MYOF

First off, welcome back! And for my new readers, hey, wassup, hello. It sure has been a while since I've updated my blog, but I'm happy to be back!

Since my last post as Faith Phenomenon with my bestie Kala, I married the love of my life, had THE most adorable baby girl, and so on. You get the gist. But, I also took a major step back from church.

There is so much tea in this, so stay tuned.

For clarity, I'm not saying I stopped believing in God. However, I did stop believing in church, and I will never serve at a church again. Let me also add a disclaimer that I have met some good people at church that restore my views in some ways.

Faith was not taught to me at a young age. I actually developed a line of communication with God in middle school from a friend inviting me to church. Then, after a while, I stopped going and believing because my home life wasn't real hot girl shit. But I digress.

Anyway, after many years of avoiding religion like the plague, I encountered genuine unconditional love. God's very own Tina, a saint in my eyes. She wasn't a pastor. She was my co-worker and was also bursting at the seams with love! She brought so much light to my heart that I wanted to really know God for the first time ever in my life. I wanted to learn faith in God, not faith in religion. Every sermon Tina would send me, I wouldn't watch it at first. I'd say, "I don't like that guy, he yells too much," but give a few years, and I'd be the one yelling about God and loving sermons with passion.

I think the most impactful thing about that relationship is that Tina had absolutely nothing to gain by being connected to me. But she pulled me in and held my hand as I pursued healing through a relationship with God. She would tell me "It's destiny." As a 23-year-old who didn't have hope or faith in much of anything, her love opened my heart to so much more. I pray everyone meets someone like that in their lifetime. It is a true blessing.

During the development of my faith, I went through many changes! I was passionate for the first time since childhood, and I loved life. I met my now-husband. I think at the time, he was (or maybe even still is) the only person in my life that has ever magnified my insecurities. I'm a fairly confident individual, but around him, I was a straight-up wimp. I was so young, inexperienced, and scared! He was more patient than I give him credit for.

Long story short, I was not ready for much when I met these individuals, but I prayed and believed God for a new happy beginning from all the old I was releasing. I documented my entire journey. Having never stepped a foot back into church, I was more in love with God than I had ever been. I was intentional, I cared about lifting people up, and I tried to stay away from people who threatened my happiness and well-being. All while staying out of church, but in the word 24/7.

Three years later, I began to search for my church family. I thought I had found that, but really, I was in a community of bigots, racists, and the most manipulative people I had ever met.

I thought I was following God when presented with the opportunity to serve every single week and rebrand this place, but really, I was being taken advantage of. I didn't know any better because I was so naive and in a new place. It's hilarious now looking back, working 40-50 hour weeks and only getting paid for 10 hours! As much as I'd like to believe that is the nature of serving, we all know it's not. I was sacrificing my time and talent for their leisure.

The next church I tried to lay as low as possible. That first church experience really did a number on ya girl, so I proceeded with caution. If I'm being honest, I don't take anything a pastor says to heart. They are human, meaning they are flawed and just as messed up as the rest of us. OH, and also, I DON'T believe they know God better than the next person.

It's crucial to never give someone power over your spirituality. Having a personal relationship with God aides your own discernment.

ANYWAYS, as I attended this new church, I was having so much fun. It was cute, trendy, and the worship was top-notch. I went to church and didn't speak to a single soul. Lol, I would sit in the very front because that's how into worship I was, but I knew I didn't want to get involved! I knew as soon as I did, it would be the end of a very beautiful thing.

One day, someone stopped me as I was sprinting out after service and told me I should try out for the worship team. I laughed and said, "I can't sing." They said, "Sure, you can! You dress so cute, and I see you in the front every service." I was very wary of getting submerged into this culture, but against my better judgement, I DID. Side note: I know what you're thinking, "You dumb ass," lol, but hear me out!

Believe it or not, serving here was actually kind of fun! Aside from some of the itchy personalities called "leadership," quite a few people were backstabbing, gossiping, and sleeping together. I felt very out of place because I quickly realized it was all a show. That was a really hard pill to swallow, but I knew better. The serving wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back though... what really did it for me was the type of people they were keeping in leadership, the phony things being done behind closed doors. It was watching so many people BURN themselves out for these people that call themselves your pastor.

We see this narrative time and time again. That is why I have decided to change everything about Faith Phenomenon. I don't want anyone to hear my voice when they think of God. I want them to hear their own. Be you, be flawed, be gay, have pre-marital sex, go drink and throw dat ass on the weekends. Be whatever you want, but just be a good person with a good heart. I say these things because let's be honest, that's what y'all are doing anyway! I know I was. It did not change my love for God. It did not change me seeking God in everything I did. I know that may sound ridiculous, but that's what honesty looks like sometimes.

I see so many Christians living a lie because they have been taught this ideal way to carry themselves, how to live, who to be around, and how to talk. Hell, serving at a church, I had to sign a contract on what I could and could not post on my social media due to the church's "image."

So here's to the modern-day believers, where we will pray for you but tell you to kindly piss off.

XOXO

Bré Lee