Memories: 4 May 2025

4 May 2025

9:50 am A long sleep. I must have needed it! Outside the sun is shining. Another day in “Paradise”. Happy Sunday!

I woke up with a bit of a start…I dreamed that my now former musician friend was lying next to me, languorously and passionately kissing me. I was kissing him back, enjoying the feeling of deep love and warmth and feeling comforted in his arms. But my mind launched me into wakefulness and a reality check. Why would I ever kiss that treacherous false monster?

In reality we have never kissed or been lovers in the classic sense. He had told me he was happily married and we only shared one brotherly/sisterly peck one time at the Brooklyn Standard which was affectionate and kind but there had been no sexual overtones behind it. Apart from that, we only ever blew kisses to each other. Just sweet little gestures that did not lead to anything more sexual.

So why now, a month after his cruelty to me at the Koala Tavern gig, do I have this weird dream of him? It felt so real, like he was sending his energy to me, that my conscious mind took control and woke me up. I will not allow him access to me, not even in the dream realm. Fuck off. Seriously.

I need a real man, with real heart and soul and with authentic enduring true love and passion for me and only me…not another “actor” and sadistic vicious game player. It’s a repeat pattern of what Dave put me through ten years ago…although he was not married. But was also constantly sadistic and voyeuristic and stalkerish and just plain awful to me.

So how this friendship turned so ugly, I have no idea. Actually I do…he wants some other woman and didn’t have the couth or courage or basic respect to verbalise that to me directly. Another grown man incapable of adult communication and real life interactions. Embarrassing to be him.

Well, I have learned how little he actually cared for me as a friend. Anyone who dares to humiliate me, knowing how much I loved him, has no place in my life on any vector of it.

He can just kiss off into the air. Stop bothering me in the astral. I deserve a real authentic lover, who chooses me each and every time and is happy to be my man, my partner. Who loves me wholesomely, holistically…mind, body and spirit and who would never play sick cruel games with my heart and mind.

I look forward to that event in the space-time continuum when I finally meet The One meant for me. Whose love is kind, deep and immense and unwavering! No matter how much time passes or how many other women compete for his love. Is that even possible?

4 May 2024

…

3 hours sleep this morning. From 4 am until 7 am. But I am happy. I am grateful.

I had a nice day. In the afternoon I took Charley for a walk but we stopped at Margot’s and had a cup of tea with her and hung out with Rosie and the children. Then I walked home again, as I was a bit weary but glad I visited Margot on the spur of the moment.

4 May 2023

A nice day. Ratih cleaned in the morning. I transcribed my trance drumming notes and put them into folios in my folder. Some interesting insights in those.

Then I made a pumpkin and potato soup with celery. I also baked bread in my bread machine. I felt tired from the effort of the past two days, polishing my boulder opal.

I also took Beau and Charley for a walk and we visited Rosie the Labrador, Blueboy the Blue Heeler and of course, little Miss Koko. Rosie was thrilled to see us and played exuberantly. Lovely dog! Blueboy was also happier than usual to see me.

4 May 2021

Storm incoming!!! The lightning is an unusual golden colour! I checked the BOM and there is a severe storm warning with hail predicted.

I’m not feeling anything serious but that lightning sure is an unusual colour in the night sky.

4 May 2020

4 May 2019

Yesterday I was hypomanic so I put that intense burst of psychic energy - which, combined with bone-weary chronic fatigue, feels like my own body is at war with itself - into cleaning all my copper pots and collection. Phew. Insane. It took hours.

Towards the end (I still have two copper objects to clean!) I was muttering and cheering myself on. But I started feeling lightheaded and fucking crazy so I quit and went to watch tv for a while.

I went to bed at 11:30 pm but my bladder (fuck you you wonderful frankensteinian creation) decided, as she does every two-three hours every night, to drag me out of bed to decompress my vital signs and release toxins (polyuria is a side effect of sleep apnoea but it could be menopause also).

I finally fell into a deep sleep after 3:30 am. That is my bladder shut the fuck up and I ceded to exhaustion.

I woke up rather unwillingly at 12:30 pm to a huge fly buzzing my face. That same motherfucker has been waking me up the exact same way for the past four mornings.

It buzzed and buzzed and in my semi-conscious state I wondered if it was the harbinger of death or how attractive to fucking flies my naked sweaty extruding body and layawhile unconscious breath must be!

Weirdly within minutes of waking up, greeting my dog and Penny, the fly creature disappeared. That fly reminds me of my mother, pestilential and intrepid, never let me rest without waking me up loudly and inappropriately.

Usually slamming my door into the wardrobe or letting her evil berserk cat in to viciously bite at my throat. Magic The Second was an evil sibling rivalry cunt of an animal.

So yeah I got up and threw on clothes, fed Charlie and put him outside and weeded the garden at the back which is getting out of control.

Now I am exhausted again. Woot! But Alive and aware in the Dream.

I have had some intense dreams all week too. Changes afoot. I can feel it coming.

Yesterday I felt Dave’s energy from 2 pm til bedtime. No idea what he is doing or what he wants. There is a wonderful invention. It’s called a mobile phone. I am not going to respond to his (probably unconscious!) energy signatures. If he wants to talk to me...he can call me. I reject this unholy telepathy.

I know many of you think me mad but even my doctor has taken notice of my “Jungian Connection”.

Well, I am an old fashioned woman. In my day if a man loved you, he rang or showed up. You know...in real world like a real man.

Ain’t nobody got time for this shit! Not even Mama T.

Anyway, good afternoon 🙂. It’s about to rain but today is gonna be a good day!

Update 2020: Naw. The photo of him and I together showed up in my memories too. (4 May 2014).

Pity it never fully manifested into a lasting partnership. C’est la vie! It wasn’t for lack of trying on my part. My heart is stoic, resilient and unwavering. Even if it was kicked to shit too many times.

I have an indomitable spirit and an intrepid heart. Somebody should cut it out of my chest after I die and bloody keep it in a bottle of preservative as a museum exhibit. The Tanya‘s heart that never ever quit. FFS!!!

…

Ew! I just realised that Dead Elvis creature who has been sending actual doppelgängers and other Elvis impersonators to my spot on the dance floor for several weeks...double ew! Well, it’s his birthday today.

I hope like hell he doesn’t put in an appearance at the casino tonight. I have been pre-warned by spirit, with all the pseudo manifestations (man infestations) so I think he might. Triple Ewwww!

Meanwhile something is blossoming in my chest and it’s not the usual backed up bile! The rain is soothing! I am feeling momentarily happy and free. Perhaps even powerful in my own spirit.

So yeah... any former sputtering flames better not attempt to play me tonight. I will douse them with my wit. Cool their ardour with my tempestuous fury. Or leave them flat like the intemperate brats they are.

Remind me: where is my fucking lemonade? Ahh yes, it was Solo. Bitter, sour and deprived. Or should that actually be: depraved. Hahaha!

…

Big rain storm just hit. Finally! That will clear my meridians.

…

HaShem! Look who showed up in my memories just now. No wonder I was feeling his energy signature! Five years ago we took those photos. After that, oh how he played me for a fool! But love is Eternal. It sneaks in the back door, stares at me from across a dance floor then mercurially slips and slides away like the slippery fishy he is.

I can laugh now. (HEALING)

I love the first photo as I actually said to him “pretend you like me” and he stood so dignified but obviously bemused. Now he is just a fading memory and I am ready to let all that shit gooo.

My psychiatrist said Dave is back. I was a tad annoyed by this. After all he is not back at all but tap tap taps my energy and I work hard to ignore it so I can let go, let love and maybe one day find authentic love with someone new.

Sick to death of being “Lot’s wife”. But alas my doctor is right. He is back! Grrr!

4 May 2018

So tired this morning. It’s a glorious sunshiny day though. I woke up at 8.30 am and felt motivated enough to hit the ground running but now...fell in a hole. (Miffle miffle...I am down here...can you see me?) lol.

I am going to visit Bridgy this arvo to bring her the knitted faery I made for her. She is gifting me a dream catcher. So that will be lovely.

4 May 2017

Today I let go of another horcrux from my marriage 33 years ago. Apart from the wedding photos, this was the last attachment to my early life as a young wife and mother.

I feel Shattered to think how pointless and worthless my entire life has been (not for the first or last time no doubt).

No attachments left to that family apart from their name and my daughters' bloodlines. Freedom had a price and cost me too much. But it will be a distant almost-forgotten memory one day.

I am glad I burnt the wedding dress last year. I belong to no human but to myself and I suppose, the Holy One.

Update 2020: Must be something about this time of year. Exactly a week ago (27 April) I burnt the teddy that Trevor gave me.

…

I have just had a delicious bath in Epsom salts, with Aniseed, mandarin, bergamot oils. A long soak while watching Wisdom Teachings on Gaia.com. I feel much calmer now. Also cleansed and purified. Psy sighs.

4 May 2014

I had a wonderful night with my beautiful Sarah. She bought us dinner at Jackpot Noodles, which was delicious, then we danced the Dance of Life, Triumph and Glory into the poor beleaguered but newly renovated dance-floor at Irish Murphys.

Berst were playing and we were loving them and they were in the Transcendental Zone of Creative Bliss (Andy was just at the Zenith of his Drumming High, Dale and Woody were Finger Picking Awesome and Woody was singing so heartily and Joyously when BANG went the sound system).

So we lost our fabulous band for the remainder of the night but we carried on with Disco tunage and kept dancing.

I made peace with one of my most frequent 'stalkers'. A guy I like despite his persistent confusion and ambivalence. This was rather unexpected and weird but resolved by a nice kiss and followed through at the end of the night with a lovely cup of tea and a piece of Baklava each. Oh, the Sweetness of Life and the twists and turns of romantic possibilities.

However, friendship is much better than the roiling turpitude of unfulfilled Unrequited Love affairs, lying flailing like a dying fish. Oh g-d, not againnn, Tanya. So I am moving forward and keeping myself happy and who knows what surprises are yet in store.

Update 4 May 2020: Lmao! Time heals all wounds. Hahahaha

4 May 2011

Quiet but content day. I woke up at 2pm after snuggling on my electric blanket with my co-conspirators, Bella and Zulu. They are loving Winter, extra heat!

Then I hung up my printers tray and put in all the tiny schmontzes that have been lying around the house. It looks gorgeous. I felt energized enough to take Bella for a walk around the block. Bella thought it was a miracle.

4 May 2009

I'm broke, toothless, with massive coldsores....but still dead sexy hahahhaha Least I still got my weird sense of humour.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons