Memories: 14 June 2025

14 June 2025

9:20 am Shabbat Shalom. Boker Tov! (Good morning!) I woke with beautiful words of a story or prose poem pouring out of my mind like a champagne supernova. Literary genius delights I can’t hold onto. But…it’s there in the ether…calling to me to be made manifest.

There was a sensation of deep love and healing, of recognition, of kindness. A return to bliss. If I could bottle that and sell it to the world it would be worth quadrillions. But it slips like mercury, stands out in the Void, shining and smiling at me.

“It’s yours, Tanya!” Not just between worlds as you arise into full consciousness…but Always and forever…Yours!

I nod. Mmmk…let’s do this life. One step at a time. One breath at a time. Real authentic love is available to me. Somehow…somewhere.

It seeks me and holds space for me in a dance of trust, of intimacy and of deep valour and honour. It was witnessed. It was held. It was precious.

Psy sighs…. On we go, hurtling through the zombie apocalypse, singing our cosmic songs to each other…echoing in a dimension where we are united in a sweetness and a gentleness….gifted to each other.

Alive, fully activated…vibrating in a frequency only we two can hear/see/touch.

A love that thrives…a love that continuously blossoms…a love that is meant for me.

….

From “Archaeology news and architecture”:

Could you imagine gazing upon the face of a king who walked the Earth over three millennia ago, his features astonishingly preserved, almost as if he merely sleeps? Such is the captivating reality of King Seti I, whose mummy stands as one of the most remarkably intact human remains in Egyptian history. His very name, "Seti," meaning "Belonging to the god Set," hints at the profound religious and cultural context of his reign.

Seti I ruled Egypt at the zenith of its power, a period of grandeur and prosperity that saw significant military campaigns and monumental building projects. He passed away approximately 3,298 years ago, leaving behind a monumental legacy, most notably as the father of one of ancient Egypt's most celebrated pharaohs, Ramses II, often referred to as Ramses the Great. The era of Seti I also marked a peak in the sophisticated art of mummification. His preservation exemplifies the meticulous techniques of the New Kingdom, showcasing an advanced understanding of embalming.

Upon viewing his mummy, some observers are struck by its dark, almost black coloration and might mistakenly believe it was subjected to burning. However, this distinctive hue is a fascinating result of the chemical interaction between certain embalming materials and the body itself. Specifically, the use of **natron salt**, a naturally occurring mineral compound crucial to the mummification process, played a significant role. Natron contains various substances, including compounds that efficiently absorb fluids from the body and others that facilitate the formation of cells capable of inhibiting bacterial growth. It is this complex interaction, rather than charring, that imparted the dark, preserved appearance to his skin. While mummification techniques continued to evolve through subsequent dynasties, with the 21st Dynasty even seeing mummies painted to resemble natural skin tones, Seti I's mummy remains an unparalleled example of the artistry and scientific understanding of ancient Egyptian embalmers, widely regarded as one of the most perfectly preserved mummies ever discovered.

Me: I’m just here to watch all the pseudo-anthropologists and armchair warriors fight about race and old times religion. . Grabbing the popcorn.

Can’t we just for once in the natural world gifted by the gods just appreciate the beauty of SETI and the miracle that his embalmed body has survived through Millenia so you can squabble like knuckle dragging apes…all of you white/black, Christian/non-Christian should be ashamed of yourselves. Embarrassing!

This is why there is no peace in the upper and lower worlds. This is why we are a dying out species.

14 June 2023

Another beautiful day in “Paradise”. I didn’t sleep well or rather it took me several hours to finally settle down to sleep. My bladder and my brain kept sloshing and moshing in synchronous maladaptive behaviours.

I lay in bed for several hours until arising again at 2 am and ironically making a cup of tea and eating some banana bread which put me right to sleep.

I was not hungry. Or didn’t think I was? I guess my body just wanted acknowledgment and comfort.

I am still not feeling well mentally. Aware of all the abuse and dishonour and malfeasances. I wish I could access some cannabis so I could reset my spirit a little bit. But then I never wanted to rely on a crutch to navigate life.

My chocolate addiction is quite enough already :-). Which I am told that the price for chocolate is about to skyrocket. Of course…since the killjoys of our planet are sucking every last morsel of delight, comfort and joy from us so we stand leached out and gaunt and driven like hungry ghosts, shadow puppets and meat golems and robotic insentient cyborgs for their crass dishonouring ignoble suffocating plans for our future.

Anything to quite literally curb our enthusiasm for living life full throttled and satiated. Evil is what it is.

…

I went to Cocos to buy groceries, mostly fruit and vegetables. Then I took my ankle boots to the shoe repair shop in Eva Street Coorpooroo. Then I got home to unpack the groceries. I had completely forgotten I had my debrief today at 2 pm so rang my psychiatrist who was contented to do the session via Telehealth. But it was so unusual that I “forgot” my appointment especially as only a few hours earlier I had told Lyn on the phone that I had my debrief today.

So I am not travelling well I guess!

…

https://youtu.be/EuGHhjxo_Nk

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Snuggling with De Mama!

14 June 2022

It’s a lovely day. I am still not feeling great. I started by sitting on the grass in the backyard but the heat beating on my back (skin cancer sites) felt intense and I worried about burning the back of my neck.

I felt weak and fatigued so moved my hammock under the tree and here I lie, like the hanged Woman contemplating heaven and earth and swinging solipsistically between the two paradigms.

It’s feeling a bit cool now. I should get a blanket. But I am comfortable so I will just lie here until I can’t bear the cold or am moved by some other pressing urgency.

It’s been months since I lay under this tree. I am reading “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle. I never seem able to have complete mind silence. Always watching YouTube or other shows, always thinking thinking thinking worrying plotzing. The only time my brain gets peace is when I sleep.

I am filling myself up on everything in some random phobia that I might need some quirky arrant piece of information for my future survival.

And we all know that’s bullshit and no way to live.

This morning I watched a video by Tina Kemp advocating that we need to be prepped for the imminent apocalypse. That she is prepared to kill to maintain her home and safety. I get it. Been there. Many many times. With two young children in tow.

So no, that’s no way to Live and it’s time we should stop manifesting the most horrific abhorrent philosophies of white supremist Christian values and stopped focusing on a fucking APOCALYPSE.

Fuck the predatory Christians and their raptures and their doom and gloom.

And yes, I have no problem fighting to preserve my own life. Been doing it for decades.

But now I am tired. Cut to pieces. Requiring healing and a world that is peaceful and elevated to a vibration that is inclusive of all life forms. With abundance. Joy. Soul nurturing.

The tree knows best: just be and weather all the seasons. Breathe. We got this!

14 June 2021

14 June 2020

I spent most of the day dressing my dolls (I washed them a few days ago). They had lain around in a plastic crate for 6 months or so. I sewed new elastic into their pantaloons and petticoats. Which took hours.

The two Pouty dolls have composite bodies and as they are all over 30 years old, need new elastic inside as all their joints and heads are loose. I had to dress them and sorta sit them carefully.

I put them in the display cabinet as frankly I am sick of them gathering so much dust on top of my other side dresser. They look a bit cramped in there but as two need major repairs it will keep them safe.

14 June 2019

4:09 am been in bed since 1 am. Intermittent sleeping due to irksome pain under my right rib cage. Possibly gallstones again. My torso is on fire (menopausal hot flushes) then when I throw off the doona, I encounter the chills. But I am so hot I have not needed the heater the past few nights.

My body is transmogrifying and I feel bone weary and soul weary. But I am remaining calm and stoic like a vessel cast upon high sea, tossed and steered by unknown waters, I plot my course to Nowhere and Everywhere.

Perchance to sleep some more...Boker Tov. Good morning. I am going back to sleep if I can.

…

14 June 2018

Trigger warning: child sexual abuse, unrequited love, general meshugass (madnessssssss).

Feeling a shift in my consciousness the past few days. Feeling validated, loved, respected (thank you Vivien), cherished (thank you Jarrod, Crystal and Nigel).

I have had to let go of all hope of a life lived gently in a long term sexual partnership with a beloved man. Recent events highlighted the deep love and suffering I have endured over the past 4 years: to no avail. Attempting to (finally!) move forward with another former partner was an interesting exercise in human frailty and bizarreness.

I am Woman, Hear me Roar but my worth and sexuality was silenced and stymied by yet another fool.

Somehow I am ennobled by it.

All the silent screams of all the little children buried deep inside the bodies of adults just trying to live for a gentle life, a life where we are seen and heard, uplifted, honoured and loved passionately and completely for whom we truly are, Warrior God/dess Spirits of Illumination and Majesty. Strong, Fierce, Indomitable: driving chariots of meat bodies with their strange needs for touch, for comfort and even for ecstatic orgasmic release.

My Berserker just sits and smokes and drinks a Jack Daniel or a cheap $5 wine (end stage cptsd has not been a financial boon to me) and laughs wryly and cynically until the laughter becomes an echoing Banshee-like shriek or a wail of a mourner when all but one is lost on this scum-sucking tortuous battlefield of a life.

Just for today: I walk alone and stand with head high and my voluminous chest proud and forward and don’t you dare look me in my eye as my gaze shall smite you, wormèd tongue of dereliction and deception, traitorous cur of desire and lost love of Desirée, She whom was created to be most belovèd of men but spurned and scorned by a wrath that seethes her and soothes her since her first dishonourable befoulment when she was 6 years old.

My warrior goddess keeps attracting damaged men seeking healing from my own brave struggle to survive and ultimately to thrive.

Like cures like. Well, yes, perhaps. But it also destroys, breaks down and festers and rots until the transformation occurs. A creature never seen before that ate itself, remoulded its form into something exquisite, free and obviously unattainable.

Rub a butterfly’s wings as she can no longer fly then she slowly dies. They rubbed my child’s flesh enough to kill me. Stood back and let it happen. Fêted the filthy fetid fucker that did it to me.

He was useful after all. Bought lavish presents, copious alcohol, cooked meals and cakes and contributed to the household coffers. My child’s “bride price” was too high.

Do you know that I will never let a man “buy” me or own me or destroy me ever again?!

My value is intrinsic. I only attract cheap lousy cuntish men now. I have not been on a date in 30 years. Only deemed good enough to fuck. The last lover even took back his lemonade. Haha.

I don’t need this life. This horror. This bullshit. I tried to die and failed. So now there is only one choice: to Live. Ebulliently. Fully. Courageously. With humour. With heart.

With a strength that flows through me like a river. Sometimes a deep limpid pool, still and broody. Sometimes a cascade of delights, bursting forth after a long dammed (damnable) blockade has been swamped by torrential flooding rains.

Mama T is back. She loves you. You there, you simpering knock-kneed cocksucker and you, you obsessive compulsive love rat.

Where were you when I needed you?!

Hahahaha.

And so it goes.. onwards and upwards.

Thank all the gods and the Holiest of the holy ones for my Neshamah and my true authentic friends and rare precious loves.

Grateful and humble for that much.

….

Gifts from Sacred Space!

…

A nice afternoon, listening to Heather Nova’s latter works on Spotify. She’s gone all lovely and mushy, bless her. Proof that eventually we all outgrow our trauma after we make enough money and find our (ahem!) gentle life.

I cooked an early dinner. Let my moods swirl up and down like an out of control Elevator. Moods pass. Lives slip through my fingers. Things/events/people unable to change will adapt all by themselves. With or without me.

All I have to do is wait...breathe..mark time...mark eons. Fly my pretties... all my little pretty ones...fly. Only the ones who truly love me will come back to me. In another life. Perhaps.

14 June 2017

I am grateful for my beautiful friends of my childhood and young adulthood Lynne, her mother June, Margaret, Taly and John who will never realise how much they saved me and inspired me that real love exists and good people too.

Also to my beautiful soulful friends who loved me when I came to live in Australia, Lyn and Jarrod and Carol Who were there for me in extremely dark times in my 30's and were always supportive and caring and loving.

Lyn and Jarrod who are still very much my anchors in my crazy flotsam jetsam life that I had to learn to surf on turbulent waves and terrifying becalmed seas of wallowing limbo and dragged me up by the hair from quagmires of quicksand.

To other dear friends I met on a Paltalk online who became real life friends who came to save me from my own suicide but were always there. Julie, you are an amazing beautiful light. To Sally who was also sitting by my bedside. Cheering me on, back into this nonsensical life.

To Efrain and our dear friend Rosie Price who made going to work at QPSA (that awful bullying workplace) such a comfort and a joy. I still remember when you came to my Chanukah party and what a lovely time we had. Also the staunch support Rosie gave to me so I could put on the Bat Mitzvah for Jasmine. A good kind Anglican woman. We did it! Together! There was so much food left over as half my Jewish invitees stood us up. Bastards. But we ate guacamole for an entire week!

To newer friends, Tee (no you are not stealing my hat Miss Tee!!!) and Terrie and Jenny and Karen who have been there for my wild renaissance, my blossoming on my gnarly old tree of life. For the dancing, for the laughter and frenetic mad joy.

For the wise ones of yore, Gordon Senator, Rabbi Uri Themal and John Bradley and his wife Nona who made going to shule such a joy with Kadimah and whom supported me through vicious salacious slander campaigns over 3 decades. For the three Rabbis who stood by me when it mattered.

I lost these wise strong bright influential people years ago but I have not forgotten their love and loyalty under extreme duress from Evil slanderers in my community.

I still have the beautiful amulets John made for me. I adored his artwork. I have cherished them all these years.

Dawn Spinks who helped me cut ties to my mother after she wrote me a vicious manipulative letter. Margot Salom who told me in 2000 that I was living like a person with battered wife syndrome and if I stayed in that situation I would lose all credibility and no one would ever support me.

So although I was dying inside and traumatised I found the courage (with a large loan from my then-dear friend Heather Abramson to move away and rent a house in Mt Gravatt East, in hiding until my Housing commission house came up and I was brought here to Holland Park, 14 years ago.

Where I should have been safe and peaceful and happy but a former close friend manipulated me into making contact again with my mother and down the fucking rabbit hole I went again. Bite me. Drink me. I lost more years with discord and lies and betrayals, the divestment of my young adult children, fake dvo's by Buck and so on until they died. Then the ugly will dispute.

But now, my friends, my life is finally awesome. I am free of the Gisela/David/Cees/Trevor/Angela/Michael-Terry-Gila-David D/Buck franchise of pure unadulterated condensed Hell.

Free of fake superficial friends and lovers. Free of dickheads/psychopaths/narcissists. Free of grief and fear.

I don't have money or a home that is my own anymore. I can't find a true love partner. No one wants a strange eccentric lonely older woman.

But I shep naches in my true friends. My daughter (even if she thinks I enslaved her lmao, I wish). My pets. My garden. My big dreams for a better life, surrounded by loving supportive genuine people.

I honestly never thought I would live this long or survive to thrive in a revelry and a harmony of bliss.

To the gods and humans on my side who led me forward, onwards and upwards. Thank you. I love you. I am grateful.

14 June 2016

Having my hair done by the beautiful Kylie Connolly. Sharing my epic Homerian life stories. What a strange life I lead and it is amazing how events and people are coming full circle.

…

I asked Bobo, "Do you think Mama will ever have a human male partner? You know, one that is intelligent, spiritual, loving, loyal and passionately into me? Like, Bobo do you think that is even humanly possible?"

He replied, "Did you think one of your abusive exes would ever stop by to say Goodbye on the way to the Stairway to Heaven?"

"Nah, No I didn't ever think that was possible".

Beauregard the Wise: "Then anything is possible!"

Me: "Don't be a smartarse, Bobo!"

Bobo: grrrrrr!

…

…

Laila Tov! I have a lunch date with my cousin Melvyn tomorrow. I have recharged my Go Card, got for $10 lunch.

Just enough to get me there and back again. I better sleep now or I will not make it tomorrow and I don't want to cancel our lunch again.

Integrity is everything! Which is why I am so furious with Clarry from Sidecuts Mowing. Another lying timewasting useless bastard who kept delaying the mowing so it would get too big a job and he could charge me more.

So I will be looking for someone reliable on Thursday/Friday.

I hope there is one decent tradesman left out there. Or I will have to get my own ride-on somehow.

14 June 2015

9.28 pm. Just woke up. I slept 12 hours! Utterly exhausted. Still happy though. I have an appointment in early afternoon tomorrow to get my hair done. That will be hard to get up for in time, but much needed.

All good. I will set 2 alarms and try to get to sleep early. It has been lovely, resting in bed. The house is so quiet it has a throbbing vibration to it. Might just be my snoring echoing in the walls.

…

I went out last night, full of feisty reserves from I don't even know where. Bear in mind my Asthma is still very bad. I had a euphoria. I am so in love with that man. So crazy out of my head over him. I know it's not rational. But you know, it feels so good. I don't even care that he is not wanting a relationship with me. Hope springs eternal!

I adore him for no good reason only that my heart insists upon it. I also scare the bejesus out of him. Such is my life.

Never ordinary, always extraordinarily weird, unfair, at times cruel!

But if I could bottle the love I have right now, and sold it as a love potion, I reckon I could make about a soushand dollarshhhh!

Along the way I am dancing with beautiful women and some nice men. Feeling sexy, vibrant, powerful and appreciated.

Then I go home to a quiet safe warm home with my beautiful garden, chooks, cats and happy goldfish.

Then I have to ask myself? What do I crave a partner for? To end up bored, devalued, left alone?

Blech! The good Lord knows what is best for me. I need to keep the faith that everything is utterly perfect and in order.

Achtung, Babies! :-)

…

Be home soon. My pussies and a stinking hot bath await. By G-d I had a fantastic night. I was wild, free, and fucking Happy! I went Off on the dance floor as Empire played my favourite rock songs.

Mmm stinky though! I sweated horribly.

I may have to increase the HRT dose. Still flushy, sweaty and a tad Feral. Hah!

…

6.39 am. At Maccas. 2 hash Browns and a coffee Frappe. I Dropped a nice married man home. He was actually a decent bloke. Mind Blown! He gave me $20 for petrol. Which was fair enough.

Another woman scammed $30 off him. I told him he has to watch that, lots of crooks at the casino. She hit me up for $25 but I was broke. Hmmm! Anyway I don't feel bad driving him home. I said he helped out the lady so it's my way of paying it forward. The Taxi cost him $80 to get into town. Far out!

14 June 2014

So my daughter brings me back my car and informs me that a friend wants me to house a Shetland Pony. I get momentarily excited. Then she tells me it's still wild and a Stallion. FML! :-). She says "what is the problem Mum. All wild things end up at your house eventually!"

….

I woke up at 11.30am. Only 6 hours sleep. Still resting in bed as my feet and legs hurt from all the dancing. Penny is purring beside me. It's been raining outside and surprisingly muggy for a winter's day.

The moon supercharged me last night. I felt wonderful! I had so much fun!

My love interest turned up last night and informed me that Love, Happiness and Money is just around the corner for me so wait.

I said "Money, where is that coming from?" He said "oh you might meet a Rock Star". I said, " ahh I had a brief infatuation with one last year but alas he wasn't interested" and giggled. This took the wind out of Dave's sails.

I told him I found his prophecy rather interesting and went back to dancing.

I must say he pushes and pulls like a mad dog. He amuses me greatly when he is not selling me off to imaginary rockstars!

I have thought about what he said though. I already have Love in my life, overflowing like a bubbling cauldron of magic potion made with only the sweetest and best ingredients: passion, tenderness, respect, spirituality, care, excitement, kindness, and the occasional dose of primal lust.

Happiness has come to my psyche like a warm balm after a decades-long battle with psychopaths and their lovers and off-spring and other spawn sent from the echelons of Hell to torment me. This causing a decades-long battle with Major Depression and PTSD.

Happiness I never thought possible and which is so deliciously abundant it has almost taken over a life-force of its own. For now I dance my pain, gain, shame, loss, fear, joy, love, lust, hopes and fears and spontaneously combust the old life and transmute it like an alchemist turning lead into gold, darkness into fireworks of splendour so that I am an explosive little keg of incendiary delights.

Money eludes me but I am thoroughly supported by the Universe who provides for me with enough. My needs are almost always met and my friends' generousity to me is beautiful and gracious.

Money is for me like a river, mostly flowing up hill with me dancing along beside it and drinking from its source when I need.

There is only one thing I want in this world that matters. To be Loved so I don't dry up and blow away like a forgotten husk like I already did for 30 years. My Zombie soul has transformed into a life-affirming iridescent butterfly as my friend Rosie Price once promised me I would become.

I hope I get to enjoy this new life for quite some years to come before the inevitable decline into old age and possible Alzheimers. More reason to suck every morsel of life while I can still synapse before I collapse.

Viva la Revolucion. Los Muertos del Dias. We rise again from my bed of consolation to look into the face of Love and receive His gentle Kiss.

…

At Crystal's watching True Blood and playing with my grandbunnies :-)

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons