Memories: 31 January 2025

31 January 2025

5:11 am I woke up ridiculously early. Which means I will have to put myself back to sleep. But as I arose from the astral I felt overwhelming emotions: love, excitement, anticipation. Feelings of being held precious and immersed in great love.

What? I thought. Sometimes it’s hard to identify if I have actually died and been gently blown back to life by some Supranatural Force of Supernature that just won’t let me go. Frankly it used to terrify me sometimes. Now I just go with the flow.

I am alive in this body, mind and spirit even if it doesn’t make sense. Even if it’s been decades of emotional torture. Even if.

What can I still build from the residue of my life? Even at this late stage (almost 60!) With limited resources, and only heart and mind, courage and attitude. I wonder? Is this psychosis? Continuously choosing life and living in an holographic illusion? Holding on while letting go?

Why are the gods/ angels/fae keeping me here? For what purpose? I have lived, loved, reclaimed my life from the grasping sweaty cloying clutches of false family of origin and false loves often enough. Long enough.

When will love be kind, ennobling, gracious, loyal and mine at last? If ever.

In the meantime…the dance must continue. The rhythm of life. My defiance against a desecrated desolate planet. My joy, my bliss, my zen zone. My memory of how life used to be before traitors and enemies stymied our collective safety and turned spiritual gold to dust and ashes.

But I bit down hard on that…fought it with every fibre of my being. Watched my world die…then strove to bring beauty and breath and Corazon into it.

One more time…one more day. Alive in the psychedelic dreaming.

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31 January 2024

I had another nice day today. I made another YouTube video then later got stuck into making a new link for my snake bracelet (it was too small!) so I had to cut open one link, add another link and solder both links. But it now fits better on my wrist and I can close the catch easily. Phew.

Then around 5:30 pm I got hungry so I made an omelette with cheese and two mushrooms. Delicious.

Then I got an urge, for the first time in a week, to take Charley for our usual walk around the block. I stopped in to visit Peter and little Koko on our way back.

I am on day 9 of the Betmiga or Mirabegron for my bladder. It’s not doing shit to prevent the nocturnal excessive bladder overactivity. So I feel wrung out and a tad distressed. But it’s only been 9 days so I will have to persevere.

I got a text this morning that I have an appointment at the Mater Public Clinic on 11 March at 9 am so that is amazing as my urologist thought I’d be on the waiting list for 12 months. So hopefully a decision will be made then as to whether I should stay on the Betmiga or whether they will gift me the Botox treatment instead (which has a risk of retention which would mean I would need a catheter for the rest of my life). All very humbling mortifying stuff.

31 January 2023

I had a lovely time at my hairdresser. I met another of her clients. A lovely woman who comes from South Africa who has German Jewish ancestry. We had a wonderful time telling wild and funny but true stories!

Plus my hair looks great again. Thanks Kylie for a lovely day! Xxx

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9:47 am awake. Not much sleep. About 3 hours. Maybe not even quite that much. Shoulder is painful. But up and at ‘em. Have a good day, People!

Much love from Titania’s Realm. I suspect Mama T is going to be a bit cray-cray today. Not enough sleep will do that to her 🙂.

Let us see what magick we can manifest today!

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3:26 am unable to sleep. All night long. The skin cancer meshugass really trauma activates me badly. Even though my skin doctor was pleasant and thorough.

I got to thinking about all the other weirdness over the past month. Spiritual attacks and even a poltergeist manifesting mischief with my cleaning lady on Friday. (Nothing serious…just turned off the switch at the power board at the wall!)

Then today finding out my mower man has quit (he did not bother to inform me of that) so I got upset about the need to find another mower personage especially as the grass is growing madly.

My daughter who rang me, teased me jokingly that I was an entitled “bougie” white person expecting that poor Muslim man to mow in 31 degree Celsius heat!

She was winding me up of course. But I am not entitled or unfuckingreasonable. Neither am I racist!!! The lawns need mowing every two weeks in summer and I waited patiently for a response. It was incredibly rude to quit without telling me.

My caseworker promised she will find a new mower man and I trust she will. She is strong and determined and a little bolshey like me. 🙂

I need protection. I need the grass mowed so my home is kept pristine. I need my home to be safe, looked after and stable. Otherwise I unravel into trauma activation and “madness”.

Along with this issue I am worried the price will go up. The cost of cleaning went up. Not a lot but enough to make things a bit of a struggle.

I could sacrifice having a cleaner once a week but the mowing is a necessity. I sold my self-propelled mower since I was unable to manage the lawn by myself.

This land really needs a ride on mower and they cost $6-10K. Not something I can ever afford!

So along with the newly carved flesh I have worries about lawn mowing, money, my meanspirited teasing daughter who accuses me of entitlement when I need a regular job done, and also my sudden obsession over my long flailing love life it’s no Wonder I can’t bloody sleep.

I slept enough for decades. Now I am awake, aware and sleepless in Brisbane and on the fine razor’s edge of going completely Berserk!

But…psy sighs. Tomorrow…or rather later today …I am getting my hair done. So I will be a glamorous Berserker! 😉 or is that a Bourgeois Berserker like Boudicca?

I will probably fall asleep in Kylie’s chair while I wait for my foils to set. (I used to do that years ago!)

PS I will forgive my daughter as she just moved house so is exhausted and not in her right mind. 🙂

31 January 2021

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31 January 2020

Today I slept until 12:30 pm. I was utterly exhausted after my week of earache and hypomania!

I just had a shower and now have a slight nausea. I had to finish off washing my hair in cold water as I worried I might either throw up or faint.

Nothing to worry about as this is common when I get heat exhausted or dehydrated. I felt awful yesterday so drank lots more water then recovered a bit late at night.

I have to go for my debrief at 3 pm and was hoping to make it to Ecstatic Dance but with the current feeling of weakness I might not push myself.

This ear problem has really knocked me around. But like everything else, it will pass.

I might drink some more water right now so I can summon the energy to get to my psychiatrist.

31 January 2019

I finally sat down on the couch, flicked on the tv and yasssss, Vikings came on. Brilliant serendipitous timing.

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I have been down in the schvitzing heat to the Salvation Army with a car full of clothes and old cushions. Then I did some grocery shopping.

My feet and ankles hurt from swelling from the heat. Ouchies!

On a happy note, it’s slightly cooler this evening!

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10:42 am Schvitsingggggggggg!

Too bloody hot. Going out of my mind. While sipping a hot cup of tea which is probably contributing to the epic schvitsing (sweating). I am incongruent like that.

Last night I ate way too much ice cream in a self-soothing attempt to cool my gums. It worked while I was absorbing all those yummy calories.

I can’t complain. It was nice to have ice cream. I haven’t kept it in the house for a while.

I got to thinking about my life. I feel grateful for my psychiatrist who is determined to keep on with the psychotherapy and who is patiently waiting for me to turn my life around. I can almost feel a change coming. But only time and healing and little miracles manifested each day will bring me to a new paradigm.

My doctor says the man I remain deeply in love with was cruel and passive aggressive in that he gave me a snippet of love, made me feel safe then ripped it all away from me. Yup! I know!

I know I deserve a partner that doesn’t use other women (former friends and new conquests) to hurt and humiliate me. I know I deserve a partner that sees me, even with all my broken damage and lifts me up and holds space for me, protects and honours me and loves me in a way that I feel completely safe, valued, cherished and never betrays or leaves me on a churlish whim.

I deserve that much (and it’s a lot!) but like a mental patient I took the scraps and tiny pieces of heart and soul that were thrown at me with no intention of giving me anything real and I made a shrine so divine and so glorious that ultimately it was only my own Love that could buoy me up and bolster me when time and again they turned my glorious determined strong heart into a desecrated bullet-sprayed piece of molten cheese.

But I re-grew it. Reframed it. Duct taped it, blew life back into it. Blossomed. Still and forever blossoming.

Oh how they hate that. My magic. My bliss. My Mana!

But I was born this way, this is my life’s purpose. To go where angels fear to tread and to love myself in such a way that I am safe and deeply respected and unconditionally loved.

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31 January 2018

Jarrod is right. The moon is a hologram illusion and NASA forgot to show the right slides. All we got was clouds and a tiny seductive peak when some clouds teasingly displayed the elusive eclipsing moon.

Bah! So annoying. But at least I was bathed in moonlight last night. Hologram or not, it was a lovely sight. ButJenny and I sat patiently hoping to see tonight’s display. Nada!

Jenny Fitzgerald: oh well it would have been worse if it decided to appear after the eclipse had happened, but as it is, apart from it being a flirty tease earlier on moon has stayed hidden and dodged the the cat having a fiddle with the cow, da beau beau laugh, and the dish doin' what ever with the spoon lol thanks for your lovely company i have enjoyed it as usual xx

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Well that was epic! Next time I will order online. I am buggared!

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I need to get myself to the shops. I have a craving for watermelon, of all things. Also I want a cheap bottle of wine to sit out tonight and watch the full moon eclipse with.

I might be in pain but I will squeeze every moment out of every day and night. Life is for celebrating!

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I booked an appt for my dr tomorrow at 1 pm. Honestly I think it is useless but the numbness in the left shin is a concern now. Lots of resting and drinking water is in order methinks!

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I had a strange epiphany in the shower.

What if we all cut the programming out of our life. Throw out all the words: the Torah, Shakespeare, the stories of our lives which constantly embroil us in the same tropes of poor and rich, slavery and freedom, love and unrequited love, and just silently, wordlessly, mindfully embraced Life, drank Her down deep and took responsibility for our existence, our paradigm, our belief systems and healed ourselves and each other?

What if? I stopped writing weird thoughts on Facebook and got a life? What if I were another kind of Tanya? Imagination. Wreaks havoc with my chosen plan.

Lmao. I would bend over and tickle my toes but it hurts too much.

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1:39 pm I just woke up. I took an endep at 3:50 am which combined with the Valium I took early in the night finally allowed me to sleep at 6 am. I woke up at 10 (to pee, of course) and fell back into bed until now. 7 hours sleep. Thank you HaShem! I was getting a tad hysterical!

Leg still hurts. Awaiting Terina who is coming to visit this arvo. I have had a shower to wash my hair. Semi humanoid again.

Really thirsty. Must make a cup of tea. I drank water during the night because the constant half-hourly peeing made me feel wrung out and dehydrated. But here I am again, RISING AND SHINING!

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1:50 am unable to sleep as the pain is so intense. I took a Valium at 12:30 am to try to quell my rising panic and hoping it would knock me down to sleep. Instead I needed to pee every hour.

My left leg feels cold to the touch and unnaturally tight. This is the beginning of Day 6 Of sciatica.

So as I don’t know what else to do I am having a hot bath with the remainder of Epsom Salts. (I need to drive to Capalaba Produce to buy more in bulk).

I am utterly exhausted but unable to shut down my mind. It feels like dying but then of course that is me, getting worn out from 5 intense days of pain which no pain relief assisted. Not Endone (I took 1 yesterday) nor endep (had 3, 1 each night but skipped last night’s dose as I realised it wasn’t helping as well as it did for the tmj pain last November).

I guess if no better (or worse!) tomorrow I will go to the Hospital. I don’t think I can hold out like this for much longer. It’s a ridiculous way to be, end-stage trauma patient with a crushed disc or nerve or...what?

I must be strong and carry on. It’s only a thigh, shin and ankle radiating pain in waves. I have endured much much worse. The 3-4 months last year with jaw and teeth pain was epic. But there came a point I considered Suicide when the pain did not abate.

Well, I won’t be going there again! Save that for the heavy duty stuff.

Sorry to be such a baby but it’s 2 am and I have nothing better to do than weigh my options and balance my emotions.

Not even sure why I bother fighting death and illness so hard when it’s inevitable anyway.

But there is that sexy moon and you know, the fantasy of a better future. I will ask the angels to hasten my recovery or to let me go gently. Not a coward but am so tired of battling every aspect of my life, getting nowhere but broken down physically and mentally.

Haha floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee. Whatever!

I am loved, I am powerful and I shall begin again, after this illness passes. As I have always done.

31 January 2017

Watered back garden. Filled Bobo's pool. Scrubbed one of the woollen rugs that cats had shat on too many times, hosed it off, draped it over washing line (heavy). Topped up large fishpond.

Made a nest for baby silky chicks. (They wanted to snuggle under my neck which I let them do for a while, while I watered). But I got worried Bobo might get hold of them so I made a nest and put them back in the coop.

They refused the nest and set up baby screeching hoo and cries. So I put a piece of woollen blanket over the nest box and covered them over. Instant quiet. Bless them.

Lawnmower man rang me. He is mowing tomorrow. So I need to get to an ATM tonight or tomorrow morning.

Debrief with my psych tomorrow afternoon. The days are melting like a Salvador Dali painting.

My feet and legs are aching as if I have been dancing all night. Exhausted.

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At QML. Finally getting a blood test ordered 11 months ago

Jarrod Nielsen: What changed your mind?

Me: Not being able to sleep. I woke up at 8.30 am. Had still not eaten at 10 am so thought, buggar it, carpe diem. I went straight down to Holland Park to get it done. So I can forget about it.

She had little trouble finding a vein this time. It was done very quickly.

I need to see dr in 2 weeks (next payday) for the results. My blood pressure was high. I have gained 6 kilos. So will have to walk more which is hard as I still feel weak after that toothy ordeal that last 2 months. Oh well.

Might buy a yoga mat and start doing yoga stretches in my backyard. I need to regain my strength or what is left of it.

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I had a bad night last night. Between the racing thoughts and the constant peeing (every hour and so annoying). I got little sleep. Finally at 2 am I took a Valium as my mind would not shut down for the night. So I got 3 hours sleep before needing to pee yet again. Gahhhhh!

But I had a lovely time with Jarrod yesterday. Today I am going to the doctor to get my medical certificate signed off for my driving license for another year.

Then going to pick up some baby Silkies for Miss Frieda to raise. I will buy more grain for the hens and chick feed for the chicks. Awesome.

It is another hot day but all is well at Sacred Space.

31 January 2016

I think I overdid the dancing this weekend. I had a great time but I can't feel my legs. It's like walking around like a pudding. Blancmange, squishy fruity hot patootie. I think I am gonna die soon so I will keep having fun until it all comes to a sticky pudding end. Omg! I need sweets! Lol.

My beautiful Karen left me some Maltesers. As soon as I get out of the bath, I will have them. Then slip into a diabetic coma for 12 hours. Yeah Baby. Not really a diabetic, as far as I know but I will be dreaming the dreams of the Just and Awesome.

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9.50 pm. Eating 'breakfast'. Stir fried veges with eggs and rice. I am hungry as a horse after dancing all night and sleeping all day. At least I don't feel so weak and dizzy now. Was bit wobbly a hour ago. Food is Life.

I had Himalayan salt in my food. But yes I must have been dehydrated. I had tummy upset last night, still went dancing, rocked out for hours, then came home and had a hot bath then slept all day and evening.

So lots of water tonight. They promise 35 degrees Celsius tomorrow and 39 on Tuesday. I put a frozen water bottle in with the silkies as the hens started dying of heat exhaustion in this weather.

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5.07 am. Home from another awesome night. Thank you Terina and Antonio for the drinks. Wow! We had so much fun dancing wildly with Mission X.

A nice lady in the ladies room gave me a mirror compact with a sugar skull on it. Just randomly. I was surprised but accepted it graciously.

I was given lots of lovely compliments on my outfit. I feel really loved and valued. Such a nice feeling. The past 3 nights have been really lovely, and my beautiful friends have spoilt me.

31 January 2015

8.05 pm. Done napping for the day. Time to play! Who's in?

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Yes! The new person I am being right now, is Free of others spite, others envy and others judgement. The person I am That I am is Loved, Protected, Respected, cared for and is a pleasure to know and be with. The energy field that is me is Love, Peace and Happiness. I am safe, comfortable and valued.

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How timely after Lana's drunken vicious verbal vomit last night. Her fury that I rejected her friendship (which was toxic!) led her to slander me to my former lover, and every acquaintance she knows I know.

Yet she is still not my true enemy, that vile cunning creature who got me banned from the pub and I am still not given, in writing, an actual reason. Behaviour issues?? What behaviour? I have always acted honourably and defensively under attack. I never gossiped or slandered like Lana Dearest and I never actually deserved any of this shit!

So what is wrong with this picture?

Bemused and confused but as always happens in my life, the Truth will set me Free and my enemies (inadequate pathetic slime-balls will wither and slither away in the dried grasses of their hatred and spite). Crawl on their bellies in the gutter, vomiting out their own Bile.

What will I do?? Try not to have a bad case of schadenfreude like I had with Gila (Today Tonight infamy) or just merely pity them, I guess.

I do blame myself for attracting these creeps into my life in the first place. They wanted to steal my joy or live vicariously through me. Too weak to form their own identity as I have had to fight to form mine.

Fight to keep my head when all about me were losing theirs, and blaming it on me. Fractured people with weak minds and black souls.

Shattered reflections of the mirror my evil family held up for me, the script they wanted me to live by. Be hateful and weak and soul-less like them. Seduce only to Abuse over and over again.

I shall overcome!

I did laugh last night at how my own sister would have been sickened by my friendship with a homeless man who actually cares about helping me and gives me the best Hugs. I can see her face pinching in horror and saying. "How Ghastly!"

Well, she is the ghastly one. Hatred and judgement and vitriol for the marginalised, the sick, the poor and the betrayed Doth NOT maketh the Man or Woman.

So glad I am not cut from the same cloth.

True friends love you, care for you and never hurt you. True lovers also!

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5.05 pm Penny cat and I were just woken by thunder. What a beautiful sound to awaken to! The promise of rain to break the stifling humidity... And here it comes.

Shiver Me Timbers, Sailors!

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Last night my friend Brian took me Skip diving. He got me an awesome ladder which I have been desperately manifesting for the past few days as I can't reach my windows outside to clean them!

He grabbed 3 trays of prawns. Ew! I implored him NOT to eat them but they didn't smell bad. It was nuts. He was happy with his prawns and I was even happier with my ladder.

Karen had really sore feet like me, from dancing in our sexy high-heeled shoes so we dropped Brian back to the casino and we went home to feast on more KFC. Then at 3ish, I started getting vicious calls from Lana. It was a distressing end to a great night out. She called 3 times until 5 am. I am going to ignore it. Trashy horrible creature (Nassssstyyyy little Hobbitses, my Preciousss).

I rang the gentleman friend who she told me she had spoken to and he agreed she is off her head. So now I know the lengths she will go to. Really amazed and disturbed at the same time. It's a funny old world, innit?!

Thank g-d that I had Karen here with me and grateful that my man friend was so kind and understanding also.

So glad to have such beautiful friends supporting me, which more than makes up for the evil people that still try to insert themselves into my life.

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I don't usually vote in person due to religious reasons. However I didn't get around to organising a postal vote. So I trudged down in the heat.

LNP were at the front gate liberally waving their propaganda. I just sneered and carried on down the path. The greens lad (young and handsome) having seen me side-step the side-winding Libs gave me a sweet hopeful smile. I returned his sweetness with a grin of my own.

Next in line were the boys in red. I took their pamphlet and marched on in. The lads almost cheered as they saw the grim look of determination on my face.

I voted and got the hell out of there to an overly cheery Goodbye from the Libs lad at the front gate. Haha.

Now to hope that the rest of Queensland saw the light and gets rid of that Fascist sychophant, Abbott's hand puppet. Or should we say Finger Puppet? Psy Sighs! What a day!

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3.48 am. Came home with Karen. We were enjoying a foot soak in epsom salts when I got harassment phone calls from Lana. Really nasty stuff. Apparently everyone thinks I am a freak and she is making it a mission to approach men I have had a brief relationship with and tell them vile things.

Another Stalker. Mind Blown. I will keep her vicious voicemails and show them to the Police. This is really getting over the top.

I should just call her “Mum”. She has behaved exactly like my mother. Another psychopath.

My God, when will this end?

I just rejected another call from her. Oh well, gonna get some rest.

31 January 2013

Watching Prometheus. Last night I watched Seeking a friend for the end of the world. A nice movie!

Prometheus is awesome! Interesting that it is almost always the Female who survives to make another sequel in the Alien movies. I really like that - the warm fecund womb of a human female, outstripping the reptilian replicator par excellence that progenates via death or gene copying. Interesting...

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I still feel weak in body. Almost faint! However I took Miss Bella Rosa for a walk to the Dog Park. On the return trip, we passed a group of children joyously playing. One little girl stood at their front gate and was singing. I asked her what she was singing.

She told me "just a song I made up". I said "sing it for me then, I would love to hear it". So she began with the words " I have everything I need...". I was so surprised I failed to comprehend the rest of her little ditty for the message had been received.

I thanked her for her song and adjured her to keep on singing, little one! She waved happily. I had met another little witch like me - manifesting potentialities by her sweet song. I said "Bless you, child". My spirit felt lighter. Life is a miracle.

31 January 2012

Almost 3am I must be lonely.... Spent the night grating limes from my tree and squeezing their juice and freezing down. Still more to do but my hand hurts from all that effort.

I got my hair done today - its brown with some blonde foils to counteract the 3 inches regrowth and bad blonde job Lol. I miss being blonde though my hair looks more Natural now. I also did a few loads of washing tonight, feel confident we will get Sunshine tomorrow or ahem, later today.

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Woke up at 3 pm....slept from 3.30ish am....lol Feeling currently a tad fractious and bored....storm coming...damn need to get washing dry before weather breaks lol. Haven't eaten yet today...almost 6 pm so need to eat something...weird appetite changes....oh my goodness.....when will I have peace again?

31 January 2011

Heather Abramson: Good on you handy woman.

Me: I finished off last night by hanging up a wooden curtain pole in the spare bedroom so I could hang up the blue velvet drapes I lovingly steamcleaned months ago. (I brought them here from Mum's and they were really dirty).

It was a hell of a job trying to hang the pole up in the hot room also very hard to measure accurately (definitely a two person job but I couldn't get anyone to help me, even after much nagging!)

So it all looks very nice (if it's not completely symmetrical I don't even care, that's what happens when you have some wine and schvitz in the heat to try to sort out your overcrowded, overcluttered house.) Now at least I don't have velvet drapes lying around uselessly on the chair, so a huge relief to have them up on the window where they belong.

31 January 2009

Thank G-d for Jarrod...he took me to the Art Gallery for some cultural stimulation and a dose of OPTIMISM

Danielle Sloane: I have wanted to go and see that! is it good?

Me: Well it's pretty trippy, not sure whether it should be called OpticKrap or not...but it is certainly interesting overall. Go see it and judge for yourself!

Jarrod Nielsen: All I can say is that I left the exhibit with a different outlook...

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons