Memories: 9 September 2025

9 September 2025

7:46 am backsliding across the multiverse. I had an intensely emotional dream so my brain has been busy this morning. Arghhhh! Processing old traumas and emotions about a former love interest. Odd!

Anyway, Yippy yi yo! Another day in Paradise! I invite a real authentic caring honouring lover into my life. The former love interest can go on his merry feckless false atrophied ugly way. No harm, no foul. Just leave my psychic space alone.

He was never sincere. Just played me for a fool. Which is in a way, hilarious as it bites him back double time as The Tanya is many things….but no fucking fool. Psy sighs.

I am grateful for the lovely day I had at Springbrook with Jarrod. For my “family” of true friends who vibe with me, are honouring, kind and patient with me as I struggle to regain full equilibrium, happiness and peace. Who allow me to live safely, joyously and are not controlling or stymying. Who wish for me Love. Who exemplify that.

Let’s get this done. Rebuild a beautiful life that is bright, cheery and inclusive. Harmonic resonance. Kindness. Sweetness. Honour.

A life I can be proud of. A tribe that loves me as much as I love them. (Keep dreaming Psychedelic Dreamer!)

Yeah I know! I know! Shamans who barely survived their entire existence on Planet Earth are weird but we know how to dream, and take great comfort in that. Sometimes…just sometimes…our dreams come true too.

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8:28 pm Done! My neck hurts from looking down and pushing and pulling with the curved upholstery needle. Lots of sweating and freaking out…but it is looking better now. Not the best job but I am still satisfied with my efforts.

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9:05 pm Hmmm newly renovated Ashford spinning wheel, newly renovated stool. I wonder what my next project shall be… I know…have another crack at spinning fleece and see if I can gain mastery! Woot!

But first I need a rest…I am so tired! Boy oh boy!

9 September 2023

I had to pull over on Holland Road. Look at the Moon. Awesome! (2:32am 9 September 2023). I could drive right up that moon and order a cheese burger… Or something!

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2:59 am Home from both 5 rhythms wake up and dance and the Brooklyn Standard. Yes…I made a feast of it. I won’t be able to walk tomorrow. But it was a wonderful night then to drive home to that glorious moon surprise.

The gods were kind to me this evening. No creepy weird arse malevolent “stalkers”. Only joy and wildness. Alter egos were wonderful as usual.

I am grateful for the Dance, my beautiful friends, and the spirits and ancestors who watch over me.

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View of the moon from my backyard. (Orange looking thing in the middle!)

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My friend Nigel is planning to visit me in November for 5 days. Exciting. He is looking forward to going dancing with me in the weekend. :-)

9 September 2022

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Today we lost a queen. 96 is a pretty good innings but by the gods, what a life she had! I wonder what our world will be like without her. Republic? Revolution?

Regardless of whatever devolutions or involutions befalls our modern society I wish Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth 2 …Peace.

9 September 2020

12:54 am. Laila Tov/ goodnight from Tanya. I fought through fatigue all day and had peaks and troughs of energy.

Now astonishingly depleted and defeated by That table. I never imagined it would be this difficult to renovate it. Grrr!

Time to Schluff!

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I managed to get in four coats of varnish on my dining table. I was gonna do another coat but the temperature has dropped to 15 degrees and the recommended minimum temp is 23 degrees.

I checked the weather app and the next three days have rain forecast (also lower temps!) so that is frustrating as it means I can’t do any further coats of varnish until Monday!

I was feeling on a roll!! Oh well, tomorrow I might keep working on the decoupage case as I really enjoyed myself today.

I am rather tired and feeling chilled, so time for a hot bath methinks!

9 September 2019

Good morning! Another windy day. I was briefly awake at dawn and actually blaringly blinked at the sun rising all pink and goofy and there was no wind at that time. But now it’s back. Hot and blustery.

I better haul out of bed and get on with my day. I am looking forward to seeing Jarrod this arvo.

I struggled with intense feelings of loneliness yesterday and some mood disregulation. But I fought my way through it by taking Bobo to Wynnum Beach only to be stymied with blue green algae so we could not even put our feet in the ocean. Which added to my depression. I went to the sea to heal myself. Alas...no.

Hopefully soon I can get to Byron and cleanse my fiery Meridien in the ocean there. I miss the sea. I miss rain too. I miss so much.

Rosh Hashanah is coming on 29 September. I will pray as I often do for a miracle. For our planet to heal itself and the climate to return to balance. For true love in my own personal life, a lover who treats me like a queen ie cherishes me and respects me and cares for me as an equal. No abuse dynamics or fucked up weird perverted games.

To be surrounded by loving authentic friends and associates (my tribe) who love me, respect me and are life enhancing ie supportive, protective, genuine. But no smothering...I abhor being stifled or smothered or controlled.

My need for safety and freedom means I forgo lovers and friendships each and every time things get too unhealthy or fucking creepy.

I have lived alone for close to 25 years and I am not afraid of remaining alone for another 25 years. In spite of my ridiculous school girlish desire for a love partnership that is enduring, committed, loyal and faithful. I have had too much abuse and been involved with too many evil dangerous vile men to ever put myself through that kind of hell again.

Which is why my true close friends who have stood the tests of time and loved me through too many awful precarious experiences and saved me ...are the most precious to me. It took guts and a great unconditional love to remain with me after all the evil ghastly horror my family put me and my friends through.

So as much as God denied me a safe loving husband or life partner I was gifted the most beautiful brave amazing humans and animals to keep me alive in the darkest of times.

So I will continue to pray for Love but accept only the truest most pure hearts and minds. The rest is....hisssss story.

Haha. I hear a whistling in my ear “Baruch Haba’ah”. Blessed Be He who comes. Perhaps my next partner will show up in the near future. But I am accustomed in previous years to them coming and going and never staying or being loyal or decent or true.

So my hope/desire/longing is for he who comes to me and stays and without spite or envy fits in with my beloved friends and animals and is grateful and happy to be my Man. One who loves me and whom I love without fear or measure or caprice.

HaShem. Is it even possible, at this late stage of my life? Only the gods know. Who wants a trauma survivor without money, home or prospects anyway? It would take a man who is completely magical and brave and devoted.

Haha! Funny thoughts for this morning.

I guess time will tell.

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WATER IS LIFE! BIRDS AND BEES AND OTHER LIFEFORMS THAT LIVE IN HARMONY WITH THE EARTH: LIFE. Mother Nature: life and even when she is purging, she still regenerates.

To Life To Life...L’Chaim.

Humans disconnected from the earth via their video games and iPhones, disconnected from each other. Unable to love, care for or protect each other. Children turning their back on a mother who fought so long and hard for them. With limited resources.

Husbands not honouring their wives, wives running wild eyed and hunted by abuse. Some women becoming cruel and feral also to their men, as they know no other way than to fight to survive.

A generation lost in space.

Expensive cars airlifted to Mars while entire nations starve and burn, what the actual fuckkkkkkk???!!

Little middeaged women Being harassed on their rented governmental land because we (I) See through their epic evil Bullshit and refuse to be Silenced.

I lost everything, over and over again so now all I have is my Primal scream (Voice) my Boudiccea ancestral passion and my attitude!) No man capable of loving me as a partner as they want to chip away at me until I crumble into Dust. (And you know Darlings how I feel about Dusting!!!). Currently living in a dust storm and high winds and unnatural spring heat because of climate change because some cunt in the 60’s (or 40’s???) invented PLASTIC so we could deceive ourselves into using up more oil and resources from the Earth.

The solution? Live well, live kindly and live honourably. Live. And resist. I will be providing my wild birds with water while we still have it. I will share my limited resources with the wild, and the insane and the insanely wild.

Freedom to the broken ones. May we fly!

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Only I was not forgotten or overlooked..I was cast aside like a dirty rag. But I wiped myself all over in their rags and walked on like a Viking Queen. Naked and Sacred. The right people will love me and choose me. I am fully aware of that.

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Awww. Jarrod has to cancel today...but we will catch up on Thursday. Maybe go to Coochiemudlo if the wind drops by then. We had a lovely chat though. Feeling loved and nurtured by my friends 🙂.

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I had a coffee at Amanda’s who is back from her holiday in Greece. Joanne came along so we had a convivial Afternoon. Bobo was disappointed that Joanne had left Tawny at home. But we still had a lovely time.

Now back home. Deliriously delightfully delorously designing my future. One breath at a time. ;-)

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1:11 pm. You know...make that wish. Eat that dish. Sup from the Ambrosia of Life but suffer no fools 🙂. Make love with someone worthy. Smile. Breathe. Rejoice.

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So Mama T went for coffee today and only just realised why I had some intense stares from men down the shops.

Well, I had no clean brassieres left you see, apart from my push up bra I usually reserve as an act of femme fatale desperation/inspiration/perspicacity. So I threw the blasted uncomfortable thing on, thinking it was better than no bra and under my witchy goddess “I am worthy of Love” t-shirt it made for a fascinating eyefull. Given the T-shirt is quite modest (short sleeves and round neck up to my neck.

But yesss. I copped an eyeful myself in my mirror just now, and had a little gasp. Mammmaaaaa T, you fabulous creature you. You went out like that!!!

Well, sigh. I did. I did indeed. It might even happen again, because fuck it. I might not have ever been able to get a “fuck in a whorehouse” as my cruel jibing school girlfriends used to say to me but I will go out in style, head high, shoulders up, mad sensual but Artistic eyes forward, and I will Still (even in my celibacy ;-)) have a little fun before I die.

What did my mother used to say “a cat can look at a canary!” Well... tomorrow my darlings...clean bras...more age appropriate...less schlumpfy.

54 years old and still beating back the vicious bullies from my girlhood (my nickname at school was “spinster”...snigger) and my mother’s unwholesome tapes still making me feel like some kind of concubine at best or failure at worst.

But you know, I am healing from my life. Slowly but surely. One t shirt at a time. Or corset. Hohum.

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Yesssss!!!!! No blocks, saboteurs, doubts or fears. Just keep vibing, dancing, writing, creating beautiful art …and loving.

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11:11 pm. Nu? What else is new? Nothing under the sun (wear sunscreen, People! Put it on your dog’s noses too!)

9 September 2018

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1:13 pm it’s a glorious warm sunny day. I hauled my corpulent but sexy body out of the catacombs of death an hour ago. I had another fantastic night out with Karen and Jenny. Omg! I could barely walk to the car. I had to take off my shoes and every step was like rediscovering every muscle and tendon in my feet.

I am still exhausted but only with a kind of wooly fog that matched the early morning fog which greeted us when we left the casino.

The vibe last night was different. Lots of different people and my fucking annoying stalker kept harassing me. When he got no response from me he harassed Karen and Jenny instead. It was extremely difficult for me NOT to take off my 6 inch shoe and crack his skull open with it. But I stepped back and went into observer mode as this guy is not worth it.

One of the greatest challenges about dancing in wild spaces is the level of adrenaline-filled danger and the prevalence of predators. As we were leaving to go outside Jenny and I, the creep kept calling out to me.

Ugh. I act like he is invisible and it is awful to treat any human like that but he has harassed me for years and my patience has worn thin so he has no comprehension as he is a vile psychopath, that he is very fortunate that I shun him completely.

Last year he stalked me all night long to the degree I damaged my tmj joint (yup cracked my own jaw!) rather than hit him. 5 hours later when I finally snapped, security threw him out. I know one thing: I am disciplined in controlling my ire but only can tolerate so much! Only human after all.

The band was much better last night. Some lovely woman who was with a group of women came up and danced with me and kept kissing my cheek. Ha ha. Sweet but funny. So there are good kind (albeit overly affectionate!) people out in the world too.

I was also honoured when we stepped outside to see Bonnie (who works at reception) who greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. I said to her “I know, I know, I wasn’t coming back to the casino and stayed away for three months so I have zero integrity and honour” and smiled wanly. She said “It’s good to see you back, Tanya!” So even in my wild torpitude and vainglorious declensions I felt valued and appreciated.

Jenny and I both danced ourselves to the point of extreme exhaustion. We managed two nights! Which is epic given we both have defunct gall bladders! I have not had the strength to dance for two nights in several months.

I wonder what we are chasing...? Our own oblivion? Or the dream of healing our bodies? Or the adrenaline rush after over-stimulation from over-exerting ourselves? We stave off loneliness by dancing then I crawl back to my solitary Boudoir, to dream and decompress from the stress of sharing our energies with strangers in the night. (Of the platonic kind, of course!)

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I am so tired, my head might explode. But Rosh HaShanah is coming.

I will go and light the candles in honour of a long long life on a well-worn much maligned (misaligned?) path, in honour of my ancestors and in honour of the Holy One. In honour of a prayer for a better more loving supportive life with true loves that choose me and don’t ever abuse me. And usual wishful fantastic shite, innit?!

Not easy to be a Jew. Or a woman. Or even a Wild Woman?!

I divested myself of toxic communities and shules. Many many times. I belong to no one. But myself and my own personal G-d. The god of freedom, authenticity and decency. The G-D Of Love, for its own sake.

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9 September 2017

Disingenuous schadenfreude makes my soul wither.

Someone contacted me on fb to say they were keen to meet me when they came to Brisbane. I responded positively that I was interested in meeting them also. (Another survivor whom I have been supportive and encouraging of). But today I left a message as she is in Southbank, that I would meet her.

Her response was she had far more important people to meet and little time. She would meet me next trip. I was polite and said I understood.

But you know my soul just feels sick. Why the Fuck do people sit on my Facebook, read all about my life, fake friendship then play a weird game of narcissism. This has happened many times before.

I get we all are victims/survivors but I am an authentic genuine friend online and offline.

So I will defriend this shallow false person. Life is too short to feed fake people my life force and energy, my writings, my feelings, my insights.

I may not have PHD's or high profile people in my pocket but I have just as much integrity and worth as any other human on this planet.

Friendship requires honesty and respect. It is also meant to be mutual.

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Home again with The Beau and The Charlie, being The Tanya in my hammock with a nice cup of tea while Charlie has some adventures in the stag horns on the Golden Rain tree.

I have not had much sleep (ergo a tad hypermanic "Wheeee") but feel much calmer and happier.

Life is beautiful.

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I had a beautiful night last night. Many casino friends came to dance with me (even the shy and socially awkward ones). I was bestowed with drink all night. I had to ask them to stop buying me drinks as I had to drive later.

There was a feeling of love and honour in the room. I was delighted. Karen and I had a blast, dancing all night. I had my characteristic 2nd, 3rd and 4th winds and dancing even more wilder.

One of my former love interest's friends who has been observing me from the safe distance of the opposite end of the Livewire Bar came and danced close by me. Frankly he creeps me out as he stares. Sometimes with bland fascination, others with a kind of hostility.

We have never spoken and I usually just shun him. I looked up to see him dancing and chatting to a woman then turn to stare at me. I just smiled and kept dancing.

So he looked confused and moved back to the bar end of the room. Strange character. Not overtly threatening but strange. I suspect his friend has maligned me. I don't care. No malignant bastard is ever going to grind me down.

I was surrounded by so much loving attention that even an enemy could not resist osmosing quietly, trying to get some of what I had going on. Love. It's a Superpower! Practise it daily.

Another male friend who I used to dance with at that infamous pub across the road turned up and we chatted as we danced. Sweet guy. Glen was hovering beside him, looking shy.

I reached out and simultaneously danced with Glen on my left side and Stef on my right and we all were so joyous and content. When the song ended Glen said to me "Thanks Tanya. That was the best dance of the night". I could see he was happy that I included him and was kind and affectionate.

We have all been so terrified by current world events. Everyone was just wanting to be joyous. It was beautiful and powerful to watch.

Stef (the dear) said I should ring him as I have his number. I said "nup, I deleted your number! I cull the numbers of people who never ring me or I rarely see". “Oh". I grinned "Nevermind mate, like tonight, you know how to find me when you want to say hello".

He nodded happily. So we danced until he said he was too drunk and had to go home. I really like him. He has always been kind and respectful. A twin Soul in our level of quirkiness.

Anyway I danced a lot with Adam and Luke. Adam told me a mutual friend is 22 weeks pregnant. I am delighted for her! I felt sad she had not told me the news herself but I am so very happy for her. (Love you, my friend!)

So that was an awesome night and I feel blessed to be around so much love.

9 September 2016

I just found my cloisonné pendant which I lost about 2 months ago on the lawn halfway between the two chicken coops. Just sitting there in full view. Not buried in dirt or grass which was freshly mown last week. Some magpie must have taken into their nest then flew over with it and dropped it.

I will take this as a sign. All is not lost. What is meant to be will find its way back to you.

;-) Thanks Universe. For the gift of love of faith and for a very nice pendant back. I wrote it off and threw out its cord only days ago. Curious and curiouser.

9 September 2015

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9 September 2014

The next generation of 'pet' possum is back. She must be the grandchild by now of Tinkertink who took food from my hands.

I was putting out rubbish and noticed her quietly watching me from the top of the possum box.

So I brought out a few sugar snap beans and a bit of broccoli. I think she will like that. I have turned off the outside light so she can eat by moonlight. (So romantic!)

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The boarders moved out this arvo. We were kind to each other, (I insisted on carrying heavy stuff as it is not safe for her womb or baby!)

The elderly indian taxi driver and I shared the heavier loads although out of masculine pride he would take things from me and I caught him holding onto the taxi ramp struggling to breathe with the effort.

I said "Now, nothing is worth having a stroke over" and he smiled and after that he quit taking remainder of heavy shit from me and let me help carry the other end.

She offered to come back to give me the last of the money. I said, "Don't worry about it, you were hardly here last week and this was never about money". She gave me the key, thanked me and left.

I feel both shattered and relieved. Odd sensation! Odd situation! The whole thing was odd!

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I have sent some drunk texts to the subject of my affection for a deafening silence!

Oh G-d, why am I such a Dickhead and when will you permit me a man who actually loves me and texts or calls or visits me back???

I Know I don't Need one, but when I love it's for real. I am such a Loser, in more ways than one Darlings!!

Thanks Gail for the $3.90 bottle of cheap and nasty Chardonnay. Anarchy, Babe! And a three day growth of epic proportions! 🙂

PS I am lonely

PPS this too shall pass like a fucking kidney stone manufactured by my ex-husband, The Incredible Yeti himself!

Lol I just joke with him about my life. Mostly it's over his head or he chooses to ignore me. His choice. His disinterest is frustrating as at times he talks with me on the phone for 1 hour and a half. Most likely out of boredom or curiousity.

I really fell for him but I acknowledge that I am just a fascinating little creature of intrigue to him and he is not willing or ready to make me part of his life. Such is life! I never get men who are genuinely wanting me in their lives other than as friends, or at a very long arm's length.

It makes me tragically sad at times (we all want to be adored!) and other times it is hilariously funny.

I don't blame him for not wanting me. I hung a lot of shit on him then realised that I had stupidly fallen in love. I own my own emotions and have to live with them, even if it's difficult as I am so very damaged.

One day I will find a man who loves me with all my broken parts and sees the Light and psychedelic swirling colours of my soul and is not put off by the fiery sparks of spiritual/mental barriers I put up. (They are just Sparklers after all! Ok ok the occasional Catherine Wheel but what is Life or Love without some Passion?!)

Ahh...but...I am THE Psychedelic Dreamer. (And The Tanya....mutters sotto voce....G-d Help Us All! Lmao!)

9 September 2012

New Car, new Life, new beginnings, and the ability to travel up and down the highways to Nowhere and Everywhere!

Thank you Hashem! Your miraculous Timing was Perfection and I dared to doubt you! It was an awfully long and debilitating Ordeal but now I have a car and that is the Best Revenge to my former family! The thing they tried to Destroy inside of me... My Freedom and my Authentic Self is back. Awesome!

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L'Shanah Tovah Tikateivu U'Metucha! May you be inscribed for a year of sweetness, blessing, peace, good health and abundance! Happy Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year), to all my friends!

9 September 2011

Shabbat Shalom and I forgot to mention earlier, ooops, that my darling Crystal and her friend Kristen have won a contract to teach Acting in Bangkok to acting students from all over the world. I am so excited and happy for them both and I can see that there have been some amazing shifts for the Arons Women at long last!

Bring on more of the amazing goodness! I eagerly await the next opportunity that comes our way!

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I woke up to the most delicious Storm with rain lashing at my windows and was energised and filled with wonderment, especially after the sunny warm days we've been having! No wonder I was "off my head" the past few days...I didn't even know a storm was imminent but my body knew LOL.

Today I have terrible back pain, after moving furniture two days ago, which I think has only flared up because of the sudden dampness and change in temperature. Schmeh!

When it dried out a bit this arvo I hung up more washing and trained my Jasmine plant growing on mum's memorial chair. All looking very nice now.

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Still awake at 1.07 am. I'm trying not to stay up until 4 am again and to correct my sleep pattern which was thrown off balance by a week of happiness after gaining back my power lol.

I had a nap today which means I am less tired than usual but I think I will just lay down and try not to think about the fact that my diurnal clock is out of whack and before I know it................zzzzzzzz (or failing that, more de-cluttering in back bedroom LOL).

9 September 2010

I have not felt well at all today but spent the day with Gail and Tahylia at Cleveland shops and beach and had some happy times. Nothing like a small child to make you feel like life is worth living.

9 September 2009

I'm poor but I'm happy, I'm alone but not lonely, I'm tired but alive. It's all good!

9 September 2008

saw the Shrinkola for her 3 weekly dose of sanity.

Update 9 September 2023: Dr Eastwell, who was elderly (almost 80!) who lived on only 3-4 hours sleep. But was so very kind and supportive and laughed with me at most of our therapy sessions as I skilfully wove comedy out of my epic tragic life.

Sometimes amidst all the bathos and ghastly horror…all you have left is to laugh! She who laughs loudest , longest and last…laughs best.

Who could have foreseen that life would become so precarious and inverted that even humour has become…inappropriate. Thank the gods I still have my fierce determination to dance!

I salute you dear Dr Don Eastwell…wherever you are. You were the closest thing to a “father figure” I ever had. A decent loving man. (Even if you did overdose me on Cogentin and sent me blind for 4 days). You believed in all those psychotropic medications pushed by Big Pharma that did little to alleviate my complex ptsd+++ and major depression. But your greatest gift was laughing with me. I love you!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons