Memories: 12 January 2026

12 January 2026

9:01 am

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https://youtu.be/SJF_Qv4aqVg?si=hipag-AV5iw9eZuZ

“Reading Part 4: Chapter 32 of Boudica, Dreaming the Serpent Spear.”

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12 January 2025

Oh my goddess…here we go! Another day in paradise. I danced so passionately and wildly last night but again did not quite reach catharsis or my trance zone. But I felt very grounded and attuned at a few points in my ecstatic shamanic type dance.

I got to see how silly I look as Fitxys posted live videos but I don’t mind. I have been dancing like this for many years.lol. It’s part defiance, part channeling, part soul expression, part performance art.

People were very kind to me. When I arrived a beautiful young woman said “I can see you working hard so I will bring you a chair to rest on” Very sweet of her!” Later I met a couple who were from Dunedin originally. Leanne also commented that she was impressed at how hard I was working!

I replied that I have supported the band (also Alter Egos!) as a volunteer Dancer for 14 years. But yes, lol I do take my “work” very seriously! I told her I appreciated her dancing with me as it feels a bit weird when I am the only one dancing all night so it’s nice to feel supported.

She said she could see I like the crowd to participate also. (Which by the third set they eventually did!)

Another woman that came to dance with me towards the end of the set (a bit drunkenly and aggressively!) kept telling me we were all the “Walking Dead” which I found “interesting”. I replied “No love…the only Zombie in the house is me…but I have revivified myself!” But she kept repeating it over and over so I just smiled sanguinely and let her have her little obsession.

The entire planet is under extreme transition right now. LA fires, earthquakes, death. So yes she is right…but last night the dead were not just walking but Thriving, Moshing, whirling dervishing…and only the truly dead can know their own Walk /Dance/Thriving and yet still find delight in all the madness!!

Life…L’Chaim is a Magick and a mystery only very few get to truly metamorphose, reclaim and co-create from the bones of the old ways to the current space-time. So Dance we must. I love you, my fellow Earthlings. Dead or alive! We’ve got this! Keep thriving. Believing! Choosing Life..and each other!

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https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1HNDvgt64d/? (Video with latest robot “Ameca” that has emotions programmed into her/it.)

Interesting…… (which is Mama T Speak for…this “could” be the best thing for me and my fellow humanity; or alternatively…I/we are completely fucked.

Stay human, People of Earth. It’s your prime directive. Why you were “sent” to this planet, via the portal of your mothers’ wombs. You are a spirit having a human experience enclosed in a meat suit that sometimes lets us down but is a far more exquisite piece of creation than any robot. Cede your humanness, your soul and it will be a slippery slope from there on in.

I delight in the fact that post-Covid I am loved and supported as never before for my courage/defiance/rebellion to say “No” to the last atrocity perpetuated upon our species. But I don’t really wish to live in a real life version of Terminator.

I am a co-creator, a mother, a lover (or will be when The one chooses me and only me…for the love of all the gods), a human, a soul, a warrior goddess, a dancer, a survivor to thriver. So please…don’t desecrate the one thing we have left…our souls and our creativity that’s borne out of that. MAMA T HAS SPOKEN!

12 January 2024

12 January 2023

https://youtu.be/viqTBNVTazU

I’ve been outside in the night air, smashing lava rocks to use instead of pumice (I had some leftover from when I used to have a hydroponic pond for growing vegetables but a spiteful petty vicious Housing inspector made me get rid of it).

I have washed the lava rocks and will put them in my new (second hand) wok I bought for $15 today. I already removed the handle. So now I just need to buy a lazy Susan bearing plate in Bunnings tomorrow (or soon!)

I saved a bit of money making my own annealing pan. I am trying to save where I can.

12 January 2022

I have just stripped the dried eucalyptus leaves for one of my “brews”. Protection herbs for “Black Salt”. I already made some a few weeks ago but it is always good to have herbs ready on standby.

It’s been quite meditative, doing this task, under the shade of the frangipane tree and the other tree that gets yellow pendulous flowers.

Charley went outside the fence to nibble on dirt and grass that the Scrub Turkey had just kicked up. I panicked momentarily as the Turkey was only two metres away and I feared he might try to attack Charley. But he just paused, acknowledged Charley and continued kicking back the newly mown grass without a care in the world and exhibited no signs of aggression to my much smaller but dangerously intrepid rainbow lorikeet.

Relief poured through me but then I know that Charley holds her own in any company but even so I was relieved that our resident wild Turkey bird does not have a mean spirit. (Although he often follows us on our walk around the block and will peck at my heels). Strange bird but lovely.

I am soaked in a feeling of peace, and love this morning. But there is also an underlying anticipation, an almost stoic holding together of my meridians, holding breath. It ran through my mind: someone is sending energy to me, demands attention. But who?

This telepathy can be a bit confusing. If you want to make contact in 3D reality there is email, texts, mobile phones. Instant gratification…if I don’t think you are a scammer or stalker…I may answer you!

But this felt different. Like someone from far away. Jasmine came to mind. But she has not contacted me in years and I don’t know how to contact her.

A wistful ache drenched through my body accompanied with a leaching of grief and bitterness. Jasmine….out breath…Jasmine.

But then my pragmatic earthy mind kicked back in. My younger daughter doesn’t give a fuck about me. Only exhibited hatred and dishonour towards me in her young adult life.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and I have no time or heart left for psychopaths, sociopaths, narcopaths. Even one I grew inside my own body and raised alone.

I was listening to a video about Near Death experiences and they reminded me that Love is our only true wealth, true essence and all we take with us in our ultimate end.

I ask myself “what would Love do?” I had to chuckle. Love what was, what is, what always shall be (love what never shall be again!) love what you created, love what you released out into the world, rage against the Machine that turned beautiful souls into hateful ugly composites of barely scraped together humanity and ushered Zombies into our world: transhumanist, anti-humanist, anti-life, anti-love, antithesis of all that is life-affirming, loving, creative and ennobling….then let shit go.

Dave came to mind also. All the lovers that were drawn to my light and my courage and my strange beauty gifted by the gods and by complex trauma. Men who thought they could toy with me, destroy me then play the victim when Mama T exacted fury on their worthless luckless soulless destructive little heads.

I have to laugh. The last message I sent him, I told him I will see him in hell. Fine words. Words that carve and scarify.

But The Tanya knows: the only hell is the one I lived in on this earth for almost 57 years. The only HELL is loving people who bore me no love, no courtesy, no respect. Who soiled, despoiled, dishonoured me. Who rejected me because their stupid ugly evil friends told them to (like my ex Courtenay, Davidson, and even my ex husband). Lmao. Men so weak and perverted and evil they tried to kill me.

For what?! Because I was smarter than them? More loving. More aware. More in touch with Someone or Something they had not yet evolved enough to comprehend? Because I had already almost died so many times during childhood that I was marked, chosen, and deliberately programmed by the gods or God or some energy that loved me so much They sustained my existence on this planet in spite of the lack of safety, sanity, loving partners or family?

Because I was built to be strong and even in my most weakened close-to-death states, I was able to summon forces from the bowels of the earth and from the dimensions that reach beyond our planet and FIGHT an ignoble hospital team and our fucked up society in general.

Where did I get the chutzpah? To dare to survive and whilst surviving…to still hold space and capacity to fight for others who might experience the same ghastly cruelties and vagaries?

Is it good or is it bad.? …this supernatural determination to live out my days in joy, success, good health and so much love that all the Shades shimmy away like the mirage on a delusional hellscape somewhere. Only I was not delusional. And those illusory desultory manifestations of perversion and vicious attacks were very real.

But shhh let shits go.

What would Love do?

Smile, make art, make jewellery, make love (when I can stomach someone again to enter into my most sacred space and unshackle my lifeforce), make a cup of tea, and make my life so miraculously Mindfully Awesome that little whispers on the breeze that Call to me are just that. Memories and sollipsisms of heartache that melt into the Ether with Time and constructs of human desire: a mother and a lover. Two things I failed at constantly.

But….yesterday I went to my 92 year old friend’s birthday. She delighted in my company.

I asked her whimsically, already knowing her answer “how does it feel to be 92?” She replied “I am 92…blah, blah, blah” with a wince of chagrin and a cheeky grin. I laughed uproariously.

The ancient ones know that we are all just marking Time. The years roll effortlessly into one like the ourouboros, choking on our tails and beginning again, over and over again and ultimately we are just a long Shadow on this earth. A story that passes and is quickly forgotten. It is the Forgetting that we fear. Worse than that, it is knowing how little we were loved or seen or recognised. How quickly we are displaced by the Sands of Time.

But I leave behind me, my little veignettes. My memories and my emotions wrapped up as gifts for those who wish to witness them.

I reminded my elderly friend that she was indeed blessed. She still can chew her food and drink and has loving family and friends. She still has breath and heart.

I reminded her that 92 is a great age and more years than were allotted my own parents. That watching my mother not be able to eat was a supreme agony for me as eating had been such a grand passion for her.

But I was projecting my own pain and in truth my friend is right. 92…blah blah blah. But she was happy I celebrated her birthday with her. And I was happy to be there with her….with my own innate almost 57 year old blahhhhs!

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I just debriefed with my psychiatrist. I told him I had been “hypomanic” since about the 21st December last year. Pushing myself to create constantly with a driven edge and a furnace on my gut, accompanied by anxiety and a weird type of euphoria but realising that I am merely chasing my own tail as I cannot achieve the things I want to achieve at this late stage of my life.

Today I felt really ill and have had to lie down.

He responded that I am cyclothymic, that it occurs every three months with me and he recognises it well as a feature of my ptsd. He knows I am very cyclic.

He says I usually settle back down after the inevitable crash. He is right. I have worn myself out energetically to a frazzle. My body needs a rest!

He said he has been pleased to observe that I have been quite self-nurturing during this Covid pandemic. I said that I have had no choice but to nurture myself and keep myself busy and self-isolated and that in a way covid has been a gift, as it took me out of that toxic sabotaging dance scene and made me find newer, more soul satisfying ways to expend my energy.

I do miss dancing though. Maybe when all this is over, I will find another space to dance where I am treated with kindness and respect. Time will tell. Meanwhile the Dance of Life continues…

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12 January 2020

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11:11 am make a wish.

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12 January 2019

I have a massive craving for KFC. With only $10 to my name 😞. Wahhh. On a positive note my gallstones will probably be grateful for not being saturated in oil and other toxins I so love to poison my Hobbit body with.

Comfort food is nice when I can get it though. I am out of chocolate too.

I will just have to breathe and eat healthy for 3 more days. Arghhhhh!

I have had a lovely day with Charlie and Beauregard. Lying in my hammock.

Life is good. In spite of my weird food cravings gnawing at me like hands reaching through Perspex.

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I need to save the money to get my tattoo re-coloured. Yes, I am that proud of it 🙂. It’s fading fast due to the Qld sun and my nifty white blood cells breaking down the ink.

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2:46 am home from a good night out. I danced with Karen and Adam, Peter and Bettina and Morris.

Now my tootsies hurt but it was worth it! 🙂.

12 January 2017

I just had a cold shower to wash off summer sweat. Second shower today. I gave Beauregard a much needed bath and brushed him. He loved his bath as it was so hot today. He resented the brushing but he had started to grow dreadlocks so it was time for a good brushing out.

Now he looks rather handsome for a scruffy dog.

I also changed the water in the Betta bowls. Much needed water change too. I have almost done all the washing also.

Now to sit back, drip dry and enjoy the beautiful moon.

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Terrible tooth pain again. I had to take strong pain killers again.

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10.26 am. A lovely hot morning. My ear feels better. Must have caught a chill in it from the fan blowing on me. Still feeling tired but lying in my hammock soaking up some morning sun.

I might rest some more as I still feel weak. The heatwave drains everyone.

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11.24 pm. Found some dark chocolate so made microwave fudge with sweetened condensed milk. Mmmmmmunchiessssss.

12 January 2016

Comment: How awful that his daughter found him out. I had to deal with that shit with my stepfather when I was 15. He even drove me to meet his new mistress. She owned a beautiful gift shop. I was seriously unimpressed.

Another time my mother asked me to write a scathing poison pen letter to another of his women who lived in Auckland and had been writing how much she enjoyed the chicken and champagne breakfasts. This really upset us as he was a miserly Dutchman and we were hard pressed getting food or any extras from him. I used my best English adjectivery on her. She read the letter to him. He didn't to speak to my mother or me for a month.

Like I cared! My mother decided to stay with him (they never married) based on a social worker telling her that at her age (54!) she would lose everything financially and never be able to recoup so better the devil you know, you know. Later that year while my mother visited Australia, he threatened to rape me so I pushed him backwards down the stairs. Bastard. He was a holocaust survivor so we made a lot of excuses for him. Too many excuses.

It was very traumatic being a teenager in that house. Also being a child. We made a weird sort of peace in adulthood, him and I. As he was dying he insisted I tell the man in the next bed at the hospital that he was my father. I was quiet a long time. He was never my father. He was a member of my family only by the non-virtue of being my mother's partner for 23 years.

I wanted to scream and run away. I looked at his friend's eager eyes (probably another abuser and another set up). Then I looked at Cees's expression. Waiting...so I lied. I said to the man, yes, he is my father.

The look of relief and triumph on Cees’s face said it all. They all wanted to lay claim to me but none could actually parent me. Not even then, when I was 30.

It took me until my mother's death in 2010 to finally speak my authentic truth. None of my family were true loving family. Only one of my daughters cares about me but is ambivalent and now resides in the UK. I lost everything to my abusers. Every Thing. But I finally got Me back. So fuck them all 😉

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Still shattered by David Bowie's passing. I never met him. I never even got to go to any of his concerts. (I have still not been to any of my favourite rock idols' concerts - fuck poverty). He was one of my greatest muses. Love him. Will always love him!

The closest I ever got to being at his concert was high in the hills of Brooklyn West. Jasmine was only a few Months old, so 1987. I had had a long hard day with the 2 babies. Jasmine was a screamer. She suffered colic a lot. By the time my husband came home, I was bouncing off the walls and hanging from the chandeliers.

I asked him to look after her for a while and deliberately asked him to change her nappy. He had not helped change either child up to that time. He refused.

So I grabbed a cigar (I am mostly a non-smoker) someone gave him, also a non-smoker, and headed down the road. I kept walking and sat on a knoll overlooking the city.

I lit up the cigar, contemplating my life and was rewarded with the sounds echoing over the hills from the Basin Reserve, of “ground control to major Tom". Yup! Get your skates on, kids. I sat there through the remainder of his concert, enthralled. The afternoon windless (unusual for Wellington) but the sound was splendid. I felt sad that I could only hear him from the distance. My rock god.

Then I went home. Micheal asked me where I went. I stated "to the David Bowie concert. Perfect sound. Perfect night". He looked at me like I had gone mad.

He hadn’t been able to put the easy disposable nappy on, so had put her in the bath. Useless. But at least she was now clean, I had had a mental health break and I was ready for the next onslaught of wills, my baby daughter and I.

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Just found out David Bowie has died. So sad. I love that man!

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I had a lovely day today. Beauregard was a well-behaved puppy most of the day. Jarrod came over with Harvey and brought my new fighter fish and set-up. It all looks fantastic.

We hung in the hammocks, listening to Spotify, then cooked dinner. Beef stirfry, veges, pasta sauce, gluten free pasta and I made wedges with Cajun spices, lime and macadamia nuts (smashed my thumb hammering the shells open, but they are fresh from my tree, so worth it!)

Beauregard got tired around 11 pm so I put him in his crate to sleep. Not even a grizzle.

Jarrod and Harvey have gone home but Penny is snuggling beside me, in bed. Love her to bits!!!

Ralph O’Connor: Imagine having a macadamia tree in the garden! Lucky you, Tanya! Dinner sounded delish!

Me: It was my dream when we migrated here to own a small macadamia nut plantation. I planted a tree in the marital garden. I was sad to leave behind the beautiful garden I had planted there.

When I finally came to this house in 2003, a govt house, I began planting an edible landscape and my beloved roses again. But I did not plant the macadamia. It sprouted in its own about 8 years ago.

I must have thrown down some over ripe nuts with their shells. Now it is in its full glory. This is its second season of nutting. I don't get more than a handful each time but I still find it thrilling.

12 January 2015

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Watching the peace rally in France and London, with amazement and pride. 1 million people have rallied for freedom and unity. The People are speaking out! About time!

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I visited Crystal this arvo. We watched 2 lovely movies and had dinner together.

On the way home I parked in the city and took Harvey for a walk across the river. It rained. It was lovely though. When we got back to the car I towel dried him with my picnic rug (a giant towel!)

He loved it. He was very intrigued by the bunnies too. As a Jack Russell we didn't let him play with them but he did touch noses with Ramon through the fencing lol. I wish my battery hadn't been dead or I would have filmed him.

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Playing raunchy Truth or Dare with my Paltalkians. Oh my! What a crack up!

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4.40 am. Finally in bed with little Harvey. I hope I sleep well!

12 January 2014

Holy Dooleys! Woke up at 9 am feeling super-charged mentally. (Bright as a shiny new pin and just as sharp). I rang Sarah to make sure she was ok. She was so shocked to hear from me so early after my big night out.

So I came over to take her shopping at Carindale for an outing.

My eyes are a bit sore from lack of sleep but boy, I feel great!

If this is Hypomania I am loving it! :-) Menopause is doing me the Power of The Goddess/Crone. (Good!)

I was hoping to meet some nice men last night. Well, I did, sorta. But I thought they were with women, but the women left and at end of night the guys told me, as they were leaving. "The Band is Awesome!" And held my gaze.

LMAO. They thought I was a Groupie. Well, I am but I don't sleep with musoes. I just dance and enjoy their music and raise energy in the crowd. A kind of Symbiosis.

No wonder I am not meeting any men, since they all think I am in relationship with the bands. Funny as hell!

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5.03 am home from a night out dancing. Ramjet was playing at Irish Murphy's but there wasn't as big a crowd as usual. Odd vibe. I went to the casino and danced for a short while there. Then back to Irish Murphy's.

After that I hung out with George The busker and the homeless guy who always sits with him in the night. They were both happy to see me. I went back in the Casino, not much doing there. Then came home.

My cat is delighted to see me. She and I will go snuggle soon. I feel quite tired. I had a nice time.

Earlier in the evening Sarah took me and her friend John out for a Chinese Dinner. It was delicious. We had a huge meal. She really spoiled me.

12 January 2012

I received a manipulative threatening letter from Sonja Scherer which I sent straight to my lawyer. The upshot of this is that we will be going to court early February to have her removed as Executrix and have Public Trustee take over the reins.

I will be much happier with that outcome. Mum's house will then be sold, and the assets divided by the Public Trustee. So all will be over I expect sometime this year.

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hohum, hungry tum, blah mood, tired and vexed. Had a lovely day yesterday and the lovely swims were mind savers. I realised I get very aggressive and irritable with the constant Heat.

So cooling off in bodies of water is what I needed the most. Wish I could afford to buy my house and put in a swimming pool! Currently watching the most gorgeous purple and orange Sunset. Something worth seeing this evening!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons