Memories: 25 April 2025

25 April 2025

8.20 am. Life is weird. I now have to take “Viagra” to quell my bladder. “Viagra in the Waters” - perhaps I focused too much hilarity on that song back in the day. Be wary of where you focus too much attention….it can come back to bite you! Hahaha.

Yesterday was my first dose so I need to take it for at least a month to know if it will work for me or not. Medications rarely work on me. But if this assists and I can avoid Botox I will be doing well.

Imagine a healthier, happier Tanya. That might be astonishing. Oh, the things I could achieve. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…

I only had to get up to pee at 5:25 am so that is already a good start. Dare I hope for more?…..more rest at night, more settling, more calm. More bliss, more love, light, peace, truth, honour and a body that is not at war with itself and everyone and everything?

Dare I heal myself? Have longer continuance? Invite a true lover into my life at long last? Dare I ask for a life that is replete with joy and delight, fun, goodness and partnership? Hmmmm…time will tell what reality might hold for me in this distorted dystopian crumbling wave function.

I must trust in my own soul to know who and what is real. So far I can see my two specialists: my psychiatrist and urologist are fighting for me to have better health so I can manifest my beautiful life. Fighting with everything they have because they believe in me, in my spirit to dance through life, to thrive, to heal myself and to Become!

Blessèd Be! Grateful happy Woman here!

https://youtu.be/w7S5_DbVCZQ The Tanya’s Shenanigans

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25 April 2024 (Anzac Day)

Another lovely day. I spent the day with Lyn. I helped sort her back bedroom where she stores her prepping supplies.

Later she made me a pina colada and we munched on spring rolls in sweet and sour sauce. Yummy!

25 April 2023

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Beautiful food gifted to me by a daughter of another Holocaust survivor. Never forget. We are the children of people who were tortured, raped and starved.

I am still nurtured and protected and even fed by people who love me greatly who know the cost we paid for our very existence on this planet. Survival. Against the odds.

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I just finished soldering on the bail (a recycled bracelet clasp!) and the other embellishments I made from the antique card case that was rather beaten up. I have yet to discover if they hold in place.

I am gonna tumble it and see what happens. I am excited that it has made it this far! I had to use mapp gas to get enough heat underneath to melt the solder. On my tripod thingy. Getting braver and cleverer and more intrepid.

Sawing off the excess backplate. Now need to file down the rough edges. Then solder on two jumprings. #titaniasrealm #sterlingsilverandhowlitependant #fivedaysofconstantjewellerymaking #iamexhaustedbuthappy #whatbecomesoftheunrequited? #wemakeourlivesbeautifulwithcreativity #eatmydust #AriseAndShineFromTheFetidAshesOfDeadLoves #deserving #loveandlight #overcomingyourdeathcultdarknessmotherfucker! #creativity #sanguinegnosis #discoveringinnatetalents #shiningbright #holdingmyheaduphigh #loveisthelaw #magickhappens #TheyTriedToKillMeIwonLetsEat

25 April 2022 (ANZAC Day)

William Thomas Huxford who was killed in action, aged 20 in the Dardanelles, Gallipolli and is buried in No 2 Outpost cemetery at Gallipoli. He was killed on 30 May 1915.

William is my grandmother Connie's brother, son of George and Euphemia King Huxford (nee Anderson).

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25 April 2021

Haha I just made an absolute Fool of myself at West End Drumming and even more bemusing...I seem to keep doing this ...and what is more, will probably keep doing it! It was fun!

25 April 2020

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I just finished watching “Good Omens” on Amazon Prime. Such a delightful quirky show. I loved it!

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11:11pm there Be Angels!!!

25 April 2019

Ding dong the universe is calling: I just saw 4:44 pm and earlier 3:33 and 2:22 and 11:01. Someone is tapping on my shoulder. Wake up! Wake up! Life to live, people to inspire, love to blossom.

Whatever!!!! :-)

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I stayed in bed today. Bobo beside me. I really should get up. There is a fly buzzing me and it is so annoying. Maybe the fly knows something I don’t?!

Ah well, time to drag my carcass up and take Beauregard for a walk I guess.

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Charlie, Beauregard and Mama T enjoyed our walk around the block. We met the bogan guy with the two old Staffies who stopped to chat with me about his cockatiel that he is looking after for his mother.

He introduced himself. We shook hands. He seems a nice fellow. I have seen him often walking past my house with his two dogs. They are 13 and both have cancer so he worries they may not live much longer so he spoils them.

He asked why I don’t walk through the forest much. I said I have been too ill so I barely manage to get around the block or two.

Then I carried on taking my two boys for their walkies. Bobo was so happy that he sashayed away!

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25 April 2018

25 April 2017

I am back from a walk around the block with Charlie and Beauregard. Charlie needs more sunshine and excitement (plucking out his feathers) and Beauregard needed a doggy mental Health break (pee on every bush and tree and ohhh the delightful Smells!)

I am out of breath and sweaty and sorta exhausted but my brief stomp around Holland Park cleared my head a little bit.

I bought vitamins to put in Charlie's water and need to buy palm oil to moisturise his bald plucked skin and to buy a cotton mop head for him to destroy instead of his own feathers.

I may have to consider getting him a mate. It might just be hormonal Frustration. But I will see how the other remedies work first. He is a very affectionate little fellow so I think I need to just spend more time smooching with him.

We spent some time in my hammock, watching Outlanders on Netflix and Charlie enjoyed the fresh air, sunshine and freedom very much. So on nice days like today, there will be more of that.

I need to buy him a larger cage too but that will be a bit further down the track. In the bird world "Boredom leads to Mischief" or rather Baldness.

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Trigger warning: csa, systemic abuse, institutional abuse, rape, strangulations etc etc ad nauseum.

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I have been feeling emotionally devastated. My father's ashes being scattered on a beach by The Tanya who did not deserve that creep but had no choice as she chose him in another spiritual world devoid of human viciousness/betrayal and sexual ignominy.

Then the major emotional dumping that followed. Letters in my own hand, written as a young girl (reading between the lines and knowing the truth not written, in that time frame) the screaming silently for escape and release only to throw my fate into the hands of a malevolent Mother-fucking (almost literally!) husband and then when we migrated here to Brisbane becoming once more trashed/slandered/victimised by my own Jewish community. Then later more abuse by sexual partners and their cohorts. Betrayals by former close friends.

Then watching them laid out like fetid globs of madness and spite. En masse. But kindness is G-d and he comforted me with the humour of a quickly hidden tattoo, then a small child's trust and friendship.

The Tanya. Falsely accused of being a Nazi. Falsely accused of being a slut and an adulteress. Zero Fucks given. Shunned and ridiculed by Ganze Machers. Hypocrites. Most of them.

I am feeling like an untethered long trailing ribbon, flying in the wind. Like the desolate flotsam and jetsam after Cyclone Debbie. Untainted by mercurial traitors. Just floating and living free. My blessing and my curse.

They won't be happy until I am Dead. This much I know. I have always known.

I need to leave this hell hole that attracted so much evil and hatred to me. Like barnacles on a pirate ship I flick them off, one by one. They tear into my flesh, rot and taint my joy. Keep me from Success. From Satisfaction. From coherence.

What do they want from me? Vampiric Fressers, draining my spirit. (They drained my wealth long ago through trauma).

Ahhh but yes. I turn shit to spiritual gold. I weave Life from Intangible threads of destruction. I spread Love and Comfort to the Broken and Torn. I light up my own eyes with Truth and a beauty that is unworldly, untouchable. Indestructible.

A child sees it. No human man can love it. Nor woman. Like the dust on a butterfly's wing as, to touch it, to rub it off means certain death from the inability to fly in the face of torment, misery, lies and betrayals.

You must not hamper a Free Spirit. We will surely die but we will take you down with us. Freedom is not a gift that comes unconditionally. It is a prize that is fought for and often hard-won.

It comes dripping in blood/tears/ other people's foul ejaculate. It is more precious than all the jewels on earth. More valuable than all the religious yearnings. It is died for. Purged and surged and forgotten. It is a cursèd Delight. Invisible like oxygen and just as binding for without it, we cannot breathe or hope for or dream.

Love. Freedom. Life force. The death cultists that make whips and chains for the Light bearers. That mock and deride us. We are coming for you. Have no fear. We are here! We SEE you.

Comment from 2017: I prayed to be healed (explicitly to be brought into perfect alignment so I can be made ready for the next phase of my life and hopefully to be with a man I love very much).

Needless to say I did not suspect in my wildest nightmares that the healing would involve the death of my father, the unwanted submission to accept his ashes, their arrival at my door, the scattering of them, the weird spiritual signalling via number plates (Jarrod joked that it was Number plate ouija).

Then the arrival that very same day of my childhood letters to you dear Margaret. Reading them when I was already distressed (a choice!) to discover my horror and desire to escape Gisela (who had hit me in the face over a triviality and I had stated that I hated her).

Why did I stay so long with all those abusers? Why did I go back to help her (them) again and again? Where were they when I needed protection, defending, basic respect or love???

Then on the weekend more emotional turmoil. Shitful bad timing. Or perfect timing. Certainly things not my doing, not in my control, not even my fucking monkeys or my circus.

People think I can fix them. It is asking too much. I can only attest to my own survival and ability to guide in the right directions. But I cannot get in the sinking boat and row it for anyone.

Anyway it has brought me low but I will climb up again.

I am alone in this life. We each of us are. Bottom line: alone. Some are blessed to have loving partners, children. Family.

I have myself. A few rare true friends. But I came alone and I will leave alone.

That is the way of the world.

Update 25 April 2019: two years later and I am still Struggling but life is slowly healing for me. I will get better. I will have all the most precious things I dreamed of: real love, joy and freedom. It’s coming!

Update 25 April 2025: Interestingly that line: “I am feeling like an untethered long trailing ribbon, flying in the wind” was what was shown to me at my near death in 25th June 2019…I was following a long flailing red ribbon, when I became conscious that I had not inhaled so was dying.

It was a very trippy experience. I started to panic then felt this immense peace but the gods sent me back to “a hellscape of epic proportions”. I inhaled. Came back to this life. I fought like a demon…for this….astonishing.

But on I go…living my very best life…one fucking breath at a time. Holding my own…Alone. Better…not bitter. Fuck my Haters.

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The greatest gift any woman can have is to Know Herself, her own female power or mystique and to make peace with her own inner masculinity as well.

After that, no one but G-d can get in her way. G-d counts a woman's tears and raises her on high and strengthens and ennobles her. Be very careful how many times you try to destroy her. She is Earth, and Salt and fire.

@ Esther Kohn. I visited your mother's grave on Sunday (Yom hashoah). I felt a great sense of strength and peace from her. She is no longer attached to that grave. I was happy for her. She was/is a wonderful spirit. A loving kind and powerful woman. Few realised her true beauty and Mana.

I loved her. She brought joy to my life in a time when I had little joy. In this foul community of slanderers. Traitors. Murderers. Child molesters. We know the truth. But she is Free.

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25 April 2014

4.45 am. Home alone naturally, with Miss Penny purring cacophonously at my side.

I had a great night at Irish Murphy's dancing to Jabba with my friends. Some psycho hassled me (this happens almost every time I am out) and I lost my temper but it was all sorted in the end.

I finished off my night at Casino with Jo and then drove her home. She let me take her car back to my place so I could get home. So we will be swapping cars over tomorrow.

My feet hurt from all the frenzied dancing.

Time to sleep now. Laila Tov! (Good night)!

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In memorium of warriors and survivors of all wars. The trauma left behind is generational and far-reaching. My own family were severely affected on both sides of WW2.

My mother growing up during the Nazi Regime, my step-father Cornelis Van Der Greft as a survivor of Mittel-bau Dora under the mountain in hand-built tunnels at Nordhausen, forced slave labour to build the V1 and V2 rockets.

My father's line were honoured in the Maori Wars and an uncle lost at the Dardanelles. My grandfather also served in WW1 and 2 as a Home Guard.

I guess I come from a long line of Warriors even as far back as the Teutons and Vikings. It's hard to feel pride in government sponsored Slaughter, rape and pillage but I honour those who fought with Valour to preserve their family and freedom.

Never again must we stand by while genocide happens and let us pray for a world without war, famine or strife so no more women and men need fight and lose life and limb.

I am a Survivor too, of their trauma inflicted upon me in their own damaged styles of Might Vs Right and their own brand of Survival.

Now I seek to thrive to live with Dignity, Love and Respect but the Warrior Remains entrenched in my psyche and after a lifetime of abuse and hellish enmity perpetrated against me by shallow evil greedy people...trust me, I will fight to the Death if I have to.

Such is life. It's nice to be living in peace and relative safety which is a precious gift my forebears fought and died for.

Lest we Forget!

Update 25 April 2025: Then Covid came…another genocide…and everybody but me went along with it. Harrowing!

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25 April 2011

Gail just left. She popped in for a nice cup of tea and I had two glasses of wine. Not bad for a chronic sleeper. LOL. I'm so lucky to have genuine friends to lighten my day.

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I had a lovely long visit with my daughter Crystal yesterday. She arrived around 7 pm and we had coffee at Mc Cafe then stayed at my place and we chatted until 4 am. I'd spent the afternoon cleaning the mould off my ceilings and doing dishes so I was quite tired at 4 am. I woke up today at 4pm lol. 12 hours sleep. Must have needed the rest.

25 April 2010

thanks the Universe for providing much needed recycled bricks for free! Yayyy, I love being a schnorrer and this after I spent the day thinking about ways of finding cheap or free bricks for my garden edging...from my lips to G-d's ears, we came upon a skip outside a house full of bricks and asked the householder for some. Woohoooo!

25 April 2009

What's new Pussycat, miaou, miaou miaou????

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hmmm life is beautiful and interesting and an enigma and a miracle and oh well...life as you know it. A day in the life of an undiscovered, underdeveloped, misunderstood genius like me....hahahah megalomania gone wrong! Actually I wish I were a genius ;-).

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons