Memories: 23 August 2025

23 August 2025

7:04 am Shabbat Shalom. Good morning. The sun is shining and there is a golden light uplifting the void of the putrefying grey façades of the residential malaises (if not actual evil…) Hah.

I am awake in the psychedelic dreaming…feeling a bit better but my lungs feel like plastic exosomes instead of flesh and blood.

The metamorphosis has come at a hefty price. But I am transmogrifying into someone truly amazing. A living-dead-living post-Covidian shellshocked Mama T manatee.

Great Spirit has me firmly in His grip. Holds me precious. Enfolds me in sweet loving determined arms. “You’re here on earth for a reason, Tanya, my little one”

Yes? What is your will, oh Creator of all that was/is/ever shall be?

“That you shall truly live…fully, vibrantly, joyously and that you experience real enduring mortal love, that you are cared for and protected. That you Become…again and again…. after every malfeasant slaughter of your immense gracious and stoic spirit.”

I am humbled, grateful …and terrified.

“Yes Little One. But eagles wings fly you to your Destiny. Hold you high up in blue sunny skies. You are never alone. We are with you for the triumphant Return. Now Dance in your spirit. We sing you Home!”

(I smile and nod.)

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A huge thank you and shout out to Woolworths Camp Hill for treating me like a queen when I got to the checkouts and all of the manned ones were closed and I was in the verge of going berserk at having to use the automated ones. The nice young redheaded man (redheads rule babies!!!) put me through the express checkout instead.

I told him I was born with red hair and we are not like other people…lol..plus I have old ladyitis and just the thought of having to put my full shop through the automated machines was sending me troppo!

They were extra kind to me. I am so appreciative of that extra bit of service. Supermarkets are triggering for me at the best of times but when I am in this supercharged state Arggghh.

It’s lovely to have a human serve me and treat me with kindness and respect!

People have been so lovely to me in recent weeks. I wonder if it’s cos I have blood on my eye or if we are all trying to get extra brownie points before the Project Blue-beam psy-op impending “invasion” lol.

Or perhaps people are just happier cos spring is coming after a rather cold winter. (And I was wearing animal print which sends them into minor frenzies too…lmao…nah that’s not fair as even a young female staff member at the deli was super kind to me).

Either way… I will enjoy the kindness while it lasts. 🙂

23 August 2024

23 August 2023

It’s a glorious day. I have a debrief with my psychiatrist this afternoon. Then I booked to go to a poetry reading at 6 pm. It randomly came up on my fb so I decided rather spontaneously, to go along. It might be interesting!

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https://youtu.be/HIO78SJI8mg?si=28u8y_h-PFoSDdJI

23 August 2022

I woke up at 6:30 am. (I set my alarm for 7:30! ) I am excited about going to visit Ailsa. Bobo goes running out to bark. It was “Blueboy” and his elderly English mum. So I went out to chat with her. In my nightie. (Not a see-through whimsical item but a solid below-knee length item!)

Damon comes by holding his baby Ayla. “Aren’t you cold?” He says. I just grin. “I am a little bit but we wanted to say hello to Blue and his mum!” He looks at me warmly but still a bit concerned.

Yes Damon…older women no longer care about hiding our forms completely, eviscerated by layers of clothing for false modesty. The nightie is perfectly respectable. It buttons up to my neck.

I am not a card carrying member of the Taliban. But it’s sweet he worries about me getting cold. We carry on chatting, Blue’s Mum and I.

Now I am back inside, contemplating getting ready for my visit. I might take a shower and wash my hair. I have to wash it every two days now as I am still weak. Gahhh.

But today is a glorious day and we shall enjoy every moment! As we always strive to do!

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Joe of Blessèd Memory used to like to buy my girls Chocolate Rabbits at Easter (even though at that time I was running a kosher home lmao). He was always full of joy and mischief.

My girls still remember his “chook chook” song:

Chook chook, chook chook

Lay an egg for me

I haven’t had an egg since Easter

And now it’s half past three.

We used to laugh and laugh and I would roll my eyes. But I adored him.

He would call me up when they arrived on holidays and say “It’s your boyfriend here!” I would get all uptight and uppity and say starchily “I don’t have one!”

Ahem. Then he would say “Yes you dooo, it’s me Joe Harris. Hang on I’ll put Kit on”. Then we would all laugh!

Well Joe, I still don’t have a bf. You are still my only one hahaha.

Oh my, another funny memory of Kit (who later reclaimed her name of Catherine!) and Joe. (Her maiden name was Phillips too!)

But anyway when we went to Shule services at Temple Sinai in Ghuznee Street Wellington it got a little crazyyy. I was very young when I converted. 19 but had been attending services since I was 17. So anyway after the services we always had a kiddush (blessing over wine and bread and then cake and sandwiches etc.

As soon as there was kiddush, a line would form. For Shabbat Shalom kisses from “The Tanya” of course. I did not mind too much, as many of the congregants were elderly. Some were Shoah (Holocaust) survivors who had never had children or grandchildren and were quite elderly.

I think my cheeky rascal Joe started it. He would say “Where’s my Shabbes kiss?!” So I would kiss him and Kit, whom I both adored. Then next week the line got longer. It was cute and hilarious and the joy in all their faces made the slightly creepy feeling subside.

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Catherine and Joe Harris. Those were taken January 2005. The first and last time I went back to Wellington NZ. They loved me greatly. They took me to their favourite smorgasbord.

I was very ill. Fat and bloated on heavy psych meds. Zyprexa. Vile drug. I had gone “home” for a 3 week holiday. I was staying with my halfsister Angela. She was a total bitch. My brother-in-law acted out also.

So my dear friends, Taly and John, and “Kit” and Joe rallied around me and spoiled me lavishly with great affection, meals and kindness. I also flew to Auckland for a weekend to visit Lynne Robertson.

It was the last time I saw them all. I also visited Rosalyn Hoedemaeckers who drove me to Makara cemetery so I could visit Hilda and Harry Arons’s graves.

My sister and niece took me to my childhood home on the beach at Island Bay and when I looked up at the house a dam broke inside me. The house of molestation and physical abuse and so much mental/emotional torture.

I cried on that beach and it was like a soul retrieval. A young American man approached me and comforted me that I had grown up in such beauty. He thought I was crying from nostalgia. But it was deeper than that.

A deep chasm opened inside me. My sister and niece stayed further down the beach. Avoiding me in my pain. Cold as the grave.

But that kind American earth angel grounded me and yes…I felt deeply loved not for the first time by a stranger and the spirits in Island bay beach and that Tapu Teranga Island who had always nurtured me when my family of origin would not/could not.

Joe and Catherine were as always, a balm to my soul. Truly good, loving, sincere people. They always delighted in me and I always delighted in them. I was always looking for “family” as verily, I had none. An orphan to complex cumulative trauma.

I am always grateful for those kind souls who raised me up when I lay floundering, sponging the shadowlands, barely holding onto Life.

I salute you! All my Beloveds. Human and Animal, and Spirit.

23 August 2021

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I am very unwell today. So I got little done today. Apart from changing my bed linen and washing.

I felt weak all day. This evening I finally spoke to a woman at Optus who recommended I buy or borrow an HDMI cable as they think that is the fault. It’s also very likely the fetch box.

So another night without tv so I am watching Netflix on my laptop as I am sick of watching shows on my iPhone screen.

Tomorrow morning I am going to sit with Ailsa while her son Peter goes to the dentist.

Then if the storm holds off, Lyn will visit after midday.

So I am looking forward to seeing her.

23 August 2020

I got up at 9 am. Sat outside. Ate toast and drank a cup of tea. But the winds were so cold (even though it’s a beautiful Sunny day), that I felt chilled to the bone so I went back to bed.

Even in bed, cocooned in my doona I surfed hot and cold chills for a while. Told myself it’s not Covid but probably menopause that has been biting me back for the past few days (hot flashes are back, albeit mildly). I fell back asleep.

Now awake and facing the world at almost 2 pm. Whoa!

23 August 2019

3:19 am. Back to sleep I go. Thanks for the beauty, the kindness, the incredibly soul-nurturing determined love and for the happiness, my beautiful friends xxx

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My cousin Melvyn is changing “her” name to Melissia Rose. Very pretty. I am very proud of her journey, at 72 years of age. Oh, and her 3 adult sons welcomed her transition. That is Love, People.

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11:11 am. Washed my hair, dressed and put on my new boots. Looking Sassy! Mama T is going to Pet Barn to buy more cat food. Then to walk the dog then maybe let Magic unfurl in her dialectic diurnal variation.

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Last night Richie told me he loved my embroidered skirt. I said “I have owned that mexican embroidery since I was 16. It was a dress. I never throw anything out that is of intrinsic beautiful value to me so I asked my daughter to sew the remaining panel into a skirt”. “WOW” he said! Lovely man!

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She wrote into her will that I would only squander my inheritance. But she had already squandered mine during my adolescence. Hahaha.

I fought that Will Dispute as her ugliness, projections and Shadow almost made me kill myself. But this was one time I was going to fight for myself.

It was like a fucking hero’s journey and of course, yet again, I was financially raped. But I have a car and new teeth and warrior goddess attitude now.

And yet still many are so viciously envious of me. Evil perverted Dickheads. Would they have enjoyed or even survived my childhood, 20s, 30s and even 40s fighting daily to survive my family of origin????? I think not. Even I don’t know how I survived it. Fucccccckkkk!

Well, this was a rough hewn ride down memory lane. That was then...this is now. At 54 and 4 months...I have another extension of life and let’s hope it gets better. More Love (of the good kind!). Abundance. Joy, perhaps better health.

Precious time spent with people who value, respect, cherish and perhaps a partner one day who adores me, even in my poverty and kintsugi life!

Whateverrrrrrrrr! Lmao!

23 August 2018

Bit of a rough night but here I am, sipping tea and munching muesli in my glorious Sacred Space garden, in the sunshine of my 50s, loving life, my pets, my friends, my garden, and my gutsy shitstirring gall bladder (which really has to go!) But life is not-so-bad, when you finally get the hang of it.

I think it’s absurd that my psychiatrist has to advocate for me to get my gall bladder removed. It’s insane how this government lets ordinary people down. But they don’t factor in the fact that I have people who simply adore me, even in my worst end-state c-ptsd defunct health issues and a certain amount of righteous fury (‘cos “my bile is rising” ergo my temper extrapolates along with it.)

I have been very good at maintaining a relatively peaceful mien. Exhaustion will do that to you. But the fighter still remains. I will fight injustice and my own mortality until the day I die.

Then slip third base on the way to Valhalla and take no prisoners. The gods delight in me and uplift me, their fallen broken-down recalcitrant one.

Love is the Law and I am much Beloved. So I can kiss the face of G-d who denied me a life partner as he is the jealous one. Hmmm. Share?! Lmao!

Que sera sera! What will be will be. Valhalla/ The World to Come awaits. In the meantime...Look busy!

Copyright The Berserker. Tanya Désirée Arons

Update: 23 August 2019

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Feeling very weak today. Pain in left hip. Legs weak. Spent most of the day in bed. I just took Bobo and Charlie for a walk around the block which was slow and arduous but they need a walk. (Probably did me good to force myself to be active too).

I really don’t feel well at all. But each day brings its challenges and its rewards. Swings and roundabouts.

23 August 2017

My book of psalms has mysteriously disappeared. This is irritating as I have been reading Psalm 91 to cast out the spirit that is haunting the house lately. I guess the motherfucker hasn't heard of Google! I will cast Ye out Daemon.

I might have hurt my back, have a headache and I will continue to fight you!

The house is quiet for now but there were several strange occurrences on Monday while Jarrod was here. It probably wanted to put on a show or intimidate Jarrod. Well we are not easily intimidated.

This is my Sacred Space. My home. Probably the first and last home I will ever have. But my space!

23 August 2016

Today I spent time with Lyn and her neighbour Karl, singing Karaoke. I got to meet one of his baby Diamond Pythons. I was surprised that I was not afraid of the little serpent although I kept my distance from its much larger mother and father!

The sensation of it moving around my hands and arms was really interesting. I could feel its tiny body constricting and gripping as it moved around. It wrapped its tail around my diamond ring. Diamonds are a diamond python's best friend.

The strength in even such a tiny snake was amazing. I put him back in his cage and it slowly slithered back inside but was still gripping my finger with the end of its tail then suddenly let go. Very cool!

Update 23 August 2019: This was a watershed moment for me as I usually fear snakes. But the love this tiny baby serpent exuded to me was almost magical. I never thought I could love a snake that much.

23 August 2015

Trigger warning: post- suicide attempt.

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4.53 am came home from P A Hospital to complete carnage. I had no glasses (which I found in the bath just now) and no keys to get inside my house. I tried breaking into the backdoor flyscreen unsuccessfully, so I ended up smashing the window in my front wooden door to get in. Then had to vacuum the glass and will have to pay a glazier to come and replace the small window.

Also a bit unsettling to discover how easy it is to get in my front door by smashing the window. I need to lock the front fly screen. I have probably damaged the back security screen tonight as well, so I may have to pay for a new one, even though I couldn't get in. So pissed off.

To make matters worse someone, probably a paramedic, smashed my bottle of Jack Daniels, which I had barely had anything to drink out of. The cats got in my back room and destroyed all my set up for the findings so I will have to fix that all up.

Thank you to Rachel and Sally for feeding the cats and doing my dishes. That was lovely of you. I still feel very weak so I think I will be going straight to bed and will sort the jewelry findings tomorrow.

I need to hide a spare key for the house in case of future emergencies. Whoever dragged me out of the bath, put a dress on me that I also use as a nightie but forgot to give me knickers and a bra.

So it was rather odd, free balling at the psych hospital with nothing underneath. A nice young man I met there, also complained he had no underwear or shirt under his hoodie and tracky dacks. So it seemed that it is commonplace.

Anyway glad to be home albeit with a $589 fine from some bastard corrupt policemen who refused to listen to my complaint about the ongoing stalking from Lana and blamed me for everything. Scumbags. Also now a glazier job and possibly a new back door. That proved to be a very expensive night out.

I feel strongly that I was set up again, as happened at Irish Murphys. So many jealous vicious people who can't bear to see me dance and be happy and wild. Fuck them all. Motherfuckers. I hope Karma gets them and soon. I am so sick of being harassed, attacked and persecuted for standing up for my rights.

The worst of all is my new iPhone 6 plus was wet, so someone dropped it into the bath, probably when they were hauling me out. I have no memory or idea as I was unconscious and was surprised to wake up in the short stay emergency department.

So I have no phone now and it is only a few weeks old. That kills me the most as my phone is my lifeline, my entertainment, my facebooking, my all. So surviving all this shit to get even more shit is not really heartening.

I have no idea who called the police or sent the paramedics or what happened when they got in my house and found me? Julie says that I came to the back door, but I have no memory of being conscious or moving at all.

I have a huge bump on my head so must have fallen and a scratch on my nose which is a bit swollen. I must have been in black out. Quite frankly I am not happy about being alive. But I am grateful to come home to my cats, chooks and my beautiful friends who came to check on me at the hospital. Love you.

23 August 2014

I had an awesome night out with Sarah at Irish Murphy's. Jabba played beautifully.

It ended with drama and chaos when I stepped in to defend a woman friend from the pub. Some vile despicable creep called her the C word. Then he called me the same then it was on for young and old. The police were called. They told me they would fine the guy for being a public nuisance (good! $500 fine...double good!)

As my dear old pugilistic foul-tempered Dad used to say "I never started a fight in my life but I damn well finished every one!" I guess that is the only thing I inherited from him. My ability to fight abusers. Hohum. No fingernails broken.

Thanks to Lorrie and Scottie who dived in to protect me!

23 August 2011

I went out in the pouring rain for my debrief with my psychiatrist. He's a wonderful Doctor! Then I came back in the downpour and had to hide under a tree to put my coat on, but was already saturated lol.

So I came home and got out of my wet clothes and put on a nightie and I'm staying that way for the rest of the evening, thank you very much!

23 August 2010

Living life righteously and on the edge while maintaining one's right to freedom in an upside down world that is topsy turvy and twisted is like trying see the world through a purple haze and not knowing what the colours of our soul or the journey of our lives will lead to. No wonder I flip out like the flopping flabbergasted fish out of water.

It's all just so grossly unfair and wrong, and striving to stay sane in all the madness and ugliness is like chasing the pot of gold under the quickly disappearing rainbow. I guess this is all my "Karma" but it would be truly spiritual if Hashem would cut me some slack occasionally.

Especially as I don't have all the information and will probably never be able to reconcile why my path has been so bloody difficult. I really really hope it will all make sense in the End, but the Supreme Being and I really need to have a good old chat one day- Face to Face.

23 August 2008

is happy to be alive and relatively sane.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons