Memories: 11 December 2025

11 December 2025

5:18 am Beau is singing lustily and joyously. So I am awake. Yeah…but nah. Four hours sleep is not enough. I will put myself back into the astral. Thanks little Beau!

Kermie refused to go to his own cage to sleep last night so I let him sleep in Beau’s cage so perhaps the singing is a protest about waking up with Kermie. Hilarious! I went to check on them and open up the blinds and Kermie was swinging happily and peacefully while Beau sang. I worried he might beat him up early on the morning but they are totally fine.

It’s weird that Kermie wants to sleep in the same cage as Beau now. For the previous few nights I had to manually remove him to his own cage to sleep. So it seems he prefers Beau’s companionship now. Funny guy!

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I dreamed of Scotty Baby again last night. In the dream he was up on stage, sneering at me contemptuously. But other people got up and led him off stage. They show him a video they had made cobbled together from all the nights that I danced for/with his band. I too, am shown the video. I start laughing at all my intense facial expressions while in “catharsis!” An almost but not quite orgasmic flow state of trance I slip into after several hours of frenetic wild dancing.

The same catharsis that feeds the musicians such powerful energy that they too act as though they are reaching some kind of energetic peak. Then they go home to their wives and sweethearts while I go home utterly depleted but safe and content for the following week of isolation and at times, loneliness or if not loneliness then bathos. It’s all about the bass, Babies! Bathos Bass, Bim Bam Boom!

The video shows me in various stages of the shamanic (maniacal) dance. I laugh with glee. Cover my mouth. Say to the person “Oh, so that is what they see! How funny but also a tad embarrassing”.

“No, not embarrassing. You are fabulous, Tanya! We all know how much you have given freely of your energy, your heart, your soul, your valuable time, your shamanic prayerful powerful intentions, your sweetness and kindness, your honour and integrity. We know what it has cost you personally. Expect nothing less than to be valued and respected for who you are. You are deeply loved. So very loved. Have faith, Tanya!”

Even in the dream I think to myself… Faith? faith? In what? In whom? Certainly no mortal man is capable of being a partner to me. Every single time some sick perverted twisted game or delusion or deception, or betrayal. It’s constant. Every time I allow myself to fall in love with a human it gets ugly or twisted or I get threatened or almost murdered.

This time I really thought I had found a real love…based on kindness, respect, and the loving support of almost all his friends in the music scene. I was treated like a Queen! I will never forget what he, Paulie, Juddy, Ness, Luke W. did for me! It was so wonderful!

Even in my dream, several people were still taking Scott aside letting him know they thought he treated me badly. I don’t recognise them. Men and women I have not seen before. But the video that they showed me was hilarious. I wake up feeling both sad and happy. Happy/sad. Perhaps still mad. It is what it is.

So it begs the question? Why am I still dreaming about him after all these 8 months? I don’t even think much about him anymore? What intentions am I intuiting?

Interesting…..

My psychiatrist told me yesterday to maintain firm boundaries with people with regard to my sexuality. I am not a game or a cheap trick. Hold my value and respect. Demand to be treated accordingly.

I told him I prefer to spend the rest of my life alone than with one more deceiver or trickster or demonic imp that fakes love or kindness or attention only to tear me to shreds for their own pernicious vicious entertainment.

He nodded. “You have done well, Tanya! Firm boundaries, clear communication. Do not let people whittle you down to nothing just for the sake of community or connection”.

Easier said than done. I have been whittled quite enough. 2025 has been a very weird year. A year of closures. A year of shedding old skins of people who mock, deride or invalidate me. Made me feel ugly or unworthy of love or of at least, true friendships.

It’s been painful. But a timely reminder that I am moving into a new year with reinvigoration…with purpose…with soul. With my usual stoic courage which at times, feels like insanity but my intuition never lies to me…always on guard…always on point. No matter how I push it down and live in Pollyanna hope for a better outcome.

So….je ne regrette rein. I regret nothing. Not the love I poured into flaccid facile fake false fops which still flows back to me like a swirling triskele spiral, like an echo, like a resonance from deep space and inner space. Perhaps it is not even my dreaming of him but something I am picking up from him. If so…why? What does that creature inhabiting Scott want from me? Curious minds would like to know.

In the meantime, I will pray he is safe and happy with his life partners and his life style and that this remnant “magick” that existed between us both…just quietly fades to black so I can let go…let g-d and find a real authentic honouring life partner one fine day. Not a facsimile of one. Not a cardboard cutout. Not someone else’s life partner or cheap trick.

A man capable of communicating openly and respectfully and honouringly, courteous, kind, decent, generous, and with eyes only for me. How many polyamourists does it take to try to lure in The Tanya? It’s been like that since David Davidson FFS! (That was 27 years ago.) Can we have the “27 Club” and kill off the albatross that brings me fake lovers or polyamourists or other verminous abusers….just once and for the first and last time in my life…bring to me The One? Cheers fanx a lot. In advance. 🙂

Queen of my own Destiny. Design. Destination. Daemonic Daemon of Desire. Inspire to conspire to co-create with the gods and goddesses a safe healthy joyous life in comfort and ease…devoid of sleaze.

I would say “Please!” But I am done begging. Done and dusted. Spontaneously combusted…but well rusted…a patina of carapaced metallic chariots of gods with vehicular traffic only for one. Trust in the gods. T-rust. Justice! Honour! Duty of care. Stay alive to jive turkey my hide some more. For the love of all the gods. Lmao!

Meanwhile…petticoats. Oy!

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https://youtu.be/Kfz9e0TtqJE?si=PkgKMO4OUfBSehHC

11 December 2024

11:11 am make a wish. People of Earth. Love…the ones who love you truly in symbiotic, soul nourishing, heart opening, astonishingly beautiful ways. Don’t let false or fake people steal your bliss or your vibe.

Life is short. Show up and be counted with those who truly honour and value you. (With kindness and respect!) Don’t waste that powerful energy, that life force, that intrinsic alchemical gold on clay footed golems. Don’t right shotgun with their dybbukkim either. You have your own to wrestle with.

How much breath is in you to blow them back into full vibrancy? A lot. You can do it over and over again, until you are dead from it. Then who will lift you up in strong loving arms and kiss you back to your own wondrous magickal life? I wonder?

A kiss of bliss, of gnosis, of becoming, fully alive, actualised and real again. Matter of fact, the gods are kissing me right now. Preparing me for the next paradigm in the ridiculously absurdist life of The Tanya. She who won’t be tamed/controlled/manipulated or denied.

Shit! The struggle is real, people! Staying in love even when it’s an impossible dream. Holding on while letting go…is a dance, a ballet, a pirrhouette and a fucking parkour, a majestic armouring of Amour I am still learning to recalibrate.

Hold my Jack Daniel’s. I feel like Someone just Hobbit tossed me high into the sky and my ass is gonna hate the hefty unwieldy landing.

“But this ass is class… she’s fallen before. And climbed out of the abyss. This time, she’s gonna sprout wings and fly”, (so sayeth my Angels….)

Shhhh don’t listen to them…they are not human…they don’t know shit about mortal bodies, hearts and minds. They kick and kiss and guide and push and drag and mould me until… I throw an epic Tanya Berserker Tantrum…then they sit back, fold their arms and wings and …laugh.

Me: “Love is the law, Motherfuckers…”

“Shhh Tanya-Le…who’s Law? It’s happening…calm your farm!”

Me: Mmmmk.

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I just had my debrief with my psychiatrist. He told me he is so proud of me. Grateful woman here!

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I am watching “One Hundred Years of Solitude” on Netflix. Wonderful. There is magick and alchemy in it. I would love to have learned Alchemy from a wise and noble teacher.

I can hear Arcan from Paltalk saying to me “Everything you wish to know is already inside you!” Yes…Arcan…it’s true. But having a tribe who can create Magick and practise alchemy with you…that would be sooo cool!

11 December 2023

Another hot day. I spent the evening finishing off dusting my bedroom (the shadow box full of ornaments, the beaded curtains and my lampshade on the ceiling. I also mopped Charley’s floor in her room (my studio) and mopped the bathroom (which was filthy so I think Ratih is not mopping that floor?) I also mopped my bedroom floor as I rubbed coconut oil on my feet and body last night so left greasy oily footprints on my floor.

I worked hard yesterday washing all my ornaments and furniture down in my bedroom yesterday too.

Everything is freshened up. Ready for…whatever new developments come my way :-)

11 December 2021

11 December 2020

Tonight I observed two synchronicities 11:11 pm and 1:11 am (on 11 Dec 2020). In between I passed out for an hour with exhaustion only to launch back into full Consciousness by a stubborn burgeoning bladder.

But I am “on notice” ...today (the first day of Chanukah) is going to be spiritual. 11s signify Angel numbers. Hmmm. I am hoping to have a day of rest as I have pushed myself too hard with homemade paper pulp making and other arty farty delights. I badly require sleep and a day of sublime serenity.

But my menopausal bitching itchy insomniac body has other plans...c’est la vie. We will inhabit this planet and integrate our Void and void the dross of our human combobulations and recalibrate with delicate balance our next phase of our Becoming: hopefully healthier and in perfect equilibrium!

Oh and rejoicing in the Love gifted from the Holy One, my gorgeous friends and pets and our planet which every day wrests great miracles out of the battlefield of my heart: shit to spiritual gold and back again. Alchemising my life/love and spirit like a seasoned Sailor with buried treasure without her Map.

My map or guidance comes to me in dreams for which I need sleep for the next key of inspiration.

Laila Tov!

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1:11 pm what do you want from me Angels...? I’m awake...ain’t I?

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Update: Facebook has preserved my stories and Notes which my friend Jarrod Nielsen helped me locate, tucked away in their activity log.

I apologise for my anger and rude language to FB although I maintain my outrage that they make things so hard to find when they change everything. if it ain’t broken don’t fix it!!! If it is broken ...heal.

I am grateful for my Voice that is expressed via this platform that I have been using since 2009 (or end of 2008!) it has brought many dear friends and family across the planet to me...even as it has made me a few enemies as no matter what, I cleave to my Truth and was variously castigated for it!

So here we are: still standing up and being counted. A tiny hobbit lost in a crowd of 7 billion humans stomping her feet! I am here! Hineini!!!

......

Facebook has removed all my Notes which contained many of my stories and musings since I have been on Facebook (2009) They had sent me notification some weeks ago that they would no longer allow new Notes to be created or posted but that they would keep anything already on facebook. Now it has all disappeared. I am furious. What is the point of writing on facebook if it is going to be so cavalierly trashed and have my reality and my words and thoughts and creative expression invalidated ie Silenced!! in such a way.

Fortunately some of the stuff I have on a flash drive and to be fair I am the only one that ever reads my stuff on facebook (in the Notes sections, as they are quirky memoires of my experiential journey through trauma and life out in the social scene so used to give me a bit of a smile to see how far I had come).

I feel like fuckface book has taken away my training wheels. If they take away my TRUTH....then I will have to find another way to "publish" it. (Rolls eyes!)

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The Tanya is APPEASED....for now. My stories are still here. I am still here. Nice!

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Today’s busy-ness has involved trying to dry the paper pulp in my oven because after two epic days of making paper pulp from paper scraps...it rained! So I am unable to dry it with the hot hot Brisbane sunshine. Arghhhhh.

It is a slow process drying it this way and tbh, the paper still feels a bit damp. Crazyyyyyyy making!

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12:41 pm I just woke up (after a long much needed sleep!) from a ptsd dream. I was standing in a queue in a posh cafe waiting to be served. I had taken a number and was surveying the menu. I had planned on ordering Nachos but was tempted by a duck dish.

A couple came in behind me and tried to push me out of the line. He was tall, Aryan looking, handsome and looked like a gym junkie, lean but roided up. His eyes were glittery so to me he looked like he was on something as well. His partner was beautiful, slim and brunette, also tall and the type of woman who feels like nothing without a man.

I stepped forward politely and said “excuse me but we are all taking a number for service!” He sneered at me that he needed no number and did not follow rules.

I said “I hear ya. I hate rules too. But some things are just a matter of human decency. No need to be a cunt about it.”

The guy looked like he might smash me in the face and the girlfriend just withered but I held my enraged but dignified Hobbit ground.

I repeated “yeah human decency... I didn’t see much of it during my childhood either. So I fully demand it now. It’s the least I can expect as an adult woman.”

He and his gf slunk away. Walked out of the cafe. Quietly.

I woke up without finding out if I had nachos or duck duck goose but I had to laugh as that is something I would do in real life and frankly I am amazed at how I am still alive after all the misbegotten idiots that tried to kill me over the years. One looked like that man in the dream. Hmm.

So here I am. Refreshed from sleep. Ready for another day in paradise.

I have dreamed of this particular cafe for several nights (mornings) now. It is attached to an art gallery. It is one of my sequential mini-saga dreams. I am starting to feel it is a real place in real World and will visit it one day.

Sometimes my dreams come true within days or weeks!

Like a few years ago when I dreamed of going to a house with the most beautiful collection of guitars all Ornately decorated with mother of pearl. In the dream I stood and admired the artistry of them.

Then a few days later I got given an air fryer on Freecycle.com and when I went to the house in Chapel Hill I “recognised” the home and when the woman invited me in to pick up the air fryer I stood in her lounge room in awe as I saw with my own physical eyes: the exact same guitars I had dreamed about only a few days earlier.

I was too shy to ask the woman about them as she seemed really depressed and I worried she might think I was crazy if I told her I had been in her house a few nights prior.

It was a milestone of awakening to my psychic or telepathic abilities as I had never had that happen before. Or at least not with such clarity. I started wondering how much of my dreaming was actually precognitive signalling from my higher mind or even G-d?!

I began to realise that I am not at all crazy but a tad inter-dimensional when I can move between two vectors of reality like that.

A gift from not dying (again!) in my suicide attempt and all the brain reconfiguring from other near death events during my early childhood!)

11 December 2019

I had a lovely late afternoon/evening with Lyn. She invited me over for a swim which is the most heavenly thing a human can be doing right now in this scarifying heat.

Lyn made a clam pool for Bobo to swim in and he thoroughly enjoyed his little swimming pool. He had a big soggy doggy grin on his face.

He played a weird game of his with the tennis ball, where he irritatingly pushes it under the pool fence so we have to reach over and push it back. But Lyn worked out a way to make this less annoying by using fish or butterfly nets so we could easily catch the ball and toss it back to our intrepidly determined dog god.

Lyn bought lemon chicken and coconut rice for our dinner which was delicious.

The evening brought a cool breeze and drop in temperature so we sat outside in her patio, gloriously enjoying the almost full moon and the bats flying out underneath were a beautiful sight to behold.

Thanks Lyn for being you! For 31 years of friendship. For your love and sweetness and support!

Update 2020: 32 years of friendship now. I visited her yesterday afternoon and evening and we had a lovely paddle in her pool! Her neighbour Karl had a huge new swimming pool installed yesterday also. Royal blue with glitter! He was so excited like King Farouk surveying his domain.

I am happy for him!

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11:11am. My spirits are busy. Been showing me 11s the past few days. Hmmm. What are they preparing me for?!

11 December 2018

Fuck! Another insomniac’s pestilential sleepless night. One hour shut-eye then climb the mast of consciousness from the depths of Valhalla. Up she rises, on a wave of epic purgatory flood. Then back to surf the land of dreams.

11 December 2017

1:11 pm 11/12/17. Someone is trying to tell me something! But what! Been to shops to buy window wiper refills for the car. Bird food. Fish food. Medication.

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I love Charles Bukowski. I was once told that I write like him ie am blunt and fond of vulgarity but fuck it, that man was a genius. A drunk whoremongering genius. I can only aspire to be anything like him as a (relatively sober) celibate woman.

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I just woke up @ 1:11 am on 11 December. Yup! Keep noticing 11s again. It’s been weird. Big shifts happening. Mostly big insomniac bladder-motivated shifts.

I walked into the kitchen naked and half-asleep and was glad I didn’t turn the light on as I stumbled to the fridge to get a bottle of water out for a drink. Timsa next door is awake and has his lights blazing in his backyard.

So hopefully he couldn’t see me all wild-eyed and wooly in my Natural State. I need to win lotto so I can buy a house on acreage with lots of privacy from neighbours instead of being spied on from every direction! Gross!

Anyway, back in bed. Drinking water as I feel dehydrated. Then will shut down my brain again!

11 December 2016

Feeling beautiful, powerful, and greatly loved. For all the wrong reasons and some very right ones. By men and women who thrive by jive.

Last night was...spectacular. My gorgeous friends, bedazzling, magical creatures of the night. Myself? Who was that marvellous woman? I don't know but phew! Formidable.

Fierce and flowing with a Love that never dies and never shrinks or fades like so many of the fakes out there. Glorious. Eternal. Unquenchable.

They tried to kill me, crush me, destroy me. But I came back with even more Love than even I thought possible. Run rabbit run. Mama T has not given up on you (or herself!) not just yet. Sheer comedy amidst the tragedy. But ahhhh. Such Bliss!

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I need to manifest a new laptop or get mine fixed. A decision has been made. I need to write my book. It will keep me busy and perhaps bring me a measure of success.

A miracle is needed for me to thrive and get off the poverty treadmill I have been spinning on at the expense of the govt for 22 years.

Is it even possible to start again at almost 52? Doubtful but there exists a glimmer of Hope. A big burning fiery love inside me that has to be transmuted into something tangible.

Something that is mine. So I can feel that, for once in my life I am successful, free of the past epic trauma bullshit and can open space for the man I adore to be with me. (Another miracle!)

I think it could become a real possibility. After all, Only 5 or 6 years ago I never thought I would still be alive or own a car or have my teeth. Or ever ever fall in love again.

My life has been shedding and unfurling dead blossoms on its tree, but always always, new ones punch out into the universe.

Blossoming into huge fecund flowers of hope and strength. Terrifying in their majesty. Fragile and so easily plucked, crushed and thrown to the winds of change. But what is lost is also regained.

Big beautiful joyous fragrant fruits!

Margaret Jakovac: You have the skills, you are an engaging story teller, you have so many stories - your own or whatever you choose. Just need a plan to unfurl your work and dogged determination to make it happen. Think of it as gestating your third child.😀

Me: Lol. My birthings (or rather re-birthings) were always fraught with danger and arduous. But yes. It is coming!

Update 2018: My book has not quite manifested... too busy engaging in my personal book of life. I gave my book away in May. To a publisher. Now I fear it will turn up somewhere in another format as I was told it was too rambling and incoherent. So yeah. I have trust issues. The “publisher” wanted my stories and did not reply so I blocked her. I felt paranoid and betrayed after.

So fuck it. I may re-write the book. I may not. Too busy healing from decades of abuse. That is my mission.

Oh and manifesting Joy with authentic people who love and respect me.

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11 December 2015

I had a lovely day at Lyn's. We had a nice lunch then a swim and Aali played happily with Beauregard. Until she became obsessed with me going home. So I did!

Then more visitors came to my place to play with the puppy. The neighbour's little kids. He has had a huge day, dealing with mini-female dwarvish humans. The kids' grandfather and father stopped by to fuss over Bobo as well.

He is certainly the Diamond Street Dog Super-star at the moment. Even having the bities did not deter anyone. I bought him a teething ring today, and a cold pack thingy to lie on in his carry-cot. Too hot for little puppies. Too hot for De Mama too!

Sally popped over for a flying visit with cat food and litter. Then I watered the front garden, filled up front fishpond, fed all the fishes and hammered in stakes for my flares that I did not secure last night, so they fell over, wasting precious oil. This time they should hold up!

By golly! Now I am wet and smell like a wet dog who got so frazzled with my activity he fell asleep on my breast, making it hard to water the garden.

11 December 2014

Sitting outside, watching the storm blow in. My darling Jarrod forewarned me so I got up and put the hail cover on the car.

I woke up at 1.30 pm. In time to let chooks out, refill their water and await the epic storm.

I feel like the captain of a roiling Viking Ship, fragile but battle-hardened.

Take me to Valhalla, Sleipnir, for tonight we rideeee.

11 December 2013

Worked like a demon possessed all day. Trimmed a tree, then did some washing then sorted library/workroom then tried to sort under house (why? When I told Crystal I would do it another day?)

So I found a bag of shells and some red spray paint so I washed all the shells then spray-painted an old child's wicker chair. So then I had to scrub red paint off my hands.

Then I got a mad irrational urge to grate sunlight soap to make home made washing powder. So naturally I grated my thumb and it is now raw and sore. grr!

4 am time to sleep at last!

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Miss Penny has just woken me from my much needed nap. I was exhausted after yesterday's frenetic activity.

It was lovely to see my cousin Melvyn again. We had been missing out on our regular monthly catch-ups. He talked happily about his trip to England and Scotland and suggested I should go there one day. He plans to go again next year.

I also got to meet Christian Tryhorn, the lead singer from Transvaal DiamondSyndicate and he kindly brought the tickets for their album launch on Friday night.

So Friday night is going to be splendid indeed. I better quit the mad Nocturnal fruit-bat home maintenance spree and get some rest so I am fresh and wild for the weekend.

I better get up, as Penny is flicking her tail on disgust. I suspect she is hungry and I could do with a nice cup of tea.

11 December 2011

Another numb day, made better by two short but sweet cooling storms. I took Miss Bella for a quick walk just before dusk to enjoy the cool moist air but unfortunately got harrassed by too many mosquitoes so we fled back home fairly quickly.

Feel sort of bored, lonely and fractious....bloody storms lol, but keeping myself quiet and centred as I have a massive fight ahead of me.

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I have printed out all the legal documents, and the extensive Timeline. When the Trial is over I think I will upload the Timeline to Facebook so you all will know what I was put through by, not just my biological family, but my ex-husband and his sister and brother-in-law and the Scherers.

It makes for harrowing reading but after reading through it all again tonight, I feel sad, traumatised but incredibly proud of myself that I have survived to fight on another day against the most loathsome disgusting Evil I have ever encountered. I don't know how I am doing it! But I am HERE!

Update 2019: 8 years later and life is slowly getting better. I still need to burn the will Dispute stuff and my big yellow teddy bear and shake off the shackles of my former life as a victim of the most perniciously perverted evil bastards.

But Psy Sighs, Lyn reminded me how far I have come and only recently am I finding my feet and catching my breath and opening my Angel-Demon wings to new Hope and Potentialities. Also finally surrounding myself with good kind noble people after having to shed so many fake and toxic ones in recent years.

My circle might be small but I know I have real love and support and I am grateful for those precious humans who get me and vibe with me and hold me precious in honourable delight. Love you all!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons