Memories: 31 March 2025

31 March 2025

7:49 am Another glorious sunny morning. Happiness!

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Lmao! This photo, taken at The Elephant Hotel on 30 September 2015 (1 month and 9 days after my suicide attempt) just popped up. That young woman was Everything! We had the wildest time. I think her name was Kirsty. I never forgot her. The Mama T was blowing life back into her own spirit quite determinedly, fiercely and triumphantly.

Kirsty came up to me, looked at me as though she saw my barely disguised pain, bought me a drink and asked if she could dance with me that night. I replied “Of course you can, my love! You are most welcome!” We danced like Devas creating new worlds ALL night long. I held her in my firm embrace.

Souls on fire! Recognise each other. Blessed Be, little one…wherever you are.

A lot has changed since then. By the gods, it’s quite astonishing and humbling and quite quite fabulous!

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4:36 pm Heads up. I have thunder asthma. The weather bureau does not mention any storm. Yet…the weather is on the turn. Be ready!

31 March 2023

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1:41 pm this afternoon I feel an intense enervation (anxiety? Excitement?) I feel like ringing all my friends and babbling in their ear for hours. I can’t. They are working! I did babble to Lyn for a short while but she is busy also with her family.

I am sitting in the garden like a babbling blithering brook circumvented by some damnèd Dam while Beavers chew at their carefully contrived obstacles but I just flow and flow…feels like one of my nervous breakdowns.

Psy sighs…where will it end? I never know.

Charley is exploring the garden so I am worried about snakes. Beauregard is watching the neighbourhood. I hear a loud sneeze! My neighbour Warren is out in his garden, probably quietly spying on me too. (As he does…lol….wondering what The Witch is up to next!)

Why nothing…I overexpended my energy resources, ran out of money and motivation so am succumbing to depression…as I do.

I think I will go dancing tonight, even though I am broke. I need the exercise. I need some fun before I die! I need to recalibrate my spirit. I need…I want…I desire… blech. I am battling an underlying fatigue and a resignation. But don’t worry, there is a resourceful resurgence underlaying that.

Right now, it’s the loneliness I am tamping down. It’s not real. It’s ephemeral. I have all that I need and want from life. I fought long and hard for it.

So…don’t worry, be happy?….

I have been absorbing other people’s emotions and motivations like a sponge. Time to shake it off, or harden my titanium exterior, or let it rinse through like a colander!

I am not drowning but waving… yeah? Yeah baby. Sink or swim…or float like my unsinkable but evil perverted mother in her sarong in her pool, her geriatric pubes fluffing like anemones, calling me to my own Death.

“You shall not have me, Gisela, you Dybbuk from the 7th echelon of Hell”….Happy Passover Tany…

Passover. I was passed over all right. Passè, passed by, kicked to the kerb, left to struggle in the Shadowlands… but Hooray and up She rises…my Neshamah that knows…it ain’t over til it’s over.

There is more to love and more to learn and more to take delight in and more to rejoice in…more. And more. Sometimes just barely enough..

So what gifts this spiritual excitement? Faith. In what? My own stupid self who keeps going even when it seems insane. Too hard, impossible.

So dance we shall!

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Mama T of Titania’s Realm now has all the tools for casting (except my new Smith little Torch kit….argggghhhh). I am also awaiting some embossing tools I ordered.

The pastry pusher arrived this morning. I have been using a chasing hammer I bought recently. So It will be interesting to discover which works best (or which I prefer!) Craig Dabler recommends the pastry pusher. Kerri-lea Cayne recommended the Chasing hammer. I started using a normal ball pein. It worked well also.

So I feel floated on the vicissitudes of fate as so many different tools and applications can run to a helluva expense. When all I need is silver…or gold…(ahem!) a positive attitude, a resilience and a stoic mind boggling bloody mindedness to be intrepid and keep going after every epic failure. Oh and the most important part…to have fun and enjoy the process.

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9:37 am I have woken up from a series of dreams, flowing into each other like badly eroded celluloid film tape.

I have stomped with my arthritic joints into the kitchen. I have drunk a cup of tea. I let the dog and Charley outside. There is a beautiful light in the garden this morning. Golden streams of light but so bright that it stabbed my still sleepy eyeballs and I did not even have my glasses on yet. Ouch. But I looked around and thanked the gods (the Holy One in all manifestations) for this new day.

I have lived in a hell loop on repeat for almost 6 decades. But I know it behooves me to express joy and gratitude in my survival…my thriving. Oh how the spirits insisted I thrive in recent years.

A distraction from other more urgent terrorising times. A distraction from the general malaise and apathy of the general population who somnalently and silently comply with their own demise. Barely a whisper of dissent.

Thank the gods for The Tanya who awakened from her own bloodstained, shitstained traumas just in time to hold her own sacred space ground whilst screaming into the deafening roar of the silent masses’ complacency.

But I will defy all attempts to lead humanity like lemmings to their own destruction. I have known a few rare good kind people in my life…otherwise I would have sat back and let them all Die without a word, without a struggle too.

But I am a future thinker…I wanted progeny…grandchildren, if not my own bloodlines since that seems no longer tenable then healthy blood stock for future generations. Yes…I wanted our children kept pure and untrammelled by mRNA violations on their immune systems.

The Psychedelic Dreamer chooses life (even though most days I have barely existed) if not for my own sake then for future children…yet to be born. Keep your kids pristine. Untrammelled by sexual

Abuses and concocted bio lab weapons of mass destruction!

For the love of all the gods. For our planet. For the sacred sanguinity of Life itself. Did you listen? Do you hear me?

Alas…no.…..

So I grieve and cleave to my own life, never knowing what each day will gift me…but I fought every day not just for me but for humanity, in my small insignificant way on Facebook, YouTube and Vocal Media and it was rather moot…muted and silenced and scorned. But I kept going…held my head high and I have righteousness and sanguinity on my side. I can hold your gaze with a clear conscience. The gods know it. I know it.

So yeah…this morning I dreamt of a former friend who was actually instrumental in saving my life after my suicide attempt in 2015. That was brought on by the most immense abuses, slanders and malfeasances that year.

Hit me in every vector of life and that event was a deliberate training ground by the gods as they could not communicate with me until I was literally out of my mind and body in a fugue state for an entire day. I don’t know exactly what the spirits were telling me that day but I know now, I was spared and cast back to earth for these very times.

To call out the bullshit as I see it and to keep calling it out until my last breath.

Then another stark terrifying reminder in 2019. “You will be okay… living in a hellscape of epic proportions…but you will be okay”. I begged the spirits to take me…I can’t bear any more suffering…it’s been too long, too sadistic…too arduous … but they replied they would help me get through this.

They were true to their word. I had a lot of help. I had frenetic inspired desires to become a jeweller…(that has been a form of insanity that, at the height of the Covid mandates and lockdowns my psychiatrist termed “manic denial”).

However I denied nothing but I worked until my hands seized up and/or bled. I worked even when I accidentally smashed my left hand with a 2 Lb mallet.

The bruising never quite healed. The pain was incredible. But I did not go to the hospital as I knew they were compromised and run by alien death cults.

Yup. They threw away my patient file but I did not discover that until my bladder started to play up seriously enough this January for me to finally go to that murderous insane hospital. Funny that.

Well….I dreamed of Julie Goddard. She was squatting down on a beach, her red hair now flecked with grey, tied back in a braid. Her legs out in front of her were extremely thin. So thin she looked like a fragile bird sitting on that beach.

I wanted to yell at her that although beautiful as always, she needs a good meal. But I was an observer. She could not hear or see me.

I asked myself “what is she doing on that beach, alone and so very fragile?” The dream showed her raising up a very expensive camera, she was taking photographs.

I felt relieved. She is okay then. In real life she is a talented photographer. In real Life she tended to be underweight too. But she is okay. The dream said so.

Then the dream shifted to other dreams but they are slipping away from me now. The most important one was seeing Julie on that beach. I too crave the sea.

When I fix my brakes I will be going to the beach, but by then it will be autumn and I have missed an entire summer. I have not gone swimming once.

No wonder my soul is desiccated…she misses the sea so much. But I have hyper focused on jewellery. Hedonistic trinkets that kept me from the sea. But kept me safe in my isolated little world. Everything has a reason…and a season.

31 March 2022

Yesterday’s hefty depression has lifted somewhat but today I have been smashed like an avocado on a yuppie toast breakfast by tummy issues.

Then it hit me (along with the purging…yuck!) I had fish and chips on Tuesday evening for dinner as well as vanilla slice for Lunch. My poor liver can no longer process dairy or fat or too much sugar. So it threw it out of me in a decisive act of survival.

Eat shit…you die and if you don’t die you will feel as though you are already dead and reanimated like a corpse on steroids.

This was the gift of the poisoning I received from HRT as well. It’s not all dietary. That hormone imbalance cost me my gall bladder as well.

So now I must rest and cut out deep fried foods. It’s a shame as I rarely eat fish and chips anymore and I thoroughly enjoyed them but the effects are too devastating.

I will learn the hard way I suppose.

31 March 2021

I sprained my right wrist yesterday. I don’t know on what but it hurt to pull up a few weeds and I was unable to use my hand much today sanding back the timber cabinet doors. (Which was annoying as I am right handed) but I managed it anyway.

Now my wrist is extremely sore. I wonder what caused it? It just started hurting yesterday out of nowhere. I suppose it’s a touch or arthritis in the wrist.

Mama T being who she is... I am intrepidly marching on. It hurts to type on my iPhone with my sore wrist. Hmmm Time for a rest methinks!

31 March 2020

11:11am. Make a wish!

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10:08 am...another beautiful morning in “Paradise”. I am sitting outside with Charlie and Beauregard eating Greek yoghurt with jam as I stupidly bought unsweetened yoghurt with some noble but idiotic idea of baking something with yoghurt in it which has not eventuated. (Ahem). Charlie is enjoying the yoghurt too.

I am looking forward to Lyn coming over today. It’s been a while since I have seen her. Yayy! I have had no visitors except for Pete and little Coco dog popping past to play briefly with The Beau. Which is sweet of him.

Facebook keeps me entertained (and often traumatised by constant news updates) so it’s nice to see an actual human occasionally.

The last time I had communication from Crystal she sneered at me about my abandonment issues then went right ahead and abandoned me. She is good at that. Projecting her Shadow. Lol.

But I might frequently feel abandoned but I am also resilient and courageous and focus my love on those beings that value me. Otherwise I would have given up and died for real years ago.

I am so used to being Alone that it is not actually distressing to me. I find dealing with other humans who are toxic much more distressing. Such is life.

So what happy thoughts can I aspire to today? Seeing my beautiful friend Lyn, enjoying my garden, and my non-human beloveds. Breathing light and life and love back into a zombie apocalypse world. You know. Stuff!

31 March 2019

A gorgeous day. I got out of bed with my pinched nerve above my right buttock that I earned from dancing wildly for 2 nights. I took The Beau and Mr Charlie for a walk in the warm balming sunshine. They loved it.

It did us all good to be outdoors after the few days of constant drizzling rain which I also rejoiced in as it was much needed. Balance restored.

Beautiful days like today remind me that life is worth living and fill me with anticipation (twitterpation?) for a more loving and kinder future. Silly, really, the gifts of Nature that ennoble us yet we so often take their messages for granted.

31 March 2018

Big luscious moon outside. The light that lit the way for the children of Israel on their journey from Egypt to Canaan. 40 years in the wilderness.

Gevalt!

I have left my own wilderness and still pursuing the promised land (of Byron Bay/Bliss/True Love/Abundance/Peace)whatever manifestation the gods (and Creator decrees!)

Yesterday I was roiled with severe anxiety and a desperate craving. Hopefully this spiritual awakening will end soon. I am exhausted from the constant “power surges” and centrifugal cast offs.

I eagerly await the next phase of my existence.

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So sick of liars, stalkers, rapists, and psychic vampires.

Still going out tonight, where I shall see one of every description.

Don’t worry, I will not be feeding La Louche. Fermez les Bouche!

Jenny and I have dancing to do!

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I woke up this morning at 8:11 am, feeling calm and mentally clear. It was a huge relief as yesterday I was beset with such heavy anxiety, so much so that even cleaning my house was arduous and I had to push through my mental instability to complete the task.

I almost resorted to taking a Valium as it was such a firestorm of emotions and lasted most of the day. There were moments I just wanted it to end.

But like a stormy squall blown out to sea, it has passed. For now!

I feel incredibly mortified and scarified. Crystal’s cruelty to me when I was choking and coughing has cost me dearly. I am griefstricken and still traumatised. But you know, I never ever had any true love connections in my life and I was a fool to keep hoping for it.

But my lungs are slowly healing, in that I am coughing less frequently and the coughing bouts are less emphatic.

I need to regroup. Get Crystal’s stuff out of my house and get rid of my excess accumulations and disappear into the sunset. But we all know that won’t happen. No money. Poor health. Isolation.

Only way out of this turgid fetid mess is Death. I hope I have turned a corner and can look forward to a nicer, more integrated life. Something radical has to change and that must come from me.

I don’t know how I am ever going to have the life I prayed for. But in the meantime, I am sitting in my garden, with Beauregard, and Charlie, happy and grateful for the silence and the serenity of this Sacred Space and feeling humbled and gracious to be even alive. A life I have fought so very hard for.

31 March 2017

My Mushu just came home. Been gone 4 nights. Yayyy!

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Not feeling very well right now. I had a nap too. Must be another storm coming. I feel pressure in my pineal Gland (or is it a blocked sinus ;-) ).

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Haha my third bedroom door which has been swollen for about a year and doesn't close properly is slamming shut ie closing like a normal door. So either the house has moved slightly with the big wet or the moisture in the air has made the timber more supple. Scratching my head. Can't work it out! Lol!

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5.17 am. Very humid morning. Winds still strong outside. Strange cloud formation to the east pre-Dawn. Bobo wanted out to go toilet now won't come back in cos Bone, Mama! So I went back to bed to let you know the weather event is not quite over yet.

31 March 2016

I am going through a tumult of emotions. Sad, angry, excited, ready to move forward but stuck in the quagmire of the past. Feeling love in my core but dealing with issues of poverty and rejection. It feels like a churning washing machine. I am being cleansed I guess.

Some days the drugs just don't help Mmmk! I want to run screaming, my hair flying in the wind. Oh well. Such is life in the desert.

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Still coughing. So over this. I still have a repeat of antibiotics but it is a dry cough. Just irritation.

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I nearly died of this after stepping on one of Bella's bones in 2012. The wound site went very red and swollen. The pain was bearable but my nurse friend sent me straight to hospital. I had put up with the pain for 3 days.

They admitted me right away and gave me IV antibiotics. At the time the IV canister hurt more than the foot! It was like razor blades every time they administered another dose. I was not on any pain relief but was in such an altered state I actually saw an Indigenous family of spirits around a campfire.

They comforted me and told me I was going to get well again. When I told the staunch catholic male nurse he threatened to put me in the psych ward if I mentioned seeing spirits again. An unbeliever. I said the hospital is built on tribal lands. He argued with me.

Later Jarrod told me that my vision was true. There is a cottage on the Princess Alexandra hospital grounds that is a museum that honours the original land owners. I should check it out sometime.

I had been devastated in hospital as my daughters refused to visit me. Jasmine incommunicado as usual and Crystal had no money for the bus.

An elderly dementia patient took pity on me in the ED and gathered 2 blankets, one he folded up for a pillow and one to cover me. He did not speak but motioned for me to lift my head. He had lost language but not lost how to nurture people.

I cried long and hard as in that moment he had been a more loving "father" than I had ever known. Advanced Alzheimers but he cared for me, lovingly. Perhaps I reminded him of his own daughter/sister/niece?

He sure as shit made up for my awful uncaring biological family. This proved to me that there is still Love in the world. I have always relied on and been blessed with the kindness of strangers and with beautiful friends. Without whose love and devotion I would have suicided day years ago.

There is nothing more tragic than being totally alone and abandoned and isolated. Which is why I have many pets! I knew from early childhood what it means to be neglected and abused. So I put all my love into beings that love back.

31 March 2014

Today I got my hair done and almost slept through my hair appointment. I had to rush to dress and drive like a maniac to get there lol. Funny.

Then after I went to visit Gail and Christina and Tahylia. I read my tea leaves and was surprised to see a huge Griffin near the bottom of my cup. Huge Protection and luck methinks. Near the top of the cup was what looked like heaps of birds flying en masse. Hmmm. It's so weird but I took photos of it as I'm trying to work out what the portents mean. lol.

Now I am home and eagerly awaiting Vikings at 8.30pm. I am feeling relaxed and happy after my big weekend out so it will be nice to just sit and watch tv for a change.

Tomorrow I am having afternoon tea with my darling Heather, then after that I will be helping Crystal Schlep stuff to her new abode. Oyyy! Moving house gives me the heebie jeebies. Better her than me!

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Sarah came and picked me up and took me out to dinner at this lovely Korean (Japanese?) restaurant in the city. It was yummy.

Then we went to Irish Murphy's and danced wildly to "Wasabi" who were belting out some epic tunage. Normally I can't feel my feet. Tonight I can't feel my legs. LMAO. I had a fantastic time!

I am so grateful for my beautiful amazing friends who are so generous and kind to me, and whose company I truly relish. Life is truly wonderful and I am so fortunate to have lived to enjoy such mad revelry, wonderful gorgeous friends and my daughter.

Crystal is bringing my car back tonight, and tomorrow I am off to my hairdresser to get 'refreshed'.

31 March 2013

I got up at 2 pm. Threw on gardening clothes, took my meds, had a cup of tea then lurched ad hoc into my African tulip tree to trim some over hanging branches.

I used a step ladder, hooked my long gypsy skirt into my knickers, kicked off my thongs (jandals) then climbed higher up and struggled and battled with a higher branch.

I sweated so much with the effort that my hair was wet as well as my clothing. The air was humid and cloudy skies.

When I finally got the branch to fall, I spent some lovely moments catching my breath and looking up into the treetop and just loved the energy and the resonance of the tree and the earth. It was beautiful.

Then I climbed back down, dripping with sweat and began shredding the leaves and twigs into my compost. My hens happily kicked and scratched the compost heap and Bella lay on the top watching and waiting while I worked also.

Then the most delicious storm came and I worked at the branches in the compost heap until it got too dark to see and the rain became very heavy.

I laughed as Bella and I ran inside to see Penny cowering in the laundry, too scared to come out in the rain and lightning so I chased her out, locked the door and opened the back door for we three to be snug and safe and warm inside! Then I took a shower and I feel fantastic. Even my lower back pain has eased!

31 March 2012

31 March 2011

I had a pleasant day with visits from several friends, Lyn and Annette in the morning and Gail at night. I even found the motivation to take Miss Bella Rosa for a quick walk in the forest. (She hates the forest but it was just before dark and lovely and cool). Better than nothing I reckon. Poor bloody dog!

31 March 2010

I've had a very traumatic two days, found out the evil stepsisters have brought a Will to light and will now have to contest whatever is in said Will and am expected to pay a private Solicitor to locate said Will...it's bullshit.

So I’ve written to a No Win/No Pay lawyer and hope to G-d that they take my case. I am so sick of having to fight for what is Mine by right.

31 March 2009

There's no textbook on Sanity copyright Tanya Arons to her psychiatrist. If nothing else my 3 weekly debrief always generates interesting throwaway lines. LOL

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons