Memories: 30 July 2025

30 July 2025

6:05 am De Mama T will be doing the zombie shuffle today….or better yet stay in bed. 15 pee breaks during the night. I think the mullein tea affects my bladder badly but it does drive the mucus off my lungs.

I am so thirsty and so exhausted that I feel like I am in an altered state. This is day three. Hopefully I will

start improving tomorrow. It’s weird getting up so early. It’s still dark outside. But the birds are singing lustily their morning chorus.

I didn’t have an appetite yesterday but I don’t think I should eat. I feel so weak.

Well…nothing to do but keep moving forward until I drive the chest cold out. Holding my line on planet Earth. :-)

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11:33 am drinking chicken soup as I craved salt. I am out in my Sacred Space garden with my birdie boys. Beau “asked” to go outside by biting frantically on his Perspex food bowl. So I went outside to see if it was warm enough. It is. A gorgeous day for my boys. Kermie is soooo happy! He is singing lustily. Beau is happy too. De Mama would be happy too, if she weren’t feeling so weak. But onwards and upwards. Another day in paradise!

30 July 2023

Beauregard is still very weak. We snuggled in bed until after midday. He did another hard little poo this morning. He’s not drinking today, which is a worry.

I will try to get an appointment with AWL tomorrow morning when they re-open at Daisy Hill. I expect the worst outcome but if they are willing to treat him and let me pay it off on a payment plan, I will try to save him.

If I struggle to pay the costs after he’s been treated then I will sell the car. That should cover all the outstanding debts and maybe I will have a few more years with my precious Beauregard.

It’s a beautiful warm sunny winter’s day so we are just enjoying each moment and holding our sacred tryst with this planet. Breathing. Praying. Trusting in the divine judgements.

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Beauregard said “Don’t be a Dick , Mama! Get out of the hot sun which will only escalate your skin cancers!” I said “But Bobo the sun is healing for you and we are happy in the eternal sunshine of the summerlands!” He said “Fuck that…Mama, I’m not dead yet!”

So I made a cup of tea and he grabbed his most favourite possession, his Kong ball, and he went to lie in the shade with dappled sunlight (a compromise!) I have given him a few small chunks of raw mince which he was quite enthusiastic about, but he is still refusing to drink.

He just had a good pee though. So I suppose, just for today we are in a holding pattern until I can access AWL in the morning.

Oh Yayy (1:40 pm) he just had a drink of water. Phew!

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4:18 pm Update on Beauregard: we just had a short walk up to the fringes of the forest on the path behind me. He wanted to walk further but I didn’t want to overwork him. He was happy though. He smelled the smells, peed and scattered dirt everywhere and a few times broke into a trot.

I will still access AWL tomorrow so he can have a check up and hopefully be in their system. But my heart hopes he is recovering all by himself without the need of serious medical intervention.

I will keep praying that he gets well again. He is such a lovely dog and I want him with me for as long as the gods will allow it. Maybe we can throw that gnarly pointed bone of death back to the 7th echelon of hell from whence it sullied forth, scaring everyone out of our wits. Just maybe.

30 July 2022

3:42 am home from a fabulous night out dancing. Now I must transmogrify back to an old lady. I can’t feel my toes and my feet feel like sponges. But it was worth it! I got to see Adam again for the first time in over two years! What a lovely surprise! It was great to dance with my favourite people again!

Sally, Jo and I had a great time too. We danced with a very stylish enigmatic younger man. As soon as he appeared before me, oozing charisma I said to Jo “Finally, this one we can play with!” We danced wildly and graciously, also with another woman.

Zoophonic Blonde were playing and I was disappointed I got there late due to the late parking bs…as I enjoy that band very much. But in true Tanya style, I made the most of it!

There was much joy and love in the Livewire bar tonight. A Gorgeous high vibration. How I like it to be!

But now I must come down after the frenetic dancing and let my body rest!

A big thank you to Sally and Adam for their sweetness and generousity. x It was indeed a magickal night to top off a very busy day. When I arrived at the casino I said to Jo, “I am feeling very mischievous tonight. Platonic mischievous but in a good way”. She laughed cos she knows that means I am ready to go Wild. And so we all did.

It was fantastic.

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8:54 am I just woke up after only 4 hours sleep. It took that long to settle my nervous system after my fabulous day and night, dancing!

The very first thought? “Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind, dancing in the summer lands!” Whatever, psychedelic dreamer, you have watched too many movies and read too many books and now you don’t have an original thought in your head and all your metaphors are mixed.

But it is also a sign of mastery over your own existence that your brain can throw up such sardonic one-liners when it is only just beginning to synapse, even if the metaphors are a mixed bag of enlightenment laced with poetic gnosis.

I looked out my window and the light streaming through all vortices, bouncing off the leaves on all the trees is a sight to behold. A silent streaming only gods can create.

I have gained mastery of my kaleidoscopic (sometimes acopic!) mind. I have inhabited this body beleaguered by chronic illness and travesties and tragedies that would make most people insane and moribund but I have danced myself back to a version of my Self that if not for the wild triumphant Berserker joyous Dance, I would not recognise.

Life is beautiful. Live your best life! Every single day. It’s a gift that only you know how to unravel and delight in!

Share it well, and consciously. I love you!

Grateful happy albeit exhausted Woman here!

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Two women told me last night that I remind them of Magda. I said “Magda Szubanski?” They nodded.

I said “why, because I am fat or because I give zero fucks?” They laughed. “You are not as big as her so it must be the zero fucks”.

The cleaning woman cleaning the ladies bathroom was dying laughing.

I replied slickly “Well Darlings, I will take that as a compliment. Like Magda I have Polish ancestry so yes, we look similar as it’s the big slavic cheekbones and the flat head!”

Honestly drunk people! Besides Magda is highly intelligent and supremely talented, so it really is a huge compliment.

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I just had to block Crystal. The viciousness and lashing out at me because she has covid tells me she is so fucking indoctrinated by this disease du jour that she is now dangerous to maintain in my life.

I will move on. Life will get better. Not being surrounded by vicious Dybbuk ridden enemies using covid as an excuse for abuse will be a good start.

This is the society we allowed to manifest. Poisonous.

When the dust settles and covid dies out or the evil systems that surround it die out I will remember how badly I was maltreated. I have a lonnggg memory.

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30 July 2021

Very weak today. I have had a nice large bowl of pumpkin soup with homemade toast. I walked the dog and bird. Beau insisted on a longer walk through the forest from Carnelian street.

I wanted to go straight home but thought it was unfair that Bobo should be held back by my invalid-ation! So we trawled very slowly and gently. He wanted to smell Everything! It’s been so long since I took him through the back of the forest.

Personally I feel like I am dying and a deep grief has settled inside my chest. I felt dizzy and discombobulated this morning. I tried to make a pair of ebony and pearl earrings but the holes were too narrow in the pearls so had to give up on that idea until I can afford to buy a bead reamer. Last time I just rammed my drill through them. I might just do that again later…if I perk up.

It’s day four since the colonoscopy and the heaviness of having to fight the front reception trolls has not left me.

I feel like life is no longer tenable when there is such utter utter disrespect everywhere.

I hope quite frankly that I die soon. I am quite quite done.

30 July 2020

1:02 am. Loving my quirky old memories that showed up in my timeline tonight.

I am utterly utterly exhausted after a busy frenetic day. I am lying in a hot Epsom salt bath as every inch of me hurts.

I just finished polishing the last of the copper. Everything is shining and smiling. My poor hands, feet and back and legs. I need to win lotto so I can afford servants. It’s all getting too much for me.

I spent the early evening fixing up the chandelier Jarrod hung out under the umbrella tree. It has laid around my house since 2008. Now it’s a garden ornament. Oh well....I still have to put more crystals back on it in daylight tomorrow.

I also tried to clean both brass tables (that support the marble tops) but they didn’t improve much even after hours of painting with rust converter and buffing with a special Polishing thingy on my electric drill which I thought would make the task more efficient but was just as hellish as ever. Then later tonight I tried scrubbing them with the fine steel wool. But no change. They are the way they are now.

My next project is to try to sand all the cracked resin off the marble tops and bring them Back to original condition. I looked at a YouTube video and it looks like another mission improbable. But I have to try as they look fairly awful.

Anyway, my lovely home that some sadistic vile Creep SCHMUCKS think is not good enough for their pure ugliness...is looking quite wonderful.

So yeah anyone who devalues me or my home can just fuck off and keep fucking off.

I might not live in a modern mausoleum but everything in my house and garden is artistic, quirky, whimsical and delightful. I am so happy and grateful to be here, after 17 years.

I never “made it” financially to buy myself a better home but I am satisfied with the little bit I have. That is true success.

Living my wildest dreams even in my poverty while the snobs gnash their teeth in envy. Ironic?! Weird. C’est la vie!

I had a little smile as I was rearranging the crystals on my chandelier in the darkness (the sun had gone down so I was still working by torchlight on my iPhone). I was listening to Toxicity by System of the Down and bobbing my head along to the lyrics.

Some man walked past my house going up Diamond Street. He was laughing at me. I thought ‘well, yeah...It must look Pretty crazy so he can go ahead and laugh’. As if I care what random men in my neighbourhood think of my artistic persuasions.

Tomorrow I will rest. Possibly Friday as well. I have worked on this house relentlessly since April/May. But it is pretty much done. I just need to take some old crappy furniture to the tip.

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I have been watching Homecoming on Amazon Prime. It’s excellent.

30 July 2019

Well after reviewing my memories from today I have had a good laugh. Funny life.

I got woken up at 7 am by the demolishers tearing down the house across the road, 3 doors down. But they seem to have finished all that racket now.

Oh well in a few years I will be surrounded by new modern opulent homes and I will probably still be in my little ghetto housing commission post war cottage outpost. A flying finger to the State and those with monetary success. Hmmm.

As long as I still have my garden and my pets and Sacred Space and my wonderful friends, I won’t mind at all.

I better get out of bed. The lawn mowing man is coming today. I need to move stuff and let Charlie out to play.

I had a lovely time with Jarrod yesterday. It is always good to spend cherished time with my tiny adopted family.

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30 July 2018

12:49 am. Lying in bed, listening to the rain. Lovely. Much needed. But my bones are singing in a strange concert. Also lovely. Where would I be without my body with all its ecstasies and combined grievances? Dead or alive, I will thrive.

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Another bright beautiful Splendiferous morning in Holland Park! Awake in the Dream. Seamlessly pulling together the frayed seams.

Synapses slowly igniting for the residual striking. Brain: check. Heart: checked and overflowing. Feet: cantankerous. Eyes: bit dry and sore but as usual seeing what they want to see while my pineal gland overcompensates for decades of toxification.

My intuition is better attuned now big pharma can no longer slowly kill me. Going down in a blaze of glory (as is my wont!) Berserker Queens must rally their forces of nature and fucking Shine to be Sublime. And shit...

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30 July 2017

I finally went to sleep around 1ish. After only 4 hours sleep the night before. I got 10 hours this time. Feel much better but still a bit woozy. My teeth hurt like hell yesterday but seem a bit better this morning. I woke up at 11.

It's another gorgeous winter day. No rain though. I will have to water my garden.

Charlie is happy to see me. The cats just care about food. All the time. Penny was running amok in the house since 4 am. I even threw her outside for a while. So I was up for about half an hour fussing over gormandising overweight spoiled greedy fur balls. It's a life for De Mama!

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I just had a lovely walk in the forest with Charlie (kiss and shit/shit and kiss all day long). We stopped at the small dog park so I could give Charlie a drink and wash his yellow streaking bird shit off my arms and shoulders. Oh the joys of Rainbow Lorikeet Motherhood!

Beau played ball happily until some puppies came along. I quickly leashed him but he liked the first puppy but got nasty with the second puppy (a cavalier King Charles). So off we went to finish our walk in the forest.

On the return journey I got pooped on some more. I had to have another wash when we got home.

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I made a Baked Custard for dinner. It was delicious. I ate it all. Now I am craving Hot chips. Must be the salt. Dammit!

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30 July 2016

I had a wonderful night dancing. Marred only by the man I love, staring from the opposite side of the room with a woman in tow. 3 years of his stupid inane mindfucks. I have prayed to G-D and my Angels to bring me into perfect alignment. To allow me true love and joy in the remains of my life.

Stage one: they brought my dead bastard ex to my door, the energy Vampyre could not enter my home but he banged my door down, knock knocking on heaven's door as he knew he could not leave without my closure. Weird shit.

Stage 2: Now this one. Stands idly by, smug, cruel tormentor. I keep my poker face. He will never know how much he hurts me.

I have become an expert (after David Davidson days! Another sociopath!) of never showing these weak spiteful malicious men how much they hurt me. They crawl like leeches under my skin but I can extricate them. I am a beautiful powerful decent woman who deserves to be truly loved by someone kind, real and decent.

Stage 3: the letting go! This has been my block and the source of so much pain and confusion. But I have started to heal. To see things as they are. To finally admit to myself that I loved the wrong man (again!) and that held me back from full actualisation.

No regrets. Being in love Brought me back to life. A kiss from a cold prince of winter's discontent but fuelled me with enough hope and desire to keep living.

I lost so very much but I gained too. I learned to keep Love alive in my heart and soul. Just enough to keep me going. Just for today.

He could not rob me of what is truly mine. My heart. My soul. Better men have tried and failed. Best they could do was beat down my door as an unholy unwelcome ghost. Compared to that, this man has no chance. Lmao!!!!

I had to go past him and his new gf en route to the bathroom. I treated him like he was invisible. He is nothing and no one. I will never acknowledge him again.

He has played me for 3 years. But only because I refused to give up on hope and love. I hope he got something out of my suffering. He has fed from my heart connection long enough. Now I am free of his pathetic bullshit. I will unleash the Leech.

I have beautiful genuine friends in my life. He is a ghost! Ghost of a Brisbane Ladies Man. Haha! Living dead doll with a wig.

The hardest part was watching his cronies also watching me, hoping like the creeps they are, that I would react or cause a scene. Nuh uh fools. The Tanya will not play your infantile games. She rises and shines.

It took a long time for me to let go but at last I am Done. He can only watch me fly now. I was never going to be a creature of mundane submission for him anyway.

The only way to win the game (of a psychopath or Narcopath) is NOT to play. Then they turn on themselves when they have no one left to feed upon. It is always interesting to watch them quickly devolve and dissemble.

But I have no time for that. I will not look back like Lot's wife. But forward.

Life has not been kind but I have been put on this earth for a reason. I may be denied a love/life partner. Over and over and over again, but I have a purpose that is yet to be revealed to me.

Perhaps to show others that it is okay to walk this world, without a romantic partner. Without liars/cheats/psychic vampires/abusers. Freedom! Happiness! Created for myself, by myself. My bride price is no longer $20.

It is far beyond rubies, titanium. Invincible. Irrepressible. Eternal.

Thank you G-D and the Angels. You really honour me, even if it hurts like Hades, it is for my Highest Blessing.

For how could I bless others if I have not paid the ultimate price. Grief falls away like a cast-off skin. It no longer serves any purpose.

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I took that four-legged Heathen Brat-child to the dog park. But he was nasty to another puppy. The stupid jerk! So I took him away right away and for a walk around the block. Then back home. I am eating Semolina and he has had his dog food. Precious few hours left with De Mama before she transforms into a goddess of Brisbane CBD nightlife again!

I am exhausted but I am meeting Jo tonight for more epic dancing. I might try to take things easy tonight. Too much frenetic dancing last night. But fun!

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I am suffused with a bliss that comes from falling off the edge of my known world, reclaiming my sweetness that was smothered out of me and celebrating my Wild Woman.

I don't know where I am going, but I know where I have been and where I no longer want to be. The love that poured out of me like spilt milk for lactose intolerant kittens is cascading like an eternal fountain of joy light and peace.

What was not wanted shall remain a joyous gift of the senses and of spirit. I am merely a channel. I can't keep it bottled up inside. Love must be shared. Inspired. Blessed. Ennobled. Celebrated. Held and released. Not mine to keep greedily for myself.

I can only keep flowing. He tried to dam it but it is a wild free creature of immense power. It will not stay harnessed for long. That is just how I roll.

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30 July 2015

Gut-wrenching grief. Yup he did it again. Kicked me when I am down. Fucking Over It.

From now on he will be treated like the ugly-hearted spook he really is. If he turns up, I will look through him like he doesn't exist. It will hurt but time always heals me.

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Trigger warning: violence, homicidal ideations (righteously so), racism, misogyny, child sexual abuse, sub-cultural interactions

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Crystal wants me to channel my rage, pain, abandonment and constant fucking rejection into a book.

So here it is. Succinctly. I was born to arseholes who taught me fucked up things about love, and abused me my whole life.

I married young as I thought being a nice respectable Jewish woman would give me a safe loving family and community. Epic fail. Culminating in me being falsely accused of being a Nazi due to be being born to a german.

Then after I won that fight, I ultimately left my emotionally abusive husband and got once again trashed by my community. Then after years of being strangled and abused by several Israeli bfs, I shut myself away from life for about 10 years.

Completely celibate. Completely dead inside. Then I grabbed at love again. With an alcoholic drug addict who is incapable of loving anyone.

In the end one of his pathetic wannabe Neo-Nazi mates threatened to kill me with a stupid samurai sword ornament bullshit thingy hanging above his head. For the first time in many years I felt a little homicidal. Like we eye-balled each other. Jew across from a Nazi. Wtf?! In this day and age?!

I knew if I bolted over his ugly ranga head I would have that sword before him. I mean really, the fucking Moron was too stoned to organize a shit. But I was Crystal Clear and Sober. Interestingly, Courtenay talked me down.

I walked out of Skatie's house. Told Courtenay, that cunt is lucky to be alive. I never wanted to kill anyone as bad as I do right now. Courtenay said I know. I drove home. Shattered with fury. Courtenay chose his druggie mates over me. How did I respond?

It took me a year. Then I walked into an "outlaw" motorcycle clubhouse. Off the street. No invites. Just me with my fucked up personality and my attitude and my scintillating sense of humour.

The opposition of Courtenay's little associates. He shat himself when I told him. Even more when he realised they made me welcome and the president thought I was awesome.

Don't worry I spent 8 months talking, drinking and playing pool. The President said he wouldn't let any of his men date me. They weren't good enough for me!

He protected me the whole time. I was starting to think I wasn't attractive. Lmao! That man loved me as a true friend.

We shared a bond. Both my stepfather, Cees Van Der Greft and his father were in concentration camps. That shit does major damage to us kids. We inherit their trauma.

I bet his Dad wasn't a paedophile though. He said he was a hard man but a good one. Lucky for him! I have met few truly good men in my whole life.

I still haven't killed anyone. I am actually a decent person. It is not serving me well.

I spoke to my shrink about the defamation case. He says the guy is exposing himself as a paedophile by continuing to harass me with this bogus shit. How many times can I tell that Fuck I never publicly defamed him?

My opinion of him is private. He is just another control freak bully thinks he can do whatever he wants to people.

Well I say No! He wants his day in court so he can scream his innocence and make me out to be the bad guy. It seems he Doth protest too much.

I was not even his accuser.

30 July 2014

Got up early today. 3.30 pm. Woot! Mood..indeterminate. Ranging from tired/depressed to vaguely interested in the world to outrage at some awful shit I have seen on Facebook. Luckily there were some Happyisms to balance out the painful shit.

I have been out in the garden with the cats and chooks for some Vitamin D. Now to occupy my heart mind and soul for the rest of my night.

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Emptied sludgy back fish pond. There are less fish in there than I remembered. Must be being picked off by birds which is a neat trick as I have steel mesh over it. Hmmm!

Anyway I can see them and count them now. It got very cold very quick as night fell while I was out bucketing the pond in barefeet and arms. Double hmmm!

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Home again dumtitty dum! What to do now? Back to sleep I guess. I don't like this mood!

30 July 2013

I wish I could change my relationship status to happily cohabiting with a guy named Awesome! I got a little depressed about this...then I realised I live with Awesome everyday, me, myself and I and the New World Leader Pomeranian Miss Bella Rosa and a mad old drooly Cat named Zulu and Penny, the most affectionately territorial puss who gives wonderful Welcomes and Send offs to all whom enter our domain.

Then there are the three hens, all fantastic little bundles of awesome and many fish. Where would a man fit into this perfect picture of Harmony and Contentment? No room on the bed!

Update 2022: Lmao, plus ça change plus c’est la meme chose! (Or summat lak’ tha’)!

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Slept a lot today. So I went to GP this evening. Gotta have a blood test. Gail says it's my depression and that I have hit the wall. Quite possible. Been a stressful year. Guess it won't hurt to sleep more and slip slide away. As long as I keep dancing once a week. So I stay fit and have some semblance of a fun life.

30 July 2012

If you look at my profile picture you can see not much has changed in 43 years. Still smiling, still waiting for Godot and my loving future partner and still throwing my hands up in the air flauting the Mystery of Me! Oh yeah, and I wants my money to go with my Precioussssssss too!

Don't mind me. I am currently nursing or brewing another nervous breakdown. If I take appropriate action NOW it will just be shrugged off as an extended Hissy Fit and if I leave to moulder it could become Category 5 Blow out. Either way it's All Good :-)

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30 July 2011

visiting Gail, drinking red wine and watching Tayhlia play Nintendo DSL. We all had a lovely walk at Sherwood Arboretum. Miss Bella was most impressed but we didn't see Robin Hood or Maid Marion.

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I'm astonishingly depressed about the eharmony free weekend, but I blew any chances of attraction outta the water in my usual Charismatic style by asking for Bikers or men with Harleys and then announcing that I am an Anarchist and a Revolutionary at heart, a Deep Thinker, Not your Average woman and not a Wilting Violet. LMAO I adore how I awesomely Self-Sabotage!

The upside of this will naturally be that any serious Punters who get past my Sabra persona and actually nibble at my bait, must be made of pretty interesting stuff, so I'm looking forward to seeing the INCOMING results (If Any!) I also put no Racists or Gronks, so there goes about 99 per cent of my Biker Fraternity.

Schmeh. NEXT Fun thing to occupy my bored, stagnated Mind and Devolvular Love LIFE. Guess there's the Sex Shops to get my head around. But If I ever go into one and actually work out what stuff is for, I may never want a live man again!

Speaking of LIVE men, it's not the Men in my LIFE that count, it's the LIFE in my men. Methinks I've been in relationships with too many deadly boring men so I really really want a LIVE one next time. Should I put that on my Profile? NO Zombies or boring ShadowMen allowed!

Abilify was so good for dumbing my senses so I felt just as dead as my men...now I'm awake, alert and fully present, I want a live one! Captured Alive, not Dead, and ready and willing to spend lots of time with me, which means the poor bastards have to at least LIKE me, my personality and other important lifestyle choices!

I'm in LOVE with Eric Northman! Now where on earth will I find a True Viking with Passion, style, grace and devotion like that Vampire! Maybe I should move to Scandinavia where real Viking descendants still thrive.

I miss my Viking. Pity he didn't integrate his Vikingness or we would have had a fantastic time! Oh well, moving on, where was I? Oh yes, sexy smouldering cool and ardent virile men from Scandinavia. How scandalous!

Update 2022: Lmao.. the Tanya, the sexy cynical Celibate used to be funny when she “fancied her chances”.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons