I’m one of those people that has an unusual trait. My inner world is different from the one most people perceive. I don’t live in the “real world” so much as I drag select individuals into mine. I have a heart that's been shattered so many times it’s basically glued dust, so my walls are quite high, and a labyrinth surrounds my most inner places. If I get hurt, usually people can’t break me anymore because I keep enough distance to be safe.
I have an inner sanctuary that is set at a small lake, where it’s always evening with a cool breeze, roses in bloom, beautiful trees around, an island in the middle of the lake with a gazebo, and no bugs. One the shore is a small cottage where I can hide away from everything. My safest place to retreat. I’ve never brought anyone there, but the Shadows are friendly.
You’d think that I would be happy living there, alone and safe, but I can’t help but keep trying to find people to become part of my realm, people who understand my kind of peculiar. It’s possible they will be my friend and maybe someday, I will meet The One. The One who will never leave, who will be my friend and soulmate. Someone so special that I’ve never stopped looking for them.
There have been people in the past that I allowed in, that utterly destroyed me because they didn’t want me, didn’t want to be part of my world. I chased too far into the “real” and reality was harsh. That was back when I was in school or working in the community. Now I don’t have much contact with others outside of online.
I’m so socially isolated because of my lifestyle and the world we live in, and my friends, (the very few I have) are really precious to me. I would love to be part of their worlds, but if I venture too far from mine, I will most likely have a breakdown. Might even disappear into my own, never to return. I might be considered a little delicate, but I am strong in my own ways. Strong in that, no matter how many times I shatter, I rise from the ashes. Maybe I’m not reborn completely, like the phoenix, for my scars remain. That doesn’t make me weak though.
To those I find interest in: I try to get to know them, and let them in. If they choose not to accept my invitation, I have been known to try harder, but that might lead to the inevitable disappearance into my world. A loss of connection and memories. Much like when I chased the ones who didn’t want me, following into “the real”. My disappearing is connected to what I call Dissociative Amnesia. It’s caused by “tripping my breaker” or extreme emotions. It can be both a blessing and a curse. It helps me move on and live a semi “normally” but it also destroys any sense of connection. If I was to find The One, and I continue to disappear, I’d need them to come after me and try to reconnect. I might chase them too, if I left enough evidence of them around for me to remember that I once cared for them.
If you find yourself being dragged along, know that I want to get to know you better, that I want that connection, that I care about your feelings and experiences. The fact that I allow you in means I care. And I want your world to be within mine to a degree, so I won’t have to disappear. Call it selfish, but everyone has ways that they protect themselves. Come to my world and let me be part of yours. Perhaps someday, I will meet The One who will treasure me enough to keep trying.
About the Creator
Kittiari Clark
I've always had a love of books and writing. Most of what I will post is poetry, because I have a lot of emotions that need a safe outlet. I want to be a published author someday, and hope you all can help encourage me on my journey!
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More stories from Kittiari Clark and writers in Journal and other communities.
Flowers In the Rain
I’ve been so anxious lately. Food, money, insurance, holidays… All of it combines into a crippling emotion that eats my brain and paralyzes my ability to function. I try to break it down, and ignore bits and pieces. And sometimes I succeed. Other times I find myself exhausted by stress, decision fatigue, and life in general, always with the big lump of anxiety looming in the background. There is only so much one can do about the fears our society likes to place on those of us without enough money. Even so, logic can only get you so far when fear mongers shout their fake news.
By Kittiari Clark2 months ago in Journal
Comments (2)
Your description of your inner soul is very beautiful. The idea of an inner lake surrounded by a garden, trees and that small little cottage is very descriptive and paints a picture of perfect tranquility. It's the sort of place we all like to go when we feel overwhelmed by all the noise of the world we live in. I understand how hard it can be to form relationships, people can be mean sometimes and not always have our best interests in mind. I think all of us have been burned more than once by people we thought were friends. That usually makes it hard to trust again, it's why it's so important to hold onto the people who matter. I think we're all trying to find our own "one" who will be our soulmate through thick and thin, who loves us for who we are, and who will always stick by us. That's all any of us really wants isn't it?
Whoa, this is like a hidden map to your inner world—serene, and still resilient. If The One ever gets invited there, they better know they’ve just been handed the keys to the rarest garden on earth.