Memories: 7 April 2025

7 April 2025

Much better night. Perhaps I will hold off going to the Mater after all. (Still avoid the Botox treatment!) arghhh. Decisions.

Hopefully the bladder firestorm of the past 2 days will end. It was intense and I am not sure what triggered it. Oh well.

Last night I removed some dead wood from my tree of life so that might bring peace and equanimity. I abhor superficial sadistic people. I loved that person greatly but it has become a seeping wound so it was long past time to let go…let love. Let the goddess take good care of our hearts. Not meant for me. C’est la vie.

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7 April 2023

Today I worked on a sterling silver chain I decided to make with 1mm sterling silver wire. A “paperclip” design. Although I might change that.

I made 12 mm jump rings and soldered each one. It took a long time as when I stretched each jump ring with the circlip pliers, the solder invariably didn’t hold so I had to re-solder them and pickle and form them again. Oh well, good practice.

In the early evening I cooked dinner, stir fry vegetables: carrots, celery and a zucchini. I added grated ginger, lime juice and some stock. I cooked rice and some chicken schnitzels. It was delicious.

Then a terrific thunderstorm exploded outside. It was intense. So I went to sit on the couch with Beauregard and watched tv. The storm rolled through very quickly.

It rained most of the day. I felt a little depressed. So it was good I kept myself busy making the jump rings.

7 April 2022

Watching “Jimmy Saville, A British Horror Show”. Painful.

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7 April 2021

Thank you Margaret, Nathan and Neo for the early birthday gift. Thank you for believing in me and supporting my new dream. 🙂 love you!

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She’s almost 56 and full of attitude, 5’2 in distance relativity to the earth and gravity is slowly whittling her down with age...But she’s also taller than the tallest mountain even if other mortals kept cutting her down to bite-sized morsels.

She’s both dying and flying…trying to attain success and prosperity out of smoke and ashes and ancient boned china and her full- throttled strangled trauma activations.

She’s pushing out her creativity in new-fangled, jangled, dangling illusory desirable potentiates but to do that she had to hang up her dancing boots and love-lorn sexuality...to squeeze her corsetry into some other kind of strait-laced extravaganza -sylphlike organza, translucent and ephemeral but never syphilitic, apocalyptic, catalysed dis-ease as celibacy has wrought some purifications and kept her safe from men and their permeating, oozing filth and treachery. (She who once bathed in the Mikveh to purify herself...such was the staining to her soul she garnered by virtue of her truest deepest love and passion!)

Cutting out her own heart along with her once reconfigured sexual organs has gifted her the ability to love without rhyme or reason but gird her loins as the much desired and greatly valued root chakra of her soul. Kept her precious in spite of all the ghastly horror of mediocre and too often bestial, cruel men.

An image came to my mind last night, of a woman feeding her baby at her breast. An almost 56 year old woman without a true love partner, a uterus or even grandchildren is being asked to offer succour and feed from her own beleaguered, drying up, dying body and soul: I ask myself “Have I not fed enough? Gifted, nourished, inspired, bled and been milked enough????? Been stolen from, cheated on, molested, raped, strangled, slandered, lied to and about...enough?!”

But a woman knows the power of her breast which shields her heart and feeds the world with love and nourishment. Even when she is Nothing and has nothing left to give.

She gathers her forces from the depths of her soul and keeps loving and gifting anyway. An eternal cascading fountain of soul-nourishment. Embellished and replenished by the gods. A whimsy!

To prove what? Only her own corporeal all-to-real primal existence in this epic unending psychedelic dreamer’s dream.

Wake up no 37! (Too late too late the zombie staggered out of the gate...the sleeping beauty awoke from his kiss...the kiss of bliss or of death..open to interpretation).

Faery stories and momentary glories as she danced to her own oblivion while callow cruel people mocked and derided her but she won the booby prize...she healed herself.

Validated herself... learned to honour herself in unholy dishonourable places while the stalkers and the mawkers, salivating like hell-hounds stood by.

Hah! No different to praying in temples full of seething hypocrisy, corruption and evil!!

Know before whom you stand... ye gods and the devils that wear holy garments with no heart/soul/conscience.

A casino dance floor felt more “honest” in its authenticity than any of my former synagogues or temples.

My gods are peculiar jokesters, pranksters and charlatans but sometimes they get it right...to my astonishment and bemusement.

Funny guys.

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Just had a call from QE2 bookings for the god awful colonoscopy appointment that was due in March...yuck…here I go down to hades again. I am only going along with it as my history of growing nice fat juicy polyps can lead to bowel cancer if they are not “caught” ie burnt or cut off in time.

I hate this declining body but after recent serious gastric events I better do the right thing and submit to serious medical interventions...did I mention..Yuck?!

I must remember to ask for a Prep that does not contain Aspertame as my body reacts poorly to that poison!!

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Such a beautiful sky on one of the darkest days in hell when Pell is released from prison and his conviction quashed.

Where is God in all of this?! Not Present today. But The Tanya is here. In her Fury!

7 April 2020

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A Dark Day in Hell!

I had taken to bed after arising at 7 am which is an uncharacteristic early rising for me. I had to lie down at 10 am as felt drained and chilled to the bone.

I lay in bed under my feather doona actually shivering with cold .

Then woke up at 10:40 am to this ghastly fucked up News.

It’s like my body has been sensating this horror without even my conscious awareness.

I half-expected this outcome as this man and that Church and our government and justice system is so profoundly EVIL that I can barely sustain myself in this perverted society anymore.

Another betrayal to child sexual abuse survivors everywhere.

I pray oh dear god I pray that some miraculous intervention occurs to turn the tide in all this epic perversion/abuse and EVIL‼️

The irony that they release this filthy creature when we are all imposed in isolation in our homes is not lost on me.

Viva la Revolution! Please God if you still exist...kill him!

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Last Friday I was doing a little drumming trance. Just when I was about to give up as I was not receiving any messages I heard the word Tuesday distinctly. So I said “what’s happening on Tuesday?” No reply. No further spirit messages. So I thought, okay. I will have to wait and see.

In my worst nightmares I would never have thought that this day would be the release of George Pell.

So my spirit people could have given me a little bit more detail in their warning system. I have been absolutely gutted all day. Australia the Land of the Paedophile strikes again!!!

Interestingly I have had strong body sensations for the past two days as well. Weird chills to go with sudden hot flushes. I just blamed it on menopause.

Also since 25 March there have been numerous sightings of UFOs across the globe.

How is this all connected? Not sure yet but I know one thing: I am opening up to “hearing” spirit even if it was only one word “Tuesday”. They were accurate that this would be an important, albeit traumatising day for me and other survivors.

I ask the Spirits and Ancestors that love us to protect us and envelop us in Love and Light from the purest Source. This is one thing too much to have to deal with.

May the gods prevail upon us true and natural justice, a rectification and a new and cleansed paradigm free from All evildoers. Amen v’ selah

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7:15 am. The last two days I have been suffused with a great feeling of peace and contentment. I have had madddd hot flushes which were startling but emotionally I am in a really grounded place. I am receiving much love from the spirit world and my friends.

I even had a nice phone call from Crystal last night. She has been sick with tonsillitis which improved but crept back on her in the last few days. Poor kid!

I am feeling very positive for our future. Almost like, in being able to breathe freely again, the Earth is also breathing with me in harmonic resonance.

I choked and coughed for 8 months but we humans have been choking our own planet with pollution for 100 years with the Industrial Revolution and our swarming cars and factories (and nuclear radiation too!)

So now Gaia is getting a chance to clear her “lungs” and we are getting a chance to see we can live a different paradigm if we wake up and choose!

Choose life! Choose Love. Choose Hope! Choose each other. Choose to heal from this. Choose to gift our planet zero point energy and abundance for all lifeforms. Provide a safety and a respect for our only true home.

Let us rejoice in the new paradigm. While we have life and passion throbbing and thrumming in our veins. Sing a new song of Freedom.

Corona has killed many. Sat us all on our arses. Took our breath away. But in time we shall overcome it. Be patient. Be peaceful. Thrive.

7 April 2018

So tired. But I slept most of the day. The night is screaming in Silence. (Lol a plane just flew over to screen out my bullshit). Going out again because it’s Saturday and I am alone. So why not?!

I am getting over my illness and my freshened grief over my daughter. Losing my cousin yesterday reminds me that Life is for living as ultimately every day is a gift.

Might as well enjoy it.

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Unfuckwithable!

How do I process the traumas of a lifetime and still go out to dance in the night, fearless but feckless but free?

Still finding myself unloveable in spite of my warrior spirit and my gifts to the broken and desolate!

How do I go on with my broken heart and tainted spirit (but ever pure and perfect Soul?

One foot in front of the other. A balancing act in the stages (stooges!). A squeezed set of bellowing billows (lungs). A tormented mind from suffering the ever-spiralling Fibonacci slings and arrows of outrageously disgusting misfortunes. By failing at life every moment yet oddly and sublimely being highly successful at it.

By choosing Love in spite of its often hollow frippery and fakery.

By boldly going out on the final frontier where no sane ordinary person (or Angels) would ever go!

Then coming home to a very circumspect dog and knowing who I truly am. Nothing. No one. An accumulation of stardust and mangled hopes and dreams.

Unravelling at the seams, my ladder (DNA) writhing and rebuilding, my psychedelic coat of many colours swirling out in the darkest reaches of Space and Time for the entertainment and edification of the gods.

A conglomeration of flesh and sweat and excrement, of breath and blood and bone but so beautiful and so sublime and so worth it. (Even if only in my own mind!)

I am Blessed. Fortunate. Honoured. Alive. Truly alive. Not a shuffling drooling automaton on Serequel and Cipramel.

It took decades. But I healed. I am still and forever in a process of healing. It is a miracle. My life. All lives.

Soon it will be another birthday (always a signpost of Survival) and after the recent events with my bad health I am just so amazed to still be here.

But then, of course, I am Whom I am Becoming.

Guided and protected and kept precious by the only LOVE that ever truly KNEW me. Adonai/Shechinah/ Creator. 5000 gods and I had to be Chosen by that One!

It’s beautiful! It’s spiritual. It’s on fucking long service leave with an out of office sign typed out on a broken antique typewriter so it really just says OOO. Ohhhhhh. Fucking bureaucrats and their Creators.

(I know, I know Blasphemy but the Holy One Knows he made my life a cosmic joke so I am gonna laugh right back at Him (her/it/the entity formally known as God) cos that’s how I was created. By pain and whimsy. By trauma and by triumph. By a kiss and a promise. By tragedy and comedy. By the gods and by the mortals. Rebuilt. Reframed and sold down that endless River Styx. Betrayed even by Lady Death.

Still here. Haha. So for my beautiful fellow inhabitants of this planet. Carry on! We got this!

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Home from another good night. Unfortunately the casino played techno/house in all the band breaks. Awful!

One of my young male “admirers”, not sure if that is appropriate description of him, is very covert and spent most of the night slinking along the walls gathering up courage to dance with me. Eventually near the end of the night I said to him “Come on, have a dance, sick of looking at you in my peripheral vision” so he danced quite happily with Jenny and I.

But the band finished and we were tired so Jenny and I waved goodbye and he attempted to kiss my hand so I said “do it properly!” So he did. Then we started to leave the dance floor but Jenny, encouraging me to be more friendly suggested I go back and invite him to come with us to get a pie. So I went back over to him and invited him.

“Pie?” He says “Pie?”.

“Pi” I answer “37.12 repeating”.

He says “I have had quite enough pies this week. Is this code for something else?” Looking at me horror struck. I grinned somewhat impishly.

“Nup, it was an actual invitation for pie. No other agenda. But I tell you what, had you been a very.good.boy... I might have bought you a lemonade too!” I shrugged and sashayed away.

Look! In all honesty, he is far too young and anxious to cope with me but fml, I was offering friendship and a meat pie!!!

23 years of singledom and a man is afraid to eat a pie with me. Oh well! Next!!!

7 April 2017

Gorgeous day outside. We walked to the dog park which was empty so The Beau got to sniff everything, without going all homicidal on any other dogs. Charlie seemed to enjoy his walk too. From the dog park we walked through the forest to Carnelian St then back through the neighbourhood to our house.

When I tried to put Charlie back in his cage he demanded cuddles which I think was his way of thanking me for taking him out on the gambol around the traps.

I am teaching him to say "Ahhh Omi's here" as I have a twisted sense of humour and he is a clever talker. He learned to make the Star Wars pew pew pew sounds after Jarrod played him the noise from his android phone, in one evening.

I think if Charlie says his usual "What's up? Then follows through with "Ahhh Omi's here" I will die laughing. That of course is the best way to die. Laughing. On your feet. Free of evil fucktards.

So that is just one of my goals in the Life and Death of The Tanya. Lots more things I could aspire to but not been lucky in any of those. So...Schmeh!

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Just had a call from Dad's lawyer. His ashes are being sent up to me on Monday. So I suppose in a few days after that the Wandering Star fucker will arrive. Then Jarrod and I can put him with the rest of his cohorts.

Freedom to The Tanya!!!

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7 April 2016

Not been well today. Pain in my Achilles heels (arthritis?) exhausted, headachy.

I just had a chat with Crystal on Skype. It was lovely to 'see' her.

I am glad I went for a walk with Bobo today or the entire day would have been spent like an invalid. He is settling into being a really nice little dog. I am happy about that.

7 April 2014

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I am at Crystal's apartment helping clean walls, windows etc. She moves out tomorrow morning. I feel very triggered as I moved house with my kids 12 times. It never stops even when they grow up lol!

She bought us Red Rooster and I am having a cup of tea remembering all the moves of my past and so grateful I don't have to leave my house, Be'ezrat Hashem (by the Will of God)!

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My sister did all of those things to me, in not supporting my case of child sexual abuse, herself a survivor of the same abuser, as she wanted to 'protect her reputation' as a lawyer and later, was really enabling the persistent abuse of me, by questioning my sanity and basically calling me a liar.

She allowed my mother and her new husband to salaciously lie about me without much remonstrance and in the end, pulled the pin on supporting me in the will dispute because "she did not need the money". I consider her actions to be that of enabling, as she was a grown woman when I was being abused and could easily have removed me from that situation to a place of safety.

It's hard not to feel utter cold hatred for my sister, mother, father, the abuser (my godfather) and the two stepfathers that came later. It's hard not to feel that their actions ruined my life and prevented me from having any kind of emotional/mental stability or from finding real enduring love with a man, who could love me and treat me in a healthy loving way.

I can't lay all the blame at the feet of my family, but their lack of real support, denial of my claims, marginalisation, isolation and persistent emotional abuse that continued decades after the sexual abuse had stopped, has had a significant effect on my ability to function in society and contribute in a normal healthy way.

My fight for my own survival has taken me through 4 decades, and in less than a week I will be entering my 5th decade. At 49 I want so little from life, and so much from life.

The Little I want (which means so very much!) is to be Safe. To be Loved. To be Validated. To be seen and heard. The Maximum I dream of is to be a part of loving family and have a lover/partner who genuinely is capable of being with me, without abuse, or games or general bs. I dream, of being successful, in this way.

The reality is this might never happen for me, and it is still a source of grief that I was cheated from cradle to possible grave out of a stable love-filled life by my life experiences.

No I am not Crazy, No I am not Stupid. No I am not Delusional!

I have beautiful, kind soulful friends, who love me and care for me, no matter what! I have been a huge burden to my closest friends, who have many times in our long relationship had to lend me money, or hold my hand, or appear in Tribunals, or court hearings, who have cooked me meals, and given me clothes, taken me out for dinners and drinks, fed my soul, heart and mind, when I was 'naked', distressed, and suicidal.

These friends never let me go, never gave up on me, and I would love to one day, be triumphant in my own life and mind and be able to give back to these gorgeous, amazing Blessings of Humanity, who have helped me LIVE to see this day of Joy and Peace and Solidarity, with my fellow travellers on this magical planet.

Without your love and support, I would not be here. I would not be celebrating my freedom after years of long-term abuse and ptsd and depression. I will never be totally 'normal', but I pray my life settles into some sort of stable contentment for me to slide into older age with.

I am grateful for this gift from God. This new reality. This chance to come back from the brink, not just fighting, but dancing, laughing, being creative, sentient and free.

For every person in my core family that told me I was insane, stupid and worthless, spoilt, ungrateful, dirty, useless and ugly. I can show you a handful of people who will say I am brave, determined, awesome, intelligent, beautiful, wild (untameable!) but generally a good decent person who deserved so much better. You have shown me this a thousand times, and I am only recently believing it.

I love you all, my brave, beautiful friends who uphold me, and never let me down or fall. You are my true Angels amidst the Dark Insanity of hatred that was my former life. God Bless you for being there for me then, and now. You are living proof that there is a God and S/he/it heard my prayers and answered me by gifting me with the bounty and splendour of you all.

I once said to a man, a police chaplain, who told me "There is no God", that there is a God and I have living proof of it. He looked at me in pain and doubt but I said, “God is there for you even if you don't believe and he believes in you, even when you don't believe in yourself”.

The two are concomitant. One cannot exist without the other. I don't think of God in the Jewish sense anymore. I think of God as being in all of us, our hearts, minds, bodies, our microcosmic connections to the macrocosm.

We are each a universe inside of ourselves, and part of the greater Universes. How can we separate ourselves from wholeness when we are already Whole? So to those who tried to destroy me and make me less than what I AM.

You Failed. You will always fail. This is the true beauty of existence. We give so much away to belief systems or other people when all the Power and Glory is within ourselves, only we don't hear the still small voice within, that says "Go On".

When you take back your life, your own power and you see the miracle and the majesty of it all, you can do no wrong. You live free, love free and live without judgement or fear.

You become a little bit dangerous, darlings, but you Become. Others see your Light and your strength and your amazing intrinsic Value, and they become inspired to seek the power within as well.

I hope to see a world where children are safe from sexual abuse, and men and women love each other with kindness and respect as equals, so there is no more damage done to our lives.

The Only Freedom worth having is to be safe, educated, fed, clothed, housed, and loved. May we all live to pay forward our bounteous blessings so others can blossom and grow. Amen.

7 April 2012

Happy Passover! Chag Pesach Sameach! May Freedom Forever Be Our Creed! Amen

7 April 2011

7 April 2010

7 April 2009

So tired of waking up tired...sleeping more and waking up just as exhausted. But my bed is my santuary so it's all good!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons