Memories: 3 April 2025

3 April 2025

7:23 am. Awake and aware. The sun is coming out but it must have been raining throughout the night. Still, it looks promising. I am slowly feeling better although I was up twice during the night.

I am still disappointed in my failure to solder the bezel strips but I will try again.

I debriefed with my psychiatrist yesterday. I told him about my anxiety and anticipation about turning 60. How I have been very mood disordered, one minute excited about my future, the next terrified. Fearing older age, alone and vulnerable. The next fiercely proud of my power and my autonomous lifestyle.

But I told him it was prophesied that I would be happy and successful when I was 60 (about 30 years ago!) and I always thought that was nonsense, that I wouldn’t be alive at 60!

Yet here we are…slipping fourth base into 60! Astonishing. My beautiful doctor told me he is so happy to have been on this journey with me for the past 141/2 years…watching me grow older, wiser, and survive everything that was thrown at me. He said “Your success is your happiness, Tanya”. I nodded.

It’s been hardwon but I am happy, in many ways. I am grateful for my little community, for my doctor, for my friends. For Life itself. Even though life led me a merry, tenuous, snaking, electrifying dance. She kept me here for some reason. I know, it will all make sense in the end.

3 April 2023

Today has been a lovely day, filled with love from friends. Then this afternoon…I received the news that Malka Leifer has been found guilty on 18 counts of rape of Dassi Erlich. I have been following this case for years.

Good news at last that justice is about to be served. (She is yet to be sentenced for her crimes against Dassi and her two sisters. ) Now may the healing for these three women begin…it’s been held back long enough by the malfeasances of the Adass Israel community.

Justice…justice…shall you pursue!

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Thank you Mama Sally and Peter for the delicious NZ chocolates!!!

For my Aussie friends…when I quip sardonically “go to the top of your class and here’s a chocolate fish!” It’s a prize we were given as children in school for doing something extraordinary. Like the highest marks/grades or some sporting achievement.

So now you know. These are real chocolate fish, filled with marshmallow. Sally always spoils me with homegrown treats!

I am grateful for my heartfelt loving generous beautiful friends. All of you. Even ones I have never met in real Life as you live in other parts of the planet.

But together we co-create a bright and beautiful world with our various gifts and talents.

Love you!

Oh and Bobo fell instantly madly in love with Peter. Which was delightful!

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So my brakes are starting to shudder a lot, as I discovered in driving to and from West End last night. So I will need to stop driving until I can get it repaired after my Centrelink advance comes through Mid-May.

My mechanic said it would need repairing by March so I have done well, barely going anywhere, by nursing it along until early April.

I have a hair appointment tomorrow so will probably need to take the train, as I am nervous about the front brakes failing on me.

He lives and works from home on the Northside of Brisbane so I hope I can get my car there safely, for repairs.

Living the dream… as always 🙂. But I have managed without a car before so it’s not the end of the world. I hardly use it anyway, except to buy groceries or drive to the city for my weekly frenzied Berserker wild dancing.

So I will be channeling all my energy into living quietly and graciously for the next 6-8 weeks until I can repair the car.

On a happy positive note: I just had a wonderful chat with Emily Benoist Ruffin who shared information with me about the FODMAP diet to aid in my digestion issues. She even taught me how to make a paste with onions and garlic by boiling them down in chicken stock in a pot for several days (simmering and adding water when it gets too salty) and putting them through cheesecloth, which removes all the toxic fibres but after which, you still get the concentrated flavours of onion and Garlic in your meals. Without the reflux, diarrhoea and pain.

I am so grateful to have met this wonderful woman who shares not just her jewellery making skills but also her food allergy journey with me.

Life is so Magickal. “When the student is ready, the teachers will come!” Also in Kabbalah…”to learn is to teach, to teach is to learn”!

3 April 2022

Hah! I just tried to buy a new iphone with Optus. I have been a loyal customer since 1994. The rep insisted I have to pay by direct debit. I said I hate direct debit. Now they try to control how you pay for your service and phones. (As well as upsell you or rip you off!)

The mantra of Globalism “you will own nothing and be happy!”

I am seriously considering cancelling everything. My internet, tv and phone. Go completely off grid.

Everything is so expensive including barest survival items like food and electricity and gas. We are being squeezed out of Life.

I already feel dreadfully unwell and I can’t bear to waste more money or time on all this evil bs!

Meanwhile I will have to look for other options for my phone (if I choose to keep one!)

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Now on top of everything else my Home button won’t work on my iPhone so it’s no longer useable. So I am up for a new iPhone. I have dragged this one out as long as I possibly could. Sigh!

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Still weak and ill today. I now have aches in my legs and back and my tummy is still upset. But! I have sprayed magnesium oil on the aching legs and am sitting outside playing loud music to blast out the sickness and negativity from the house.

It’s a beautiful day. I should go back to the beach as it was so stunningly beautiful yesterday. But best I stay near my commode methinks. Lol!

Bobo seems much better thank god.

3 April 2021

Well blimey...my Seder plate just sold. How extraordinary! Losing my religion might be lucrative....not! Only put $40 on it.

If my shofar sells I will faint!

Even more bizarrely it’s selling on the Shabbat! (Jews don’t take money or do business on the sabbath!) perhaps it’s someone buying it for their adult kid?

Anyway I am happy it’s going to a home where it might get used every Pesach. I haven’t held a Seder dinner in about 15 or more years.

If I gather up my former religiosity again...and have enough money...I will buy myself a lovely glass Seder plate from Nahariya in Israel.

But my last 15 Seders have been lonely affairs. My nephew talked about having a Seder with me but his kids are Moslem and after Bobo bit little Isaac at Chanukah, I have not heard from them again.

Awful! All of it!

I will leave it up to the spirit world and universal consciousness to honour, protect and defend me. (As I have always had to gift that much to myself..a lone warrior goddess in the darkest of nights and most searing brightest of days...dazzling and sparkling in my phosphorescence, shriven and shrunken but not yet...sunken...motherfuckersss)

Judaism has not been a path of kindness for me (except for a few rare birds who were/ are decent) the rest treated me with utter contempt and disdain.

I still am furious about John Skala laughing in my face after I told the meeting about my sexually predatory concentration camp surviving de facto stepfather to remind them that the new Holocaust centre needs to honour all survivors including Intergenerational rape/molestation and other abuse survivors of actual Camp survivors.

Then Berkovits humiliated me about my beautiful ($4) shoes. Why? ...I am unfuckwithable and it drives them mad with the desire to conquer and debase me.

The envy and enmity and callow lack of any shred of human decency finally sent home to me. Those people are not my people. Brisbane Jewry is led by defective, ignoble, corrupt and perverted GIMPS!

And I have divested myself of my religion ...but never my G-d or His majestic manifestations of Love and Light that come to me in my darkest tribulations and sit with me and hold me precious as so few, so few including my filthy family of origin were willing or able to do.

Sooo...next year in Jerusalem. The city of Gold. The city of angels. The city of conquest and rebuke and Dybbukkim from All shades of religious orders.

I await your holy dust on my grave...but now...I will kiss even that...goodbye. Shalom! l’hitraot!

Someone in Jerusalem send me some grave dirt so I can wear it around my neck in a vial...And laugh...

3 April 2020

11:11pm make a wish xxx

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I just finished Ecstatic Dance on Zoom with Adrian and Monica Mornay. I had a great time dancing in my living room and Bobo got to dance with me (briefly -when he wasn’t freaking out about his ball!

It was lovely to see the rest of our dancing “tribe” dancing joyously. Thanks guys and gals xxx

3 April 2019

NBN got installed today. It was a bit of a nightmare as I had to call Optus to get my Fetch tv working again and the internet. But finally I have it all reconfigured now.

3 April 2017

3 April 2016

I have lost my bronze torc. It might be in the grass somewhere. I hope it turns up. It is the Celtic symbol of a warrior and I feel naked without it. The gold torc my sister gave me years ago broke several years ago so I kept wearing the bronze one instead.

I guess I will buy a wolf torc from Crafty Celts if my one doesn't turn up. Not willing to 'lay down my sword' just yet. Or ever! Once a warrior always a warrior. Even if we learn to become enlightened Peaceful Warriors. Magic Happens!

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Bobo peed on the couch on my mohair throw my sister gave me years ago and the crocheted rug. Some leaked into the couch even though I reacted like a bolt of lightning and threw him outside.

I just caught him chewing the wool out of my mother's ancient (from 1972) hand-tooled rug. He already destroyed an old one I had in my bedroom which I had to throw in the compost.

So I am not amused. Especially as he has a bone right next to the rug. He is being an epic brat!

So the last hour has been busy. Cleaning the couch, throwing the blankets in the washing machine on wool cycle and trying to train him out of chewing my rug any further. It is a nice one and kinda sentimental. Grrr!

Talk about a carpet muncher!

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4.16 pm just woke up. I got up at 10 am to let Bobo out and took my tablets and went right back to bed. I slept all day with crazy dreams about fishponds, living in an opulent mansion and swimming naked in its pool.

Also a sci fi nightmare about aliens turning us into zombies and herding us into an invisible concentration camp that blitzed us if we tried to escape. But we started coming back to life so they sent drones down to try to control us. It was very interesting.

I stayed in that dream as long as possible as it was stressful as I was one of the Awake Ones and was trying to help people realise we had to find a way to band together to fight back. Dodging behind buildings, gathering other survivors and watching people vanish into thin air after being caught in drone laser beams was scary.

I wanted to see if we survived. No answer to that one...yet. I suspect it will be one of my mini-series dreams that shows me in bits and pieces. Also I really have absorbed way too much popular culture! TV, movies, DVDs.

My brain is saturated with images and fear and negative programming and really, after spending life as a zombie, I truly am alive now - which brings its own anxieties.

Exhaustion from trying to get up to speed with the rest of the world, being too old and too broke to achieve much, dealing with loss and rejection and abandonment. Re-living the past in dream-state as if it weren't a burden to be re-living it in waking times too.

Trying to figure out how I am ever going to thrive in a world that rejects the damaged and insane. Etc. Anyhow. Happy thoughts!

My childhood friend Margaret and her partner Nathan and her son, Neo are coming to visit me on my birthday. I haven't seen her since my one trip to the Blue Mountains in 2013.

So I am really looking forward to seeing them all!

3 April 2014

I am not feeling well. Damn it. Yesterday I was crook too. I hope I feel better by my birthday. I am broke too. Grrr.

Crazy manifesting needed. But not today. My guts aches.

3 April 2011

I've been horribly depressed for last 2 days, after my strange heart chakra surging. Oh well, what goes up must come down. I spent this afternoon paving my backyard seating area with the free pavers I got from Annette and that Lyn and Peter were so kind to deliver to me.

It looks really nice! I also pruned back the strawberry guava tree as it has finished fruiting.

3 April 2009

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I woke up today at 2 pm. I wonder why I can't seem to wake up at reasonably normal hours...last night I slept for 14 hours apart from the 5 am wakeup call to let the dog out to pee. I have to get up early tomorrow for shul…hope I wake up!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons