Memories: 25 June 2025

25 June 2024

8:35 am a better sleep, thank the goddess. I got up a few times but not as often as the previous night. I feel very much loved by Kylie who is my hairdresser and such a beautiful kind soul. Blessed be!

She always makes me feel beautiful, and very much valued. Grateful for good kind people in my life. You are out there! Love to and from the multiverses!

25 June 2023

Four years since my NDE after the cholecystectomy. A lot has changed! Intense spiritual and personal growth. Gratitude to the gods. I still have a long way to go, depending on the allotted time gifted to me. But boy! I can see the progression. It’s been incredibly amazing.

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25 June 2022

Trigger warning: my political affiliations, spirituality, religious beliefs are my own. If you don’t like it, don’t read or follow my journaling on Vocal Media or anywhere else in the known universe.

But…I am a free person and reserve the right to my own mind, heart and soul.

I will not be Silenced! The truth remains the truth no matter how many times other people try to vanquish it.

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2 am still awake. Fuck. Prednisone hypomania is dodgy as fuck.

I still have transcribing of all my memories to do. Tomorrow. My mind will snap if I do any more tonight.

25 June 2021

Two years since that awful surgery. I have begun to heal at last. Another colonoscopy due on 26 July then hopefully (it takes me two months to recover usually!) it will be smooth sailing for a while.

It’s a cold and rainy day. Not long awake.

Spirit or higher mind are still encouraging me to buy ebony and make jewellery from it. I find this a tad strange. But I priced some blocks of ebony wood on eBay. You can get small blocks for $50. Hmmm. I guess I could give it a try sometime.

I saw some lovely purple spalted wood too. They are selling it to make pen blanks. It was expensive though. I have very expensive tastes. It’s frustrating. But the ebony idea was not my own idea so Someone is tweaking my spirit again. I wonder what the higher ideal really is? A test to see if I obey commands like a good little Dybbuk-ridden human?

Crystal has some old piano keys. I might ask her if there are any ebony ones to see if I can make something out of it and find out what all the spiritual nagging is about? If she still has them and is willing to give me a piece.

It’s a tad perturbing when ideas come to me and are so persistent.

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I have been feeling very isolated and abandoned this week. Perhaps I should go dancing tonight? But it’s cold and rainy.

Perhaps I should just stay in my hermitage until the weather gets warmer and more congenial. But I have an inkling I am gonna have to break out soon.

It might do me the power of good. Ramjet are playing at Brooklyn Standard tonight. Tempting.

25 June 2020

I had a lovely afternoon today. Comforted by both Lyn and Peter whom I thanked for not deleting my life stories on the last hard drive. They are indeed valuable even as they are often traumatic reminders. I feel very loved and protected by my friends.

Bobo had a lovely time chasing the ball and gnawing on the delicious bone Lyn bought for him. “Thanks Auntie Lyn”. He then promptly buried it somewhere for next time we visit. The rascal!

Then I met up with Jarrod at Capalaba Central as he had bought me a glass jar in the shape of a hippo for my glass collection. Very cool!

Then when I got home the corks I had ordered online had arrived for my other glass jars that had Ill-fitting lids. So it all looks very professional and lovely in my Witchy cupboard where I keep my herbs and spices. Lmao!

25 June 2019

Be’ezrat HaShem I am grateful the hospital kept me in overnight. I have been extremely weak and ill. I actually was pissed off about not going home early. Thank all the gods I did not. I would not have made it!

Nurse gave me lemonade to assist with reflux issues. Sweetness and light. I feel very protected, nurtured and loved unconditionally.

From the comment section:

1:26 am. First food. Yayy! (A photo of a sandwich I actually begged for as I had not eaten since day before).

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Just got dragged from labrinthine healing depths of sleep for obs check. First proper sleep I have had. But am doing well.

Now gotta sip some water and sleep more.

Love you all x

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5:55 am. Just woke up for morning ablutions. Oh such a relief to be a bit more steady on my feet again. And to Pee. I never ever take that for granted after my first major surgery in 2007. I slept deeply from 4.25 am until now. So exhausted.

In pain again but will weather that until next dose of endone. Unless it gets too bad.

Modern medicine is miraculous. Thank the gods for Endone. I am glad they stopped giving me tramadol. You know you need your pain relief when you don’t feel the least bit “high” but merely astonished at being alive and feeling better incrementally each time you are woken up.

Eating yoghurt which is soothing on my dry sore throat. Yayyy. It tastes delicious. Like Life itself! 😉

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11:11 pm the gods are on my side but my body is struggling. But I managed to have a pee in spite of wanting to vomit. Dr coming to review me.

From the comment section;

Kelly Anne: Has he been yet?

Me: Nup. But I just asked for a sandwich as now I don’t feel Nauseous I am Hungry. Lmao

It is a good sign that I finally want to eat but they may not let me due to the vomiting. (On only water! It seems the lemonade has revived me slightly although my oxygen levels are quite low. Soo ....foood might just give the kickstart I need.

Mama T is perpetually incongruent 🙂

Lol gotta wait 20 minutes for a sandwich as fridge on our floor empty and the lovely nurse has to run downstairs to source one for me as it is after hours. I have not fasted like this (now 26 hours) since when I used to observe Yom Kippur! I hope I keep the food down as my higher mind has spoken.

The staff here are wonderful. Makes those perverted sadistic ghouls at Pre-Admission look like amateurs. (And they were the specialists!)

But time to let go anger, let in food and fucking heal my body. 🙂

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11:55 am still waiting. Dreaming of chocolate and my nice warm bed and worrying about Beauregard. Fuck! This is interminable. I am third on the “list” and there is a gentleman waiting before me. So this day drags on. Tempted to just go home.

From the comment section:

Me: 1:32 pm still waiting. They just gave me another warm blanket

Megan Phillips: be patient cuz hope you're closer now

Kelly Anne: Tanya Arons ur going to be ok. Focus on ur breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Longer on the exhale. Repeat.

(Update: this comment proved rather prescient as I almost died during the night and was following my long exhale wondering if I was going to inhale ever again when a nurse heard my oxi monitor screaming and ran in to check on me.)

Megan Phillips: the air conditioning is cold in hospitals, you can freeze to death waiting, nil by mouth..ask them when is your op going to be? ffs

Me: They just took my blood pressure. Hopefully that is a sign it will happen soon. Almost 2 pm now

Me: Julie Goddard I did not get surgery until 6 pm. I was under 2 hours

JG: Tanya Arons wow that's a long day

Me: Julie Goddard absolutely!

I thought the fucking abortive colonoscopy was an ordeal!!! Jesus!

But at least I am not shitting through the eye of a needle at 500 paces.

JG: Tanya Arons so they going to keep you awake all night?

Me: I hope not as I will go hypomanic if I don’t sleep soon

Paula Sztypel: It's 3.20 pm. I hope that you are sleeping.

Me: Paula Sztypl I Did not get out of surgery until 6. Was out for 2 hours.

Bit of a mess. Had trouble waking up and Integrating. But glad to report that The Tanya/Mama T is Back.

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8:11 am sitting here at the surgical ward, waiting...

I dreamt this morning a recurrent dream that some idiot had stolen the fountain head from my pond pump so the water was gushing up like a geyser. The water was clear and powerfully pumping so I took that as a good omen. Then my beautiful Sally messaged and kindly offered to drive me to the hospital. Just as I stepped outside to let Bobo pee I saw the beautiful rainbow.

This day already full of magic and wonder and loving supportive friends.

Everything is going to be fine. :-)

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Sally is picking me up and driving me to the PA hospital. Thanks so much Sally xxx

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25 June 2018

Cold grey morning. Lucky I took the opportunity to fully enjoy the gorgeous sunny day yesterday. I would have felt severely disgruntled if I had missed out on that. Our winters are mild but it was lovely to be able to enjoy lying in the hammock on a warm afternoon again.

I wonder what cosmic surprises today has planned for me? Every day is a blessing and a gift when you wake up still breathing!

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The sunshine has come out! Yayyy!

25 June 2017

Donald Trump is the political anarchist's gift that just keeps giving!!! He does it all by himself with no help at all. Poor wee Pwesident!

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I had a lovely walk in the forest with my true loves, Beauregard (beautiful outlook) and Charlie!

We sat on a large flat rock and I talked to You Know Who about You know what and Charlie shat on my shoulder and explored a shrub and Bobo the Clown Dog eventually settled to sit quietly in meditation beside me.

It was very soulful and quiet and blissful. I had to change my t shirt when we got back but shit happens and birdy num num poop is good luck, right?! Of course right.

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Ooh ooh ohhh happy news. My fucktard awful neighbours across the road from me have finally moved their car that blocked my driveway and made it so hard for me to back out onto the road. 6 months of that epic horseshit! Council refused to assist as they said the car was legally parked.

So I hope they have moved it permanently as it was such a huge stressor not just for me but for my visitors.

Fingers crossed they don't Park it back in that horribly inconvenient place. (I think they finally realised that I narrowly miss hitting it every single time!)

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Superficial friends. Psy Sighs!

I need to change my life (again!). What is the next paradigm Going to be? Give up dancing and take up some other calmer hobby. Like Breatharianism so I can enter the Light unencumbered by excess baggage and saggage! (Joke! I like Food too much!).

Wrings hands: I THINK I BETTER THINK IT OUT AGAIN.

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I have a Hat and no daughter. A body but no mortar. A Heart made out of bandaids and superglue and rubber bands. A mind that is intrinsically beautiful but only comprehended by a few.

A capricious vengeful god who sends Slanderers and despots to dog me in forums (now that was weird!) and few jolly good (but odd!!!) Fellows. Fellowship of the Ring. (Or summat lak' that!)

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What if??? I am just so angry that being in love with a man who played me has meant that now when I get my first interesting offer in 2 and a half years that I had to forgo the opportunity for intimacy and sex because like a stupid Alte Hexe and a Proud Jew and a Wild Viking Warrior I am sticking to my integrity to not fuck or be fucked by anyone else who does not absolutely totally and completely Love me as anything else is a just a long slow declension of death for me, a travesty and a despairing tainted stain on my heart and mind.

What if I am scared of being used and manipulated then dumped again. What if I Love so wrongly that I am my own worst enemy. What if I was never meant to be in this life at all? What If I fucking Know Better. What if my heart will go on without me and that is more terrifying than Death?

Say what???!!!

Meh! Better get up and greet the day as have been babbling for hours to the Void and the Avoidant and frankly I am hungry now! Feed the Hungry Beast.

From the comment section:

Because you still believe in the delusion of what love is. You are getting glimpses of what love really is when you open up yourself to the joy of the moment. Your still believing in this romantic nonsense the illusion that if you are loved you will be saved from everything. I say bullshit unless you love yourself and vibrate with that live you will never know what real liv is. It's not the giving or receiving of love. It's a vibrational state of being or existing. It cannot be given or received. It exists in you or it doesn't exist at all. You have glimpses of that truth but you still hang on to the old beliefs.

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My bloodlines were sea faring folk. Gritty, bloody, salt of the earth questers and questioners. Spiritual Yearners and learners. Occultists and also Abusers. Their wisdom gained from book learning and from trauma. Masquerading as false gods of Enlightenment, endeavouring to ride on the coat-tails of a man who was a powerful Mage in his own right and a fierce force to be reckoned with.

I once asked the Holy One Blessed Be His (Her! They! - God has no gender People!!!) Name, to be afforded the abilities of my ancestor. A folly! One can only step up to one's own inner secret Power, one's own unique gifts/talents/exhortations. One can never aspire to Be any other mortal (or god, or spirit) as we are each created in a uniquely exquisite way.

We may return to Oneness but we return with our own unique Soul Signature to the cosmic soup of the Ein Sof Aur. Forgiven but not forgotten in the great Supra-Consciousness of the Creative Mind.

A dot on an impressionist painting. A will to create a resonance on a chord of a musical instrument. A breath without breathing, waiting to exhale and an involution of all that was expelled into the universes. We shall Return, and turning every season, for every reason and it is all Love.

Anyway I started writing this but got on one of my mind slip-flipping spiels to mention that on Friday at Ecstatic Dance I had been blessed with the imagery of a floating, absorbing cuttlefish or squid, swallowing all the life that it swims through and pushing itself through the oceanic depths (push/pull, inhale/exhale/ ingest/digest floating and flowing on a gigantic lonely sea going nowhere but here and there and everywhere at once, as a source of existence.

Then yesterday my image was of that great and mystical bird that has flung itself over my shoulders since infancy. (My derelict evil parents used to quip "you are so unlucky Tanya, you must have killed a China man (in a previous existence!")

I suspect I was a great and powerful warrior and the blood of many lay upon my hands as my karmic path in this one has been one of failure to find and receive True Love Partners, and cursed with sexual abuse from childhood, disease, treachery and poverty (things given to me easily and freely, then wrenched away by deceit and vicious spite).

Aye my hearties that Albatross doth drag me under into the depths of my consciousness but She flies in the face of my dereliction and predilections to scramble on the edge of a craggy abyss, to scuttle and shuffle to my feet and be taken up again, into the fray.

The Albatross loves me. I love her. I flung her off my shoulders once, lay down to die for the thousandth time but the ineffable Bitch was back by morning.

So what can The Tanya do but Kiss and kiss the hag that lied and the crow that cried and the whimsical Birds of Fate that came too late but took her up on silent screaming Wings and soared across the ghost ships of her mind.

Ships, magical vessels that cross worlds and paradigms that are significantly female and open and holy guardians of the Spirit. Men must penetrate them, convert them, name them, re-name them (a misfortune!) or blame them.

Birds (even the beleaguered Albatross) must fly the length and breadth of oceanic delights for a safe landing and a wise Captain must master the Tempests and the forlorn and wild sultry trade winds and the hefty tortuous back breaking toss pots of the cresting waves and pray for (or in my blessèd Berserker Grandfather Antoni Patula's case), whistle a wind to break the life threatening thirsting carrion-calling Becalment.

Ergo no accident that his progeny feared the illusory Calm Waters so very much as well as the great and humbling Storms of our existence.

May we be Blessed with Enough. More than just barely enough (I wax greedy and impatient as I take up space on this planet and I want my creature comforts if I must sojourn here into ancient moribund torpitude!)

Hahaha! Manifest Bitch, Good luck with that but I have been richer before although my true wealth is hardly pecuniary!). That is my Super Power! What's Yours???

I am my Beloved and my Beloved is Mine and that too, is my Albatross. I won't let go of my hopes and dreams and my passion that is both my blessing and my curse.

So I suck it up and fuck it up and luck it out and keep dancing through the delusion and the illusion into a spiral back to my own Light! Shine on Sisters. (You will never know if you don't glow! With the shape of an L on my forehead).

China Girl. My dickhead parents could be racist but sometimes they were clever and witty and funny and they failed to kill me in so many innumerable ways but they emboldened me to be a creature they feared from my very first breath.

Backhanded (across my face) gifts of primary existence. Life force. A love that defies all other loves as it is beyond human expression and human Ken.

I am so angry that I never received my apology from the filthy lowlife scum merchants of hate. But I don't need their acknowledgement of their own pain and projections. I need nothing from the dead (or still living!) that got on that train wreck from Hell.

Hellians of ancient mariners fear no evils but that of their own failure to protect and defend our own minds and our own times. Everything else is just a fabrication of a sick and twisted Hive Mind and perversely will implode and shimmer away like a mirage.

Genug! Enough. And more... love light and peace. Knowledge, Wisdom And Strength. Joy. Comfort and a life that is ennobled, precious and worth living.

So Mote it Be. Not in a distant unattainable dreamscape but in my Now!

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Awake after 5 hours sleep and dancing for 4 hours last night (again!) I am definitely going through a shift but I am hypomanic. (Happy for no reason!) but going with the flow as happiness is a rare and precious jewel in my paradigm and a well deserved one.

A young man I met on Friday night came to watch (this time from a distance at the opposite side of the dance floor). I found his pattern of voyeurisim intriguing. That is how so many wannabe lovers conduct themselves. I ignored him. I am too old and too tired to play weird emotional psycho-sexual games.

By the end of the night I felt quite disgusted actually, as it is both demeaning and disconcerting to be treated like an object of voyeuristic desire and at the same time, contempt.

So needless to say I am very glad I did not fall victim to his charms on Friday night and yeah, long term celibacy is a pristine and often lonely state but occasional random sex with strangers (even handsome younger options) is no longer enough to give me any sense of comfort or release.

I have learned through a long slow traumatic process that real loves don't use, abuse, betray or stalk you. Real Loves invite you out and bother to get to know you without agendas.

I am so in love with myself right now. Standing staunch and courageous and fragile and beautiful in my own unique feminine mystique like a lotus flower but not letting myself down and falling prey to any more predators.

Well baby steps... I was consumed by a big Love yesterday so wrote a long letter to my Beloved who (thank god!) ignores and rejects me as he just writes me off as insane.

So I spiral up and down, waiting for Godot, for my own healing, for ho'oponopono to correct the wrongs in my own existence and for time/space to shift into perfect alignment with all my highest ideals and actualisations so I can manifest a life I desire and deserve without stumbling into pits of hellish discordance and brutal despair.

52 years old. Let's be real here. It is too late and I am so very sorry about that. But I am happier in the past few years and I am back up on my feet, emotionally albeit not financially and people come and people go and some drain and some abstain and some retain and I know how this goes, this long graceful dance to Oblivion but it is a majestic blossoming and an unfoldment.

Happy and grateful to watch the false delusions fall by the wayside and to carry on, in my own beauty and integrity. Naked and Sacred but Aware and Alive and resonating on a vibration that is eternal bliss and a Wonderment.

25 June 2016

Beauregard had a lovely time at the dog park. He is such a happy Chappy. The sun was shining and the wind had finally dropped although it was still cold in the shade.

I saw a doppelgänger of another of my recent lovers. Lol. A young man, who looked exactly like a photo of him when he was young.

I got really tripped out for a few moments. The universe is clearing me by forcing me to bear witness to the past and present and healing me by showing all the men I loved so much are now leaving my life and energetic connections.

For a moment I felt tragically sad that I have been denied love for so many many years but then I looked around at the trees, the sunshine, my Beauregard running and playing joyously and I thought well, this is the Love in my life.

A greater, more sacred, more nourishing, more authentic Love than I ever got from a man. God is Great. Whom am I to resist my fate?

I have been dancing on one spot, blocked by walls put up by enemies for so long that now I am finally free I do not know how to move past the now illusory blockades. Perhaps it is wise to just be in the moment and let the ones who are genuine come to find me for a change.

I don't know. I have been shown by the past few days of symbiotic doppelgängers ghosts of dead loves past and present that everything is going to be ok. It is not my fault I was never Chosen and if I was, I was quickly discarded by weak men in their quest to conquer.

They feared me. I know that. They knew I was aware of their need to destroy or dominate anything still good left in me. But they failed. Moved on to easier, more malleable, more facile targets. Lmao!

Well my happiness is my own. No longer a mirror ball reflection of happiness shattered and refracted to please someone else's idea of me.

My happiness is deep inside me. I have had to mine it like diamonds. Explode the hardened bitter ground and dig deep deep down into a fragile inner core.

Nothing lost and nothing gained by living every day. Just as it is.

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Another headache from coughing. Might stay home tonight. I had a wonderful time last night so why ruin a good thing by risking a mediocre night.

25 June 2015

Lots of good stuff money can't buy! Money, however is always a welcome addition to my goodly Stuff.

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2.05 pm. Back to bed, I go. Nearly killed myself digging out the root clumps of that heathenish grasses I pulled out early this week. I couldn't get to do them all.

I almost hyper-ventilated and blacked out. I had to sit on the ground for 10 minutes until my ears stopped humming, my vision cleared and my breath settled down. Mushu my beloved boy came and sat with me and shadow-boxed with me until I was well enough to stand up.

I also brought the wooden nesting box from under the house and filled it with straw and installed it in the silkies coop. Too cold for them to sleep on the bare ground. I filled up their grain feeders and got them fresh water.

It was the digging that finished me off though. Oh well, bit of fresh air felt good. I have been bed-bound for weeks.

25 June 2014

My Dad had a saying, "I know the sea like the back of my hand" but sailors have drowned for bragging about that :-)

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I had my 3-weekly debrief. My amazing Dr says I am in love and had a major Dopamine Hit! :-). He likes the sound of new guy too. Says he gets me, likes me, has respect for me and even though he is coy and cautious is not being abusive. So there is a real possibility for a good friendship.

Time Will Tell! 'You can't hurry Love, you just have to wait. It don't come easy and is all give and take '. Sorry, silly moment there, but y'all get my Vibe.

25 June 2013

Sick as a Dog. Inevitable really! Fuck my Life! Oh well, another internal battle with infection and bad chest. I am glad I got some living done even though it has made me run down and sick.

This body just refuses to tolerate any cold and the weather has been so damn confusing...humid for a few days, then rain, then bitter cold, Coming home at 3 am the other night in a Heavy Frost was the final straw as I was already sick.

Ahhh but the air was so crisp and invigorating despite the cold and the sleety fog. I felt so Alive and at one with the Cosmos with that crazy sexy Moon building to its Crescendo 2 nights later.

I even walked a few city blocks to enjoy it. Walking alone in the cold with few other people around made me feel like the city was Mine and I was happy.

Then again after the bullshit at Irish Murphy's on Sunday night, I strolled the streets for a while to think and cool my rage down. Trying to work out why my life always goes so very wrong and why I am under constant attack. No answer to that question so I walked and gained a sense of balance with the night before driving home.

Yesterday I got my hair done and was so exhausted I fell asleep in the chair. I look nice though!

25 June 2012

I smell money coming...not nearly enough for any reasonable standard of Life Quality, but better than nothing. Wheels are rolling...going down the road....wheeeeeeeeeeeeee soon I hope!

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I've been outside being all Primevil building a fire in my Brazier. There is something very satisfying about a wood fire in winter. The friendly Possum kept a close watch on me from the fenceline and later the roof.

Her sillouette against the night sky on the apex of my roof was rather enchanting. Bella got a bit too barky though so we had to go inside.

Final Orders tomorrow! The end of the will dispute trauma at long long last.

25 June 2011

My Heart is Full. Thanks Michelle, you made my night. I've been loved by many friends who more than make up for the other nightmarish bastards along the way. I hope I always can keep my heart full with LOVE, where it is most needed. I am truly Blessed to have reached this point in my life! Thank you!

Just so there's no confusion, the nightmarish bastards were my own immediate family growing up, and many of their boyfriends, and a few of mine. lol Learnt a lot about evil from that lot and happy, deliriously happy to have survived them all. Looking forward to a clean bright shining future, free from old crap. Woohoo!

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I had a lovely day with Sybil. Like a cheeky Nature Sprite I was hanging off the Lime tree picking Limes, and scrambling under the Lemon Tree collecting Lemons and I loved every minute of it. Sybil was lovely and sewed some clothes for me. So I was very spoilt today.

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Update 25 June 2022:

Ultimately I lost one so the remaining earring I melted down with the rose gold cufflinks I bought for $35 in a second hand shop, back in January 2021 (which precipitated my silversmithing journey in a rather bizarre spiritual way because the gods are crazy but in that instance proved they really have my back, even though they won’t get off my back!)

I also melted another charm so altogether I made a rose gold heart from the scrap gold and still need to buy a gold jump ring and gold solder to attach it. (Or I could take it to a jeweller and get them to add a jump ring in gold for me?)

Update 25 June 2025:

I completed this beautiful cuff on 15 June 2025, which I had worked on for two months. The gold butterfly embellishments were made from the scrap gold. I had to remake them four times as they kept melting…so I lost some of the gold…but as it was scrap or bought cheaply in the secondhand store it was no great loss. Perfect to practise with and yielded great results in the end.

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25 June 2010

Clean sheets...dirty house, but clean sheeetssssss mmmmmm back to bed I think for some major snoozing so I can schmooze tomorrow…Had good news this arvo from my lawyer, so I want to be a fly on the proverbial wall.

Just imagining the outcomes, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and kind of giggly. Sigh! Too early to celebrate but hey, the rainbow is smiling upon the pot of gold and the pot of gold is smiling back.

Copyright: Tanya Désirée Arons