Memories: 7 August 2025

7 August 2025

I am still very unwell. Last night was rough. Lots of vomiting after a coughing fit. I was up four times to pee also. Today I feel quite wrung out! Ratih has cleaned so I can rest later. Grateful for the extra support!

7 August 2024

7:20 am another very bad night. I was up 9 times until I woke up at 6 am. Arduous.

But life goes on and I will keep going and doing what I love. Otherwise life is completely untenable.

…

Today has been a lovely day. So many kind compliments and people being super friendly and supportive. Some days are just magickal 🙂!

…

Sad but true. It’s all bollocks. I am now the unwitting recipient of a war between two different Optus departments. I got “upsold” 5G which won’t work (after 3 days of wrangling including needing a new Sim which also doesn’t work).

Now the 5G rep put me onto the NBN rep who insists I can’t cancel as they have a better deal so I can keep Fetch (woof!) and she tells me she will cancel the new 5g modem (impending) and the 5g account and fight to keep me on NBN. Confused? Yes! Yes Optus I am confused!!!

Now they say I don’t have a credit rating and the rep is struggling as their system won’t recognise my ID (WHAT THE ACTUAL Fuck?!). Mind you I have been a customer of Optus since 1994.

This should be interesting to say the least (I am still on hold while they work out why my ID is not accepted…it was accepted three days ago?! Computers or AI overlords says “No”.

Update: the rep is ringing me tomorrow evening after they finish wrangling with my account. Hmmm.., hmmmm. (Mutters sotto voce, 30 years …30 years.)

She seems lovely. Perhaps it will be a better deal in the end? $75 per month unlimited data. Discount $15 for fetch tv for 12 months. Renewal due in a year. Whatever. I could be dead in a year. Or alternately ASTONISHING ALIVE. lol

…

I had my debrief with my psychiatrist today. He told me that my declaration of love was not foolish but heartfelt and authentic. Fuelled by oxytocin from all the love being flowed to me in the club. That it was okay to be authentic and just let it all go.

He said he was undergoing a parallel reality also. I looked at him with deep compassion. I told him “Doctor, no matter what! As Aleister Crowley taught (although he was a tad licentious and debauched!) I still like his expression: Love is the law, love under will.

We can’t do anything about the former unrequited ones or the tricksters who sought to play us or sully our most honourable, most gorgeous authentic love. But we can continuously choose to love anyway, until such time as the right person comes along who not only wants our love but returns it with just as much passion and enthusiasm and authenticity as what we are giving out”.

We looked into each other’s eyes and we both smiled this sad but triumphant smile. We deserve our own truest deepest loves. One day it could happen…in the meantime he insists that I keep dancing as part of my mental health program… the exercise is good for me.

I assured him that I will. Even if I get eased out yet again, for any reason. I can always dance at home…alone as I did during the mandate in 2020. Nothing and noone can stop me from dancing. Except when I am too ill or too old to pull it together some day.

7 August 2023

11:29 am. I am still absolutely gutted by the viciousness of those vets, my dog’s Death closely followed by the psychic verminous scummy attack by the Treasury casino management and the tech guy whom I had been seduced into thinking was an ally. Bah buh. Snakes in the grass.

Peter just rang me. He said he has been giving me some space but I am welcome to visit him and Miss Koko any time. I told him what happened at the Livewire bar. He was astonished.

He said “Fuck them, they don’t know what they are missing out on!” I replied “Oh they do, it’s clear they were targeting me for some time. They knew exactly what they were doing! But I won’t go back. I didn’t deserve that level of sadism, especially right after my dog just dying. They are completely evil to do that”. Peter agreed.

He reminded me of what a happy life Bobo had with me and to only focus on the love we shared. I replied “Yes I have those wonderful memories at least, but they are overshadowed by the ghastly horror right now”. His phone died. But I rang back and left a message thanking him for checking on me and his kindness.

…

9:48 pm. Sitting on my couch, editing my journal. I hear the back door slam shut… all the bells jangling. I walk into the kitchen, turn on the lights. The back door is not closed shut but still slightly ajar. I definitely heard it slam shut. Scratch my head. Shut the door properly. Go back to sit on my couch. Weird.

It could be the wind. Except it’s not windy. So you know, spirit is here. Usually it is a sign of faerie visitors if the bells get rung.

I have been mired in a heavy grief all day. So I hope no more calamities befall me. I can’t take any more!

7 August 2022

Too little too late…I am late for a very important date.

I caught my weird neighbourhood cohabiters staring at me again. What is it that they are so fascinated with? Certainly something they lack or ceded with their very own souls.

Ultimately not my circus…not my monkeys. Just some more fake supercilious superficial fucks I will need to survive when society breaks down even further.

Honestly if they have time to sit around, watching me as I work at my craft then they need to get their own hobby or work harder and mind their own nests. Verminous that they are.

…

Catherine Holdsworth: Hey {{{Tanya}}} have you reported them to the police ? Also I wonder re getting a photo of them because if they’re school kids the principal could Investigate & really get stuck into. ❤️🙋‍♀️

me: @ Catherine… no this is my weird ass neighbours. They treat me with such condescension lately. I just ignore it but it’s a tad annoying that they now watch me 24/7.

But yes the school hooning is a big problem too. Also the guy that was threatening last weekend.

It’s the zombie apocalypse escalation. It’s potentially going to get a lot worse.

I now have pipes all around my garden, discreetly hidden, as weapons if need be. (Not that that will assist much!)

Meanwhile I just hold my ground and strut my own stuff in my “sacred space” and in my studio. I don’t have time for petty nasty bigoted people.

Catherine : ❤️Tanya❤️ well done xx 😘!!!!! Excellent attitude they are such low vibration. All power to you 👏🏽🙋‍♀️💕🙋‍♀️❤️

…

Le marquis de Sade…le Danse macabre..voulezvous couchez avec moi ce soir. Quel dommage…we don’t serve that spirit here…since 1969 or 2015. Whatever!!

Don’t worry…just a wee bit of channeling…back to my drawing board.

Plus ça change plus c’est la meme chose. Let us take the evil out of evolution. I have the agonies and the ecstasies to show my growth periods, so I am looking forward to my sanguine gnosis.

I might go to Mt Glorious this week. Grandmother tree is calling. She will know what to do! If nothing else I will give her a hug.

…

This video took 7 hours to upload. While I left my iPhone at home to let it upload (thinking it would be processed by the time I returned!)

I took Bobo and Charley for a walk. Bobo led me to the forest then he insisted on walking past the dog park. So then oddly, as we walked past (I usually avoid it as he can be mean to other dogs!) he started walking back towards the gate and he wanted to befriend a dog that was in there.

So I said “You better be nice, Bobo” and he looked at me and said “Yeah I know, I will be good!” With his big brown eyes and waggly tail.

So I said to the woman that I will bring him in but keep an eye on him as he can fake friendship then turn nasty very quickly.

But Bobo really liked her dog …and here is where it got weird. We started talking and I admired her rose quartz pendant. I said “Oh that’s for heart healing!” She explained she does reiki and she is still grieving her previous dog.

I said “Oh you are maori, I am from NZ too!” I was quite blown away when she told me she came from Otaki but lived in Island bay as a young woman. I told her I was raised in Island Bay.

So we swapped stories and it was very interesting indeed!

I told her my dog is a pain in the arse with most other dogs but I know he is very spiritual and I take notice of when he actually wants to be friendly with other dogs as he has very few dog friends and it was lovely to meet her.

I wish we had swapped numbers as she was a medium and runs a circle. But she sort of rushed off and I dunno, my energy can be intense at times… or my ancestors that love me can be overwhelming and protective so “they” might have caused her to feel like rushing off.

But anyway I got home and my video had hardly uploaded at all, which was infuriating but I knew meeting the woman from island Bay was a sign that I had made the right decision to upload it even though it will anger some people.

Because fuck it…the truth remains the truth no matter what!

The lady told me “You are here for a reason!” I replied “If only I knew what that reason was?” Meaning if I had a clearly drawn blueprint to follow so I stop falling into disarray.

But here are my wayshowers that remind me to stand up and be counted and adhere to my truth. Painful, though it may be. As that is my mission in earth.

The disarray, the discombobulation is but a symptom of an evil not of my own making and slowly… by speaking truth it breaks down the patterning that was engraved on my psyche by trauma.

Anyway, my little Beauregard tells me whom he chooses as friends. Which is very sweet albeit a bit startling!

7 August 2021

Happy Imbolc!

…

…

7 August 2020

I don’t usually copy and paste these things...but as a suicide survivor I take this pretty seriously:

Sharing from a post...

The additional 6 weeks Covid-19 isolation are going to be a killer for people in Victoria, Australia.

In the initial lockdown, 100 people committed suicide in the first week alone. That was in Victoria ONLY.

The mental health issues related to lockdown and the pandemic are especially hard for people with depression.

The wonderful charity MIND have a 24 hour helpline: 1300 554 660 (Australia).

Please could any two of my Facebook friends just copy and repost to share the helpline far and wide. Just two. Any two.

P.S You’re not alone. We are friends for a reason. I have your back, you have mine. We can do this. It’s not weak to ask for HELP. Just PM me

STAY SAFE AND POSITIVE VICTORIA (AND PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD)!!!

…

So thrilled to receive a video link from my gorgeous friend Annie (Mermaid) in Wales. I am so happy to see you again, Annie. I have missed you! Love you!!

…

7 August 2019

11:11 am. Awake after a rough night of insomnia. Which means I am well on my way to healing as my body shut down with exhaustion by about 9 pm each night previously. So now it is back to menopausal insomniac hypomanic nightstalking ponderances about stupid shit that is not in my control.

At one point around 1 am (I had been lying in bed since 10:30 pm!) I considered getting dressed and taking Bobo for a long walk as my body wanted to be moving, not sleeping. But I was afraid someone might attack us if we were found walking the streets at that hour. So with some mighty will I remained supine and fought to sleep which finally happened around 3 or 4 am.

One of the stupid things I lay worrying about was the fact that neither of my daughters are mothers yet (aged almost 34 and 32 respectively). I don’t know why I do that to myself as even if they do have babies I will not be allowed to see them! My own niece and half sister did that evil shit to me.

What did they think I would do to baby Ava? Bless her or curse her? Put spells on her? Utter pig ignorant dickheads.

I do hope that child has had a good enough life with the family traits of narcissism. But not in my purview. Only the gods can decree our fates.

Mine has been to get slowly old, like a seething cantankerous old boiled chook in a hot pot, then feasted on by my own (former) bloodlines.

I tell you...those evil bastards better not DARE wait for me when I eventually cross over or I will know I have been sent straight to Hell with no hope of redemption. (I can almost feel the Universe smirking as I write!)

Anyway where was I? Oh yes 11:11 am welcome to the angels of the psychedelic dreamer whose brain is fried from too much dancing and perchancing and wishing and hoping for a peaceful loving life. Silly me! But funny!

…

Exhausted but.... I went to Aldi to stock up on cat litter and bought some groceries while I was there. Also a much needed mop bucket as my old one broke on Monday (lol!) and a bathroom scales as my old one lies.

A flattering lie as it makes me out to me lighter than I am. The new ones say I am heavier but I probably put on 3 kilos after the last time my gp weighed me 4 weeks ago. From 87 back up to 90. Oops.

Then I went to Bunnings for manure and tried to find coarse sand. Also bought large scoria for my pond filters.

Then to Mt Gravatt East for dog bones. Then home to play in my fishponds to change over the scoria in both filters.

Now it’s raining (at last!) but that ruined Bobo’s chance of going for a walk. But I am gonna snuggle on the couch with him instead.

…

I googled water lily potting instructions. Turns out I needed cow manure, garden soil and coarse sand. I bought the manure but have to wait until Jarrod visits on Monday as they only sell coarse sand in 20 kg bags and I am not strong enough to schlep that yet.

No wonder I got no flowers last year. Potting mix (as suggested by the oz watergarden website) is totally unsuitable. I thought it was odd at the time. Hopefully I have not killed all the corms and get some lilies growing back this season.

I just replaced the scoria which was too fine and gravelly with much larger scoria stones. $20 but worth it as I worry about the smaller stuff damaging the pumps. Also will be easier to clean each week when I clean the filters. Phew.

…

Watching Typewriter which is a ghost story based in Goa India. It’s a bit schlocky but the scenery around Goa is beautiful. I now understand why my former Rabbi bought a time-share apartment there. :-)

…

7 August 2018

..

Lots of tradies at my former neighbours’ house. Looks like Housing commission is finally getting it ready for new tenants. I hope the new people are lovely (and safe!)

…

…

Watching Dark Tourist. Interesting!

7 August 2017

Finally awake. I was so tired this morning at almost 2 am I was dizzy and feeling faint. But I finished off the last necklace and crawled into bed with my dog.

I put the electric blanket on, as my back was aching. It helps soothe the back muscles. Fell asleep. Woke up early to the sound of men grinding the fallen tree down. Then mowing, then crowing.

I thought "Fuck that shit" then rolled over and went back to sleep. Good decision. I think I heard rain early this morning too. It is dry and sunny and windy outside.

Looks to be another good day. I will just wade through the storm like I do every single other day of my life.

Yesterday I wanted restitution, all that was stolen from me by gods and men returned. Today I am calmer and peaceful. Only the lonely and the wise know what is truly Mine.

I have myself, my animals and that has to be enough. Everything else is a wishful delusion, smoke and mirrors and more utter utter bullshit than my heart and soul can stand.

But here we are: a new day. Still breathing! Still surrounded by beauty. Still in love with a trickster called Life and a Joker called Death, both playing strip poker in the back room while Fate braids her tresses and Love weaves her magic on the unwitting and unsuspected. Blech! Deceivers, all.

None have truly claimed me but left me languishing in their Shadow. They come to wash their immutable inscrutable Faces in my tinkling laughing stream in that cleft in that hidden valley of dreams. Precious and untouched. Sacred!

Lovely! Now back to reality as we know it, for it was always a mirage and shimmers and shines but disappears in the hot dry sun.

…

7 August 2016

Last night was sensational! I had a great time. One sleazoid creep that had harassed me for an hour on the dance floor finally made me snap though. I had been moshing for hours, striving to ignore the creep.

Finally he leapt almost on top of me so I said "Fuck off, I find you utterly repulsive". That got rid of him. Wished I had been less tolerant and told him to get lost earlier. Drunk vile men forcing themselves on my person to get my attention really give me the Heebie Jeebies.

The band was fantastic! "Krush" with the sexy American rock chick. Not as good a singer as Abby Skye and really works her sexuality like a former Las Vegas chorus line dancer, playing to the crowds of über drunk men which makes it hard work for us moshers as "they all want some" but luckily I can handle it and I enjoy the wildness.

I danced all night then crumbled with exhaustion. I sat outside with George and Katrina for awhile. Then had another dance and a lemonade to refresh me before driving home.

…

…

This evening I had a lovely visit with Ashleigh and Chloe. Wow. She has grown beautifully. 10 years old now. How time flies! I remember when Ashleigh was around that age!

7 August 2015

I dreamt of a cruise ship leaving port. Now one is on the news, in the Suez Canal. Weird!

…

5.43 pm. Slept all day. So I will get up, dress up shower up, drink heaps of water (dehydrated) and go dancing.

Shabbat Shalom. I think I am well rested. I have slept heaps since Monday. Still got a wheeze but slowly getting better. I hope!

…

Socks has been snoring and sulking since we saw the Vet at 6.30 pm. Funny boy!

Mushu has discovered the heater. It is the first time I have used it this season. He keeps standing next to it, looking confused. So funny. What will not be funny will be the electricity bill.

…

So I posted some videos, from March 2010. My mum died on 7 March. I kept my promise to her to scatter her ashes on King Island at Wellington Point. The same place we put Cees.

Although I admit I passive aggressively chose the opposite side of the island, mainly because Jarrod and I still had vivid memories of her vicious comments to him as he was dying. Things she said were "I get your car now, Cees, what you gonna do? Get up?!" And "where are the dancing girls now, Cees?"

To be fair he was an inveterate womanizer and stingy too. He probably deserved her nastiness. I just felt it was bad form. The man was death-rattling and was moaning (of all people?) my name. Which I was in denial about.

Until he cleared some phlegm and called out my name decisively and clearly. Then I jumped back from the bedside in shock.

He had a lot to answer for. First of all being a creep when I was a little girl. Demanding sex when I was 15 "you live under my roof so I can do whatever I want to you" so I pushed him down the stairs.

Trying to grope me when I was heavily pregnant and the final Fuck up. Not writing a stone-clad will so my sociopath mother couldn't fuck a conman and rob me of any (well-deserved!) financial security. But I am not bitter! :-(.

So Mum got the far side of the island. Jasmine insisted she had the honour of scattering her Omi. Great. Since I had the honour with Cees and the wind blew half of his dead ash down my throat. What can I say! He finally got inside of me, for like...eternity. Blech! Puke! Gasp!

Anyway, as you can see by recent photos and videos. The Tanya has come a long way in 5 and a half years.

Stomping out my pain on the dance floors of life has made me fitter (or toned). My lungs are still fucked. I still have Obstructive Sleep Apnoea and I will always have PTSD (unless I go to the Amazon and have some Ayahaucsa :-))

Jarrod says I look younger. Happier. My skin is less ruddy (thanks to HRT oestrogen).

I am a lot happier than I was back then. A lot! I am no longer carrying my Dead albatross of a shitty dysfunctional paedophile-enabling family around. I mean I hope they rot in Hell but I have let go of the desire to watch them burn. What is the point? They stole enough of my life. 47 years of their evil bullshit.

I am still furious that they damaged me so much that I will never have a loving partnership with a man. That I will probably live alone and in poverty until I die. That I may never know real love and real security.

But every day I drag my sorry embattled arse through another day of hopes, dreams, wishes and adult versions of fairy stories and keep breathing, fighting, dancing and hoping for the good stuff to happen for me.

Then I remember. I am the Good Stuff. I am in this life alone. There is only me driving this vehicle of Light Love and scar tissue. One way road to Oblivion. No hitchhikers. No bum steers :-), no stowaways.

Just me with my ears pinned back, my hair flying in the wind and a primal scream from the very pit of my soul. Yeah Baby! I got this!

7 August 2014

I hurt my neck. Must have done it by cutting down dead banana leaves. Grrr!

…

Tempted to go out but better save money for the big night tomorrow. Besides I built another fire and managed to burn some fingers. Whoops. Garden clear of sticks and dead banana leaves and bamboo leaves.

I started burning my broken wooden outdoor table too. Aww. It lasted 7 years. The universe will provide another one, one day.

7 August 2011

I spent the entire day in the garden. Pulled out compost, sloshed it around to aerate, threw a bucket of worm wee in it. Raked up lots of leaves and added to compost pile. I fertilised entire garden with Sulphate of Potash (hope it helps the fruiting things!) Wow, all this took all day. But everything looks nice and tidy now.

I also planted out some seedlings I found in one of my pots. They look like lettuces, not sure but I planted them in the vege garden, and will see what they do.

I carefully measured every dose of Potash this time. The whole garden used up one bag and I still feel I should have put a bit more on the passionfruits but I'm scared to kill with overdosing on the good stuff.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons