Memories: 15 January 2026

15 January 2026

4:31 am The Tanya is greeting the sun. I didn’t fry! But lack of sleep meant I was actually awake to see the rising of the sun. So beautiful. A gorgeous rose coloured horizon. Earlier, around 3 ish the curlews set up a loud shrieking. They weren’t sleeping either.

So I got up, toasted the last of the pita bread and ate it with hummus cos I forgot to eat dinner last night. Sometimes I need to eat to settle to sleep….just like a baby…..awwwww! Now the kookaburras are laughing! Time to practise sleeping for a few hours before Ratih arrives at 10 am. Will I do it….succumb to the Astral? Psy sighs….maybe!

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8:56 am here I am…back in the room. Awake and fully present and accounted for! Four hours sleep at last. Better than nothing. The results say 7 hours but the first three were me just lying supine but with my brain on fire. lol. I was right that eating would settle me down.

Funny thing about taking that dawn photo was I looked up just before I went back into the house and I am fairly sure my neighbour Timsa was watching me silently from his back veranda. He likes to watch the dawn most mornings.

I didn’t say anything as I was barely awake but I don’t know if it’s creepy or comforting that he was watching me, standing in the early dawn with my hair everywhere, in my dressing gown (thank the goddess I didn’t go out naked like I wanted to!) I looked down at my dressing gown which had opened most of the way down my chest but thankfully my boobs weren’t on display but it would have still looked alluring.

I just stared briefly and stumbled back to my bedroom to hurl myself at sleep. I am grateful that he is a decent man who has never been sexually threatening with me unlike my other neighbour who died in 2018.

He wasn’t smoking which is unusual so I hope it wasn’t him and it was just a shadow. Lol. But I know he too, had been awake since about 2 ish because each time I got up his light was on and his windows were open at the back of his house.

He’s a highly intelligent man and I have observed that on nights when I have bad insomnia, he seems to also have it. I laughed to myself that I should have called out “Nice to see we are both NOT Sleeping together again tonight” but that would have sounded wrong on so many levels lol.

But those curlews shrieking in the night were eerie and right next to both our rooms, in the trees that border both our houses, so perhaps he got woken by them too. Although I had been marking time behind my eyeballs hours before they set up a hew and cry.

Anyway, good morning, another day in Paradise!

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https://youtu.be/-YtZjJR9py8?si=1D7uFTBVAGWtfKcU “Chapter 36: Boudica, Dreaming the Serpent Spear”

15 January 2025

2:05 am for my next trick….farrrrrrkkkkkkk….. my mask (rhinoceros beetle) just snapped so the straps can no longer be held in place. So now I need to buy a new one. Livid!

Backsliding to my own obliteration! Did I mention..livid?

I had a dream of crushing a rhinoceros beetle about a month before this verkachte contraption came into my life and stuck to my face! lol. Crushed it all right!

Oh well, hopefully they will let me buy it on zip pay…more fucking debt…just when I was getting things under control.

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6:30 am I just woke up to a melody and the line “and I don’t know if I’ve ever been loved, by a hand that touched me…” frantic google…It’s “Push” by Matchbox Twenty. I check my results. 6.2. Not good but from 2:30 am I had to wrap the mask straps in a haphazard fashion to hold it to my face as the plastic snapped off. Oh well…it’s a living.

Zombie Corpse Crones who just won’t die have to scramble through life…pushing themselves through the membrane of life and death each night, being serenaded by their own subconscious while clutching to what’s left of their sanity like mad Queens of their own Becoming…because…Nu? What else can we do?!

You gotta laugh at my subconscious though. “I wanna push you around, I wanna take you for granted…”. Yeah…nah. I take nothing for granted. Life is powerful, magickal and a co-creationship with the gods, other mortals, our Earth. Life is fragile, delicate, a finely wrought balancing act and a series of breaths that expand and contract for as long as you allow it. So I will allow it…for now lol.

https://youtu.be/HAkHqYlqops?si=ypqIx2gK9c-urH15

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12:30 pm. In the quest for future continuance, longevity, better sleep or rather better breathing in my sleep….the rhinoceros beetle BITCH is BACK. Hahaha. $220 later. Shit…but not so funny.

They tell me the mask needs replacing every 6 - 12 months. So for me that’s two per year since I fight demons in my sleep with my cptsd and wear the plastic parts out.

Hmmmm. I look so ugly while I am trying, in all dedication and perseverance, NOT to die. Wellll….. here we go Babies, another 6 months in “paradise” if the gods let me heal from this…or how long will I have to endure this contraption?

The lovely young man told me my sleep results might be backsliding due to leakage in the mask and if they don’t improve I may need to see the sleep specialist to adjust the pressures. (More money ughhh!)

It might explain why my bladder has been demanding more attention during the night too. Fortunately only three times a night but still better than the 12-20 times I used to barely cope with. Life…..???? Be in it?…..

15 January 2023

10:48 pm I am hot and sweaty and my bones ache. But I have finished setting up my new cabinet. There are three shopping bags of beads that I could not fit so there will be more Tetris-ing in the coming days. I broke some small glass bottles so had to vacuum as well.

I also changed over cabinet knobs. But I achieved a lot. 🙂

Tomorrow morning I am going to see the Disney exhibition with Crystal and Jarrod do that is exciting!

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By the grace of all the gods but especially by the beautiful gracious assistance of Lyn, Peter, Bailey and Rodney and Mirelle, I now have this new (secondhand) step cabinet. I bought it for $50 which is a bargain.

I removed the old hutch (that belonged to my Dybbuk mother) and placed it on the verge so someone else might utilise it.

But I am happy and grateful for my new acquisition! 🙂

I have washed it completely and smudged it. So it is purified and blessed.

15 January 2022

15 January 2021

I need to trust my gut or my spirit more often. Yesterday I was riddled with anxiety and agitation before even going to the skin doctor. Every cell in my body was trying to warn me of the danger. Like a fool I let my mind override my intuition. Bad mistake.

The trouble is I have yet to find a doctor that I am safe with, apart from my psychiatrist who is a Mensch and always has my back.

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I had my debrief with my psychiatrist today. I had sent him a copy of my status update about the skin doctor. He too, was furious about the way I was treated. He said it was narcissistic and abusive. I said “Whatever happened to the Hippocrates Oath (first do no harm!)”.

I told him he is the only doctor I have had in the 32 years of living in Queensland who has always been decent, respectful to me...the rest were bastards! My previous psychiatrist was always kind and respectful to me also.

I have been in therapy with my current psychiatrist for just over 10 years.

He says he is going to find out about a network of doctors who specialise in treating sexual Abuse survivors, whom he believes will treat me with dignity. He says I need to feel safe and that I can trust my doctors. I agreed. That is absolutely vital to my continuing survival on this planet. Especially as I age and become even more vulnerable.

I told him he is the only doctor I trust implicitly. He has worked hard to protect me and keep me safe. A truly good man. I am grateful for him and the other truly good kind noble trustworthy people in my life. You are deeply precious to me.

Update 15 January 2025: Which is why I got very livid about the comment about my pearls. If I can’t trust him anymore...then what…the..actual…fuck?!

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Today I was unfriended by a woman who runs a crystal shop in Melbourne. Yesterday I wanted to buy a Crystal from her to support her and her business and when she did not have the size I require (size does matter... people! Along with respect and integrity!!) she told me to use sandpaper. WTAF?!

She has been on my personal page for a long time and claims to be a psychic reader and a psychologist. Another nasty fucking fraud.

I don’t need her crystals or her lousy attitude anyway. I can easily source one on eBay or in local shops (thereby avoiding the cost of postage and her nastiness!) .

But this was just another example of how I have actual Spies on my page who sit on here like squalid toads but are actually not friends or even actually friendly.

So fuck off and enjoy the fish (or however the Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy ends!) Lmao.

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The Medicare rebate went in last night. That’s interesting. The nasty little receptionist told me it would take two days and gave me the impression I had to go to Medicare in person.

Thanks Medicare. That is some nicety out of that horror.

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I bought this from Book Depository and it arrived today. Napoleon’s fiancée is my namesake. She later became the Queen of Sweden.

A year ago I gave the German copy (along with many other valuable books in German) to Richard Mahler to give to his mother as I thought she might enjoy them.

It occurred to me that my Auntie Lotte probably sent them to my mother intending them for me to read (hoping I would learn or improve my German). There was also a copy of Gone With the Wind and an exquisite art book and some poetry books.

Anyway I decided to replace the Desiree one and later I might buy Gone With the Wind. I have already started reading it and it is already pleasurable.

The Tanya the Desired One is on one of her missions....hopefully no short insufferable tyrannical trumped up Napoleons on my hit parade. I hate narcissists and psychopaths in my immediate vicinity.

Still it’s always fascinating to read about historical figures and imagine how their lives were like.

15 January 2019

I had a lovely hot day. I went to Bunnings and bought scoria and potting mix, pond blocks and a bucket with the gift card Lyn gave me. (Thanks Lyn 🙂 ).

I came home and made a filtration system with the scoria for my big pond. It took a bit of mucking around to get it right but it is all working now.

I felt exhausted from working in the sun and my legs are aching from the heat so I went to have a wee lie down.

I need to take Bobo for a walk this evening.

15 January 2018

Just saw my nephew and his beautiful family on Messenger. They arrived yesterday and are staying in Broadbeach. They are coming to visit me. It could have been today but I made plans to go to Coochiemudlo with Jarrod and Jenny.

Mark’s children are delightful and are keen to see my house and meet all the animals. Very cute!

15 January 2017

Massive earache since last night. I am taking strong paracetamol (again). The ear has been grumbling for days along with the tooth pain. I get paid on Tuesday so will have to go to the doctor and get more antibiotics which I dread as the last ones made me sick.

Anyway I had a good sleep last night. Lying around with my sock full of Himalayan salt to try to churn out the infection.

I will HEAL. Determined. I have my book to write, places to go, people to see, life to live.

But my ear says "Hell no, I am gonna slow my precious right down!" A temporary glitch in the Matrix. I am the Undeadable Zombie Warrior Woman of Love Light and Truth and I shall overcome even my own sickness.

Yeah right. But hey, (insert growl here). I do keep trying.

15 January 2016

I have gathered together toiletries to give to my homeless friend. Shampoo and conditioners. Sample packets I have accumulated. A big bottle of pomegranate shower gel. Mostly smaller things so, easy to carry. I was surprised as I thought I had so little but there was a bit of a stockpile. I will ask her to give away anything she doesn't need to other homeless women.

I feel like it's time I decluttered and put my stuff to good use. Funny thing is I am dead broke and will be drinking water tonight but I feel like a millionaire being able to help out my friend who is even less fortunate than I. So the wheel of fortune turns. I love her. She deserves the best and so do I.

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Today I am praying hard. For prosperity, true loyal faithful love in a commitment that lasts for the rest of our lives together, for healing of my trauma and depression (in short, a miracle!), for all blockages, walls and impediments to be removed that have stymied my creativity and success all my life.

First it was my family of origin that held me slave to fear, doubt, depression, oppression, suppression, that filled me with a sense of immense failure and disgust, that taught me I was worthless. Then it was in my marriage and after my divorce, an explosion of attacks on my life. Here I am, a survivor. Still praying, hoping, wishing, yearning to Thrive.

I had a taste of glorious triumph after the will dispute ended and I had my small windfall of inheritance. A tiny fraction of what was supposed to come to me. Even my lawyers were shattered and horrified and cut their own fees (almost unheard of!) so I had enough to buy my car and fix my teeth and buy a bed. Heroes.

I too, was a hero! I went out into the world, to places even angels fear to tread. I was their Witch, their Angel, their Muse, according to the gods of their understanding. I stood in my own Mana and held my own amongst murderers, thieves, drug dealers and princes of the night.

I learned I am powerful. I counselled young women, survivors like me, that their lives are not dirty, wasted or useless. That only their abusers taught them that and they must fight that belief as it is wrong.

It is a mantle of death and despair that they put on but must stand under it, naked, radiant and clean! That one day they will throw that coat of filth to the ground and trample on it.

They will put on a new cloak, the coat of many colours, the coat of psychedelic dreamers everywhere, perhaps Joseph's cloak. Their mantle will be rich and woven with love, experiences of profound joy and meaning.

It may be invisible to human eyes but it will cast a gleam of pure radiance in your own eyes. It will make mortals step out of your way, or grovel at your feet, or love you with a love that is pleasing, nurturing, accepting.

Never again, will you bite down on the bitter poison that is Neglect, Abandonment, Betrayal and a seeping wound that is Grief for a life that was robbed from you, even as a small child.

You will sing, or dance, or play, or write, or jump into puddles, or swim, or play beautiful joyous music, or build things with your hands. Your creativity will fill your days and nights with happiness and satisfaction. No one will ever rob you of your joy. Ever again.

For to do so, brings only death-like dissolution. Once you were untouchable in your gilded cage that kept you safe. Now you are untouchable in your Valour, Zest for life and deep deep love for yourself and those in need of your love and support.

A lone wolf walks the paths that others may tread. Alone. Beautiful. Wise. Fierce. She honours those brave enough to walk with her at the end, but her journey has been a lonely one. Solitude brings peace after a lifetime of ugliness.

She sniffs the winds, surveys her territory. Storm coming...wildness sets her soul free. Welcome! Wild things cannot, must not be tamed, shamed or blamed. We do or not do, according to our inner guidance. We must be free.

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My depression/fatigue is bad today. Just chilling, waiting for the heat to dissipate and keeping my mind calm as much as possible.

15 January 2015

My Handsome Friend, Jarrod is home from Holland. He had an amazing time. Harvey is happy to see his Daddy.

Jarrod bought me a little mirror and 2 Delft 4's for my house. Gorgeous!

He bought Crystal a bag which says "Amsterdam".

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In 3 months time, I will be 50. I wonder what the next few months have in store, as I complete my 49th cycle? It's been another intense year. I hope the next decade, if I am blessed to live so long will be settled and serene.

‘Tis true. I was born a month early so I must be well over 50 now 😞

Although I try not to count my first 8 months gestating in that psychomama screeching her way into imminent Maternity. My sister told me my parents started violently fighting the very day they got pregnant with me. Apparently they were very much in love before I became their after-thought.

Use condoms, people! I did not sign up for being the blessing and curse of my parents' lack of planned familiarising of the sexual kind. Ew! Cheers Fanx a lot for the Coupling, you Mad Bad Bastards! (My sister also told me I was a Failed Abortion and did I regret my determination to be alive today?)

(Well, often, actually...but I'm here, not square anymore and Hell Bent on Thriving for the rest of my days. Losing my original family of psychopathic Narcissists...too posh to push so they endeavoured to kill me in other ways, has been simply Marvellous, Darlings. Simply something to be Marvelled. But I Kvell!)

Update 15 January 2025: lol 60 in three months. My fifties were hell…but life has been smoothing out since my beautiful Beauregard’s death on 1 August 2023.

I have wonderful friends, Charley and an even deeper relationship with the gods/fae/angels than ever before. I wonder if I am dying or dementing? …But in the meantime...I keep dancing and living my best life. I deserve to be happy and loved and safe! We all do!

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15 January 2014

The Full Moon is nigh. Tomorrow night. So I am feeling lonely, bored, fractious, driven by my love-lust potentialities but unsatiated lol. A bit mysterious, ready to leap into the Unknown, untested and who knows?? Rock on Friday night for the epic Howling -this Wolf Woman hears the Call.

Update 2021: Too much “tested” now. Stop it. I have nothing and no one to prove!

Update 2020: Eerily I hooked up with Dave only 5 weeks later and thus began one of my most enduring love obsessions. I would have gotten over it way earlier, except he still stalks me with his tarts occasionally lmao. But I am no longer making contact. Waste of my heart, time and energy.

Although we could have been in a beautiful relationship were it not for the envy and spite of my scumbag casino friends who went all out to sabotage my happiness.

Still in all, he played into their spite so masterfully. So now...after 6 years of suffering...they can all fuck off.

I discovered recently how poorly they think of me. They were never friends or people who actually respected me. Horrible. But now I know I can move on with my head high.

Someone out there will adore me. I need to get free of shallow sick perverted people. Then my life will recalibrate and blossom Again.

I often wonder what it is about me that makes these awful people so malicious and envious. I never interfered or sabotaged any of their relationships. I am always genuinely happy for my friends when they have lovers.

Says more about the calibre of person I am I guess. It is soul destroying and heartbreaking to realise that I wasted 8 years in that scene only to be constantly abused (both to my face and behind my back!).

But a real man would never have played into their filthy treacherous hands. I must remember that!!!

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Bit weary today. Went with Gail, Christina and Taylia to Target then Maccas then Cannon Hill to pet shop and pharmacy.

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Thinking about Stalking Travis Fimmel on Twitter but I don't even have a Twitter account. Those eyes...I could drown in them and breathe the air he breathes right outta his chest. Or better yet, fall asleep on his chest and wake up to his smiling oceans of soulful depths.

I know… Creepy, but I am only a mere Viking Woman.

Gail says "Shield Maiden, Tanya". Lol

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Sarah and I had a lovely time listening to Woody sing and play Acoustic guitar at Irish Murphy's. We danced as well. A great night.

Sarah was happy to be out in the world again. I was worried about someone knocking her sunnies and hurting her recovering eyes but she was ok.

Now home with Miss Penny who is delighted to have me home.

Update 15 January 2025: That ignoble treacherous creature! Never mind…I learnt a valuable lesson. Never gift my time and energy to psychic vampires. (Not Woody…Woody is cool and a brilliant musician!)

15 January 2013

I am in love with a beautiful man. Wonder if I will ever meet him again? Guess it's in the hands of Hashem and I have to keep waiting....oh well. Having fun dancing.

Wish I had money so I could go out every night but don't so can't…so that sucks but time will take care of all my foibles.

Sylvia Shine: Someday,he will come along,the man i love,he will be big and strong,the man i love,so dream on Tanya,who knows,what maybe in store for you.Have hope. x x x x x x

Update 15 January 2025: lol Auntie Sylvia my Jewish Cockney English rose meant well for me, although she afflicted me with my first and only husband. She did apologise for that!

15 January 2012

Friday Night I met the most gorgeous man! So hoping we see each other again! I had an amazing time!

Heather Abramson: Great, but tread carefully.

Sylvia Shine: how's the love affair going?fingers crossed,give the gossip calipso,do tell,dying to hear,good luck.watch that tarot;;;;;;;;;;;;;; x x x

Me: Lol Sylvia.... I made a Premature Enunciation. Haven't seen or heard from the young man again but no matter, I may come across him again and if not, plenty of fish in the sea as long as I don't get Dry-Docked Lol.

In the meantime, I am still manifesting True Love and Prosperity so you never know I might hit the jackpot one day! I've also been doing some artwork this week so been feeling a bit more creative even though I am sleeping so very much!

Tarot is cool but I don't take the Facebook one too seriously and just comment when it happens to resonate with what I'm going through at the time.

Crystal has met a guy from Sydney and is talking about moving down there. So it's all happening for the Arons' Women LOL. xxxx

Sylvia Shine: goodo,hope this is the one for her. x x x

Me: Hahaha Crystal now tells me she is going to continue dating Men in Brisbane...which is a relief to me...but a worry for the lad in Sydney lmao. She seems to be having fun though, and I'd prefer her to have quite a few options. xxx

15 January 2011

Michelle Sklow Stevens: Pleased to hear you are all having fun. I have had to explain to Cliff the Woolies jingle, now I am singing it.

Woolies the fresh food people.la la la. Infectious isn't it.

15 January 2010

Sylvia Shine: Tanya,I'M SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR MUM,SOMETIMES,LIKE NOW,I WISH I WAS IN GA GA LAND.GLAD YOU GOT YOUR CAT BACK,HE'S A USER,AFTER 4 YEARS,HE FINDS HE NEEDS YOU,OH WELL,HE KNOWS WHERE HIS BREAD IS BUTTERED.HOPE YOU ARE KEEPING WELL,I'M NOT SO GOOD AT THE MOMENT,WHO KNOWS,MAYBE IT WILL PASS,84 IS NOT SUCH A NICE PLACE TO BE.EEP WELL,LOOK AFTER YOURSELF,ALL MY LOVE,SYLVIA X X X X X X X

Adrian Shine: you are in Ga Ga land mum!

Me: Yeah like all the males in my life, they take and take then move on to greener pastures. I must admit, it hurts slightly less when the cat does that. After all cats are notorious for "choosing" their owners and my Zulu always preferred the company of men to us women.

I'm really up and down mood-wise, was a tough time at the end of the year and watching Mum go into some sort of decline is not helping.

Hey Age, leave your Mum alone, maybe Ga Ga land is not so bad after all. Sylvia, stay in your Happy Place, I try to live there as much as possible but I need major drugs to see me through LOL. Such is life as I know it. Hasn't been an easy one but that's the cards Hashem dealt me.

I hope you feel better soon, and you are just having a case of the Blahhhhhs like I've had since New Years...lol. At 84 years of age, you really inspire me. It means you can just keep going and life just keeps unfolding so enjoy the ride, and the magic that each day brings.

love you heaps and I always remember your kindness to me, and the fun and laughter we shared (with Gisela), bis 120 darling, I think you should live long enough to be a major problem to your kids LOL...I know I intend to!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons