Memories: 22 August 2025

22 August 2025

8:07 am a long sleep. Only one interruption. I felt quite weak yesterday with asthma. Yuck. My blood oxygen stats dropped to 96% so I went to bed early. Best place to be.

Now another day meets me…it’s Friday. Shabbat Shalom (at sundown).

…

22 August 2024

11:11 am what news from the Angels? Create your own Magick! Shine bright like a Diamond even if they’re only on the soles of your shoes. No one needs to See them…you can just be smug and know they are there!

Hot shoe shuffling on that streetcar of Desire where the Désirée constantly bangs her drum and rings her bells…on a street named Diamond. Lol maybe I should change my surname to Diamond too. Tanya Désirée Diamond….hmmm maybe a little too much?! Lol! Ding ding ding went the bell! Oh wait…now I’m channeling Judy Garland.

Love the Ones who love you back: wholesomely, truly, with everything they are and everything they have…knowing you love them just as generously.

Open hearts and minds. Clean and Clear. Without doubts, sabotage or fear.

Welll, what can you expect? It’s the Angels!!! They don’t exist or love like mere mortals. Lmao! But it’s something I have ALWAYS aspired to.

A real authentic soul nourishing, comforting, equally adoring, cherishing, loyal, faithful mutually exclusive, convivial, communicative, devoted love partnership. Friends/Lovers/Soulmates who enjoy each other and have each other’s backs. (Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?!) 😉

Cos I know what the alternatives were like and…just Nup!

Grateful for my lovely brave determined friends who never ever turned their backs on me when the Life of The Tanya got a little too crazy. Love you all xx

Wee moment here!

Do you remember Désirée? You could only have her til the morning light… but that’s not strictly how she wanted it. She’s a long hauler. A stickler. A loyal loving heart so devoted and determined she loved until her own body turned to a dry shellacked broken husk.

Cheers to the man who will have the courage, the cojones, the sweet dedication to make her fall in love with him over and over again and blow Life “L’Chaim” back into her brittle bones, coagulated frozen veins and kinstuguied patched up heart and make her Bloom like a thousand petalled Lotus in every quadrant and echelon and dimension of her existence. Of his own free will, with his own beautiful true heart!

I know, I know… INTENSE. Lol. But The Tanya has decided. It’s HER TIME to live fully and vibrantly again. No more ghosts, zombies, dead soulless evacuated out of their own mind/heart/soul shits. No more empty callow flaccid men.

Up She rises. Ms Arons regrets she’s unable to lunch today. She’s too busy creating her beautiful life with her gorgeous man. Meh! It could happen. Dream psychedelic dreamer….dream big.

22 August 2023

I woke up at 7 am. It’s now 10:45 am. It’s taken me that long to copy across my fb archives.

Today I am 8 years old in my rebirthing after the suicide attempt in 2015. 8 years old. It’s been a rough year this year. Full blown psychic and physical attacks (my health deteriorating!) escalating threats at the casino, and now my dog dying on 1st August.

It’s been another hell loop. The stuff of nightmares…enough to push me to suicide all over again. Like a repeat pattern, a curse, and an entropy.

But I am holding on. I don’t even know what for? Perhaps just my defiant stubborn choosing of life against the odds in the face of all my enemies. Because I do have people/souls who love me.

Some from vast distances of time and space, cheering me on. I am grateful for the time spent with Jarrod and Lyn and for the love and generousity of Sally too. I am grateful for Life: recalibrated from every fissured fractalised state.

I am grateful for all my true friends, my beautiful pets in heaven or the next dimension and I am grateful for Charley, the goldfish, the wild bird friends and my neighbourhood dog friends too. I am grateful for The Dance!

Time to take a shower, wash my hair and greet the rest of the day :-)

22 August 2022

How sweet! Peter down the road just invited me to visit his mother whom I have not seen since she moved into the home. We will meet for lunch. She will get such a surprise!

…

Last night I was asked by a woman why I was not out dancing on Saturday night. A woman who had arranged with me a week prior but did not follow through. She apologised. Nice.

Playing me for a fool and disrespecting me is not so nice. But I let goo…let the powers that be stifle the misbegotten contracts between us.

I had looked forward to going dancing with her. Me…who makes it a longstanding habit to go out alone as I have tasted treachery and misery out in that scene with its callow sadistic superficial cliques. Oh I know well how that goes! Which is why it is rare that I even open up to the offer to go out “a deux” or in a group.

There is a reason why I dance alone on my infamous spot. Arrive alone….Go home alone. There is a freedom and a protection in that. Not being held responsible for others’ capricious or inchoate or insensible drunken whims…yeah?! Or other backstabbing malevolences they try to disguise behind their false smiles.

So Saturday morning arrived and I thought “Oh good…I will go out with this person” and I was looking forward to it.

But my spirit people were clamouring around my auric field. “It’s a psychic vampiric game” they said “an attempt at domination. A fools game to make you feel included, when really they are just taking the piss!”

“Surely not”, I replied. “Who would play such infantile games of exclusion?” but we have been through this before with other women in that scene who shall remain nameless as their names are just ingrained muck under my boots now…she of the stinking treacherous moveable vagina of note. Lmao. No, not my arse…her arse.

I remember well how after damaging every potential friendship and love affair out in that fetid scene, how she dragged her crusted tattooed fanny after me a few years later to crawl after me (in person mind you, begging forgiveness!)

Not enough drugs to heal that open cesspit of a wound. I told her she was pathetic and let her go in peace with the gods of my understanding, as I know it was a train wreck without end and my part in that play was over.

It was a kind of forgiveness, I suppose. The bathos of broken female friendships can be more cruel than the perilous penile penetrative ones with their cumming and going then lurking for eons with grand regrets. The feckless curs. Lol. I have to laugh. Comedy wrested from insanity. Keeps me alive and amused.

But true love is true love and authentic friendships too, and they create soul attachments and cords which can leach one of energy, vitality and soul for as longgggg as we dumb motherfuckers let these parasites feed. These fake shallow empty demonic infested souls that fake friendship or connectivity so well.

So here we are: rinse and repeat.

Saturday…which was day 3 of nightmares but Wise Tanya bitten by evil before, sat up and took notice. What news from the underworld…the other worlds?

Well it was a cloying flapping energy that surrounded me all day (hmmm the name Atziluth just inserted itself into my autocorrect text unbidden…I will look up its meaning shortly!) I decided that it was a warning from spirit as it felt so intense and persistent and almost histrionic. I knew it was not mine. I had woken up happy, in spite of my weird arse trauma dreams.

So my little Wiccan friend….I was warned that you were being either insincere, or setting me up. That’s why I did not go out.

I spent the day pushing up against that energy all day. I made two pairs of earrings. Joyously and triumphantly. Then the cloying, demanding, needy flapping of demonic energy started batting at me like moths splattering on a light source, building and building in intensity as the day went on and again…I knew it’s not mine.

So I got out a wooden box and a wooden art case I rescued from the side of the road. By now late afternoon, I was exhausted from sanding down a jewellery box that I had made a bit of a mess of…but I am working hard at recalibrating, restoring old shit from my childhood and making things beautiful again. Working at creating new things too.

Working, working for no monetary imprecation other than my own satisfaction that I am not quite the loser or the fool or the castoff that many of you think me. Proving only to myself, my latent beautiful bounteous talents and my spiritual gifts that were earned in the very same coalescing coagulating coalface that your (our) ancestors and their Demonic riders in the Sturm and Drang were spawned from!

Get it?! …Aber nein. Quell dommage. The damage is not mine to clean up.

So by 8 pm after hours of sanding boxes (smell my box?!) I was too exhausted to go out dancing alone, which I had decided to do because…fuck anyone who tries to steal my light, my joy, my warrior goddess dance, my defiance.

Yeah? Nah. My lungs ached and my feet hurt as though I had already been dancing for hours, so I went to bed.

No message, no communication. No harm, no foul. My spirits had warned me it was bullshit. I am okay with it…really truly.

So she messaged me last night “Where were you?” Not dancing with you. For sure.

She apologises. I accept. Always accepting the unfuckingacceptable because I am sanguine like that. But that is not what amazed me.

It’s the spirits that came to me as electric frenzied batwings during that day. Fluttering all around me like bats let out of a dark cave. But they could not enter my auric field. Batted all around me a foot or two away. Feckless detachable toes. Not too close, but irritating all the same.

So now you know, why the hell I did not go…or play into your game. Half the time I am not dealing with authentic humans and this was long before our current zombified apocalypse although this makes life even more fraught and well…dark. Also isolating.

But I fear no Thing and No One but God and I don’t fear God in the Christian sense either because my God is bigger than all that passive aggressive paedophiliac rapey misogynistic treachery dressed up as Jesus on his own torture/murder device! So there is that.

My Wiccan friend should know better.

I told her we had much to teach and learn from each other. But alas for her, she is inconstant so not up to the task.

I have not removed you as a fb friend. Since you like to keep an attachment…based on what? Curiousity or schadenfreude? This is your chosen hell loop. You may remove yourself if you wish.

But remember this: I have a soft spot for the witches and the magickal and yes, have been known to have actual love affairs with the Demonic. So my gift to you is: Peace.

The fool is on her precipice. About to launch into the abyss, but what does she clutch in her purse: her own mortality. And the gifts keep giving but only the truly Noble and Worthy are capable of Receiving.

End of transmission. Over and out. Schadenfreude junkies…get a fricking room! You flesh eating, soul stealing, fressing fucks! (Oh wait…Projection…). Giggles.

IT’S HILARIOUS! (thank you my Angels!)

PS "Atziluth or Atzilut is the highest of four worlds in which exists the Kabbalistic Tree of Life. It is also known as "near to God." Beri'ah follows it. It is known as the World of Emanations, or the World of Causes". Wikipedia

Like pearls before swine…my angels throw me these little reminders.

The world of emanation. From the dross comes the gross. The gloss, the golden manifestations…the making of a Wo(man) 🙂

I might have to sage my iPhone as AI is sentient and playing with my fragile little Mind. Not so fragile though.

I was born…and re-born…cast back to earth a dozen or so times…just for this specious Epoch.

…

Today I am 7 years old. 7 years of surviving my suicide attempt. A recalibration that was a descent into the bowels of Hell but brought ME back. A strange gift only the gods could mete out.

7 years old was a hell loop that reverberated in my life like a shitstain that could not be cleaned. Oh we tried Judeo-Christian “forgiveness”. That didn’t work. So now We leave it up to the gods to decide . De-I-Cide? I Deify.

Lol.

Happy birthday Tanya. Your new birthing came just a few years shy of the worst, or if not worst, the most treacherous and ignoble genocide in history…for your (cough cough) health, you know. Literally backdoored us…floored us.

But you were sent back twice in the past 7 years and for what? For bubkes! But for the laughter, the Dance, perchance to entrance, enchant, incant, the triumph and the sanguine gnostic waiting…ever waiting…for my Illusory One True Love (Hack!)

The spirits constantly tell me he is coming back but I can’t discern whether it is a sad pathetic delusion or trickster spirit lies!). Time will tell. Time tells all eventually…like dinosaur bones in the crust of the earth.

My time is Now. Not one to wait forever. But how longggg is forever. A last gasp of the dying or the birthing enriching breath of the newborn. A longggg eternity. And in between just a long drawn out melodrama without very good or well paid Actors.

Exit stage left. Exeunt Demons...you dogs of hell…but I digress…

The spirits were singing me a melody from “O brother where art thou” as I cleaned and refilled the birdbath for my visiting kookaburras who are very active lately (gathering for spring, my darlings!)

I had to laugh…always that slave, prisoner/survivor of abuse motif. I wonder when my ancestors from other lifetimes will just get off my back (literally and figuratively!) and let me reclaim my truest deepest most authentic Power…and be free of Their victim mentality that I have tried to shuck off like a dead fetid albatross since infancy but still they deny me Love, prosperity, and support except for the very rare and precious Few who See me.

Hmmmm.

Time to kiss my albatross, make love with the dead and dying aspects of my failures to thrive…birth a new paradigm for the void of my carved out uterine cavity. Flesh of my flesh, heart of my heart…soul of my soul…wherefore art thou?. (I saw him hiding in the shadows watching me last month…afraid of the only woman who truly loved him… and so it is…a refrain on repeat. Sing it Bitches!)

Come out come out wherever ye are. The Master is pulling the strings, the dead are dancing, the new life begins. In freedom. In joy, in blitzkrieg blindening phosphorescent restorations. Bzzzt. Game over Red Rover. Meh!

lol I think the song was “This is a man of constant Sorrow” but I Defy even the gods. I listened to “ O Death” with great affection but I settled on this message instead. The river Styx where all our karmas are purified. Or so I pray.

…

7:25 am (night) 5 of intense dreaming. This time I dreamed of Skatie! What the fuck? My ex Courtenay’s best friend who threatened me with a samurai sword and I came close to murdering him that night. I haven’t spoken to the filthy drug soaked meathead cunt since. Nor would I want to.

But the “dead” or rather shades from the past are visiting my dreams thick and fast. I have no idea why. Perhaps a clearing out of old trauma threads that therapy and Time have not quite dissolved (solved!) some things only settled after my enemies actually died. And even then one came to hammer on my door with his ghostly fists as he dared not cross over without his unholy Long Goodbye.

Skatie is a David too. Lol!

Anyway I don’t think he’s dead but the dream was intense.

I was sitting in my big kitchen in the house I rented before this one in Wardle Street. (In real life Skatie has never visited me in that house as it was before I met that a schlub Courtenay).

Anyway it was an afternoon, gleaming light coming through the windows and I felt content.

A man comes to the door. I don’t know him but I invite him in. I think he might have been some kind of salesman. He sat down and I offered him a cup of tea. We were getting along fine. Just talking amicably. (I can’t remember the topics of conversation) but I took particular notice as in real life, it’s rare that I invite strangers into my home and sit around chewing the fat.

Next thing Skatie comes storming through the front door and marches across the front living room and into the kitchen. Stops and stares briefly at the man I am talking with. Plonks himself down in a chair like it was the most normal thing in the world that he has invited himself into my space (including my dream space). Lucidly my hackles rise…another one not welcome everrr into my dream space!

I look at him “why are you here, Skatie?” The nice man looks at my face and goes white. He gets up and moves into the living room and sits down and waits there (also unusual…a veritable stranger making himself comfortable in my lounge while I deal with an old enemy!) I almost have to laugh.

So Skatie looks at me like a very broken ghost dragged out of Catholic purgatory. ”I need to talk to you!” He says meekly but with determination.

I roll my eyes. “What for? You bloodless cur! How did you get access to my house? What do you want?”

“I just need to talk!” I let him talk. Long long talking, his words tumbling meaninglessly. Perhaps I was even disassociating in my dream, as I sat and listened, but can’t remember what he was jabbering on about either.

But the feeling I got was he wanted forgiveness and I am not one to offer forgiveness unless I see real contrition and changed behaviours. And that meat sack knows better than that…yes he does…even in the Dreaming, the Astral he fucking KNOWS. Never fuck with The Tanya.

But true to form he finishes talking and goes and lies down in the spare room and passes out. (Just like in real life…soaked in drugs and exhausted!) Scottish background. Born to a 13 yo old mother. A child of abuse.

I could show compassion for another survivor but I don’t. There is no forgiveness for those who walked in similar moccasins but showed me no kindness or honour but instead betrayed, cheated, and tried to or threatened to…kill me…the Dogs!

But…Psy sighs…the psychedelic dream continues…I sit in my kitchen thinking, what the fuck? Why is one of my enemies sleeping like a hellhound gatekeeper in my spare room and I did not know how to get rid of the other male visitor either. (In real life I would just yell “fuck off outta here!”)

Then the dream shifts focus! I have been robbed, the front room stuffed with all of my mother’s China and crystal and valuable jewellery (is emptied out!)

In real life most of it was long gone before I inherited it (in particular her valuable jewellery, I only got the “leftovers” and the market stock lol).

Anyway I go searching to see what is missing. Sanguine. Chilled to the bone. The next day I go out to the front room and the thieves have been back and stolen everything! Every stick of furniture!

For some reason this really enrages me. That the same crooks would descend on my home twice in two days and take everything. I call the cops. Useless as usual, even in the dream state. They ask me why I didn’t report earlier. Victim blame.

I get a sense while dreaming that this dream is no longer about my past enemies wanting recalibration or forgiveness but about my present condition, torn from loved ones (my adult children) from true lovers (tricksters) and from a sense of safety or of abundance (although that comes and goes like a trickling desert well).

Fuck, I think. Skatie walks over to me and his nose is red and bulbous with a smut of white substance that looks like icing sugar. Like a dear friend or a mother, I wipe the powder off his nose in a gesture so natural that neither of us mark how unusual that intimacy is.

It’s a dream, Tanya, it’s not real. Nay but the spirit shade motherfuckers are very real. I called upon Papa Legba after a spirit followed me home from Mt Gravatt cemetery last week. I made him an offering of coffee beans on his crossroads. The boundary between life and death and the four directions. So this is his answer. Coming to me in dreams.

It’s all good. I have perfect trust in the gods. They are preparing me for what is to come. There is sweetness amidst the horror. Always has to be harmonic resonance otherwise our minds just fucking snap! But have no fear, Little One is doing fine. She is dreaming again.

I had stopped dreaming for months so that was more alarming, plus the demonic death spiralling, the skin cancer excisions (which still hurt and itch like hell!), the treacherous useless dog of a doctor, that evil piece of shit…no extra penicillin for a dying asthmatic Tanya…May the gods smite her!!!

If not for Jackie sending me Flower essences, and my shaman friends sending me healing, and my own iron Will….well fuck…I don’t think I would have made it through this time.

But now we have the recalibrations, the settling…after months and months of very poor health. I still cough up dark coloured phlegm so not out of the shadowlands of death yet, but it’s not an accident that my spirit guardians are Azrael and Papa Legba, respectively an Angel of Death and a voudoun guardian of the underworld, as do I not live my life in DEFIANCE of monsters and of that languorous tangoing love-making beast, Death herself. Since Infancy!

One of the most ardent and longest relationships of my life. (Chuckling from the spheres…she knows…. I know. We all knowwww….now go!)

Even the Shades pay me obeisance and honour in my dream state. My enemies, those that if I had lived in ancient times without retribution from more cardboard cutout ineffectively protective misogynistic evil perverted state paid henchmen, I certainly would have killed, as they verily did not deserve to live after what they put me through…are now visiting me each night in my dreams.

I will take it as a mark of honour. As apologies none of those cunts were/are capable of while still breathing and a reminder that karma is a dish best served cold…that psychopaths play the Long Game but now with our Covid Epoch shifting gears…there will be no escape for them…or anyone and it’s not Death, the Great Nurse, we should be fearing but indeed the Colour of our Souls. There are some things that can’t be washed or permanent pressed out.

Like my mother’s old cardigan you can only dye it and Hope for the best. A second chance, or a thousandth recycling for a new beginning.

Same shit different day but every now and then you bounce into a different timeline on that pinball wizard’s machine in the kabbalistic Sephirot and the rot gets settled and the beauty, equanimity and peace (Shalom!) blooms and the gods of smite and spite have to take a siesta as their part of the play has been performed to the satisfaction of the Greatest of all Dreamers. And on we go…on our road to Nowhere…but Everywhere everywhere!

Life…l’chaim…is good. It’s time to dance in the eternal summerlands…while still living in our physical forms….and rejoice.

Day 6 begins…a new day. Papa Legba is laughing. He loves me so…. A true father. He has my back and my front. Unlike my mortal progenitors.

Skatie. We had a strange connection. Me as a Jew and him as a Neo Nazi. Yet he knew deep down NOT to fuck with me. It must have been an ancestral memory. He was of Scottish background after all. Or he knew that when a woman has nothing left to lose…she Becomes! And Becomesss…. And Becomes again.

Thrice the brindled cat hath mewed. Oh and why in the past two nights am I dreaming of Redheads? Again an ancestral connection to my Viking/Celtic origins. Hmmmm….interesting.

Weak men are bullies… the weakest, the most horrific of all… remember that!

I wonder how that ancient Catholic purgatory will work out for him? Hahahahahahaha…no….really? We strive to escape our origins but they are carried in our blood and those who threw aside their ancient bloodlines for the promise of a donut and a football ticket …well ….that folly will have implications for generations but you would not heed me. Or others that saw the danger.

We are living in a kind of purgatory already. But shhh…all we former zombies can do is…Dance! Honour our ancestors…the ancient ones…the guardians of our Earth. Live.

22 August 2021

4:20 am finally in bed. Finished carding the alpaca fleece. Omg! One more left to do. Two or three nights worth of work. Then I am done.

Time to sleep. Laila Tov/Boker Tov. This is weirdest breakdown I have ever had 🙂. 10 ft tall and bulletproof with the stamina of a team of dray horses.

…

10:18 am I just woke up after only 5 hours sleep. Yesterday only 6 hours. (What the fuck is wrong with me?!!) My hands are aching from all the carding last night until 4:30 am. The skin looks creepy and wizened like the hands of a much older woman.

I am starting to wonder if I have been “walked in” as it is so uncharacteristic to have this much physical energy, motivation, enervation and expansive psychic energy as well. It feels like an Angel has wound my usual Zombie state up into some weird kind of automatonic frenzy. I am even fighting much needed sleep now! Lol!

I will have to soak my hands in Epsom salts as they are so painful.

I wonder what awesome manifestations I will co-create with the Multiverses today?

…

Today marks the occasion of my attempt to slide fourth base out of this life in 2015.

So in effect it’s a second birthday because my capricious trickster gods vomited me back to earth.

Hmmm. Saved me for a life of isolation, Covid paradigms and other epic evil shit I can’t bear to think about!

But I hit the ground running and in recent months I have been busier than I can ever remember.

I am trying to create a beautiful life for myself in spite of the grief and horror and other stuff going on.

What can I say? My wool is almost all carded, and I have a snake bracelet in silver that I worked on for two days as well. Worth being alive for…No?

Happy Survival day Tanya! You are quite a woman! I am proud of you! (Rolls eyes!)

This day also marks the death of my beautiful dog Bella Rosa back in 2013.

Awful. So much loss. I am quite wrung out from it all.

Oh well. Time to sleep.

…

I had another lovely day with the sublime weather! I just got home from West End (Full Moon) Drumming circle. I took Beauregard with me for the first time in a year.

He loved playing with Ivy, Belinda’s Belgium Griffin but was his usual cantankerous self with other dogs walking by. Except for the Greek lady’s two little shitsus whom he smiled at and wagged his tail.

He actually played quite energetically and enthusiastically with Ivy which was lovely as he rarely plays with other dogs.

He made friends with the women sitting either side of me. Sweet boy, really!

The moon has risen and it’s enormous and spectacular. I feel all tingly from the energies. Lovely!

22 August 2020

2:40 am I can’t sleep. Menopausal Hot flashes. High energy (ringing in my ears). Even Bobo just ran through the house barking loudly. Hmmm.

I had a good day yesterday. Knitted a faery. Watched “Rita”. Oh well. I had a hot bath late at night. (Hoping to relax my muscles).

I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough. (No idea what?!)

…

10:46 am I got up to a blustery wind and an epic dust storm that as I suspected swung back with a vengeance. My asthma is bad. Shit happens.

I will stay inside and carry on with my knitting. 🙂

…

Fifth anniversary of kickstarting my life from a crash and burn. Wow! So much to achieve even at this last phase of my life. Grateful for the universal punch in the face that brought me back to this growth period.

I wish the demon that came back with me would stop taking my pets and money and opportunities to thrive in love.

But I have no say in karmic shitkicks and can only hold on...slip slide my Self to Home base...eventually.

22 August 2019

I woke up with pain in my liver. But...I feel very loved and supported by my truest deepest loves. My friends, my animals and the spirits.

Something beautiful is transmuting in my life. I can feel it. G-d has my back. I am humbled and grateful. A promise is kept.

I have only to nurture my heart and heal my body and the gifts and blessings are flowing to me, through me and surround me in safety, comfort, love and bliss. It’s been a long time coming but it was worth it. :-)

I think it is the drain site that is inflamed internally. My entire right side hurts. Re-thinking having the endoscopy on 24 Sept. It is just another opportunity for the govt to “kill” me. Not even fully recovered from the last surgery.

And by the way, I know Housing Commission is deliberately not spending money on fixing my house properly, or painting it or fixing the stumps! Or renovating the kitchen or bathroom which was a gaslighting lie I was told a year ago!

Why? I am surrounded by an affluent area that is systematically demolishing their old homes and putting up modern fancy ones. I get it. I would do the same if I had money.

But my little post war cottage is on very desirable land. They all Wantssss my Precious They does. As it belongs to the government guess who will be squeezed out of her home so some greedy perniciously evil cunt in my neighbourhood can buy the land I currently occupy.

(Of course I don’t own this land or house but it has been my home for over 16 years!)

So yeah cosmic promises and euphoric fantasies are lovely and I welcome my own intuitive notions but Shit is getting very real 🙂

11:11 am. Hear me Universes. Let me have a beautiful safe Home until the day I die. Thank you!

…

22 August 2018

Today is the anniversary of the death of my beautiful doggess goddess Bella Rosa. 5 years!

It is also the day I hit the reset button on my life in 2015. I sometimes can’t believe how events culminated in that decision and yet still, G-d/the angels and my very psychic friend Julie Goddard came to save me. Spirit kept nagging her until she did!

So um...here I am three years later. Not much has changed. I am still Me. But under my skin I have metamorphosed into a new kind of Tanya. I realised not dying that day was a hellish kind of inconvenience. But I also realised that something bigger than my own willpower insists I keep living. (Even with my many and varied health problems).

Many strange and supernatural things happened after that suicide attempt. I went off all my psych meds 10 months later and as soon as I weaned off the last antidepressant I was haunted by a former lover for 4 consecutive nights. It was weird enough to drive most people back to psych meds but I knew it was long past time I had closure from that fucking ghoul and it came in a rather unusual miraculous way.

Love is Eternal (and in my case Infernal!) Too many men had tried to kill me and faked love for me but I have held on, steadfast, to my Love. Love for myself, my Beloveds, Life itself. Fuels me like no other lover.

Now I am getting older, wiser and even though I am battling yet another illness my Will remains fiercely strong.

I love this body, this short fat Hobbit woman’s body. I love this Mind. I love my Soul. I love the eternal flame of fiery passion that still burns for another. That flickers and flares and inflames in spite of the desolation and desecration of my sacred stoic Love.

Fearsome, awe inspiring it drove him away. I lick my wounds like the cat that fell to Earth from a 9 storeyed building, shake it off.

Brrrrrrrrreowww! Bazam! Booyakashah. Abracadabra. Back in da room!

I was not created for an ordinary life. Even though I craved a peaceful loving comfortable existence. By the gods was I thrown into the fray and came out victorious each time! I never started a fight in my life but I finished every single one.

Oh how they prospered by their attacks on me! But I fly away, lifted up on eagles’ wings, carried like precious carrion, handed like a baton to another and another as each eagle grew weary, another took its place.

I was a heavy burden. But so loved and so valued by my true kin. I became a golden child, and learned to fly myself for the last part of my journey. But the gods could not trust me with my wings. I have a long habit of falling to the very gates of hell and I wanted out.

Nay, they sent me Julie, and off I went again. But I realised something. I was wanted and needed here. No lover wanted me. (Except to fuck and dump!) Unworthy!

But by the gods my friends cherish me and my daughter loves me and my non-human Beloveds, my animals and the spirits and my wolvish kin.

Get out of my way, Ye olde vampires and zombies and betrayers of The Tanya! I am pushing myself through to a new kind of existence.

It’s been three years (2 years free of psych medications that did no good to my psyche or spirit because I am fucking treatment resistant and I desire to Thrive while staying Alive).

I am jiving my turkey and strutting my stuff and breathing free of false loves and empty soulless fuckery and honouring the goddess within and I took every punch on the chin but still, still stood up and was counted amidst men and gods and Survivors to Thrivers.

I write my prayers in virtual reality for the entertainment of the vainglorious and capricious but I am Seen and Heard and Validated and Loved so that I suppose, is why I am still here while in this hologram called Earth, with all its wonder and beauty and magic and blistering Bliss.

Grateful HAPPY (never ever ever thought that was ever going to manifest!) Woman here.

Blessed Be! My friends, the Holy One and his Magi. Those who honoured me when Life got too much and are still...3 years later, cheering me on.

Your platonic courageous stubborn Love is much appreciated. I would not be here without you. Amen v’Selah.

…

Trigger warning: spiritual abuse, mention of genitalia.

>

>

Yesterday I turned to my daughter Crystal and said “I don’t think I can truly identify as a Jew anymore”. Deadpan, cold. No emotion connected to it.

I waved to the Shabbat candlesticks, and the Pesach plate and the Besamin (spice) box, the shofar (I never got a sound out of it ever! Lol!)“Do you want this stuff?” She shrugged.

It is a moment of deep deep sadness, after all I fought so long and hard for. HaShem whom I even emblazoned on my arm! My Holy One.

Who sent me into Gehinnom and lifted me up by the scruff of my neck when S/He/It had to. Saved me from 3 strangulations and various sexual assaults during my adulthood. (Or did I save myself? Or was I just “lucky”?

Laughing my arse off. My stubborn tochas, dragging on the ground, taking my guts and glory with me. One hand in my pocket, flicking the bird, blood in my eye and a zest and yearning for true love and justice. (Never got either of them....yet!)

But Be’ezret HAShem, I will have what is truly Mine before this life is done and dusted, encrusted with decay and loss, I raise my Standard, Woman Warrior Goddess of all that is/was/will be.

Maybe not a Jew anymore. Maybe just a soul trying to make her way Home, trying to make sense out of the nonsensical bullshit that is her Life. Trying to make peace with it and find a miraculous resurgence of Truth, Beauty, Love and The way of this little old Tanya. Not a Jew but not forsaken by the One who Knows All, Sees all.

I have fought too long, too hard. But I am glad of my fight. Proud of who I always was. Jew/Heathen, child, woman. Lover, unloved. Fierce. Fragile. Desolate. Fulfilled. Fleshed out. Full embodiment of my own inner tiny Spark of G-d.

I threw out all my Kabbalah notes from that class many years ago where I was humiliated and debased by the perverts but still went each week, until their discussion of my vagina got too much.

They fucking loved my vagina. Why? They couldn’t have it! Hahaha. Giant vapid filthy dickheads. Well my Mana is not in my vagina but as it is the seat of my sacral power as a woman, it had them verklempt.

My yoni was stronger than their lingams and filthy forked tongues. (Even after surgery in 2007!). My yoni/my pussy/my femaleness that filled those vile creeps with such awe and envy.

So what did Kabbalah teach me? How to love G-d and embody G-d and fight like a demon for righteousness in filthy dark places that subverted holiness ie so-called Temples and synagogues where treachery and abuse ran rampant.

How many Rabbis did I witness being destroyed and how many fought alongside me? All gone now. All of it. The corrupt and the insane, the embezzlers and the inane, the child abusers and the adulterers. The murderers of women’s souls and their henchmen.

Where is G-d? Inside my slowly decaying gut. Belching and bellyaching and Bensching. Strong. Eternal. Joyous.

Blessed Be the Holy One, who creates the World each day anew and brings light and joy to my eyes. With whom I shall live for a thousand years in an eternal sunshine of a gracious kind.

Another day is dawning.

…

…

Just debriefed with my psych. He agrees that it is govt sponsored genocide that the hospital refused to operate on me. He says I am in the wrong demographic. Had I been the wife of a lawyer or accountant living the economical dream in Ascot, I would have been given the relatively simple operation.

He says he will advocate for me as having ongoing gall bladder issues will affect my mental health! Champion!

…

Having another stomach attack. Grrr. I took a panadol. Had a small one on last night also. So that was Friday, Tuesday and tonight. Getting a bit too frequent.

…

22 August 2017

Little Frieda hen died this morning.

22 August 2016

I abhor mediocrity.

…

22 August 2015

Trigger warning: suicide attempt

>

>

I have been fined and abused by Police at the Brisbane City branch for defending myself against a pernicious harasser. Also banned by the casino.

My crime? Refusing to leave the casino premises after I phoned 000 and they promised they would send police officers to attend. So I waited and defended my right to tell my side of the story without being brutalised and harassed by Security and later the police, who only attended after I made a second call to 000 but they denied receiving the second call.

One of the security guards attempted to break my wrist, in the lift. Twice. The police told me I was fined for refusing to leave a licensed premises, even though I had been instructed to wait for police attendance who did not arrive until I was sitting in my car.

I was not sure if I was over the limit. I was not drunk but didn't want to take the risk. I was however incensed and distressed at the set-up where again I have been targetted and harassed for standing up for myself.

This is the second time I have been humiliated and degraded for asking for my basic human rights. Too much to ask if you have a Vagina, love your freedom to dance and won't be fucked by every animal that comes your way.

I went with police to get my undeserved bullshit fine. I didn't want to have to come back on Sunday. There the Constable persisted in harassing me. As I left I told all the police in the front counter that he was negligent and abusive and shouldn't be a cop.

They forgot the batteries for the breathalyser when I asked to be breathalysed so I could go home. So they whined I was taking up resources and wasting their time. I said I am not the one to forget my batteries! He called me a stupid old bitch. Totally inappropriate and wrong.

I feel distressed violated and worst of all, set up by security at the casino who let Lana constantly harass me and then vilify me.

Sick evil bullshit. All of it! I am sick to death of this evil misognistic culture in Brisbane. So Lana wins, the casino supports abusers and harasses me, and the police back them up.

Evil evil shit. I have got to get out of this rotten filthy country. It is just too much.

Update 22 August 2023: interestingly I have been bullied, marginalised and harassed out of that dance space again, on Saturday 5th August 2023 when I went dancing as is my usual habit, only 4 days after my beautiful dog’s death. I was still in deep grief and feeling vulnerable and traumatised by the vet’s inactions and sadism.

The casino has been making me feel unwelcome for several months. Rudeness by bar staff (claiming they can’t hear me when I order my usual Jack Daniel’s) and increasing harassment from various entities there. I asked them what has changed as I have always danced (and sat to rest in the corner of the stage?) in that same “spot”.

Greg the tech guy told me I was not welcome in the new venue which will be 5 stars and they have already brought in”behaviour modification” eg not allowing drinks on the dance floor.

No…they want npc automatons with no heart, no soul, no joy and no fucking clarity of mind. Fuck them. There new venue will e a soulless plastic virtual reality…ie BORING!

I won’t miss them. After 12 years of abuse and stressors including be threatened that I will be stabbed in recent weeks. For what? For enjoying my usual Dance?! Living my best life…joyously, courageously, wholesomely and as usual defiantly.

They sabotaged me for 12 years from even meeting any potential partners with their viciousness and when I spoke out about it, they harassed me out of that space. Also for defending my friend Sigal as they got rid of her by accusing her of theft which I know she would not have done!

…

Good homes needed for 4 cats and 6 hens and 3 ponds of goldfish. Please inbox me if you are interested.

…

To Lyn and Jarrod. I love you both. You fought so hard for me for almost 3 decades. So very hard. You were my only true loves, apart from Bella and the cats.

You are the only people in the world who stood by me, no matter what life threw at me. And life threw plenty of evil shit. So much that even 3 Rabbis fought to protect and defend me. Two of whom lost their careers because of me. So they learned to hate me also.

I can't go on much longer. It is wayyyyy too much. I wanted 3 things from life. To be happy, to have a loving partner and to have a little fun before I leave this mortal coil.

The casino, Qld police and the Australian govt have won. They hate women. They will save the pension when I am gone. Government sponsored genocide. I am just a fucking number. They don't care that I became this way because of all their Misogynistic and Systemic Failures. Tonight another prime example.

You know. I actually wished I had glassed the evil bitch. It would have been worth it! But I am a good woman. Constantly vilified and victimised for defending and protecting myself. Which I have had to do since I was a very small child. After a lifetime, 50 years of almost constant abuse, I am done.

Please understand. This is not that my beloveds have failed me. Dr (name redacted), Jarrod, Lyn have been my constant supporters and over many years with their unconditional love and respect brought me so much comfort and joy. Now I know what an immense burden I have been.

Being accused of Defamation, by an alleged paedophile, losing the one man I loved and tonight's degrading debacle, is the final straw. I love you. I will never ever leave you. I will be with you for Eternity.

Without you, I am Nothing and Noone. As much as God sent me Oppressors, paedophiles, Psychopaths and bullies. He brought beauty to my life as well. For that I am grateful.

Update 9 September 2015: @Terina, thank you so very much for defending me. Not many show your kind of courage. Proud of you.

Thanks to all my other friends who came to support me when I did the unthinkable, especially Julie who listened to her intuition! Xxx It is 9th September as I write.

There was no follow-up from the P A Hospital and I was sent home at 4 am with a taxi chit (they stated, because I was kind to an increasingly agitated fellow male patient, as they had not been inclined to deal with him).

Yeah, duh, because I am a healer and quite frankly they dehumanised him by not letting him in the other lounge area where he could have laid down in a 3 seater couch! He was 6 ft 3! I told them off as they ended up doing a take-down on him, as he grew increasingly frustrated and agitated. FFS!

Anyway, I had no memory of most of the previous day or night so broke into my house as I had no idea that Sally and Julie had hidden my keys for me. 4 am cold, and housebreaking was a tad ironic!

Anyway that was then, this is now. I have had lots of love and support from my friends. This afternoon I have my usual debrief with my psychiatrist. I wonder if he was even told about my impulsive enraged but determined effort to do myself in?

Jarrod said he was amazed that I took so much time to edit and fix all the spelling mistakes and typos in my goodbye note on Facebook. I laughed. I said I was determined if I was going out I would do it Right. Well so much for a superb education hahah. Typoes bothers me more than death haha.

Anyway funny old world. Still here. The dance continues although I was a bit of a Berserker at two separate gigs on Saturday. One minute out for the count, the next shaking down life like a newborn Daemon. Haha.

All good. Everything in its season and everything has a reason. Buggar if I can remember what that was?!

Oh yes. L.O.V.E

…

Update: Now I am grateful that I hit the reset button on my life that night. Since then I have continued advocating for survivors on csa (on Facebook!) as an armchair activist. (Yes I know...bit of a wanker but someone has to end the shame, silence, fear and apathy by standing up and being counted!)

I also finally weaned off all psych meds on 3 June 2016 (it took a month and all I did was shit!)

I have been free of all psych meds since then (2 years 8 months!) My mind is finally my own although I do feed it with tv programming occasionally 🙂.

I have tried to improve my health by dancing more, attending Ecstatic Dance as well as still stomping down those pernicious evil daemons at the casino (with my few loving loyal friends!) as I will never ever ever let the bastards grind me down, even though some of them still Stalk me regularly.

I rise above their ignoble petty spiteful bullshit. It hurts. It will always hurt. But over the past 3 years I learned that the only things that matter are truth, decency, self-respect, staying true to myself and over time, the trolls and their sycophantic trollops have literally slunk away, like the vapid cowardly ghouls they always were.

In point of fact all their cruelty and nastiness has only served to make them look rather silly and pathetic and vile and nothing stinks more than mendacity.

They fell off the Désirée’s perch where I placed some high out of love, and now are scrabbling in the filth with the rest of the liars and traitors.

So I have simply become...better not bitter and somewhat detached from all the execrable attachments these former friends and casual partners placed on me.

I belong to no one but myself and G-d and that is my superpower and my madness. Freedom from fools feels so peaceful and accomplished and joyful.

22 August 2014

22 August 2013

Lyn drove Bella and I down to AEC vet at Woolloongabba. He said she still had a fighting chance so he gave her an injection to tell the kidneys to release toxins so she can drain her lungs. Said she would pee a lot now. He told me how to flush the drip and regulate it.

Lyn drove us home so now it is more waiting and praying but I have never been so glad to see her pee herself in my life. I put a puppy pad on the couch and lay her there.

Her breathing is still laboured but she perked up at the Vet so we know she is choosing Life! I had taken her there to euthanise her.

He said with her looking around so brightly and her gums had turned pink again. (they had been a greyish-blue so I thought she had reached the end and was suffering.) that he wasn't keen to euthanise her but the choice was mine. So we are battling on, as I want her to keep living!

Glad to have her home but not quite out of the woods yet.

I feel so fraught but will be so thrilled if she survives. We are fighting for each other!

Lyn supported us so beautifully staying with us til just recently, putting up with my hysterics, making me tea, driving us in the night! She is a Champion.

Thanks also to everyone who rang and offered support.

Our little "New World Leader" and her unworthy Human Sidekick are very grateful for the abundant love we are receiving. xxxxx. woof woof. Xxxx and Bella hugs!

..

Two hours sleep! What an ordeal! Bella is still alive! I am so proud of her! She is still fighting hard for her Life and for her Mama.

I am in Awe of her Spirit. Love love love this dog..my little Soulmate.

I was so cold trying to sleep on couch so I could lie near her. I stupidly brought my doona out to the lounge and finally succumbed to sleep with alarm set for 8.30 am for her next dose of fluids!

She dragged herself in front of me and must have peed on the edge of my expensive Doona...and I don't care! Washed it down with Vinegar!

I am so exhausted but so happy she is still fighting. A really Good sign!

…

Ave Bella Rosa Arons. A light so bright she will shine forever!

She fought long and hard to stay alive and be with De Mama! She was the greatest Love of my life, and I have had many many animals in my life! She loved me with such intensity that it was awe inspiring.

In the end it was cruel to try to keep her with me one more hour or one more day. Everything that could go wrong for her, in getting right treatment and even euthanasia, did! I know she will forgive me as we all tried so very hard to keep her with us.

I will miss her forever, my little New World Leader with the willpower of Titans.

I know she will await me in Valhalla!

I Love you, Bella, you are/were my Greatest Joy! Blessed Be!

May G-d Keep your Soul safe for me, until we meet again.

…

Thank You Regina! I believe this too. She and all my other Beloveds will wait for me. Her spirit is with me still. I woke up feeling so much Love Energy.

My brave sweet little girl will walk beside me in Spirit. She was that Strong! One of the reasons I called her "the New World Leader". Unfortunately her physical life is over but her Spirit is forever! :-)

…

Update 22 August 2022: It was a harrowing night but I am so grateful for Lyn’s loving support…as always. Bella is deeply missed. As are all my other pets that crossed the rainbow bridge. They gave me so much love and joy.

22 August 2012

Lyn rang me early and came over to pick me up to visit her friend Annette. Annette totally spoiled Bella who thought it was marvelous. We had a nice day together. I felt so exhausted but managed to have a pleasant day regardless.

22 August 2011

I've just spent hours watering, weeding, sweeping leaves in the garden. Also collecting wormwee. Now thoroughly exhausted but I enjoyed the wild wintry winds (reminded me of Wellington but at least the winds are balmy here!)

I have a wild windy hairdo to match as I washed my hair today and forgot to brush it and prefer to airdry it anyway, so now I have way too much air in my hair. I truly look like a Woman who runs with Wolves now!

…

Surprises in the garden today, freesias starting to open, and 3 orchid flowers. Woohoo! Also found some lovely Heartsease in the mulch that Annette Drummond gave me, in amongst the base of the passionfruits. I love it!

22 August 2008

The Tanya is stressed to the max after finding out her mother is in an aged care facility. Been visiting her daily and it is exhausting and she doesn't even know I exist.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons