Memories: 26 August 2025

26 August 2025

7:19 am another clear and crisp morning. It feels almost crunchy like peanut brittle. What surprises or gifts or epiphanies does this day hold for me? I sense a shift coming. Something or someone courageous, noble and quite wonderful.

In a world of zombified atrophied fake lacklustre colourless pissweak fops we seek heroes and heroines and we carefully nurture a new story. Spring is here, uncoiling its joy and delight, its aromatic olfactory bliss bombs of purifying sensations after a long cold winter.

There will be mischief, magic and wild imaginings. Tender tendrils of long buried, long betrayed passions cautiously growing towards the light, redolent and resonant with the blossoming.

Blossoms gathered on my hair, Fibonacci unfurling from head to toes, healing the sadism of weak men and their stymied crushed and ground under women. We are but dust and to dust we return. But some of us build entire civilisations from the ground up dust.

Some of us create diamonds that glisten and shine, whetted and cut and faceted just the right way to take your breath away…then thrown into the furnace of your own hate and putrescence. A worthless trinket that only holds value for as long as the love is true.

I cupped a chalice of your sweet love and attention. I furnished it, blew life into it. Created from the delusion and illusion of your fakery, a beautiful cup made of porcelain and light and held it up for all to see. The holy grail. The desire. The yearning.

Then you killed it so I placed it in my secret cave, polished it with my own body. Shone it bright. I sang life in it again. Not for you…but for me. It’s flying to us. 3I-atlas. Gathering stardust and matter on a trajectory amongst the stars. Watch it come…watch it go. Laugh.

Only one currency in the cosmos. Love. Ridiculous, innit. Our time on earth is so precious and so limited and then we let the loveless tear our wings and feast on our souls as though this is how to live. Some kind of prize. What???!!!!

So today I begin a new love story. I will hold true to my own heart, corazon. I will create with words and deeds my beautiful life that I allowed to be despoiled by others who did not have the courage or decency, the heart or soul to hold me precious. Who thought they could destroy me with their mother hydra entropy.

I will watch them wither and fall away. Their time has come. I too, shall walk into death’s maw, at a time appointed by the gods. But along that long red road, there will be power manifestions of such magick and awe and I will leave here…ennobled, blessed and grateful for everything, and everyone.

For a life well lived, even in the bowels of Brisbane’s destructive perverted inverted leylines. A city of death. A city of traitors. So pretty, so aromatic, so sunny. Like a smiling ghoul it lies to us all. But when you know…you know. 🙂 shalom! End of Transmission.

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Scrub Turkey is owning Sacred Space. He’s been pesky the past few days. But now…he’s on top of the world.

26 August 2023

2:35 am I had a great night out at Brooklyn Standard. It was good to dance to Alter Egos harder rock covers. No more shitty vapid “cruiseship entertainment” with cocoon at the casino!

The only weird thing was finding myself dancing most of the night near a cousin of an ex lover of mine. Not to worry, although he deliberately brushed up against me a few times and gave me weird shy smiles, he didn’t engage.

Then right at the end of the night I broke my beautiful skull and tree of life necklace. So I was scrabbling on the carpet trying to gather up all my pearls. I hope I got both amethyst skulls back as they will be hard to replace. FML.

Trust me to wear my full regalia! That necklace has held up for about two years. I had a feeling it might break tonight! I will try restringing it with beading cotton next time. Knot each bead. Make it harder to break.

Some inordinately young man was flirting with me shamelessly too. I told him he just took 30 years off my life. Little bugger. But it was all good nonsensical fun.

I managed to walk to George Street just in the nick of time to catch my bus home. So here I am, frantically typing on the bus, feeling joyous and triumphant.

Bregje Tit:And that's exactly how you look, joyous an triumphant (and vibrant, indeed 30 yrs off!!). I see meaning between two events you mention: meeting that cousin of ex-lover, and your necklace breaking. Actually very symbolic that that 'tie is really broken', I think you are happy with that! So now you can make a new one, which can symbolize new and better ties! 😊💕

Me: It’s been an intensely interesting week: the visit to Maiala, the poetry reading, the wild night of dancing at Brooklyn Standard. Friday was a day I was soaked in so much love. Lots of masculine energy.

My neighbour Peter visited with Koko just as I was leaving to go buy groceries, then a visit from a teenage boy who lives a block away. He often used to stopped by to say hello during the worst of Covid. I hadn’t seen him for a long while.

He is very bright and is half Dutch and half Irish. His mother died when he was very young and he has triplet sisters, also in their early teens.

Then a parcel arrived from Temu and the young delivery man was very sweet and too terrified to enter my gates so kept yelling out for me. I eventually realised he was calling me, so went to my gate.

He said he feared my dog. I told him my dog would only have licked his face. But he is dead now and in heaven. The young man almost burst into tears with upset and possibly relief that my dog is no more.

I told him he need never fear coming to my home: it is Sacred Space. He looked askance and scurried to his vehicle. But he was a sweet man offering his condolences.

Then the wild dancing happened and the cousin was so determined to stay in my energy, but in a non-threatening way. It was weird as we are not exactly friends but it felt comforting also. Like he was watching over me. I dunno.

I loved his cousin too much. Even I admit it was insane. All of it was insane and I was treated very badly, not just by him but by all the men I had ever had sexual relations with. Which is why I reverted to my asexual celibacy and grew my female power back.

My beautiful friend in Alter Egos and I were blowing kisses to each other at one point. It was so delightfully sweet. And grounding!

The cousin was watching with a look of awe as he has not witnessed our affection for each other before. I had to giggle to myself that that will go straight back.

But yes ultimately that love has never died. But I know it was never going to go anywhere. Too many cruel sadistic emotional games were played.

So I soak myself in my Platonic genuine heartfelt loves: my friends, Charley, the gods, nature: all that is soul nourishing, comforting, deeply loyal, and faithful.

There was a lot of love in That club on Friday night/saturday morning. There were a few vicious venal people too, but in typical Tanya-style I rose above it.

But the love and unexpected kindness and attention from the ex lover’s cousin was surprising and a sign that yes, my heart has been acknowledged even if not well received.

My heart has left a mark on other hearts: still recalibrating from their own traumas. Still finding their own unique way on this planet. And sometimes those wild broken hellridden hearts still find their way to me to bear witness, even if not yet to integrate.

I will re-make my necklace, as I have too often had to rebuild my own heart with spiritual gold and illusory promises of a life partner who genuinely honours me and welcomes me into his life and upholds me.

The ties are not broken. Only the fantasies that Love would find me and bring me Home without abuse or entrapment. But with authentic tenderness and care.

By the way I think I have definitely broken my neck. My thick stoic Slavic neck. My head might fall off. Lol. I have lost my head for lesser mortals. But I have enjoyed my wild dancing.

So there is that.

Time to get old and retire….lest I end up the headless horse woman bansheeing down Brisbane.

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Yayy I have them both. I never realised that one is slightly smaller than the other. Oh well, at least they don’t scream. Lol

26 August 2022

Trigger warning: human sexuality and shenanigans in my usual dance space.

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I can’t access youtube without my iphone either. Had to resort to reading a book today Day One of telecommunications issues lol omggggggg.

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Now my laptop keyboard is malfunctioning (also the spare keyboard)…some dark demon wants me offgrid lol

From the comment section:

Laura Martin: I bet it's that crazy big black woman with the black mask! She's a real scallywag, that one! 😯

Me: There was definitely a "movement in the Force" which I will strive to write about today. Oh my. Several layers of crazy but I can see without any doubt that my prayers and manifestions for a true love partner are being answered in the most astonishing way.

I came home alone with my dignity still intact but only just...a most ardent suitor was dancing with me at 2 am. He was born and raised in England but half german (german mother) which weirded me out and triggered me slightly and I was getting accustomed to that idea, when he expressed great admiration for my intelligence and stated I was the most interesting woman he had met in years as I mentioned in passing Berthold Brecht and the Three Penny Opera as I said I felt like the Queen of the Beggars at the casino..lol (more like a highly adaptive psych nurse demon on the fly as it was insanely intense last night).

Anyway the english German (anglo saxon) tried to put his hands down the back of my skirt into my panties so I told him if he tried that again I would break every bone in his hand and he'd never wank again LOL

This still did not seem to deter him and he was rather good looking although I told him honestly that I am asexual and completely done with the all the horseshit, so not likely to take him home.

But earlier in the evening a very sexy Irishman, who was very tall, asked to sit down near me and oh my, Laura I had pheromones come alive that I have not known were still in me since 2015.

Gosh, he was gorgeous but the big hulking Irishman was intimidated by my feminine powers so he left quickly, but not without telling me I am beautiful which I thought was delightful and courtly!

So the universe in Her Whimsical way is showing me potential partners or the fact that I may be ready to finally…after over 7 years…to accept someone as a sexual partner again. My mind is a bit blown actually... the 'anglo saxon' might have won my very tightly wound flower except for getting too handsy.

I told him he could at least woo me or, ahem take me out for dinner or you know date me but alas another brutish lout. All the men in the casino (including the security) were watching me in amazement as I rarely engage with any of the men so it was a bit out of my comfort zone. But anyway I had an incredibly weird but amazing time.

The Englander was a tad interesting as I told him I am batshit crazy to try to put him off (this patter usually works quite well for me) but he replied that I didn't seem crazy at all, but actually was intelligent. So I replied "Ah I see you saw through my usual patter or attempts to put men off..." I giggled and said "As for my intelligence, it is both a blessing and a curse".

Anyway I think he was 'wised up' by someone who knows me as he seemed a tad to unflappable. When I told him he was not to molest me he said he didn't usually behave that way and I just smirked. Jesus...men. They kind of sicken and intrigue me at the same time, sometimes.

Anyhoo there was a bit of a scene earlier in the evening. This tall bikie chick or ex stripper or whore or whatever...I try not judge but she was not wearing knickers and she was dancing with an asian woman who was pulling her mini skirt up deliberately, while they were dancing. Ew!

So I look up at the maori saxophonist in the band and I wince and roll my eyes and he mirrored me....next thing I know, the tall blonde without underwear sits on the stage in front of him and next to me, and the asian woman moves in on her and starts trying to open her legs to expose the blonde’s privates.

I fly into an immediate rage because it's gone beyond two women role-playing some lesbian fetish, to an actual sexual assault (or bordering on it). I dont want to watch two women behave like that on the fucking dance floor.

I mean, if blondie was wearing knickers, no harm no foul but that was deliberate on the part of the asian woman and just nasty. Blondie is so drunk she can barely sit back up when I yelled "That is Enough, stop it right now".

So anyway security comes running at the back of the club and marks me and I wriggle my finger at him to come over as it's getting out of hand, and he nods…so blondie got kicked out when really that vicious asian woman should have gone for trying to pull her legs apart to expose her.

Just gross! Anyway apart from that trashy performance, the weirdness kept building but I rose above it although just before I finished my dancing, I accidentally swung my bag around and it whipped this guy who has been hanging around my aura the last few weekends (two weeks ago) so I yell out "Oh I am terribly sorry” as the bag has fringes and it would have potentially hurt him but in full mischief, I said “Let me make it up to you” so I grabbed his arm and pretended to hump him.

It was hilarious ....everyone laughed at my antics...so I decided it was time to leave as I was utterly exhausted and the men were moving in, in packs hoping to get sex out of someone (not me....I am not sure anymore why I am still asexual...)

It's time to hang up my prissy boots...but bejayus, that was not the way to seduce me by trying to molest me on the dance floor and I was already trauma activated from the bs earlier (and that was between women!)

PS my keyboard let me type all that after it froze so I dunno what is happening but like everything, I will fight my way through it. I am looking forward to my new iphone arriving though.

I feel vulnerable without my phone and my connectivity and this would have been uploaded as one of my weird youtube videos where I deconstruct my life.....breaker breaker bzzzzt we are going down....lol

Oh, and the lovely saxophanist waved me a cheery goodbye when the band finished for the night and he was really sweet and I think he was happy I resolved our little problem too. arggggghhhhhh.

By the way, there was a black woman dancing near me towards the end of the night, but she wasn't crazy, but really wild and I told her she was adorable and sexy and delightful and she was dancing wildly with this latino guy who is a regular (I think he's Colombian) so I asked him if he needs saving to let me know and he just grinned.

I kinda needed saving from Tom the englishman but said so out loud to his face in German. lol He just laughed...it was an intense sexual energy in the place last night. Palpable. You could almost taste it. ahem.

I went home and thought "What the fuck was that?" but decided that this happens from time to time and it is not necessarily a bad thing.....as long as everyone keeps their pants on until later...lol .

Spring has definitely Sprung but by the gods I wish things had worked out with Dave, as although he is as boring and staid as a day old english mcmuffin as least he was not ever creepy or handsy with me in public but for that I had Marco with his intense Italian stallion passion back in the day.

So I am guessing I will need to find someone as sweet and respectful as that sexy irishman last night but not as terrified of me...oh well...the quest for True Loyal, Romantic but not too predatory Love continues....

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26 August 2021

I finally finished carding all the wool fleeces early this morning at 2 am! Woohooo! Next project will be learning how to spin the wool.

I still have three decoupage cases to finish off on my lounge floor so I will focus my energies on getting them finished. Then finish painting the little black bookshelves with Beauregard painted on them. I intend to paint Socks on the right hand side.

Once these four items are completed…I will have my living room floor space back and sit in my lounge like a normal person again. 🙂

I started the three cases in January 2020 so it’s high time they got completed and put to good use.

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The Tanya is happy, grateful and satisfied that after almost two weeks of wrangling with technology…arggghhhh… She now has a new Fetch box and has it fully installed and activated.

So there is continued mind-melding and spacebanditting with tv for my bumholey!

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26 August 2020

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Jarrod, Crystal and I are going on an adventure to Mt Tambourine. Woohoo!

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From a comment on a meme a year ago. Still Holds true!:

Where was I when the earth burned? Right here burning my own heart because I wanted a love partner, someone to hold me and love me and keep me precious and safe. To respect me and care for me and honour me.

I burned and burned with a fire to have romantic passionate love and every time I was scorched by Fools who devalued and betrayed me.

I turned to ash and dust but in G-d I trust and even He was looking Busyyy. So I cut deep into my own soul and reclaimed my own warrior goddess and I loved her, the child that no one truly cared for or respected enough to protect went out into the world and danced and fought hard for herself.

The Woman-Child wrote petitions and commentary on social media, advocated for herself and other survivors of child sexual Abuse. For which, her voice gaining power and momentum, she was threatened with defamation by enablers of our homegrown abusers. So she tried to kill herself as the world is burning but it must regenerate again. A new paradigm. A kind one. A newly purged and resurged earth.

A woman who walked with death and still gave life to her hopes and dreams for a better existence.

But now the Amazon is burning and my guts is still churning and every day we burn in our light that we shine for justice and a new way of life on this planet.

Perhaps that is why no mortal man is permitted to be my consort. They can not be trusted to love me enough to keep me safe and my advocacy and my magic is not for everyone.

Someone Out There hears my prayers and let’s me burn bright like Space Junk shattered by a meteor. Sparkling into the Void. Shedding and shredding that which no longer serves. Nature vs Nurture.

I have been tortured enough in this life. Wanting only to be loved and treated with honour and integrity.

But here...it’s burning. All of it. My spirit, my heart and the earth I love so much. We were not wanted in our pristine state. We were used and abused. Now we are not amused.

Where was I? - fractalised and Diffused.

You saw only the tiniest fragments of my essence yet still in holographic mirage, I shine.

I am going to trust in the gods that this burning, this horror spawns something refreshed and renewed. A new Divinity in this atrocious desecration.

Let there be exponential growth and let the earth shuck off those shackles that humans placed on her and Bloom.

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26 August 2019

I just had a call from the housing inspector saying that I have to get rid of my three fishponds as they are a hazard for drowning. I said “they are not! They are each covered with steel mesh that is frankly heavy for me to manuever when I clean the filters. So small children would have difficulty shoving them aside to drown in.

I will not be getting rid of them as I deliberately have running water around my house and goldfish as with my trauma issues, I find it soothing. Especially as I was raised by the sea so am accustomed to the sound of water. Also I do not derive income from the ponds and they are solely for my own pleasure!”

He mumbled something about me getting small water features. I said “No. I am not doing anything wrong. I have had these ponds since I moved here over 16 years ago and they have never been a problem before”.

He blatantly lied and said I was told to get rid of them at the last inspection a year ago. I told him that was a blatant lie. In fact the woman who inspected last year told me my garden was lovely and I should compete in the housing commission garden awards.

So anyway he then stated he was going to speak to his supervisor. I said “You do that! If you harass me further about this issue I will be writing to my member of Parliament”.

Funny how when he arrived on Wednesday I was listening to the George Pell appeal rejection and explained I had not heard his knocking because of that. He made a weird face at me. Took photos of the ponds which I thought was weird and asked if I have a chicken when he saw the chicken coop. I replied I am allowed to have animals here!

He went into the back bedroom (twice! and stared at the beads and my inherited china for some time. (Again assuming I am making money on the side. I have not sold one item.) I have no extra income and live only on my pension.

But I had a little fascist in my house. I am right in my suspicions that they would start harassing me in the hope I vacate this premises as the land is lucrative (my dead neighbour’s land sold for $825K) so they want me out of here to make money from my land next.

Also the female inspector last year promised me a new kitchen and bathroom in 2-4 years which is more lies and gaslighting as they don’t even fix the oven properly or paint the house or fix the stumps or even get Urban utilities to fix the leak on the front verge. Although this Inspector said he did call them and acknowledged that they had received my email.

I said “Yes you did call them. I believe you. They came right out, sat in their Ute for 24 minutes then drove off and have not been back. More epic game playing bullshit from another government department who did not even answer the phones after one hour when I initially phoned to report the leak!”

So I am extruding blood over this further harassment. It’s ridiculous. My crime? Asking for necessary repairs around my home.

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26 August 2018

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I have often found myself wondering lately how my life could be, if I could go back in time and shift the gear or cog or broken wheel of fortune that created this life for me. The life that meant I was born into a family of abusers who in turn were survivors of generational abuse, Nazi Regimes and concentration camps, foster children and orphanages (my paedophile godfather Trevor Singh).

Like what in heaven or hell did I do to deserve them??? What did they do to deserve me? Especially my mother whom I still went to assist in her last dying 18 months in that High Care facility she was grannydumped in.

Even though I was severely traumatised from decades of abuse, even though I knew I would be fighting her disgusting con-artist step-daughters when she died (not knowing the vile vomitous lies and filth they co-wrote with my demented mother into her Will).

So yeah, new teeth, new car, a bed. Was it worth it? The immense suffering, lining the pockets of that lawyer for my small inheritance. Not really.

But a car is freedom, new teeth was a smile of confidence and my bed, my death-like sanctuary of repose after a hard-bitten abusive life - a comfort.

Then the dancing happened. Stomping down old paradigms, old lovers, old griefs, kicking down the devastation of old abusers. Picked up a few new ones along the way, then shook them off like verminous flea-bitten dogs.

Each time, allowing good kind people into my world. Got better at discernment. Kept myself safe. Nurtured a love for the last false shallow bastard but that Love emboldened me to open my creativity, my joy and my heart.

So much pain amidst the loss, but someone amazing grew back. A tiny child born into hell became her own heaven, hit the reset button, hit the ground running, dancing, jiving....maybe soon thriving.

Shake out my skirts, my hair, my soul’s yearning, twirl and swirl and punch the sky. There she is: everywhere and nowhere but never forgotten. Sublime but not subliminal. Not shrinking from truth or obliterating awareness. No shrinking myself down to fit the Other.

I owe it to my true Beloveds. Those who know and love me. Lightworkers, healers, Musicians, Artists, Mothers of heart, fathers of guidance and protection and deep respect for my essence, the unloved and unbroken for we have rebuilt ourselves from our own desolation.

A thousand steps on the highway to Hell and a million rungs on that Jacob’s ladder. Angels and demons and Hellians and Berserkers and a few jolly good fellows. (Giggles)

Bikies and Rabbis and Neo-Nazis and a cross-dressing filthy threatening Moroccan and a raping Ethiopian, Israeli homeopaths and staid dreadlocked Englishmen. All failed to kill me. Dichotomy. Men have made me Whom I am today.

The cure - Cannot come from the same level of damage. No. It took good kind genuinely loving authentic people. Strong people. It took other Survivors. It took myself, Becoming more of Whom

I am, always was and ever shall be. It took Soul, guts and eternal Love.

Blessed Be the Holy One the True Judge and Creator of all universes/paradigms/thoughts/manifestations.

We did it. (Did what? I don’t know? But it was Some Thing in the No Thing! Ooh look, there is that Tanya lying on her bed psychobabblng again, what is she up to now?) shrugs.

Next...Fade to black. Back to back. Reel to reel. Surreal to Real I have my own Back. Kiss my morning and rejoice. Gorgeous loveable grateful Woman. Here.

Fucking Fearless. But Fabulous, Darlings. An absolutism. Convoluted absolute!

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It’s pouring rain. At last! My garden is drinking and breathing and sighing with happiness.

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26 August 2017

4.06 am. 4 hours sleep! I feel overheated as I had the electric blanket on when I went to bed as I was feeling very cold, then thought I turned it off but woke up feeling thirsty, in bad pain and agitated to discover it was still on.

So I got a glass of water which Penny helped herself to, and now lying here, wide awake and exhausted. Hmmm. Not cool. Literally. Haha.

So what to do but try to schluff again, as my body needs to heal as my brain needs to be unconscious for a while.

Boker Tov! Good morning y'all!

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7.07 am. Awake but resting in bed. Beauregard kept whining to go outside so I let him out. Penny (the dear) just did a massive puke beside my bed. Yup it's another day being a slave to my animals. But they love me.

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Fuck! Just flooded out my kitchen. I have wanted to mop the floors but this is ridiculous. All the cabinets were soaking wet inside. Lucky nothing electric got wet.

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I have had a productive day. Mopped floors. Cleaned bathroom. Got hungry so cooked a huge vegetable stir fry (had no meat but Veges are good on their own) with Jasmine rice. Have eaten a huge bowl of that! Yum!

Repainted my little toy witch that hangs off my rear view mirror as she was faded and looked rather grotty. She looks lovely again with bright green hair!

I had a few naps today as Bobo kept me up most of the night and my back is slightly better.

All good 🙂

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My back is still weak but I managed to dance until exhaustion slammed me back down around 2.30 am. Not long woken up.

I had a lovely night last night. An old flame (who always plays a weird fucked up psycho-sexual game with me) turned up. I actually asked him to dance with me as it broke the tension a bit and you know, I was hamming it up with a friend's partner and we were laughing but then it hit me that they should be dancing together and I looked like a 3rd wheel.

So I called Marco over. Just keeping myself free and not getting in too deep with anyone. It's a finely wrought balance.

I wish I had found true love in this lifetime but yeah, lol, not likely to happen. Men either underestimate me or abuse me (fuck or fight syndrome). But hey, I have some lovely friends and that is my true blessing.

It hurts so much in so many ways, the way I have been played for a fool and my lack of luck in important life goals but hey, G-d made me this way for a reason and I have no idea how much longer I must suffer the slings and arrows of cupid's lies and deception but I got Me and that is pretty awesome.

26 August 2016

I woke up at 11.30 am. Felt quite good. Had my antibiotic. Felt good enough to ring Lyn and have a lovely chat. Then crashed and burned. Back to bed I went.

It is now almost 2 pm. Time to try to get some life into this day. At least it has been a lovely warm sunny day.

Spring is here. My freesias are budding. So are the Irises. I pray I get better soon so I can enjoy Spring and maybe even Summer this year.

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Omg! Yessss! I can hardly wait. One banging down my door on his crossing his threshold into Hell was rather satisfying. But Not quite enough. He ( and the rest of his cohorts) still got away with so much of my soul murder!)

But that was my gift from Hashem when I prayed to be brought into perfect alignment so that I could finally be in a relationship with my one true love. A final kick from lovers past (and passed). Too funny. And weird. And rather distressing.

The evil pricks would not let go. Not even when they married, had other children, even upon their deaths. I must be someone very amazing to foster such maniacal devotion in psychopaths. Lmao!

See you in Hell, MotherFuckers. I won't be far behind you!

26 August 2015

Trigger warning: religious abuse syndrome.

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Well, I am home safe, in my splendid Kahlo-esque boudoir. I am not going to lie to anyone, or myself. I am not happy I am still alive. Not after enduring 5 decades of abuse for the crime of being a good woman who cares for others and has always worked hard to protect myself and those around me.

My life has never been easy (not even when I was wealthier with a freehold home as my husband abused me emotionally, mentally and worst of all financially) but I still managed to give my children a decent private Jewish Primary School education, which involved heavy sponsorship after I left him, and driving in utter trauma and exhaustion 80 minutes a day there and back twice daily on fucking auto-pilot, several times during which I almost had an accident and had to pull over to have a short 10 minute nap.

I did this because I loved my kids and I wanted them to have the very best of everything. Things I never had as a child. Like a parent who was not only available to them but loyal to them.

In the end, Sinai College insisted I put Crystal in counselling (for stealing a few fucking erasers which is the kind of thing 10 year olds do) and tried to make me and my children out to be crazy. Traumatised, Yes. Crazy. No.

They also tried to humiliate me publicly at a Gala Charity dinner for not paying the school fees (I still have the letter of complaint I wrote the board.) So seriously, I kept my kids there, because I wanted a jewish education for them. They graduated barely able to speak or write any Hebrew so their time there was wasted and were quite traumatised from ongoing bullying. Now they barely identify as Jews.

As Crystal stated to me, why would we want to be jews after watching the Brisbane Jewish Community vilify our mother for decades. She doesn't understand that the community is NOT the POINT.

I made a commitment to G-d, and my relationship is not with the poisonous toxic psychopathic schmucks but with God. So I remain a Jew. Even though I dance on Friday nights and have given up on shul.

By the way Hashem (and the Angels) that I constantly cleave to, have also consistently let me down. Don't even get me started on that topic. My Blood is Boiling.

On a lighter note, I am here, I am obliquely bent out of shape, I still have fire in my belly, but I refuse to have to deal with all this crazy shit much longer. Everything has its season, its use-by date, and in the meantime...I will have fun before I die.

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Karen Donohue came to visit me all the way from Bracken Ridge. She was banging on my door at 6 pm. I was a tad confused as I had slept all day. I hadn't even woken up to let the chicky babes run around during the day, so I will be in the chicken box tomorrow. But we filled up their feeding troughs, fed the cats, made pancakes and had a lovely chat. I drove her home at 10 pm. It was lovely to see her.

Jarrod spent all afternoon and evening with me yesterday. We had a lovely time and went to Miss India for dinner. Then we watched American Horror Story on Netflix. Little Harvey snuggled in under the blanket.

I feel really loved and appreciated by my true friends. Still struggling a bit, as my left side hurts, I must have slept badly on it, or cracked a rib. All good. The garden blessed me with some lovely early Freesias. Everything quiet and peaceful at home. Just how we like it.

26 August 2014

3.15 am. Watching True Blood and being comforted by Penny's very loud rhythmic purr.

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3.42 pm. Good afternoon! I am awake after very vivid trauma dreams...dreamt of my mother, birds in cages and wild birds visiting them, child abuse, riding a bicycle with Crystal as a child, only we were loaded up with as much stuff on the bikes as refugees.

Um, what else? We rode to a beach to be greeted by some very friendly men and some of their wives and gfs then saw a tornado coming towards the beach. It was off course so in the dream I told them not to worry, but the atmosphere changed. I felt lost, vulnerable and homeless.

Also in that same dream my ex husband had stolen my car (my former mazda 121). So basically I was reliving old traumas mixed up with my mother, perfect storms and old memories of our house in Island Bay and from my marriage. Interesting!!!

My PTSD is fully engaged! I will be trying to have a nice afternoon/evening tonight!

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I just found out that my beautiful 87 yo friend, a longtime family friend, Sylvia Shine has passed away. May her Neshamah find rest and peace in the ever-loving arms of the Ein Soph Aur.

She was a loud, wild Cockney with a great sense of humour and colourful language but she was one of my "mothers" in the sense that she understood my history and was a loving Mentor.

Wild Women "See" each other's pain and suffering and laugh in the face of adversity. We Know the true meaning of Love! I was blessed to know her and wish I could have found the money to visit her in the past 15 years.

I was fortunate to keep in touch with her via Facebook which she actually introduced me to and encouraged me to use as an vehicle to write my feelings and thoughts on. So if you hate my ramblings you can blame her! She was often my Muse!

She was one of the very few adults in my childhood who tried to highlight the fact that I was being abused to my mother but her pleas fell on deaf ears. My family were not interested in protecting or defending me.

I don't think Sylvia understood the level of sociopathology and narcissism I was living with. I am grateful she tried to help me. My mother was a formidable woman to deal with and ruled with an iron fist.

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26 August 2010

This little Meshuggeneh stayed awake for over 24 hours after marathon cleaning effort, (had to clean the mould off my bedroom ceiling). I was so exhausted I thought I would just die, but came home, and amazingly had a deep sleep for only 2 hours, and awoken again by the dog.

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Coming down with a chest infection, avoiding cleaning house for tomorrow's house inspection and been obsessing over my family tree. (which fits into the housecleaning avoidance scenario). I spent a few hours in the cold night air digging in new pots, and repotting. Methinks I have a Death or Homeless Wish but I'm a tough old bird.

Sylvia Shine: tweet -tweet little birdie,not old,but mayebe a little tough.Tanye,i have to tell you this,at least,you know where you are from,i go as far back ,as an old witch[my maternal grandmother]she was horrible,to her daughters,and gradchildren,she said,we were second-hand goods,and used to whack us,with her walking stick.My dad was a farmer in Poland,also a musician,a good man,so that's all i know,i know who i am ,and am very satisfied,whoever was before me

Sylvia Shine: part2don't count,so there,>tanya,stay as sweet as you are,don't keep belittling yourself,you know who you are,you just,were not born lucky,hold on ,you have 2 daughters,your contribution to this world,something had to be right.My message packed up,had to make part 2,head up,face the world,whatever.LOVE YOU<SYLVIA X X X X X X X X X X

Me: So sorry about your grandmother, Sylvia. Sounds just a vicious as my dear old departed mother used to be to me and my girls. Never mind, onwards and upwards. You are right, I have not been born lucky, but I am extremely lucky in having been blessed with some truly wonderful friends in life, and of course my daughters. One has to count one's blessings!

I've decided not to allow the past family horrors and karmic debts get to me too much. I've lived through so much of it, the mind just boggles but I think (dare I even dream to hope?!) the worst might just be over.

I may be lucky enough to find some wonderful new niche or talent for myself one day. It's hard to imagine a successful future but who knows what tomorrow might bring? Don't worry, my darling Sylvia, I Always Hold my Head up high no matter what.

Love you too Sylvia, bless! xxxxx

Update 26 August 2018: I shared this because I miss my friend Sylvia Shine who was formerly my mother’s friend and who had always been loving and supportive of me. She was an Orthodox Jew from east London, still spoke with her Cockney accent and truly understood me as a child/adult survivor.

Understood me, valued and loved me. One of my “mothers” in my unmothered childhood. She broke my heart in 2000 when she told me (on a trip to Melbourne) that child abuse and incest were endemic in London during her childhood. (She was 85 at that time). I was devastated.

I had not realised until then that CSA affected Jewish families also or the scope of the problem. I actually had a breakdown. But that breakdown strengthened me to escape my own mother and her abusive boyfriend -later husband- creep Buck Scherer by moving out of my mother’s rental home (I paid high rent and they constantly slandered and attacked me) and moved to Mt Gravatt East until my housing commission house was gifted to me in 2003.

The beginning of my journey to healing and my kintsugi remodelling of my heart and soul. So cracked that only golden light streams through but occasionally an ugly darkness still claws at me, shades of the past and grief at never finding a love partner I could trust with my heart/body/soul.

So here’s to Sylvia Shine..my blessings. Love you!

Copyright Tanya Desiree Arons