Memories: 16 May 2025

16 May 2025

7:27 am awake! Alive! It looks like another beautiful morning in “Paradise”. Time to wake up my birdy boys. Happy Friday!

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Peter did a fabulous job of cutting the copper, putting threads inside them, cutting the front piece for the hinges, and I helped screwing the hinges in after we had to shorten each screw. It looks lovely now. I may even add more inlay to the front.

#titaniasrealm #woodengrimoire #bookofshadows #perfection #magickhappens #loveisthelawloveunderwill #goodfriendsmakeallthingspossible

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10:32 pm eating chicken and corn soup. Exhausted but happy.

16 May 2024

My “tree of Life” necklace is finally re-strung. This time I made it with sterling silver wire to support the heavy pendant on the bottom. I am hoping it won’t break so easily.

I ordered amethyst skull beads but they arrived and were much smaller than my original ones. So I decided to use them anyway. Remind me not to wear this necklace when I am doing my wild shamanic moshing as that probably contributed to its constant breakage also.

It’s taken me most of the day to remake. Lots of drilling larger holes in the pearls (the red thread was thicker and I had to repair the howlite skulls to reuse them. Arggghh Mama T is exhausted but happy and proud of her efforts.

#titaniasrealm #treeoflifenecklace #skulls #eternallife. #etzchaim #neverquitnevercedeneveryield #neverletthebastardsgrindyoudown #mindfulness #bliss #magickhappens #kabbalah #loveisthelawloveunderwill #ifoughtagainstepicfatiguealldaytoachievethis #mindovermatter #dowhatyoulove

16 May 2023

Jarrod visited me today so we decided to go to Stones Corner to look at the secondhand shops. “Miss Five” wanted the toys but “Mistress 58” wanted the shoes. We had a lovely meal also, then came back to the car to see a lovely unusual rainbow. The gods are smiling upon us!

16 May 2022

10:38 pm Heavy mist outside. I am going to bed early as I feel exhausted. Hopefully I have no trouble sleeping. I have been picking up vibes from a former lover this afternoon. (Trying to block it!) it’s draining and even if I do make contact, goes nowhere.

No wonder I am working with silver. It is supposed to repel vampires. Lmao!

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I have had a productive day. I bathed the dog (woot!) then brushed him (against his wishes!) Then I trimmed his nose hairs near his eyes and his bumholey, and under his chin. (Lots of pissed off growling about all that too!)

Then I cleaned my fishpond filters, then emptied more dragonfruit prunings into the bin (lots more to discard!)

Then I emptied out an old bathtub that was full of rainwater and slowly composting stuff. I couldn’t tip the bath over as it was too full so I put the composting stuff into the two compost bins and then with superhuman effort was able to tip the bath over to drain the water (not wanting it to be a breeding ground for mozzies!)

I need not have bothered. There was a cute marsh frog at the bottom. No doubt he had kept the mosquitoes under control.

Then I felt a wave of exhaustion so I dragged in some damp washing and hung things up inside as a squall was threatening. Just in time!

Then I made apple pie mixture and some apple pies in my new pie maker. I devoured three.

Now tempted to go for a walk with the Beau as the sun has come back out. But the rain is still a bit patchy. Yup I have cabin fever. Need to runnnnnn amok.

I still need to strip my bed and change the sheets but it’s so hard to get the washing dry.

Maybe I will do it tomorrow?

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Perusing these memories were a tad astonishing. The “Yorkshire Gypsy” eventually proved to be just another cad. He turned up to the very first drumming circle I attended in July 2019 (three weeks after my horrific gall bladder surgery) so I still had pain where the drain was in my right side.

I recognised him from our brief encounter back in 2014. He was sitting in the circle with a blonde woman of my vintage. Ugh! But I kept my dignity and ignored it. I literally had my hand on my drain site to comfort me in my pain, as it felt like a bullet hole had pierced my liver. It took months to recover from that surgery!

Then the next circle a month later the other Englishman I had stupidly fallen in love with in February 2014 also turned up with a girlfriend in tow. He actually had the temerity (chutzpah! Gall!) to sit very close to me. Crass!

It was like being haunted by zombie ex-lovers and empty vapid ghouls. Even my dog climbed up on my lap to glare at him over my shoulder.

8 years later and nothing much has changed. I remain as ever stoicly single, celibate and carefree. Not giving out any fucks has its benefits. Growing my own soul and blossoming my heart so I can heal from all of those awful sadistic cruel callow men!

The last serious boyfriend was that vile creep in 2009 who said such cruel things. But he was not the last of the vicious men I encountered later on. C’est la vie, Babies.

I am happier than I have ever been, even after the last two years of this current Covid paradigm. I simply girded my heart (and loins) with strength and opened up my creativity which kept me busy and distracted from the shitshow.

I am not feeling well as I damaged my already fragile lungs with dust from paua and then mosaics. Ooops! It felt a tad terrifying that I could not trust going to the hospital as they are so vicious with the Covid paradigm.

6 months ago I damaged my left hand with a steel mallet. Again I did not go to the hospital. I have a permanent bruise on that hand now.

Skin cancers are burgeoning across my back and shoulder blades too.

But I carry on, living each day, fighting immense fatigue and my own fragile existence at 57 years of age…mostly alone.

I am making my life beautiful. Day by day, breath by laboured breath, moment by moment as no man has ever stood by me as a permanent partner. (Not even when I was married decades ago). So I am accustomed to going it alone.

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16 May 2021

Today Lyn and Peter’s neighbour Steve gave me lots of scrap metal pipes and assorted metal off cuts which I will be able to use for jewellery making. Peter also gave me some scrap timber to hold down my inlaid top piece for glueing and also to use to protect my already battered pine desk when I do drilling.

Lyn gave me lots of goodies to help clear up my foot issues. Also lots of moisturisers etc.

Peter also fixed my copper coal Scuttle as the handle was hanging off on one side. It’s been annoying me for several years. He just drilled through the old rivets and put some new rivets on it.

So I have been thoroughly spoilt again by my beautiful friends!

I came home and kept working on my cutlery canteen. I am really exhausted from all my efforts but I can see I am making progress and learning new skills!

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I ask myself “what are you playing at in the long drawn out video game of reality that is both natural and surreal?” I am still stuck on that hardest level- the one where I meet my beloved and he meets me and there is sweet soul connection and loyalty and fidelity and open honest communication and passion and romance but friendship too!

I reached a new level in my game of life where I am trying very hard to create a new hobby that I might perhaps monetise into some form of business. I am sick to my own death of abject poverty and struggle and not being able to take off the training wheels that have shackled me into disability for so many many years.

I am suffused with light and hope and positivity but I have been in that aspect of the game before, like the rat that gets zapped for chasing the cheese and the golden light was not the cheese but more dishonour, despair and cosmic fucking punishment.

But I kept dancing anyway, dreaming as the psychedelic dreamer has always done: of true loves, success and happiness and much needed safety and peace.

I learned to create my own peace and happiness. A huge achievement after the life plan the gods hurled at me and churned me through like that mouldy old cheese I ratfinked my way to.

Creating a life out of the bones and ashes of the old one that was rotten and defunct with so much treachery.

But as I gained a piquant flavour and a hard rind and an almost nutty appeal I became a delightful delicacy that can only be supped by those of the most delicate and discerning palate.

The rest had no idea of my true gourmet acquisition of high value. They tried to trash me as only the crass peasantry can do.

A cheese is just a cheese to those who have not had to fight for merest scraps of existence. A hungry person does not even taste it. It’s gobbled down and swallowed in haste and barely leaves an impression upon the millions of taste cells on that parched perishing tongue.

To life, for life, of life. The ratfink, the golden cheese chaser and the lady.

Virtual reality game level one million and one..

“Where are we now Tanya?”

“Weeeeeelllll....making shit turn to spiritual gold and biting down hard on that silver spoon my silver tongued but poisonous mercurial half sister used to taunt me about.”

As soon as I begged the gods to help me prosper, to help me find my nîche so I can get out of the deadman’s wall I have been stuck in for decades, they sent me golden cufflinks and silver forks and inspired me to make jewellery.

Um what? I never made any money in Jewellery in the past. No money from my knitted faeries either. So what the fuck?

...”it’s a hobby...like pulling wings off flies and trapping them in a jar”

“Listen here you cosmic psychopath, I am working my arse off to gain nothing but sore hands, and overcompensatory nervous system breakdowns and I fear failure and it’s dogging me like a rotten corpse again, stinking up my morning!”

(Laughter from the spheres)

“Wax on wax off...there is no try but do and do and create and see what happens...like every time you fell in love with monsters...you dumb bitch...those leaps of faith, trusting in huMANity and getting burnt to the ground each and every time...

But where are you now...Tanya-le...alive and well enough to co-create with the gods like the Berserker Queen we built you to Be!

TRUST IN US AND YOUR PROCESS!!”

Tanya-le meekly murmurs... “but I am so tired and have been unwell for 56 years..when will I find my peace and my prize! My home by the sea, maybe even in Byron Bay, when will you let me have all my wildest and yet not totally unreasonable or unmerited dreams manifest?”

They waggle bony fingers at me!

“Patience, daughter of Odin, Adonai, Shechinah and Gaia. Star child and hobbit body and heart of Titanium. We are breathing new life into you, after waking you up from that deep freeze that kept you a zombie when life was so cruel and untenable...did we Not?!”

“Yes...but...”

“We sent you Earthangels with messages of love, light, hope and inspiration...and still you doubt us?!”

“Yes yes I have lived in hell for so long... so long that life is a dangerous precarious existence and even in the summerlands of eternal sunshine I fear it’s all a delusion.

I am uplevelling in your game I did not want to play. I have the power of the x button...you know I can choose life or death on a whim.”

“...and we know little Tanya that you will be sent back and back as we have work to be done and we want you to be on earth to see the rejoicing and the triumph of all your soul’s deepest yearnings. Aight?!”

All right....Can you please let my love bloom and bring me peace and comfort and joy for the remainder of my time on earth? Pleaseeeee...thank you!”

“Are you begging us like a pathetic little submissive, Tanya?”

(Shucks my shoulders)...”what else can a mere mortal do when trapped by her own mortality?”

“Why...what else? WHAT ELSEEE???

Queen Up! Rise and Shine and experience the Divine, brook no fools or vapid vituperous vipers, send those snakes back to hell, the seedsowers of doubt and fear and trauma can just Moulder away in the numinous light that was always...always...Yours.

We love you Tanya. We love your courage and your anxiety. We love your Truth and your Light. We love your striving and your communion with us.

We See you and we know you “see” us. The I and the Thou are One.

Blessèd be!

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16 May 2020

9:10 am. shabbat Shalom. Saturday morning. I am awake. It’s a bit breezy outside. The neighbourhood is lit with a golden sunlight. Quiet. Unnaturally quiet as is the new paradigm these days.

I slept well apart from an hour of wakefulness during the night. I have been battling exhaustion.

I have had a few lovely weeks. Lots of joy and love from my friends old and new.

I feel like a lid has been lifted off my ever-seething pot and the gods are checking on me to see how well done I am! Cooking in my own stew, bubbling up a storm of contentment instead of trauma, and resentment. Unusual! A reprieve!

This is what happens when you set yourself free from psychic vampires and other worse assorted abusers. You start to breathe again.

The crows are very active in my garden this morning. I call them Heckle, Jeckle and Schmeckel. Heckle is cawing at the dog and Schmeckel one is cawing in a tree above my head. They are happy. Sons and daughters of Odin! Bringing joy to the Sacred Space garden in their raucous unmelodic way.

What news from the underworld, Kinderlach?! “The spirits are restless. We have much work to do!” Aye, that we do, my loves...that we do. But I came late to the party of consciousness and my bones are old and my hands are gnarled and swollen.

Psy sighs...I will do as you ask of me and write my weird musings as that too is “work” and a joy and often a whetting and whelping of old wood in my psyche. A kvetch and clinch and a cascade of cataclysmic delights. Shhh. Quiet now, Tanya-le.

16 May 2019

I had intense dreams about seeing my half-sister Angela and I confronted her about the fact that she is a paedophile enabler and a traitor to me.

I had a second dream about driving a long distance with some kind of contraption that looked like a washing machine drum and leaving it there. Then driving back later on to find a huge lime tree in its place.

I had “planted” it on a council verge at a cross roads near a freeway. I pulled half the tree down and was joyous about the limes, almost gloating. I observed that behind fences on adjoining private land there were also other fruiting trees that had miraculously grown up around it. I went to what was left of the contraption, folded it up and put it in the boot of my car. I felt satisfied with my “mission” or work.

The second dream is absurdist but the first dream with my sister has me feeling creeped out and concerned. I do not want that fucking evil perverted energy around me. She did not protect me as a child and failed to protect me as an adult woman. She is the lowest form of scum.

I took a shower to wash my hair and prayed to G-d to return all energy attachments that are not for my highest good to their Original Source. Especially that of my former family members who were so sadistic and perverted.

I thought about calling Heidi (Angela’s half sister) to tell her to tell Angela that I desire no contact from her ever again for the rest of eternity. Not even in my dreams. But Heidi is fragile, a fellow sufferer of depression and a religious Christian fanatic who will not understand my intention to protect myself.

Perhaps their father has died? He is 96. But the dream was not about him but about me reclaiming my power by confronting her. No point in that. She is a disgusting coward with zero respect for me, her baby half sister.

I already called her out during the will dispute. Her response: declared me dead. Hahaha. I had been “dead” for 30 years and when I finally spoke my truth and demanded justice, respect and my rightful inheritance which could be seen as compensation after long decades of their abuse, I was conveniently “buried” again.

So perhaps the spirits are healing me or perhaps they are trying to tell me of Hans’s impending death or perhaps the broken sleep from my cats getting me up all night and then the dog at dawn is fucking with my sleep apnoeac brain.

I am rising above all the evil bullshit of my family of origin. I have danced myself back into my own power. I have shucked off more psychic vampires in the guise of false friends and sexual partners than you can poke a stick at. Every time they try to attach I rebuke them and the “legion” that ride with them.

They will never bask in the warm glow of my love or compassion again. I am sealing my energy fields so that I can keep the love I poured out on cruel vapid and at times evil people for myself. I think I deserve that love I gave away so easily and with such pure intent.

Oh and in spite of my cptsd nightmares and difficult reality. I am

Fucking Happy right now. I have journeyed to hell and back a million times and I have grown powerful in my own spirit because of the love I gave.

Blessed Be the Holy One who brings Light and Love and Joy back into my Neshamah. Amen

Update 2020: Angela and Heidi and Sanni’s father Hans Paede did die last December. So my prediction was right. He lived to 97. Heidi then sent me a letter I had written when I was 9 which was cathartic. In it I mentioned the yellow Teddy bear. I burnt him on 27 April which has released a few more ancient locks on my heart and spirit.

16 May 2017

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/WzFmuKrXsiBP9zNa/?mibextid=MOktm1

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Interesting morning. Old unexpected connections popping up out of the woodwork. Lovely to see.

16 May 2015

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5.10 am. Sitting at MacDonalds. Big night. Some crazy man asked me to gamble with his 'spare' $400. I played Blackjack. I warned him I would lose his money. He didn't care. We were up to $700.

Well, I was! Then he started putting $100 down each bet. I was furious! But it was his money. At the end of that he gave me $90. Just because! He asked for my phone number.

So I met a generous guy, and came home with a profit lmao. He didn't hassle me for sex either. Well, a bit but not too badly. Well. That was unusual!

Oh and when I arrived, I brought my street friend Katrina 2 pairs of socks. She was delighted. I had planned to hang out with her but I got sidelined.

George the busker told me she was sorry to miss me and she loves me. I told him I love her too. He said he gave her $10. I told him he was a good man.

16 May 2014

The time has come the Walrus said, to speak of many things. Of Sailing ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings.

Curious and curiouser. The Owl and the pussycat went to sea in a beautiful pea green boat. And so it is, just like they said it would be...

I had a lovely time last night. Crystal's play was funny and quirky and absurdist. Set in London. After the show, one of the mature male actors flirted with me which was flattering but a tad alarming. My Full Moon manifestation and my dying 'mones and my Mojo must have kicked in last night!

I went to the pub and danced with Irma then when the pub closed, I went to the casino. I met a man. It was rather trippy as he had so many factors in common with another man I know. English, bright, articulate, tidy, into music, massage, well travelled. I find it a bit odd that men are coming into my orbit thick and fast but not staying. Shields up! Lol!

I am content with my life at the moment. I prefer to be safe, comfortable and happy than shackled to domesticity to a man who is not really 'into' me. It will take someone really special to get me to trust them enough to let them in my life for the long term.

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Last night was a profoundly spiritual lesson. The synchronicities fell thick and fast, almost a hurdy gurdy rollercoaster ride. First the play with the trolley and the song, then the passionate overture of one of the actors after the play. Then later, the "Yorkshire Gypsy" as he called himself.

He reminded me that "Like cures Like", that he was attracted to me by my pink glasses as they told him I am a character who "doesn't give a fuck about what people think" and reminded me that I have to keep positive as I do have plenty of choices in my life even though I have a very confined safe lifestyle in my little Housing Commission home on my little pension. (I very much doubt that but it was nice to meet a "peter pan adventurer" who was fully engaged with Life).

He gave me a lovely massage and was off to England on Wednesday to see his frail 82 year old mother. So ships passing in the night but all good. My manifestation prayers are answered and my dearest wishes are being presented to me. In the Fullness of Time, the right man will come, and stay.

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Shabbat Shalom! I am heading out for another night out. Living life to the Fullest and enjoying the spiritual lessons along the way.

16 May 2011

Three toasted baked bean sandwiches for dinner, while watching "Come, Fly with Me", the Little Britain team, was a treat. Now thinking about Tuesday so I can afford...........ch...ch....choco....la...te. Or more likely actual groceries might be an idea lmao.

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You know how I had such a great day yesterday, then spent the early evening mired in cravings for chocolate and goon lol. Well I didn't end up drinking any goon and definitely had no chocolate but the sweetest thing of all happened instead. Crystal visited and played Ukelele and we sang, then we got Maccas.

I had such a lovely night with my daughter and you know, the planets are in alignment, and yesterday was a very happy day. So today I spent the day sleeping, but gosh, it's great how after the absolute horror of my life, moments in Time when I was ready too leap off this Carousel of an Oblong Planet, good things do and can happen. Glad I didn't post my Time card and check out when I felt like it cos I'd have missed out on so much Good Stuff! Wooohoooo!

So the Moral of this Story is what's better than Miss India, Chocolate and Wine????? An amazingly talented daughter who plays beautiful music for her mother and sings and just enjoys the moment when things are for once right with the world. Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

16 May 2010

I saw the Will Mum made out in contemplation of marriage to Buck. It was full of sickening heinous lies about me. I doubt even my mother actually really wrote all that stuff or even that it is her signature. But it's hard to fight evil ghosts who leave residual hatred for me, even after death. I hope they are hotfooting it with the Great Master for their vicious evil ways right now.

Why I really appreciate my possums, my dog, my cats right now. My true friends, supporters and my lovely garden and animals are the only thing real I have left right now.

16 May 2009

My bf says he loves me but he'll get over me eventually, my daughter wants to see me shovelled into a one bedroom unit, or preferably homeless, I lost my diamond nose stud this morning...so all in all it's been a great day.

Update 2020: Prelude to the fall...I don’t miss him. Found the nose ring and daughter, after experiencing her own home instability in the UK, now admires my little govt home and garden. Life is weird.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons