Memories: 2 April 2025

2 April 2025

7:39 am another good night with only one pee break. But the breathing is backsliding a bit. However, I am more irritated/agitated/unwell by constantly having to pee during the night so three good nights is a bonus.

Yesterday I underwent a firestorm of emotions, rapid cycling trauma activations and rather intense anxiety. But as always…I fought through it. I tried to distract my brain by making jewellery which soothed me somewhat initially, but when I melted the bezel I was thrown back into the abyss of failure/atrophy/frustration and sank into my own hell loop again.

So today I will attempt that bezel again. I would like that cuff finished in time for my birthday. Setting myself a reasonable goal here. I hope I don’t melt the bezel wire again as the fine silver sheet I bought to make it with, is kinda expensive and I already wasted one.

However, it’s not a total waste as I can cast it with other silver scraps to make something else. I need to remember I am still learning and need lots of practise to achieve proficiency and even expert jewellers have bad days sometimes. Ie cut myself some slack and not permit my nervous system to stymy my potentiates.

Fear. Face everything and Rise. Amiright?! Gahhh. Well…I must keep trying and improving and build confidence and proficiency. Self teaching is hard…but it’s a vast improvement on the long decades when I basically gave up on ever achieving anything and lived a zombie life…dancing through it, welcoming Death in a daily basis.

So Corazon…on The Tanya goes. Loving, living, regenerating. At almost 60. A work in progress.

…

Hah I just found out Passover (Pesach) starts on the evening of 12th April. My Birthday. So just as well I am going dancing on Friday night and then I will sneak in a bit of birthday cake before Saturday sunset.

Hah. Who am I kidding? I haven’t observed Passover in a glatt kosher way in years. Hilarious. The Yiddish guilt emotional/intellectual/spiritual gymnastics I still put myself through!

You can take the Jew out of the Heathen but it’s harddd to take the heathen out of the Jew. Hashem Knowsssss….:-)))

Photo: waiting for my debrief with my worthy psychiatrist.

…

…

2 April 2024

I kept busy transcribing my trance drumming notes. (Lots of psychobabble!) then in the afternoon I took Charley for a walk. When I got to Pete’s place he told me he had just received news that his mother Ailsa, aged 94, had just died. They were about to drive to the aged care facility. Sad news but inevitable.

I gave Robyn a hug then carried on with my walk home. May Ailsa find rest and peace in the ever loving arms of the Ein Sof Aur.

2 April 2023

I had a nice day. I made a video for YouTube. Then took Beauregard with me to West End drumming, where a tiny stingless bee landed on my arm and rested on me so I made another short video of the bee. Cute!

2 April 2022

6:33 am we are going to the Manly vet at 8 am. Poor Bobo has blocked anal glands. I haven’t slept all night for worry. (I had my own health issues of needing to pee all night so I feel fairly wrung out!) I don’t know if its stress or menopause that is affecting me so badly. But Bobo is a priority right now.

I agonised all night over which vet to take him to, as I am still severely traumatised over my last three cats’ euthanasias. I pray this is not the outcome for Beauregard.

Praying it’s just an easy thing to fix and doesn’t cost too much money. Gahhh!

…

Lol the vet comes out and he says “Beauregard!” In a distinctive French accent. So for a moment I replied with Beauregard in my kiwi/Aussie twang in affirmation. It wasn’t until the vet proceeded to ask questions about Bobo’s health that I realised his pronunciation was far more accurate and “au Fait”. Merci Beaucoup. The ground can swallow me up right now.

Mon dieu I have prayed all night long that this is not going to be another life threatening illness. Hopefully having a simpatico Frenchman is a positive sign.

Fingers crossed.

…

10.04 am back home but I have upset my nervous system so much that I was violently ill. So I think the day is ruined for me physically but I shall rest as much as possible.

Bobo seems fine thank god. He enjoyed the beach and willingly went into the sea for a bit of a paddle as the sea was flat and sparkling like a diamond.

The lovely vet gave him a painkiller injection when he cleared out his anal glands. Fortunately Monsieur Le Beau did not have an anal abscess or anything even worse. Phew. I am so relieved and happy that he is okay. My goodness I was terrified.

…

Lascivious, libidenous meets lackadaisical lactose intolerant, living la vida loca but kinda dying at the same time. How the fuck is that even desirable? Or beneficial?

Lalalala. Loquacious intrepid femme fatale is just gonna leave this here. It’s okay. I am a limpid wrung out desiccated nut but still kinda lovely. In my own way.

Grateful and happy that my Beauregard is safe.

I think I might pass out now. Not enough sleep or genuine physical balance or equanimity is extremely draining.

And unbelievably after that epic death defying act: I am fucking hungry. I don’t dare eat anything right now. I will have to re-program my gut from the bottom up. (Is that even humanly possible?)

Staying in bed, dreaming of better health. Comfort and ease. Peace within my warmongering Jewish Viking body. Cravings are out of control too. This is not normal!

Where will this end?!

It’s kinda funny just stepping outside of my body in observer mode and reminding myself that in my own ill health crisis I bravely got my dog the treatment he needed. Now I need to focus on healing my own self.

…

2:22 pm on 2 April 2022! All Day I have been seeing this number in various displays: times and even on meterage on a YouTube video.

Potent portent! Pity I feel so sick today.

2/4/2022 (6) a building number, progression. Building on foundations laid down before. 6 + 6. Love and harmony equals 12 equals 3.

Perhaps my manifestations have been “heard” and acknowledged by the Angels. They certainly comforted me during the night when I went into full blown panic mode about Beauregard. They said I need to calm down as I would have just enough money and we would be treated with kindness and respect.

I did not believe the messages as I thought it was my usual Pollyanna epic denial but as soon as the veterinary doctor said “Beauregard” in his French accent and looked into my swirling emotional trauma-activated eyes, with such caring kind eyes I sensed we were going to be okay.

Until the intense illness hit me on the drive home from Manly. Oh well. I have set before you blessings and curses therefore choose Life. I wish it were a tad more simple than that. But I am gaining in my power even as my body collapses in a heap.

La Desiree et Le Beauregard are holding each other precious, moment by moment.

…

3:03 pm. Funny guys. Still the energy of 6. Hmmm. Harmony and balance. A sweetness that is Much needed.

Shabbat Shalom to my angels and my mortals. Blessings from Sacred Space (Sacre Coeur).

….

4:52 pm I was right about the sweetness. My little neighbour girls were selling chocolates for a fundraiser for their dance studio so I bought one for me and one for my 92 year old friend Ailsa who I was visiting.

Ailsa said “I was just thinking about how I felt like some chocolate!” I replied “from your lips to G-d’s ears as you never know where little unexpected surprises might manifest from, in this case my little neighbour children.” Just delightful!

2 April 2020

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid0J32fbHiBp4nUqAEBUorE1aX79Dgymvg2fBKDdXyfNsmd3DQUp7Sci7afkgGwAKAPl&id=1340840204&mibextid=v7YzmG

…

2:22 pm 2/4/2020. Potent spiritual synchronicity that I was gifted this time. This moment.

…

Watching “Becoming Nobody” with Ram Dass on Gaia.com. Delightful!

I have been chopping up my huge lemongrass plant and am now making lemongrass tea. I decided that I should reap the benefits of my beautiful garden I have put so much work into.

It’s such a lovely day. Charlie made me laugh as I put worming stuff into his water bowl. He hates the taste of it so it’s very difficult to worm him. What does he do instead? Has a bath in his worming solution. A great triumphant splashy bath. With a great light-body smile!

Hopefully he drank enough of it to eliminate any worms. The little buggar!

…

Yesterday I bought Matzah and a memorial candle for Pesach. I had to laugh at myself as I am now a completely secular Jew. I have not even prepared the house for Passover! No doubt some ancient jewish Ancestor wanted Matzah. So I soothed their spirit if not my tastebuds. The bread of affliction and of constipation. Let my people Gooo!

…

2:09 am...after sending my beautiful cousin Megan off to bed around midnight NZ time (9 pm here) I have been struggling to sleep all night. Annoying. Especially as I have been feeling exhausted.

I am listening to my fountain. The water flowing steadily. My neighbour Timsa is also not sleeping and talking loudly. His voice travelling through the clear night air. He doesn’t sleep much either.

Bobo and Penny are both on my bed although they too, were restless for several hours. It’s like we are waiting for something to happen.

I guess I will sleep when my body decides to. No use fighting with my Self. Sometimes when I write on fb during my bouts of insomnia it helps me sleep after.

Today is Thursday 2nd April 2020. Hmmm. I have no immediate plans. Just moving through my life like a stolid little struggling engine. One breath at a time. One day at a time.

I must rest....

2 April 2019

It’s a beautiful day. I cleaned out the filters in my three ponds and was surprised and delighted to seen a few more baby goldfish in the large spa bath. Those big old goldfish are replacing themselves. (Usually they eat their spawn!) so it’s wonderful to see that La Sirene and the other ondines in my garden are blessing my ponds with new life and beauty and love. Grateful Mama T here.

My garden brings me such joy and serenity. Although a little wood pigeon died yesterday when she got trapped in the chook cage and Bobo went in after her. She died of fright. I was very sad about it. They come for the chook food.

I need to buy one of those chook feeders that the hen steps on so it automatically lifts up while she feeds then closes when she steps off. But of course they are expensive. But I don’t want any more dead wild birds.

…

2 April 2018

Feeling much Belovèd by The Holy One. The “angels”, beings of other dimensions, paradigms, extraterrestrials. I was cast down to this Earth in a female body. Destined to be scorned and scorched by the ignorant, the vapid and the cruel. The evil, the salacious and the hollow men.

Misunderstood and dishonoured, betrayed, raped, tortured and impoverished. Yet, still I held true to myself and the goddess within and the Creator who seeded me here.

There is nothing to keep me here and nowhere to go. Only this moment where my heart explodes like shrapnel into a cosmic blast of stardust.

For this physical body is fueled by shit and bile and grief and loss but it is also nourished by truth, pure unadulterated love and union with the brave and beautiful manifestations of light bearers.

Know before Whom you Stand. But Know that “I Am” is within you. I have never been truly alone, even in the lurid depths of despair and hatred imposed by others. There is the One who guided me into my own Light and power and healed my heart and mind and purified my Soul.

Glory be to the gods of the ancients and the new enlightenment that walks amongst us. Open my mouth so that I may declare your glory.

No bread of affliction here, for I have been the most afflicted. No manna either for what do I need to sustain me (apart from my beloved chocolate -ambrosia of Quetzalcoatl).

No division of the seas for my pathway to open before me. No Egyptian pharaohs to smite me. No filthy resurrections of false gods. Only the cosmic consciousness of divine unity across all universes.

I who have failed at being a woman/lover/mother have succeeded at being a daughter of the gods. Perhaps that is why my life has been so surreal and so vicious.

Diamonds are created not by love, but by pressure. Swords are honed by fire and heat and hammering. Gifts are valuable only if they are cherished. The seen and unseen can only merge when we truly believe in ourselves and our place in this world and all the other dimensions we slip in and out of. Consciously and unconsciously.

Hold my hand. Kiss me. Let me go. Freedom is my name. Blessing is my game. Life is the prison of the mind. Temporal virtual reality and a trickster’s sport. (Ahh you know how I hate sport: competitive psychopathic cruel desires to dominate each other. Waste of my time).

The Trickster gods need feeding. So they send us out to battle each other in tribal primal chimeric displays of phallic or vaginal prowess. Whose Void must we fill today?

Only the Avoidant can know that she is replete and no one but G-d can know her rich designs and desires.

A blessing on her head. Thank you. Giver of Life and Death and the intrinsic beauty, wisdom and joy that falls somewhere in between.

…

I am thinking about Pesach and how I have been actively shunned in this shitty evil perverted community.

So next year in Jerusalem. I will endeavour (in my pernicious poverty) to create my own Seder next year. I deserve to be treated better so that will start with gifting myself my own spirituality unbefouled by liars and hypocrites.

I sit alone at my own Shulchan Aruch in my own honour and you know, HaShem Knows Best 😉!

2 April 2017

…

Thank you Universe for showing me the limitless potential of my Being. The cruel and unusual Blocks I still encounter every day that stymie and atrophy my heart and soul.

For the few true friends who supported me in tempestuous times. For the lying evil fake superficial Fucks that destroyed my heart and mind but from Whom I am Still rebuilding. For the liars and dirty cheats of this world.

But also for the intrinsic delightful gifts of beauty, freedom and healing that I tripped over in the dark abyss of my abusive and abandoned life.

Thank you for breaking me down and open and for bleeding me out. Thank you for the unconditional love and the Light shone in dark and sordid places.

Thank you for this Life but I hope I never have to walk on earth again. Too hard basket. The good has still not superceded the awful and horrific. Although I have had some momentous rejoicing and celebration to cast me down like a lead weight on this earth and also to soar like an air balloon on fire.

Onwards and upwards. One day it will all pass from my eyes like the psychedelic dream it really was. But my eyes are no longer shielded by rose-coloured glasses and I see it all very clearly and painfully.

2 April 2016

My puppy is so cool! I swear he is fluent in Mama already! I took him to the dog park and he was getting a bit too savage with Leo. So I told him, There will be none of that! He looked at me, ashamed. Then forgot and nipped at Leo again.

Leo is only 4 months old Rhodesian Ridgeback and sweet tempered. Bobo actually likes him but is trying to dominate him (including attempting to fuck his face!) So Mama put him on time-out and threatened to take him home.

After that he was much more gentle and played nicely. Weird little Jack Shit (non-Maltese Shitsu canine brat). But I have realised from early on that he is intelligent. Why I get all the crazy intelligent highly strung pets, I have no idea. But they do say Dogs reflect their owners :p.

….

Stayed home to watch Season 5 of Lost Girl. Very funny when they say Bo and Bobo looks up.

I have a sore neck from moshing to Zombie last night. When will I learn that my bones are not young anymore? Lmao until my head falls off too. Like those nodding dolls they used to put on car dashboards. Only stiffer and more broken. Ah well. All good. I had fun last night.

…

2 days ago I polished my porthole, replaced the mirror and screwed it into the front wall of my entry. I already feel a shift in energy/consciousness.

Lighter. Freer. I am not sure why moving it from the back of the house to the front door as changed anything. But a good positive shift is always welcome. My Lounge feels so much better since I moved the antique credenza and am now using it as a tv stand. It no longer blocks the chi coming through the front door.

Perhaps more good things are on their way. Taking back control of my finances and getting back to a flowing loving healthy state. Baby steps.

2 April 2015

5.31 am. Productive night. Finished vacuuming then re-made a crystal necklace that I broke while dancing at the casino last week.

I was watching a doco about Churchill and Stalin. Time has flown!

…

Crystal is flying out on 25th May at 2 am. She finishes her show on 24 th then flies out during that night. Full on!

…

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/eGY6caseqnrQ3FbK/?mibextid=MOktm1

…

12.58 am. Dishes done. Most of house vacuumed ( at long last!). Lathered in sweat so will finish vacuuming and do the mopping later today. Sick of living in my own filth.

It will be nice to have it clean before Pesach.

2 April 2014

If I had won lotto tonight I would have bought my daughter Crystal a glorious house. I feel depressed at the tiny granny flat she has rented in order to save money to travel. Grrrr! Retrograde step, but she is happy. Oh well, another life lesson for her. I hope she will be ok there.

…

I got up at 2 pm. Raced to hairdresser to pay her, then rushed to my psych. He sats I don't have Bipolar but my PTSD has been triggered by relationship stuff. I concur. So need to take more Seroquel on nights like last night when sleeping was improbable. Now on a heavier dose so not happy but hopefully my mood will stabilise again.

Then I walked across to Qld Transport to order my new license. I got one for 3 years. Expensive!

Now I am chilling out at Garbo, eating my first meal of my day. Boy was I hungry!

…

Insomnia again :-(. 3.23 am I am wired and my skin is itchy and sore from all the excessive sweating from dancing all weekend.

Tomorrow I might try drinking more water to see if that helps my skin. I just got up and took some silica and 50 mgs of Seroquel to shut my mind off. I am not liking having to do this to get rest. Menopause is not for cissies!

2 April 2013

3.28 am. Finally going to bed. I had a nap from 8-10 pm so not really tired but my back pain is so severe I think I should lie down and do some healing by sleeping it off.

I had a nice day today, ate too much again. Comforting myself through my pain.

I wish I had a lovelife partner to cuddle me and rub my back but such is life! Lol! My cat Penny keeps a protective eye on me during the night and pats me when she thinks I should get up! I gently swat her away but she really does seem to be a good healer. Lmao! Never underestimate Pussy Power! I can hear her purring loudly at the foot of my bed right now.

Good night! Talk soon! Tomorrow Arvo!

2 April 2010

Where's Forrest Gump when you need him? He managed to turn all his tragedies into triumphs and all because his Momma loved Chocolates. (Gotta love Hollywood!)

…

The Official Schnorrer who has failed at begging has nothing to Quack about, (or crow about either) as Quentin Crisp did say, "if you fail constantly then Failure is your Style" so my Schnorrering of the Week will be attempting to get a lawyer to Contest my mother's Will on a No Win/No Fee basis, and if I FAIL? Lol, you can't miss what you never had and were never gonna get Dammit

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons