Memories: 21 March 2025

21 March 2025

12:24 am

7:37 am Yesterday I worked on my calaca earrings for 15 hours. Then I got slammed with my gut at 3 am (which means the intense euphoric high was probably an IBS flare up! Lol!) I shouldn’t laugh actually as my body is being centrifuged out of its own self cos I keep fighting forwards!

This morning I felt mentally clear and calm. Satisfied with my hard work on that project. Astonished how hard I pushed myself. At one point last evening (around 10 pm) I was standing and swaying with weakness…like I might actually faint. But I knew I was nearing completion so I pushed myself through. It was a little intense! It was like being “high”.

This morning I woke up around 6 ish. I had had to take the cpap mask off as it felt smothering. This is also unusual as I usually tolerate it. Hmmm.

My fingertips are all hurting and burning from pressing so hard on the gravers, and the burnisher, trying to set the stones. I must have sweated a lot too, from the strain, as my hair is really oily too.

But I made those earrings and even incorporated my new “skill” of Gypsy setting the stones. So frankly they look better than the originals now.

Let’s hope I don’t lose these ones. As it was such an ordeal of stamina and creativity and determination and triumphant reclamation of my mind/body/spirit, only a day after I told my psychiatrist that I am convinced that I am going to die soon (and he concurred!) even though we both know I have died and come back to full vitality 15 times since infancy so my life-death-life spiralling are just nervous system breakdowns and more often than not “Breakthroughs” and each time I come back with another gift, or attribute or double down with even more guts and glory than even I ever imagined I still had in me.

Who am I? I don’t know…but my Boudiccean Muse throws me back into this life with astonishing recalibrations and a terrifying fierce determination to not just barely exist in this world, in merest survival but the most immense expression of Thriving!

Like …whoa Man! The Tanya is reborn and holding her own and shining through. I am grateful for the deep love and support of my true beloved ones: human and non-human. It’s been amazing. To see what I can achieve in one of my spiritual enervated, almost fugue states.

I made a weird mistake yesterday morning and yelled at myself for being stupid (an old evil tape from my my abusive mother and my former husband and latter life threatening partners) but it was a strange mistake as I caught myself trying to make a jump ring in a ridiculously difficult way so I knew that I was not quite “myself” so I yelled out loud “why are you being so stupid Tanya, you know better.” In deep frustration but also a kind of fear that my cognition might be deteriorating.

Ratih was cleaning and came to the doorway and in a very soothing loving kind voice said to me “No Tanya, you are not stupid. Not stupid at all. Don’t say that to yourself”.

It was like a watershed of deep love and validation and recognition of my spirit. Instant soothing. That woman loves me. Greatly. Has my back. Even when I flail with my fractured precarious weird mental health. Very few people have ever loved me like that. With such sweetness and tolerance as I can be as unstable and firecrackery as plutonium. Jesus.

But a bit later she was mopping the floor and asked me what I was doing? So I showed her how I was making the sterling silver jumprings the correct way and how it’s done. So kinda teaching her as well. She laughed when I explained why I was so furious with myself for doing it in a rather odd, unusual difficult way.

I told her I often do that…make life hard or impossible for myself because my brain just goes off in tangents and it makes no sense, not even to me. We both laughed. Our shared laughter was also soothing and healing.

My goddess, I was almost sad to see her go on to her next client. I needed her yesterday. My sweet Muslim Indonesian soul. I asked her if I would have a good safe life in Bali? She replied “Oh yes, there are so many people like you and everyone is always happy”. Her eyes shone.

But we both know I can’t migrate anywhere. I am trapped here in this place. So I must make the best of it. Make my life so creative, joyous, loving that I have Bali Hai every day…even if it’s in my own mind.

Ratih left at noon and I worked on, and on with those earrings. It inspired me. What could I achieve if I had more money, more resources and learned more skills with my silversmithing. What could I achieve if I had had a loving supportive partner and a family?

But I have many wonderful people in my life. Ratih who comes to me on Thursday mornings. Lyn, Jarrod, Sally, Margaret, Michel. Wonderful friends at the Brooklyn Standard, my friends in Ramjet and in Alter Egos. My wonderful psychiatrist (he who has been my greatest champion as he has fought alongside me for 14 years) Oh my goddess! It’s humbling and astonishing how much love I have been gifted.

I also have received so much support by various souls on my Instagram. People cheering me on, encouraging me to keep creating. Keep fighting for Love, for Life, for my own shamanic weird arse spirit.

People who never let me go, even when I flounder with my weird cosmic arsekicked atrophies at times. Real loves. Patient with me because they know I am deserving…and not stupid. Imagine what I might have achieved in life if I had not had such evil toxic family (and husband) that damaged me so severely that when I struggle to do something my inner tapes are to hate on my own self quite savagely as that was programmed into me since birth.

So Ratih’s gentle gift of encouragement yesterday reminded me. I can achieve things. I am worthy of real authentic sweet love and I must continue to fight for myself and love myself in such a way that I can call “home” the aspects of me that are no longer broken, beaten, despoiled but are triumphant, glorious, courageous and completely loveable.

So I can call home my one true lover man one fine day. A man who will not see the cumulative traumas and the train wreckage, he will not see the scars, the wrinkles and the frustrated furies…only the Queen who built her own self back 15 times and grew older, wiser and more gifted each time.

A woman so at peace with her own self that she can exude that peace to and for him and others. Its astonishing! No more stupidity, vapidity, doubts and fears and equivocation. It’s time!

…

21 March 2024

Another difficult night. Up four times. Spent a few hours awake during the night with insomnia.

Ratih came to clean. I was up and dressed but felt like a fucking Zombie. Sorta floating in and out of my body.

I spent the day, resting, watching Netflix, had cuddles with Charlie. I made my daily vlog as well.

I had a couple of chats with Jarrod, then Lyn then Nigel. It was nice to catch up with Nigel as we hadn’t spoken for a few weeks. He was excited about gaining a new job as a bed salesman. Awesome!

I hope I feel better tomorrow. I am planning on dancing both Friday and Saturday nights this weekend. I need to build up my stamina and strength.

21 March 2023

8:20 pm I am sitting on the couch musing about how I need to find a hobby that is less challenging, less expensive, less aggravating to my mental health.

I could go back to knitting faeries, but they had their wee challenges too.

Or reading….or sleeping…..?

But as hard as it is I am genuinely enjoying the silver casting. so there is that!

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7:40 am Update: leg is still red in that area on my ankle but the swelling has gone down. I chewed extra vitamin c last evening, and before going to bed, slathered my legs (both legs hurt like hades) with castor oil. I drank more water. I also lathered castor oil on the area over my liver which was also aching yesterday.

The pain is less intense in the bones of my legs but I guess it will increase when I get out of bed and start moving.

The ”after hours” doctor never responded which I find egregious but it is what it is. I don’t seem to have a fever this morning but I do feel wrung out and exhausted. So far so good.

The weird life of The Tanya continues…as it always does.

Thank you to Louise Winton in Manchester for reaching out to me and checking I am okay. I appreciate your sweetness and healing thoughts. I appreciate all my friends who fight for me daily.

Much love to you all! Xxx

21 March 2022

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Two weeks ago I bought some potatoes. They looked fine but in the past week there has been a revolting stench. A few days ago I identified the stench as rotting potatoes. So I fossicked in through my food bin and removed the offending article. I thought I had gotten out all the rot.

Ahhh but nooo. This morning the stench was permeating my nostrils again. So I dived into the bin and dragged out all the fine looking but smelly potatoes. I threw them all out as I had actually cooked with the okay looking ones and have been Ill ever since (not diarrhoea or vomiting) but some kind of intense malaise and extreme fatigue and chronic need to pee. Was it the potatoes? Probably not but why take the chances?

I found another rotten potato at the bottom of the plastic bin and lots of offensive juice. I washed off the sweet potatoes as I think they might be worth saving. I will smell them when they are dry and if they are still a bit iffy I will throw them out too.

Anyway what surprised me was that the second I breathed in the stench of the spuds I got a violent allergic reaction: coughing up phlegm, eyes watering, sneezing copiously.

So another day out for the count! I wonder if my reaction to the smell of death and decay (rotting potatoes) is an ancient trigger from my early childhood as we kept our potatoes on a dark musty cupboard that also housed the water heater and I could not stand to go in there. This was the same cupboard the family predator used to perve on us while we used the toilet.

Gods I hate those people. Dirty filthy and more predatory than a dying spud.

But here I sit! Eating a toasted sandwich, drinking tea and having overcome the demonic rot one more time, feeling like I am gradually vanquishing that infamous Dybbuk on my roof!

The Dybbuk the dear, the pernicious nightmare…has been dragging on my energy for the past few weeks. I decided, as I often do when I feel this dreadful, that I am dying.

But with the beautiful light today and my resolution to combat the stench and the immersive sinking negativity….I am striving to remind myself of all the ways I am living-not dying-and this health crisis may or may not pass but what is most valuable and insightful is life is not just a bucket of rotting potatoes and there is something still worth holding onto.

My fantasies of Love, of triumph, and of evolution.

Vive la revolution.

Tired, worn out drained Tanya will rise again.

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11:16 am finally out of bed. I have not been well in the past week. Dehydration and drinking lots of water meant lots of nocturnal eliminations all night long. Crazy making. I was up every hour on the hour and finally passed out for a few solid hours at 6 am.

Yesterday I had a long 3 hour nap from midday to three pm as well. I feel wrung out like a husk.

My lungs are not going too well either.

But all good. It’s a glorious looking day. A lovely light in the garden.

Time to get dressed and ready and enjoy what is left of my day, out in the garden.

21 March 2021

I started working on it on 21 March 2021 (after singlehandedly dragging it into my house on 5 March from under the house -which nearly killed me!)

I completed the inlay (with abalone dots on 8 April), sanded back the second door, polished it with my homemade wood polish, then hung it back on cabinet.

Another project completed and a huge achievement given I had never inlaid timber before. So very happy with the result. I am considering adding Mother of pearl inlay later!

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I am beset by a dank heaviness and body weakness that feels like dying...but simultaneously my spirit is actively embarking on new creativity and sending out flares to the furthest reaches of the cosmos...seeking to thrive before I dive into Oblivion.

Today I was still in so much sciatic pain that I laid in bed but watched YouTube videos on how to inlay wood for my cabinet. Some seemed complicated and intricate but others seemed easy enough.

I just need to cut out to the right size and depth, and superglue the pieces in and use acceleletator. I need to wait until payday to buy the glue (grrrr you need a thin ca glue) but I could just start cutting out each piece and glue them when my ship comes in!

It’s gonna take a long time carving out spaces for 200 pieces! But time is what I have, I need only harness the Berserker intrepid energy and the motivation!

Right now...I am so tired. I think I will do nothing today. My body is plaguing me to just quit for a while. But my mind and spirit are on Supercharge.

I guess I am very conscious of the decades I lost with severe depression, cptsd, dragging children around to safety while simultaneously surviving the epic monstrosities of evil vicious perverted boyfriends and my family. I could not even think straight, let alone create!

So now I am pushing myself knowing full well I can never catch up or achieve a scrap of what I could have achieved if I had not been beleaguered by so much evil.

But the time is Now to prove to myself that I can make great achievements even in my poor physical State. That I can feel Delighted and excited by my small Creations. That I can have a sense of accomplishment after the utter utter desecration of my life and soul.

I prayed and prayed over many years for the opportunity to heal myself enough that I could have a peaceful, joyous, productive, successful and loving life.

It’s finally starting to happen! I am so amazed and grateful!

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21 March 2020

UPDATE: the homeless are still being fed. Crystal saw evidence last night.

I am greatly relieved that our government has not turned its back on them.

However what I said in my post last night still stands.

Be Kind, give if you can. What you can. Remember that at any time we are all vulnerable and can be in their shoes.

Love. Sometimes it’s hard to love. Scary to love. Love anyway. Love takes many forms. It is like water. It finds its way Home to the heart and the mind. It gathers strength in multitudes.

Be a force for Love.

The Tanya has Spoken ;-)

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Fuck you Coronavirus. Mama T self isolated and got bored so gave me a fur cut and now I look like a Gimp!

Bobo is enjoying the self isolation. Having Mama T home and not overly exhausted from Dancing is a bonus!

21 March 2019

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21 March 2018

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We cancelled going to Coochiemudlo as it is looking like rain but Jarrod is coming here so we can go on other adventures (check out Reverse Garbage and/or go to antique shops). Awesome!

21 March 2017

I have been updating my maternal line on Ancestry. Bloody bollocky old German handwriting is almost impossible to decipher. I managed to work out some placenames though. That felt like an achievement in itself.

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The lovely Indian lady dentist was loving and caring. It took an hour, as there were two canals and she had to unblock the second canal. A nightmare.

I have another appointment to make sure the tooth behaves itself. I feel quite traumatised given the constant chronic tooth problems, and current leg pain etc. Three months of poor health. Actually a lifetime of it. Gruelling. Exhausting. Despairing.

But...I am Strong. I am Healed. I am Beautiful. I am Fierce. I got this.

Now waiting for my friend Jenny to have her treatment then we go back to her place to pick up Charlie, the Rainbow Lorikeet who is joining my family of non-human soulful loves.

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@QE2 dentist. No parking. Had to drive on streets, blocks away. Total mayhem. Then as usual admin staff ignore you at front desk. Which is just so rude and irritating.

Nevermind. Waiting now for more violations upon my person. Bloody root canal which has been painful.

21 March 2016

12.29 pm up and at 'em. Chest still weird but much better. Beauregard has been an awesome puppy and let me rest since very early Sunday morning. Today Harvey and Jarrod are visiting so Bobo will be able to let off steam.

21 March 2015

2.09 pm. Just woke up to an epic storm lashing through my windows. Yehaaa! Perfect complement to my burnt out ends of smoky Mojo Burning days and night.

I need to get dressed and head into the Valley later for the Mojo Burning music festival. Woot!

21 March 2014

I slept all day then was happy in the evening as Lyn visited and together we watched "The Book Thief" which was superb and "The Butler" which was also a wonderful film.

2.20 am now off to dreamland again, as I have a lunch date with Sarah L. It will be nice to catch up. Then off to Crystal's then later that night to Casino to dance along with Abby Skye and Mission X. Busy day but Fun!

21 March 2011

Just woke up from snoozing again, on the couch. I have achieved nothing today apart from a long chat to friends on phone. There is no valid reason to be so tired. I'm so fed up with all this exhaustion. Maybe I should blame Serequel? Or is it stress?

From the comment section:

My friend Gail, who is a Forensic Psych Nurse has been saying that I've probably reached the therapeutic dose in my body from the Serequel. I've been on it since early January.

So the effects of Serequel (an anti-psychotic!) that I was put on for my extremely bad anxiety is that it makes one very tired. But I'd been coping with the dosage (I'm only taking half a tablet instead of the full dose) but after the enormous stressors recently, (earthquakes, tsunamis, family issues, grief over lying cheating bf making a fool of me via mutual friends, my generalised poverty levels which never end, distress over the interminable Will Dispute and other new developments that have come to light in another area of my life, well, can I say, it's a miracle I wake up at all?! LOL.

Gail reminded me today (mainly cos I choose to forget!) that my untreated Sleep Apnoea might be getting worse.

So yes, you are right Melissa, the combined effects of all the stressors recently, (in fact many of them still freshly triggered and many relating all the way back to infancy!) all compounding with my extant medical issues and then the shock and horror of watching our planet devolve in front of our eyes....has made me incapable of functioning at all well, currently.

I shall overcome, or die. Not much choice either way. Which is why I am so extremely blessed to have some genuine friends in my life. Or I would probably have died a long time ago.

So on a happy note..live well and prosper, and since I can't 'prosper' I intend to continue to live as well as I've been able to manage all these years and I choose to LOVE this planet, this body, this battered mind and soul, our Creator, and those who need/want my love. This is my legacy, my wealth, my joy.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons