Memories: 8 April 2025

8 April 2025

Anomalous. But I woke up at 6 am. Alert and crystalline clear. Starting to fade a bit at 10:40 am but the second Valium is knocking me down. I hate that I have had to resort to this to quell my turbocharged trauma activated nervous system. But tomorrow, I will hopefully get the necessary dental treatment and will start recovering.

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8 April 2023

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I am trying to make a sterling silver basic twist chain. Inspired by Nick’s Creative Stuff on YouTube.

Out of 20 x 12mm jump rings I have only successfully made three. The rest had to be resoldered, some melted and most fell apart. This is hard. So much wastage. 1 metre of 1mm thick sterling silver wire for three twisted jumprings. Gah.

But it’s kinda fun. So I will persevere. Looking forward to making an entire chain necklace which at this rate is gonna cost me a lot in wasted silver. I did make this hard for myself by adding an extra twist instead of only two twists in his video.

The wasted broken jump rings or twists will be cast into something else….🙂 so it’s not really a waste. I just need to alchemise them into a different form. All good. 🙂

#titaniasrealm #sterlingsilvertwistchain #crazyisascrazydoes #creativity #joy #whatzombieapocalypse? #mindfulness #clarity #inspiration #keephopeafloat #thanksforthememories #magickhappens #thepsychedelicdreamersdreaming #babysteps

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An hour and a half there and back. It was slower coming back as Beauregard and I started to fade fast going uphill. …..but he has food. I had exercise. He was a happy dog all the way except when I had to tie him up while I went into Woolies.

He was so distressed, standing at attention whining quietly, that when I came out of the exit he did not even notice me as he was concentrating so damn hard on the entrance where I had “disappeared” into. Poor darling!

When his eyes finally realised I was coming from a different direction he gave me his best scowl. But honestly he will need to get used to this. At least until next week or the week after.

I hope and pray those dolls sell. I hope the mechanic can fix my car without added expenses. I hope I can drive it to Brookside safely. I hope I can escape this hell loop of constantly spiralling poverty.

I can’t do this existence much longer. Certainly not even 5 years until some negative toxic waste dump of a scientist predicts we are all going to die at the hands of AGI. Fuck that shit.

The gods decree how long they intend to tussle me like a dumped dog in a scrap yard. Not any mortal or machine (even if there is a ghost in the machine!)

I have gotten us through before, and I will again. I just need to get stronger and healthier and more determined.

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It’s a blustery day after last night’s epic electrical storms. Very warm though. I need to take a bus to the shops to buy more dog food. (It’s a public holiday on Monday. Easter Monday.) Gahhh. I am writhing with anxiety but really it’s not that big a deal. I am missing my car already.

Hopefully the woman that promised to buy my Living Dead dolls follows through on Tuesday so I can use that money to fix the brakes on my car. I often think about selling the car as it costs me so much to run but without it, only a week without it…and I am a complete mess.

The worlds are colliding and I am forced to sell everything I have, just to keep afloat long enough to survive to the next disaster and what will happen when I have nothing left to sell when my car breaks down again? FFS

“Have faith, Tanya” ….yeah right!

Last night I watched an AGI scientist on Lex Fridman’s podcast tell the world population that AGI will kill all of humanity in 5 years time. Frankly the dude looked autistic, was atheistic (a lapsed Jew), was depressed.

I was enraged by it. Just like I was enraged with the Covid Epoch terrorising the world population into submission.

If he’s right and all we have is 5 years of existence left…then we better make peace with what Is and love ourselves, and our planet enough to live fully, joyously, righteously and surround ourselves with good kind people who love us as when/if it ends…all we will have left is that Love.

I worked that out decades ago. All the fripperies, vanities, hedonistic transient activities mean nothing when faced with actual immolation.

So have faith…we are going to March forward on that tiny fragment of Hope that the gods gifted me at my last near death experience. They take and take and take but leave me with that jewel of hope that is more priceless than plutonium.

“Hold your head up High Tanya…we’ve got this.”

Ummmm…thanks Angels. I think therefore I am. Blessed and grateful and stoic.

8 April 2021

Socks loves the porcelain dolls that are waiting for me to wash them. He managed to knead a wig off one of the dolls which was rather weird and amusing.

They don’t look very comfortable to lie on as some have composite bodies and the sharp edges from the stands but he sorta shuffles them around the bottom of the bed. He has had more fun with them in the past two weeks than I ever had...bless his fluffy furry socks!

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Farkkkkk. Mower man just fucking quit!!! Now I have to find another one!!! Wtf???!!!!

(Interestingly I had a feeling this would happen...!!!)

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8 April 2020

Chag Pesach Sameach Kulam! Happy Passover!

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I got all dressed up for my ”outing” for my debrief with my psychiatrist. (All the best people have one...Darlings) but alas he is so afraid of Covid that we are now doing my therapy session over the phone instead. Lol. All good.

I have been playing music and singing and occasionally dancing all day. I have polished my copper and brass door ornaments and my porthole at the front door. (Note to self: must buy a new mirror for it and some more portholes for around the house to reflect negative energy back to those who send it ;-))

In spite of yesterday’s horrible news I feel triumphant (not sure why!) but I am riding and rising high and have every confidence in the cosmic retribution. I can feel it coming...in my bonesssss.

Yessireee. Nothing is more exquisite than a Woman Warrior Goddess whose Time has Come.

I am pouring so much love into my self, and all fellow csa survivors. So much Love and Power so we shall cleanse ourselves of this Filth and Treachery.

No one will be forgotten. Only those like my sister who protected their perverts. Psy sighs. Almost our birthdays.

Strange birthday present from the Multiverses: plague and poxy predatory Cardinals corruptly gaining their Freedom.

But I call upon the Holy One - Giver of Life. Hear me Now. See me now. Believe in your Little One as I have often foolishly but unreservedly, believed in You. Let there be Light. Awakening. Holiness. Righteousness. Purification.

Emet. Amen v’Selah!

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11:11 am. My Angels are a strange Breed but a force to be Reckoned with. We await (breathlessly as usual...). THE RECKONING.

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8:26 am. I woke up an hour ago. Actually Bobo woke me up whining so I let him out. He took so long to come back in, that I made a cup of tea and randomly started singing. Bobo comes back in and looks alarmed that I am singing. I say “I know Bobo I have a phobia but it happens sometimes”. He rolls his eyes.

We crawl back into bed. I put on Concrete Blonde and sing Everybody knows. Then Walking in London which bemuses me as it so accurately defines my connection with Dave. Hohum. I am a walking Antenna, a Revivified Zombie living my psychedelic dream while staying alive seamlessly in the seam of a life illbegotten and bizarre.

Such is my life. Which I honour as I have survived them all. No one Dares Fuck with The Tanya. I earned my feminine mystique and power the hard way. I managed to get myself and my kids through that life without resources or support and without killing anyone.

But now I am on my last nerve be wary of pushing me too far, Mofoes. (My spirit people laughing from the shadows...they know I know!) Okay, so here we go...another day in Paradise for this little Hellian.

Bring me Sleipnir...we ride... through another collective betrayal of child sexual abuse survivors EVERYWHERE. Through shit and dust, in God we Trust and dust to dust, ashes to ashes, there will be tribulation but there will be rejoicing again. Just another storm. Another kick when we were already oppressed by covid cabin fever and governmental lies.

Another bullshit drama on a writhing planet - twirling in her magnetic magnificence, shaking off her flyblown humans like the vermin we truly are.

But...Gaia loves us. Those of us pure of heart with clear consciences and laughter, freckled with mirth. Her Mind recognises all her children. Even the most pesky ones. All is not lost. We rise and shine and begin again.

8 April 2018

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I need to go out and buy cake ingredients (or an actual cake) in tribulation and trepidation for my impending birthday.

But I can’t be bothered to get off the couch or put on a bra and get dressed in clothes that aren’t a holey housefrock.

So it ain’t gonna happen. Nuh uh fool! Not today. Mama T got processing of shit to do and maybe some cosmic downloading.

Cos things are gonna change around here. I am gonna get well and happy again and nothing and noone is gonna stop me (ok the gods can and will but they kinda keep me alive for their own Reality Show on Planet X so they love me enough to gift me with just enough to survive each day and a kick or two for good measure).

Glory glory Hallelujah the goddess within is manifesting With-out. Look out! I got this!

Be’ezrat HaShem! May I be lifted up on eagles wings and fly over the mountains and down to the sea of eternity but in the meantime... Blech!

They took the wrong Phillips! I would gladly have swapped places with him last Thursday. Just shitful!

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I have always known this was going to be a magical and powerful year for me. So many closures and cosmic resolutions already and it is only April!

Visitations from Shades of my past (including my sweet nephew the biological nephew of my ex husband who called himself “Shady Boy” and how prescient that was to be!). I enjoyed my brief time with Mark and his family however. Not his fault, the actions of his parents and vile uncle. May he merit a peaceful joyous life.

In recent weeks, former lovers and former friends were presented to me like despoiled trophies of villainous cats. I actually agreed to meet up with one of them. (Haha The Tanya ever the forgiving optimistic hopeful one).

I wish I knew what drew that man out of the deadly abyss. Probably idle curiousity or yet another set-up. No matter. Not the one I am in love with anyway. Just another damaged man with an inability to meet me as I am. A mirage.

I will say that at least he was respectful ie did not try to cajole me or manipulate me into a sexual encounter as he knows how that ended up. Messy. Convoluted. Tragic!

So here we go. Another adventure. I will have to ride this roller coaster to the penultimate end. No true authentic lovers. No luck.

Never mind. The gods have better plans for me. I can feel it in my waters. My fiery spirit is flickering great inferno blissballs and finding peace in my own Becoming. Bedazzling but humbling. Mama T needs to go to water to balance out her energies. Sssssssssss!

I surrender to the psychedelic dreaming, to the Magic Happening and to the great and powerful Awakening.

It’s spiritual. It’s mine. I am My Beloved and my Beloved is Mine. Happiness is an inside job (even if the sea monkeys still have my money lmao). You can’t buy or borrow or steal all that I am.

22 years of therapy hasn’t healed it or diminished it. Psych drugs almost killed it but I fought back and hard.

What didn’t kill me made me, if not stronger then certainly a unique creature of awesomeness and honour.

Oh and my favourite (and most bittersweet horror story) of all: MEN have made me who I am today.

8 April 2017

I keep seeing 11s. More big changes coming my way. I had a realisation today that since they are posting my Father's ashes up on Monday, they might arrive on my birthday on Wednesday. How ironic.

The Bad Penny would arrive on my week of celebration just to Fuck my vibe. But I am not gonna let him do that. He is only smoke and ashes, Baby, the residue of a paedophile enabler/narcissist enabler/schizo-affective sexual predator on his own adult daughter but let me try to think of one nice thing to say about that creature from hell.

Hmmm. He had big blue eyes with long lashes that made my dumbarse desperado mother swoon enough to create me and a great sense of absurdist humour. Ok that is two nice things.

I pray once I deposit his remains on King Island, Wellington Point that G-d grants my prayer that I never meet any of those ghouls in any future lifetime. I am done with their epic saga of evil. Done and ahem...Dusted. Dust to dust.

I humbly beg the Holy One to forgive me of any sins I have committed to have been begotten by such Bastardry and I heal myself to the 10th generation before me (those poor Phillipses, such ill-fated DNA and tormented lives).

I beg Adonai please let me slip into another timeline on the Sacred geometric sphere and have the Love I yearned for all my life, a genuine loving kind respectful loyal faithful fun life partner so I can die knowing I had the love of my life with me until the end, to compensate for all those other psychopathic abusers.

If that is never to be my fate then let me die a happy woman, replete with the wisdom and grace that I am a good kind powerful woman who deserved so much more than life tossed at her. Hmmm.

Psychedelic Dreamer dreams a dream of all little girls not fully developed by handicaps of cascades of trauma, poverty and neglect.

One day I will wake up and laugh at the great cosmic joke that was played on me and close my eyes and enter another paradigm. Or disappear to Oblivion. My people await me in Valhalla or in the Ein Soph Aur but in the meantime, I got life to do!!

Blessed Be the Holy One who creates the World anew for me each day, who girds my heart and mind with Mana and heals my body so I can continue to co-create this world and bring forth beauty, creativity, love (so much love) and happiness to everyone I know. May we all merit to know a Peaceful Earth. Amen v'selah!

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Today I discovered the cause of yesterday's tummy troubles. Out of date cereal. 4 months out of date. This is bitchin' cos frankly it tasted great. Must have been the fermented cranberries. Thanks Foodbank for the fucking righteous food poisoning. Lmao. Charity begins at home. With fresh food. Grrrr!

Next time I better check the use-by dates. Death by charity cereal is rather ignoble and embarrassing. It's ok. I live to shit another day.

PS. I love my life ;-)

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Home from a lovely night out with my beautiful friends, Jenny and Karen. Oh my. No toes no feet. But much happier for shaking down some evil incarnated spirits. The dance floor copped it a bit. No more Ugly Hearts.

The Tanya is back on her feet (just for today as tomorrows are always another matter entirely.)

I am so grateful for my blessed beautiful friends who love me even though I can be an ornery extraordinary crazy Mother fucker-upper. :-). I love my life, what is left of it! I had to fight for myself so many times that even Thor and Odin treat me with circumspection when they see me marching down the street.

Okay, that is a fantasy but the gods and goddesses and the Supernal Holy One, Creator of all that is/was/ever will be hears my prayer, my sorrow and blesses me with unconditional love and strength, in the face of derision and humiliation.

It was lovely to be welcomed home by my beautiful Beauregard as like all dogs (unlike men!) he is incapable of lying to me. Dogs never ever lie about the intensity of their love for you.

They also have a great sense of humour. I was singing "I love the thought of coming home to you, even if I know we can't make it" and he just laughed and licked my face.

Now we enjoy a hot bath and soon a schluff as I have to do it all again tonight. Dance until every ounce of me is driven into the ground then soar like an eagle.

8 April 2016

Not going out tonight. Currently having a panic attack. Complete with chills and diarrhoea. Very triggered. Bad mood and upset about lawns and been fighting with trolls all day. Best I keep myself safe and quiet until my mood improves.

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We are back :-). I had to walk home with Beau in the basket. He didn't like the speed of me riding with him so jumped out. I think he enjoyed being walked in the basket though. Hard work for me but still exercise.

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I have been to the servo and filled the tyres on Crystal's bike with air. A nice young man saw me beet-red and struggling as the back tyre was completely flat and I did not know you had to hold the tyre up. I was furious with myself but he offered to help so I learnt something new today.

Bobo, bicycle and I are now at the big dog park so Bobo can let off some steam. Then we will go for a ride in the forest if he lets me. I put him in the basket to cross that the pedestrian crossing. He was ok with that for a short while.

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I need to get a loan to buy a ride-on mower. My grass is stressing me out. It grows so quick! So I have contacted the NILS scheme. Hopefully hear back from them on Monday.

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Crystal and I are very pleased to be in touch with her cousin, Mark Cohen. In a family of narcissists and sociopaths who did me a lot of damage it seems we three are the only ones who grew up to be decent people.

It is so heartwarming to know we are not alone in a sea of enmity. I was actually afraid for her to be in contact with anyone on that side of the family. Except Mark and Micheal's cousin Eleanor who used to sit and knit with me when I was pregnant with Crystal.

By doing the family tree, I met another cousin Maris Rabolini who resides in Sicily. She gave me so much information on Harry's line (my father in law z'l) which was very generous.

Crystal plans to go to Italy in a few months time. When she has saved up enough. I will ask Maris if she would like to meet my daughter.

8 April 2015

This arvo, very late arvo I got bitten on the foot by presumably a green ant. The pain is really intense. I guess my pain threshold is very low. My feet are so sensitive since I had Septic Arthritis.

The chronic pain I have had in my left ankle since feb 14 has finally eased, but only in the past few days and it still gives me gip!

I love being barefoot in the garden so next nice day (soon!), I am going to find that bloody ant nest and annihilate the nasty buggars!

I mean I enjoyed playing in the grass with Mushu, dragging the ribbon behind me. I enjoyed sitting on the grass, cuddling Socks. I didn't even see the damn ants!

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I am taking a moment from posting or commenting on the devastating (to me anyway) issue of CSA which I have recently discovered myself educating about (from my own horrible experiences and advocating for!)

It is a stunningly beautiful sunny afternoon. Warm but with cool crisp breezes. The chickens are happy, scratching around. Sophie is sitting on the table beside me, covetting the left-over fish food. Mushu has been up here and ate some of it too.

Like his "uncle" Socks he is quick to get into any tasty morsels. I took the fish food away from them. Not sure it is safe.

My dragon fruit is in bloom. (Perhaps another fruit will ripen this time?)

My moods cycle from happy to despairing and back again in minutes (freshly triggered PTSD). The sword of Damocles slices both ways from joy to oblivion but will eventually slow to a stand still right in the middle, so I can wriggle out from under it and run freely and amok.

Oh, How I love to run amok! Full moon follies for the wild and wounded. G-d bless us all :-). I am grateful for the abundant love that is given to me.

Lucky Blessed Woman!

8 April 2014

Just woke up from a 2 1/2 hour nap. Boy. My bones ache! 10.28 pm. Crystal just rang and is finally in her new home so I know she is home safe. She is up again at 6 am, for work.

I am so exhausted physically but wired mentally lol. I might get up now and something to eat and watch tv or a dvd. The cool change in the weather tonight feels great.

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Home from helping Crystal move last of stuff out. She only had 2 hours sleep so she was exhausted. She has my car for next 3 days as she has gigs and work.

I am glad to be home and that Crystal's move is over. It's epic, moving. I pray I get to stay in my house a long time!

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Not sleeping. Listening to strange squalling in the night. Possums? Bats? Anyway it's 3.44 am and I have been lying here since 2 am. Tired too! So Seroquel it is and back to somnolance and cuddles with my cat.

Penny is going to be pissed off on Wednesday when Socks and Sophie arrive. I am taking in 2 new cats who need a home for a while. There will be cat spats for a few days then Harmony will reign supreme again.

I think Penny will enjoy having some fellow felines to share our home with, once she gets over the initial shock. She will have company on De Mama's wild nights out.

8 April 2011

I slept until 12ish today. 12 hours plus the 2 hour nap yesterday arvo. What the hell? I am so tired and I have not even been working in the garden or around the house but had a lovely day with Lyn.

I feel really blah too. Oh well, tomorrow I might get a natural energy boost from the etheric body LOL. Or fake it til I make it! I need to have more fun!

8 April 2010

Just had a bit of burl in the garden, planted some pansies and decorated the little pots around the staircase. Just the slightest effort made me break out into a sweat (I'm in denial about my bad asthma and shallow breathing LOL) but hey, the garden looks great for the first time in years. Now all I need is lots of mulch, and a reliable lawnmowing man.

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OOOh my Tarot Card of today is Strength and after this morning's activities I need all the strength I can get...it's funny how weirdly accurate these random computer generated cards can be sometimes...although yesterday's was nasty LOL

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I'm the only person I know to have slept through 2/3rds of my life and still find life interesting and surprising. I mean I've missed most of it. All you busy active invigorated people must be so annoyed with me now.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons