Mid-life Crisis at 20 Years Old?

Hello all. Maria here. For those of you who don’t know, which means all of you, I am currently 20-years-old. I also live in New Jersey. Yay? Not really.

I’ve brought myself to write this very personal post today because I usually bottle up my emotions, feelings, and fears only to find out that once I let a friend in on some emotional turmoil of mine, she was feeling the same way. So hopefully that’s what this post can be. Relatable. A perfect example that you are not alone. We’re all emotionally screwed at the end of the day.

My earliest memory of “what I want to be when I grow up” is a singer. I’ve always loved to sing and I took it very seriously. Picture 7-year-old me asking me mother to print out the lyrics to “Beautiful Soul” by Jesse McCartney because I didn’t want to mess any of the words up. This was important. I still like to sing. I doubt anyone would pay to listen to me though. That’s ok. I think I still sound pretty great. Moving on.

For a little while I wanted to be a veterinarian until I realized it’s not all just cats and dogs. I saw a snake one day at the pet shop and overheard its owner talking about how he needs to take his snake “Gilmore” to the vet. In no way was I ever touching a snake. So, next.

When I was 13-years-old I did volunteer work at my local church during their summer camp program. Granted, I was still pretty young so I was in charge of the 6-year-olds. I think that’s what sparked my love for children. I worked there every summer until I turned 16.

Fast forward to me at 19-years-old. After a few odd jobs here and there I got offered a position as a teacher’s assistant at a local daycare. I was over the moon. This was going to be my first really important job. Up until then I was usually just a cashier wherever I went. But this was real. This was an opportunity. I was going to soak up everything it had to offer.

I worked with kids that were 2.5-years-old. It was fun. I learned a lot about time management, the importance of patience, and lots of arts and crafts. I really saw my love for child care blossom while I was working at this job. Unfortunately, life got in the way and I couldn’t work full time anymore. After no luck changing my hours at this job, I had to look somewhere else.

Now here we are. I have been working at my current daycare for a little under a year and I am the lead teacher of a 3-year-old classroom. Sounds awesome, right? Like I’m moving in the right direction. I even paid to start my CDA courses! So what’s the problem?

I woke up one day and realized... I might not want to do this forever. There wasn’t some exact reason or motive. I just really started to think about the future. I really enjoy working with kids. I am grateful for everything I have learned and the time I have invested into this career path.

So why am I having a mid life crisis? Because I don’t think I want to continue doing this. I have everything going for me, but I think I’m going to drop it. I wish I could immediately. But life. Life is my son, my family. I have mouths to feed. I can’t just cut my income. But I don’t want this career anymore.

I am tired. I am stressed. I am underpaid. Most of all, I am young. I have time. I still have the ability to completely change my mind. I haven’t gone to college yet. I have a blank canvas in front of me. Up until now, I’ve only pictured what I want it to look like. I haven’t picked up the brush and begun yet.

It took a long time for me to understand that changing my mind was ok. I was worried about what my loved ones would think of me. Of course, they were supportive of me and they gave me closure knowing that it was ok to change my mind.

It’s ok for you too.

So now I am here, still at my daycare job as a teacher, but currently looking for employment elsewhere. What am I looking for? I don’t know yet. I want something to spark my interest. I want to find something that gives me butterflies and then follow it. Maybe that’ll be it. Or maybe a few years from now I’ll want to change my mind again. Who knows? Not me.

And I’m ok with that.

Until next time.

Xoxo