Memories: 7 July 2025

7 July 2025

7:41 am

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https://youtu.be/XgQx9c-XXM8?si=nYQQPYS_xyF3H76G

“Birdie Morning Blues lol”

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https://youtu.be/wAmJsrQQlGs?si=hLNDgG5WXs3tYXjJ “True love is for da Birdies”

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7 July 2023

My Louisiana iris is blooming early. What beauty gifted to/from Sacred Space on this glorious morning!

What wealth amidst the bathos! Who am I do dare to feel lack when surrounded by such eternal Love, and exquisite Beauty?

An important reminder…stay aware and celebrate All this is/was/and ever shall be. In all Their fractalised manifestations. Gifts from the multiverses in abundance.

A shehecheyanu for this first flower of the season!

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I am home from my walk and an impromptu afternoon tea with Margot and her two little daughters. Miss 6 (Susie!) asked if I was a real witch? Miss 7 Evie asked if I would do spells with them?

So they brought out cups of water for miniature cauldrons and I taught them how to pray for protection and to put intention into their spell (the water!) and to give gratitude then to close circle. Then I encouraged them to put the water on the garden plants so the spell can grow slowly but beautifully with the plant and the water is not wasted.

They were so happy and excited. I told them the real Magick is love and kindness and wishing well for each other. They wanted to do a love spell for me but I said no, as it impedes on free will and love spells that go wrong can be very very long lasting and impact your life in negative ways. They seemed to understand this trueism.

Margot gifted me the most delicious biscuits that came all the way from Canada.

I feel very uplifted by their little heartfelt sentiments and “Magick”. The Magick of sweet loving little children…is the best and most powerful.

Oh and when I arrived Margot teased me about my long socks so I joked I look like Pipi Longstocking. Then when we were having our Canadian biscuits and tea, little Susie randomly starts brushing my hair (which was very soothing as no one ever brushes my hair except my beautiful hairdresser Kylie!)

Then Margot looked at me in surprise because she said “Oh wow, Susie made you little pigtails just like Pipi Longstocking”. I laughed. I said “I was only joking but Someone must have been listening in to our conversation”. Faerie magick! Very cute!

Then when I got home there was a text from my daughter inviting me to come see her show this Wednesday in the rehearsing process…. Hmmm…interesting. She had not wanted me there so this is a peace offering of sorts. I haven’t decided if I want to go or not. It’s been a bit of hurtful time. C’est la vie!

7 July 2022

1.07 pm. I am feeling slightly better today, in spite of yesterday’s ghastly horror at my inept doctor’s inability to do right by me and give me a second course of antibiotics.

I still felt weak this morning but am now sitting on the grass with sunshine beating on my back, to warm my lungs that struggle so.

I managed to clean Charley’s bird cage which was filthy and needed cleaning a week ago but I was too sick. So that is progress.

My friend Jackie phoned me yesterday to tell me I am right about my doctor’s negligence. She is a registered nurse and knows that with such longstanding lung problems it was reasonable to need two courses of penicillin.

She is sending me Bach flower remedies as she thinks I will benefit from them. Desert rose for my bronchitis and another flower essence for my ongoing grief!

I am so grateful for her love and strong support of me. I told her I feel like I am going crazy with how inverted how world is now. She said “You are not crazy, you were never crazy Tanya…you must keep going, doing what you do best and speaking your Truth.”

I felt comforted. When I got home from my friend, Lyn’s place and walked into my home I was surprised by the strong scent of flowers permeating all through my house. The spirits are happy with the staunch love and care my beautiful friends gift me! :-)

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Wow! Someone detonated a bomb at the Georgia Guidestones. No doubt sending a message to the global elites about the depopulation agenda.

One of the granite blocks is completely destroyed. The GBI says they still have bomb disposal onsite.

7 July 2021

Rough night. Asthma bad, Socks was peeing all night long, as was I. Even the dog got up three times during the night. I am starting to wonder if our drinking supply has been contaminated.

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Thank you to my beautiful friend who came to our rescue again. xxx

I am now waiting on Socks to do a pee so I can collect a specimen sample for the vet. He peed through an entire bag of cat litter during the night. I had to change it with fresh stuff at 3 am.

But now….Socks Paws and Murphy’s law…he is all dried out. Hopefully I can get a specimen this evening and put it in the fridge to take first thing in the morning. He does not like the beads that get put in the tray to collect his urine. So he is holding off as long as possible.

I hope he doesn’t pee into my cushions like he has done in the past. Stubborn cat but not as determined as Mama T.

I have a dreadful cold and asthma so have taken to my bed until the imminent delivery of the neverending slosh. He has had two long drinks, so sooner or later it will have to come out of him again.

My dear sweet Man Cat. What a fright!

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Success. A pee sample at last. Good Boy Socks.

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I am having another freak out. My dental implant crown feels like it has a crack in it. I paid $10k for those two front teeth with my small inheritance, 9 years ago. (The dentist at that time, had promised me that the implant would last at least 30 years!!!) I guess I am now officially fucked and will be toothless as well.

I will have to go to the public dentist (monsters and butchers) to see if they can fill it somehow. I think I won’t go back to QE 2 since that last dentist was so abusive and vile. (My Indian lady dentist has left that clinic and she and I had a good rapport!)

Perhaps I will try the School Of Dentistry. It would mean letting students at my teeth but they can’t do much worse than the so-called professionals.

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In loving memory of Catherine “Kit” Harris who left us on this day in 2010. A dear sweet friend.

No…nooo “left us” is the wrong wording. She merely transitioned her physical form. She was one of my most beloved Earthangels in life and I feel strongly she has been one of my angels in the next dimension. Love is Eternal xxx

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Fever in the evening…fever all through the night. My bad cold is spiking. Yuck. The colder the air gets in my room the more prickly my fever. I know it’s not Covid but I still feel like death warmed up and vomited out.

I need to set my alarm for the morning so I can take the pee sample to the vet. Fevers and bad colds don’t stop me.

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My memories don’t seem to be coming up this week. Fb is only showing one or two from many years ago. I am worried they are deleting my “memories” and other status updates.

Oh well…all my writing lost to the etheric Void…more of my efforts wasted or “lost”. Shit happens, I suppose. It’s not like anything I have to say is particularly joyful or important but I did enjoy having an outlet for my “Voice”!

7 July 2020

11:07 am I just woke up with a headache. That’s been happening for the past few mornings. Grrr.

But the sun is shining. I am Alive and Aware! What can the intrepid little psychedelic dreamer dare today?!

....more typing...more triggering...until it’s done. Then I will treat myself to more fun.

I would drive to Byron but I think I will wait until September when the weather warms up. Bobo could do with a day frolicking on Belongil beach and Mama T misses the sea!

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I asked myself after alighting from the shower (mid-scrubbing my teeth!) why I am splonging in the Shadowlands again? When I have been so happy and Covid is over in Queensland so there is nothing to fear.

Only my ancient pre-programmed predestined traumas and the kissing of the Hag (Life with all its treachery) and the dancing with the Dybbuk on my roof (Death with all its certainty).

The old diaries could have all been burnt...forgotten. Put aside. But that is only another betrayal of my life’s blood, sweat and tears and small triumphs along the Way.

The Way of a blossoming unfurling Warrior Goddess who in her mid-30s was left for dead so walked her Zombie Stance until she was ready to wake up and fully engage with life with all its myriad miracles and a few concentric-cycling motherfuckers. Light and Dark... people!!!

Begin the Beguine...again. But I am getting stronger. Physically. Clearer and sharper mentally. At 55! I never would have thought the healing would come so late in life and so sublimely perfectly. Even as it has been terrifying!

The Tanya took no Prisoners and brooked no fools in her cataclysmic train-wreck of a carousel life. Up and down rhythmically, like a good fuck and often without the cigar and the pat on the shoulder at the end......(rolls eyes!)

So I have my own pat on my own shoulder: the fresh wound from having that unyielding skin cancer spot excised. Another scar to add to the original one. My shredded Angel’s wings are getting more of a splicing.

But it will heal ...and I will heal and there will be great joy and rejoicing again. I feel it in my Waters I does 😉

In the style of the Mothman chronicles (ahem). I did not wake up at 37 but woke up at 47 with the end of that heinous will dispute then hit the ground running.

I have made enormous progress since 6 September 2012 when the Will Dispute ended. There were some serious health issues and some vicious attacks on my body and reputation. But I have dragged myself through.

I am excited about what magick the next few years have in store for me as we were all (globally!) stymied and stifled by COVID-19 but I think the worst is finally over unless you bonked a security guard or two in Melbourne.

But for the rest of us who remained celibate and practised social distancing from wandering diseased phalanges…we are gonna be okay.

Agenda 21 is now threatening us with swine flu and other calamities. So we must not get too complacent or smug!

Nay we must celebrate life in ways that are safe for everyone. And get on with it as best as we can.

My skin cancer site is sore tonight. I need to get some cannibis for pain relief and to eliminate cancer cells. Hmmm.

I wonder where I can get some? ... oh well, the multiverses always provides...😉

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TRIGGER WARNING: BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS A HUGE FUCKING TRIGGER AND I DO BELIEVE I AM RATHER TRIGGER "happy"....😉 HAPPY TO BE ALIVE, IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING THIS LIFE COST ME.

Some interesting memories from my diary:

Saturday 22nd of September 2001:

I took Crystal in the afternoon to Bulimba, we went to the movies - we saw "AI - artificial intelligence" and loved it! We had noodles for dinner. Then we went to Hawthorne cinema to see "Bridget Jone's diary", which was also excellent!

Then on the way home, I stopped at Stones Corner and bought a pizza. So I think Crystal and I had a very good day!

I had a strange dream last night. People rushing into my bedroom, the door flung open - energy around my bed of distress - I got the feeling people were asking for help. A digital Clock in the dream showed 11:9.

I realised later today that it probably meant the date 11/9 when the planes smashed into the Twin Towers in New York City... and the people rushing into my room are lost souls.

I was afraid last night - thinking that David had sent negative energy to me- but I feel a lot calmer that it was probably lost souls from the building collapse, seeking help to reach the light.

Last night I told them, “You can't have me, you can't get to me!” But tonight, now I know what it really was, I will pray that the lost souls are guided by their Guardian Angels- to find the Light. I will keep praying this until the dreams stop!

I feel bad that I did not help the ones who came to me last night- I was so afraid that they were sent to attack me- now I understand what the symbolism of the door being thrown open means (the implosion!) and it also explains my precognitive dream on midday of the 10th of September where I dreamt of people rushing into my room, slamming and opening and closing my bedroom door repetitively and sitting on my chest (being crushed!)

If only I'd known exactly where and what was going to happen I might have been able to warn the people to evacuate the buildings. But I was only shown the helplessness and the fear and the energy of being in a hurry to escape etc.

Wednesday 26th September 2001. Kol Nidre:

We went to shul tonight - Burnt the clutch of the car on that steep Hill. So the hand brake doesn't work, neither does the radiator, and the clutch is going, also the car doesn't accelerate like it used to, labours on hills etc. The car is stuffed, basically!

Big love energy in shul!

I almost blacked out today, my arm spasmed involuntarily. (Later diagnosed as hysterical conversions!)

Thursday 27th September 2001. Yom Kippur:

The kids and I spent the whole day in shul. Big love energy there again. Juan kept following me around, also Gordon!

Juan came up to me after Neilah, and kissed me on both cheeks and wished me a good and sweet year and lots of fun! I replied that I could do with some fun. He said "So could I..(or something about have fun with you too!)" so I looked at him sternly and he sort of retreated inside himself.

So I said "I'm going to get some food" and I left him standing there. I'm pretty sure he's married, even though he came to all the services alone!

He asked me if I'm going to Geraldine and Uri’s Sukkot dinner (BYO). I said "Yes but I hope you bring your wife on Friday”. It's a bit obvious that he likes me as he's always coming up and hugging or kissing me. Gordon too, seems to be paying me a lot of attention! Scary.

During the day, Judith gave me $50 - towards fixing my car- or whatever I need it for, she said. That was very very kind. I didn't want to accept it but she insisted- And I really need it so I accepted it. She wants to be friends and to pick me up if my car breaks down and bring me to the Sukkot dinner. (also kind!) and wants me to see her House in Blackrock, out Ipswich way!

I want to keep my distance a little bit though, as I feel bad that I'd complained about my car not going very well and she wanted to give me money. She actually said, if everyone here gave you $50 you'd be able to buy a new car!

I laughed nervously, saying that that would be sheer unmitigated greed and I wouldn't expect it, adding that I'm looked after by the shul members as it is (Meaning that they’d let me pray for free, instead of paying for the hire of the Hall for the high holy days, also the loan from one of the men - which I don't want to mention as well!)

All in all, although the fasting and prayers were arduous, the love and positive healing energy in the room, of asking God for forgiveness of our sins, the cleansing of our etheric bodies in preparation for the new year, made the day a joyous one. After the service, I drove Margot home. (I insisted!)

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As a background: all this intensity was just after 9/11 and in my own life, I had just posted the Health Rights commission complaint about David and he had already menacingly stalked me at Stones Corner that week, so my nerves were very sensitive.

A few things come to mind: "the Habibi Club" as I joked about various men in our shule who were so drawn to me and although rather flirtatious, I held at bay. Some of the women who were so generous and supportive with donations, while simultaneously I was variously stabbed in the back because they did not comprehend my trauma issues or my poverty.

Although Judith was not part of that I don't think, as she was new to our little community, but the awfulness that occurred later was beyond ugly. However to be fair, I was in the throes of a major breakdown precipitated by my mother and her conman bastard bf Buck, so going to an Island for 'healing' with an ex-lover who I was not told was going to be there was a really vile and shitty idea. Hohum!

My infamous Light that attracted so many Abusers was not really working for me, back then or even now. I was struck by how much my feminine mystique and earthy, often unconscious sexuality went against me.

I was not even trying to seduce anyone...I was only interested in raising my girls safely, keeping myself safe and praying to my God with my community. Which took enormous courage, especially with the ever-present Nazi Libel, men getting fucking besotted with me for no reason except I showed up (HaShem!!!!) and my old car bombing out at almost every Holy Day like it was trying to protect me from everyone....(my little Chariot of Fire...bah dum Tish...).

All jokes aside I now drive in a car I fought hard for with the evil atrocious will dispute and it's getting older too, but the number plate says the Ein Sof so I knew when that car arrived that only God had protected me and provided me with another new vehicle.

I live on the edges of society at the mercy of Men and Big Daddy (the government) while being viciously attacked back in the day for being fearless, female and standing my ground...but God gave me a car.

Why does God keep giving me cars and computers??? For my freedom to move unhindered (and escape if necessary...) and for my right to speak my Truth even if it hurts.

My psychiatrist pointed out to me in therapy that I never (or rarely) actively seek people out for friendships, love affairs or social connections...they almost always come to me. I don't often choose people of my own volition. Trust issues from my CPTSD. Also abuse dynamics and abandonment issues when it all goes to hell in a handbasket which I have longggg experienced. Psy sighs.

I just had a lovely walk in the neighbourhood with Charlie and Beauregard. Charlie bit me for no good reason when we got home. I had to laugh. I told him if I bit him back he'd be a dead bird.

But Charlie Whatever'd and I Whatever'd and we all lived happily ever after, which, all things considered, was no mean feat. Pun intended.

You know it says in the Torah "You shall not suffer a Witch to live" the reason for this patriarchal biblical injunction was that men feared women. They feared our power, our bodies and our love...our magick.

Emmanuel even accused me of being a witch in his filthy Kabbalah classes where he obsessed over my vagina. A sacred space he had only lived in vicariously via his filthy lecherous friend, Davidson.

He assumed ownership over my 'space' by abusing me regularly but ultimately The Tanya put a stop to that, grew her own balls and walked away. I still laugh how he went completely white in the face when I told him, you think you are insulting me by calling me a witch but you don't know my background and I would be very careful of insulting my Ancestor if I were you...I am one. Whether I practise any ritual magick or not. I don't even have to try.

In recent months, or even the past year as I grew into my own Power after surviving the last surgery beset by violating abusive men in the guise of 'doctors'...I realised that my magic is real and uncontaminated and comes from a very pure and Holy Source.

My magic is Love which kept me alive in the darkest most debased of times of which there were too many, even in my early childhood....Love for Mrs Robertson the only 'mother' I could lean on for support as a small child.

Love for the sea which nurtured me when all my family of origin were so fucking Bestial, and the adult women in my neighbourhood were more fearful of their reputations than saving a little girl, (but they fed me well....that is true).

Mrs Robertson who loved me so dearly, had a kind of symbiotic relationship with me as she was so alone and isolated in her own depression and traumas with her violent abusive drunk husband and she had no real friends apart from my own tiny self who needed her desperately.

Knowing that we were both so alone and unloved and unprotected in that beautiful wild place, The Esplanade, Island Bay with only the gulls and the sea and Tangaroa and the earth sprites to honour us as women, the little Tanya-child and June, the broken inner child, trapped in a woman with a burden she did not have the mental fortitude to carry.

I honour her, June, my true and only 'mother' for at least trying to provide me a safe haven to escape to, while Lynne and I hid under her twin beds and June would bravely lie to my mother that we weren't there, (although there were other times when she gave us up as my mother was utterly feral and terrifying in her rages....)

C’est la vie....I made it...the old evil bitch is dead and can't hurt me anymore but she is still my mother, an imprint of evil that I will never completely shake off.

But today is a glorious day....and tomorrow will be too, and these old diaries are gifts of little time and space veignettes, some painful and some whimsical like my beautiful mexican friend Juan who loved me dearly but was held at a bay for obvious reasons.

I had my honour and integrity intact except with that passionate wild love affair with the son of Solomon....hahah...reading through my diaries, how I suffered for love of/from him, while trying to be a good decent honourable woman, and oh how magnificently I failed ....but I did not choose him, and in the beginning I felt coerced and actually frightened.

However it was the making of me....at 36 years of age, discovering my passionate side after being abused for so long that I felt ugly and dead inside. A gift, n'est-pas? To reclaim my womanhood after decades of immolation.

And NOW....I am the true epitome of my own Becoming....Beautiful, Powerful, Alive, Vibrant and Free....so thank you....to my Enemies, and thank you to my true Beloveds....we made it. Together, in this fucked up paradigm and distorted thwarted Life. I love you. I See You. Be happy, be free. Amen v' selah.

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just typed up this funny memory:

Wednesday 10 October 2001:

I drove to Moorooka to OSSCA to put my name down for Community Housing. Then I went to Pinelands to look at Real Estate Rentals. A Lebanese fruiterer saw me. He had a labret and Homey-type shorts. He was singing.

I went to the fish and chip shop, owned by Chinese. The Lebanese guy walked in, saw me eating and broke into “When the moon hits your eye it’s a big pizza pie…It’s Amore!” I dropped my head as I had to stop myself from laughing hysterically.

I think he followed me in, but he might not have but the song he sang was pretty funny! Another of my psycho unexpected messages – now that’s 3. The Japanese girl, the Irish guy and now the alternative Lebanese fruiterer. How weird! There might be three more encounters- unless I’ve missed some, or unless the French man “Thank you for your Attention” counts.

I was told I would have 6 unusual encounters before I finally go “home” to the place I’d always dreamed of. I hope they mean Israel! Anyway, three down, three to go! All I need now is enough money or to find a really good job!

PS I never made it to Israel but I did quite mysteriously get to go Home to Wellington at the end of 2004 for 3 weeks. Although that trip was epically sabotaged by my sister's viciousness, and my own deep depression and trauma when I looked at my childhood home in Island Bay.

I cried and cried then took to my bed. Shame. My only trip back to NZ and it was such a horrid experience: except that I got to see Taly and John Hoekman and my childhood friend Lynne Robertson flew me to Auckland so we could see each other again, That was wonderful.

PS Just finished second last diary. Phew. One diary to type up then done. I am archiving them on two flash drives (one is a portable hard disk). So hopefully I never ever lose them or have to type them up again. (The hard paper copies are burnt so there is no clutter of paper trails in my house. (Except the Will dispute...I still have to release that evil shit!!!).

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Fuck I feel good tonight. I am so happy with my progress. Everything has been sorted. The hindsight (2020 vision) back to 2001 has been painful but extraordinary.

I feel So vindicated, looking back at all the two bit players in my former life and knowing that I will never have to see or hear from any of them again. Especially the ones who tried to double-agent me like wannabe Mossad agents and lied and slandered me into their own obliteration.

And back then they had me so confused I doubted my own sanity. I had my kids to worry about of course, so I could do little to get actual justice or retribution and instead, the gods took care of my abusers for me.

Thank you to the Holy One who protected me as best he could and built me this way. Wild and Free, Powerful and Brave with a touch of Whimsy.

For my most beneficial outcome, I can see the path is clearing for me to take a great leap into the Void and fly!

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11:01 pm second last diary finished. Enough torture for tonight. Gonna shout myself a nice cup of tea then go to bed.

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7 July 2019

1:55 am. Home from dancing at the Livewire bar. I promised myself I would not dance much and take it easy. I did have lots of breaks as my side hurt a lot from where the drain and the stitches are. I had fun with my friends though.

My body is extremely pissed off with me for pushing myself. I left at 1 am and went to 7:11 for some lemonade to take 2 Panadol with, as it hurt a fair bit and I still had to drive home.

I had no alcohol all night. I am too scared to drink now, as I know my body won’t be able to hold the liquor like I used to be able to when I still had my gall bladder.

Getting older is not for sissies but I am glad I got to dance again. I have had a wild time of it. What with the pizza at 4 pm, then the dancing at night.

Richie told me to go back to the doctor to find out why the pain is still present. I told him they literally give no fucks about me and after the epic epic abuse at the hospital I have zero trust in any of the filthy bastards.

He suggested his doctor, who saved him from cancer. I guess it only takes one decent good doctor to save a person’s life. I will think about it.

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Last night I told Richie how prescient he was when he quipped he was gonna pour Wild Turkey on my grave and I joked back that I was going to precipitate it right back on him.

I told him a week later I was booked in rather hurriedly for surgery and how it all went to hell in a handbasket as the doctors were so creepy and that on the night in hospital I did feel my breath slipping away so it came close. Death I mean. But I had fought my way through it and 12 days post surgery forced myself back up on my feet to go dancing.

I told him we need to stock up on Jack Daniels just in case, as I still feel like death slightly warmed up. He said he will make libations with me to the gods. Lol we didn’t. I was too scared to drink.

I told him my funeral will be amazing but only 3 people would probably turn up from the casino. He said “I will be the first to be there, pissing on your grave”. I laughed. “I will be pissing right back and watching everything with great curiousity!”

Then I tweaked his nose and he leant in rather too close and demanded I get better soon as he thinks I am awesome. I told him he is my favourite “bone pointer” and should really stop trying to “kill” me. Then we both laughed and laughed.

In the lift, to go to the car a sweet Asian woman asked if I was okay? I told her I had recently had surgery and had pushed myself by dancing more than I planned on.

She admonished me for wearing high heels and to take things easy and that I should go back to the doctor to find out why the pain is still bad. “They probably left something inside!” I said “Yeah like their organs, to replace my one!”

We both laughed but only because there is some horrific truth in that. When I got out of the lift I thanked her for her empathy. It did strengthen me to know a random stranger cared about me as a person.

It’s odd, the little gifts in the night. I always find them so magical.

Update 7 July 2020: I haven’t seen Richie since December. I hope he is safe and well. Hopefully when the Livewire Bar at the casino opens up again, I will dance with him again.

He was very kind to me apart from the inadvertent prescient “bone-pointing!” We did used to kinda trigger each other with both our PTSD and took turns soothing each other when one or the other’s blood was up. But I always knew he had my back. A sweetheart!

He was a bit too sweet on me in a way but I reminded him we were friends and that is infinitely more precious to me.

Dave showed up to stare and Richie told me to behave as I deliberately wiggled my luscious arse to remind him of what he tried to destroy. Lol. All good. By the gods we had fun.

(The 147th fastest gun in the West...my trigger tongue and assets...just saying!)

Love is Eternal even when it’s Infernal.

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Gawd. It’s 10:01 am. Might as well Get up!

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12 days post-op. I have not had any hot chips (OMGoddess I miss them) or anything alcoholic to drink. Longer, as I was careful before surgery to not drink alcohol. Now my fiery Jewish/Viking/Witch spirit truly misses her wine or Jack Daniels but I am doing well without it.

I was never a heavy drinker (unlike those perverted creep doctors at the PAH tried to claim, while staring at me slack jawed... sexually stroking their thigh!) so I can live quite well with or without alcohol. But living without Hot chips??? Too much. Lmao.

I am sure I will be back to imbibing my favourite foods and drinks in the near future. Only in small quantities as my liver has to process it without the squalling inflamed gall.

So baby steps. Mama T has to love herself holistically as no one can inhabit this body but her. It’s not easy. Choosing life, after every fucking epic horrific fight during recent events. But I am doing it. Indomitable. And proud of myself.

Oh and buggar but I ran out of chocolate.

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I am always barefoot at home. Even as a child, I would try to go barefoot. My mother would hit me in the face and scream at me as she feared I would get chilblains (which I did once and were extremely painful!) or a bronchitis or cold (which I got frequently anyway, as I survived both whooping cough and measles when I was 4).

But I highly recommend walking barefoot on the earth. Feel the earth beneath your feet. Let her take the pain and shame and degradation foisted upon us by our family of origin and fucked up Society and transmute it.

I also believe in sleeping naked. (Not in mixed company with strangers of course, unless you choose to 😉 ). But owning your own breath, body and sacred space and allowing your skin to breathe....priceless and very healing.

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I just did some eft tapping with the intention to heal my love relationship with Dave Charles ie let go at last or get back together this time in a committed loving relationship (I was more focused on the letting go part as it is so hopeless).

So I am still sitting out in the garden when I see a black Jeep do a uturn and go back down Diamond Street. I have never seen this black Jeep in the neighbourhood before. For a moment my heart stopped as Dave drives a black Jeep but an older model. I was simultaneously watching “Afterlife” on Gaia.com.

Anyway I am a bit stunned by the visual message so soon after the tapping which made me feel lightheaded.

Last night at the Livewire bar I saw Crossie’s son with another bikie staring at me from behind the tables. I stared back long enough for them both to know I saw them then cool as a cucumber turned my back.

I was still in pain from my surgery and probably should not have gone dancing. Jo asked me what was wrong and I said I had seen someone dangerous. So she put her arm around my shoulder and we carried on dancing to make it less obvious that I was a bit rattled.

I have felt that I was being monitored or spied on by members of that clubhouse for the past few months but have no idea why. I have not had any contact with any of them since 2012. Weird. Probably just curiousity on their part to see what I am doing in life now. Same old same old. Surviving!

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1:11 pm . I witnessed 11:11 am today also. My Angels are very activated today. I saw another confirmation when I did some EFT tapping earlier. So hohum...on we go...the life of The Tanya.

Strange little incongruent queen of my own destiny. Still fending off Death who is smirking at me from dark corners as She knows I will come along quite graciously at the end.

But She sent me so much Love and peace and primal Will of courage on the evening of 25/26 June that I lay there, smiling blissfully and stupidly unaware of the strange episodic trickster unfoldment of events yet to occur on the morning of 26 June.

A nurse woke me up just as I was following that last exhalation to its almost natural conclusion. It was like drifting on a peaceful red sea and waiting for the next inhale, which seemed to not be coming and for once there was no fear or panic, only a gentle loving acceptance.

Not quite a NDE as it was fuelled by the anaesthetic interfering with my lungs (something the hospital Staff feared more than I). But that beautiful peace and grace and watchfulness as I journeyed on that breath was I hope, a fore-runner of what is to come.

But here I am. Back. The Bitch is back. I obviously still am required to be here. Whether I like it or not. Hmmm. Curious and curiouser. I wonder what Life has in store for me? Mindfully breathing my own light and destiny one day at a time.

…

She nursed me back to health.

7 July 2018

He’s very smoochy today. Mama T was out two nights in a row. So now I am a prisoner of his love.

…

Coming down from my ecstatic dance high. Cooking dinner. Feeling peaceful and a tad nostalgic. (What goes up, must come down) Equilibrium in the harmonic spheres.

A good meal will settle me nicely!

…

Cooking pumpkin soup and home made pizza dough as I am hungrier than a horse.

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Watching Hannah Gadsby “Nanette”. Utterly brilliant.

@Hannah Gadsby: Thank you for “Nanette” and your courageous authenticity and your heart and your soul.

You are fucking brilliant and real and sublime.

G-d bless you on your journey to wholeness.

So very proud of you and awe-inspired!

(From a straight woman survivor.)

…

…

Haha. For a while there my house was in danger of looking like this one (I really love it!) but I have decluttered quite a bit over the past year. Still too much stuff but it’s stuff I still want to keep (for now!)

Purging the old days and old ways is a long process. Lmao.

A former lover visited 2 months ago (oh dear!). He had not been to my home before and he touched everything! Marvelled at everything and checked for dust - which of course in true Tanya -style is out of control because my Muse is Quentin Crisp when it comes to dusting.

Housework is not one of my favourite things. I am too often in Outer Space cosmically jiving with invisible entities. Ahem. Anyway, that won’t be happening again. The man. Not the dust and dreck.

Dust like Shit keeps happening but if you are a true Magician/Witch/Wild Woman you Know how to turn that shit into compost to make beautiful things grow.

Dust bunnies!!!! And Sea Monkeys and fertile furtive imaginings. Fecund, fruity and delightful!

…

Ecstatic Dance was so magical tonight. The vibe was high and every person there contributed their energy perfectly.

I loved the didgeridoo and zither playing by Haitch. The sound was spiritual and grounding and very healing. I loved when Haitch played the didge over our bodies as we lay resting after our frenetic wild dancing.

I could feel it resonating through my entire body and into the earth. I felt a connection to the Australian First Nations who gifted us with their music and their lore. All of us! Even a short fat white woman from New Zealand. I felt embraced by ancient tribal ancestors and custodians of the land. I loved the tribal music also.

I hadn’t been for several months and I was so tired this afternoon (and full of anxiety) I had to push myself to make it. So glad I did. I feel well, ecstatic! Renewed and recalibrated. It is wonderful to be surrounded by so many like-minded people. In such a safe, non-judgement space.

Thank you Adrian and Monica and of course, thank you HaShem!

…

So grateful for the last few beautiful nights. Watching my talented daughter perform on Thursday (Mama T sheps naches at every opportunity) and the wild carefree joyous Dance on Friday.

Oy, my back hurts but it was wonderful!

I wonder what magic I can manifest tonight? 😉

Probably will need to rest. Lmao!

…

…

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Well Time to Schluff. Mama T is utterly exhausted so the dance will continue but only in the Astral tonight.

Beauregard is very happy to have De Mama home at last!

Laila Tov! Good night!

7 July 2015

…

I have just made my homemade Laundry powder. It is cheap, goes a long way and not as toxic as commercial powders. While I was in the laundry I scrubbed out my mouldy bar fridge and turned it back on. Now just need food to put in it.

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The bloody servo took the bond for the hire of the ute out of my bank account twice! They now owe me $300. I am broke until they sort it out and pay me back. They promised to call me back in 10 minutes. And didn't. Lying Gonifs (thieves!)

Why can't I ever get treated with respect, efficiency and professionalism? Why does the simplest task become such a fucking struggle? Why are there so many idiots? I asked at the counter if it was another debit as it didn't look right. Blatantly lied to my face and said it was a credit. My blood is boiling. Another fight in my hands to get my money back!

…

I have picked up the freezer from Anuuschka. The hire of the ute cost $51. I managed to get the freezer off the ute tray by myself and schlepped it to the back of the house.

I need to buy a new trolley. It was hard yakka with wobbly wheels and flat tyres! Now having lunch at Maccas then off home to set up freezer.

…

I am finally sitting down to watch tv. I have schlepped the old (still working!) freezer to the kerb in case anyone wants it.

Cleaned the newer freezer. Got it inside my tiny laundry and switched it on! Doing a load of washing. Feeling like I ran a marathon doing that all by myself.

7 July 2014

Still packing JayBay's House. Nervous breakdown!!!!! Almost done. Just a few more loads tomorrow. Hodor!!!

7 July 2010

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons