Mini Vacation Reflection

Today was a good day, not perfect but okay. I really enjoyed being around different people in your house, and knowing that everyone is trying just like me makes me feel a bit better. Not too much, but enough. I’ve realized that when you look good, you feel good, which is why I’m desperate to take off at least 80-100 lbs this year. I want to fit into a size L or less and feel like myself again. So, I’m praying for the discipline to eat better, to control my cravings, and to stop overeating. I want to enjoy food without feeling like I have to consume everything in sight.

This feeling—this constant heaviness in my chest—is exhausting. I hate feeling like this, like I’m trapped in a body I no longer recognize. I don’t know what’s in store for me this year, but I’m holding on to the hope that I can be under 200 lbs before the year ends. I want my hair to grow long and healthy, my skin to clear up, and to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to feel girly and cute and just love seeing myself without flinching. I pray for emotional intelligence and wisdom to make choices aligned with your will, not mine. I also want a remote job that pays at least USD 4000 per month. I can’t stay in the same financial rut as 2023 and 2024. I need a breakthrough. I want to move forward—financially, emotionally, mentally.

I’m tired of praying the same prayers every day. It feels like I’m stuck, like I’m screaming into the void. I want to move on from Derrick, and I want my money back from Thomas. I’m so tired of carrying these burdens around. I should have enjoyed this mini vacation. I mean, I met new people, experienced new things, but all I could think about was Derrick. How if I hadn’t let him go, I wouldn’t have crossed paths with Thomas, and he wouldn’t have robbed me. And I wouldn’t be struggling like this.

Yesterday, I cried three times. Hard. My chest felt like it was going to collapse under the weight of it all. I’ve promised myself I’ll hold on until December 31, 2024, but not beyond that. This can’t be the plan you have for me, Jehovah. This can’t be it. Everyone says, “Don’t give up!” but what if giving up feels like the only sane option left? What if it makes no sense to keep holding on?

I’m mentally and emotionally unavailable. I want to heal from Derrick completely. I want to accept that he’s my past and that’s all he’ll ever be. I gave so much of myself to him. I loved him deeply, but he wasn’t the one for me. I’m thankful that even in my pain, I left that relationship with just hurt feelings and not a baby or an STD. I want to focus on moving forward, on fixing my mental state and finding peace again. I want to find a show that captures my interest, something to distract me from these intrusive thoughts.

I’m asking for peace today, Jehovah. Please clear my heart and mind of these anxious thoughts if you have something worked out for me. I need a sign, something tangible to remind me you’re still here and still working on my behalf. I need a stable stream of income. I need to stop thinking about Derrick. Please, I’m begging you, let me move on. Let me feel light again.

I want to be able to go through my day without constantly revisiting the same pain, over and over again. Please protect my mind and help me think positive thoughts, even if just for tonight. Please bring me joy, even if it’s fleeting. Release me from these chains, Jehovah. Help me to focus on what’s ahead and not what’s behind. Amen.

It’s strange to admit that despite all this turmoil, there were fleeting moments during this mini vacation that felt almost… normal. Like when I sat by the water and let the sound of the waves drown out my thoughts. For a few minutes, I wasn’t thinking about Derrick or Thomas or my weight or my finances. I was just existing, and it felt like a small gift. But even those moments felt tainted by the knowledge that they wouldn’t last.

I met some interesting people during the trip—people who made me laugh, even if just for a second. There was Emma, who had this contagious energy, and Josh, who seemed to have his life together in a way I’ll probably never achieve. They seemed so free, so unburdened by the kind of weight I carry every day. I envied them. I still do.

There was also a part of me that resented them for being able to enjoy life while I’m stuck in this endless loop of anxiety and regret. I know that’s unfair. I know everyone has their struggles, but it’s hard not to feel like I’m the only one drowning sometimes.

On the last night of the trip, there was this impromptu karaoke session, and for a moment, I felt something close to joy. I sang along to some cheesy song I don’t even like, and for a moment, I forgot everything. I wasn’t thinking about my weight or my finances or my failed relationships. I was just singing. Just being. And then the song ended, and reality came crashing back.

That’s the thing about moments like those. They’re beautiful but fleeting. They remind you of what life could be, but they don’t last long enough to make you forget what life is. And for me, life is hard right now.

I want to believe it won’t always be like this. I want to believe that one day, I’ll look back on this period of my life and see it as a necessary step toward something better. But right now, it just feels like a series of wasted days, like I’m waiting for a life that might never come.

And so, I’m left here, trying to find meaning in the mess. Trying to believe that these prayers aren’t just bouncing off the walls. Trying to hold on for just one more day. And maybe, if I’m lucky, tomorrow will feel a little lighter.

PS. Names have been changed - I don't want y'all to be in my business too much.