Memories: 10 March 2025

10 March 2025

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4:29 am I can’t sleep. I am experiencing a very well deserved post traumatic decompression after realising that I just survived a particularly unpleasant weather event FUCKING ALONE!!!! As per usual, while smug self satisfied fellow humans hoarded the last resources and basically left me for dead.

Well…lol…the gods decreed I didn’t die but it’s getting harder and harder to live amongst “Them”! The super boosted feckless pissweak post Covidian maniacs that threaten me with box trailers.

The cyclone is over but the residual trauma of knowing I live next to absolute dangerous monsters will continue to peak and trough for months.

A huge thank you goes to Energex for caring enough about their grid to protect me. For getting power back on after only 30 hours. To Lyn, Jarrod and Margot for being there for me via phone. To my instagram chums for your support also.

You all helped me get through this. I have never felt quite so terrorised except for when I lived in Waterford West 1997-1999 being threatened by those evil cunts the Rosilios on a daily and nightly basis for 18 months with no support or protection from Qld Police.

I have decided that I will never be victimised or threatened like that again. Ever! It’s been quite enough in this lifetime.

But Cyclone Alfred showed me that I am still more powerful than I give myself credit for. Still worthy of intimacy via connection, kindness and support instead of intimacy via conflict, treachery and sadistic debasement.

It’s gonna be a long slow grinding apocalpyse with little or no respite. So I have two options: choose life or choose death. Keep choosing love or accepting merest scraps of love to conflagrate some kind of beautiful life for myself out of the embers. Or quit while I’m ahead.

The way I feel right now, when I look back over the events of recent months, I know which I’d prefer. Yet I must be some kind of lunatic cos here I am still living anyway. Hahahaha. Hilarious!

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“Tea for Two for Me and you” the Kooky Kronikles. I was able to get through on the phone to Jarrod who was safely at his mothers recharging his phone. He is still without power at his home in Mt Cotton. It flooded also, but is already receding. He managed to buy vegetables for food as nothing else was edible with his gluten free and sugar free dietary requirements. Bare subsistence. He’s had a worse time than I.

Many have still major flooding to contend with. But I have been dealing with some fairly awful shit for months so I am allowing a little breakdown now I am safe to do so. A classic Tanya response as she has to save her breakdowns for when it’s all over as she can’t afford the luxury of weakness or self pity or fucking atrophy in the midst of a crisis.

So here we go Babies…Another day in Paradise. I need a hug and $20 million dollars and cigar. Hmmm…Cigar is possible lmao.

10 March 2024

It’s been a lot of work. Three days. I still have the gold lettering to renovate. But almost finished. It reminded me of the deep love and friendship I had in that tiny congregation, Kadimah.

Pity about the other toxic arseholes that helped it implode as often happens in religious/spiritual Jewish congregations. Always an infestation of the demonic kind (narcissists or sociopaths)…sad but true. But I had many soulful beautiful courageous friends who loved me and supported me over the decades too.

Working on this amulet brought many powerful energies out, swirling around me with great joy and comfort. So this evening I am grateful for the deeply powerful respectful Agapé love of fellow earthangels and other spiritual souls. Xxx

10 March 2023

I had a lovely evening with Jarrod. We went to Jackpot Dining in West End then came home and watched “Encanto” together, which was a delightful movie.

It has inspired me to paint my front door in turquoise. My front door is an ugly faded federation green. It badly needs repainting. In fact the entire house needs painting!

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I have had a spirit whispering in my head for two days now. “Stones Corner…stones corner”…They are starting to drive me nuts. There is no reason for me to station green. drive to Stones Corner except to go to Aldi or have a look at the Indian shop that sells crystals and cabochons.

I just bought some little raw gemstones online from someone in the Women’s Metalsmith Collective. So I have no desire to spend more money on stones. Lol.

My little gems arrived this morning and I immediately lost one, while transferring them to their little plastic containers. I looked all over the floor, found one of them but one is still missing.

Well not really missing, it must be somewhere in a dark corner of my flooring wedged behind furniture but I gave it a thorough search so oh well, the pixie that steals my stuff can give it back when they are ready I suppose!

But yes…Stones Corner. Why all the nagging to go there? The last time they nagged me to go there I didn’t run into anyone I know, but did discover that Indian ship sells cabochons. But I don’t need any right now.

I guess I could check out the secondhand shops though. But not today. I am not well enough to go browsing through shops today. I will only go to Total Tools because I need to refill the oxygen cylinder. In and out.

Update: later in the afternoon, I found the little raw ruby gemstone in my bottom drawer in my paper towels. Odd. That drawer wasn’t open when the stones fell on the floor. But I am grateful that little pixie returned it. It wasn’t valuable but it was a tad upsetting to lose it almost as soon as I unpacked it. So I am glad I found it again.

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I had a very bad night last night. Insomnia and constant need to pee (every 20-30 minutes). I feel like a dehydrated dessicated zombie.

But…I had a shower as I was lathered in sweat from weakness plus the constant heat. I washed my hair. Shaved my legs.

Then I got dressed and went to Bunnings to by a shifting wrench so I can remove the regulator from my oxygen gas tank. I also bought rigging gloves as my right hand gets quite hot when I am melting silver or copper.

Lyn is coming at 12:30 pm to change the bandage on my boil. I hope it has drawn to the top so I can get it out as it has made me feel very weak and unwell indeed.

Then later I hope I have the time to go to Total Tools at East Brisbane to exchange my oxygen cylinder.

Then late this arvo, Jarrod is coming to visit me and we are going out for dinner to Jackpot Noodles. I am excited about that as I rarely see him these days. Same with Crystal as they are both so busy with work.

10 March 2022

Yesterday afternoon My daughter Chose the moment when I informed her that I almost lost Charley as she was agonisingly egg-bound to attack me with her usual projections, victim blaming, gaslighting.

It was like a hell loop yesterday. I had had a lovely morning buying groceries at Golden Circle then went with Lyn to buy some fruit and veges. I had gotten home in time for my debrief with my psychiatrist then had discovered Charley’s medical emergency so I was in a tailspin.

Then my daughter rings me with her usual nastiness. She informed me that I am a man hater. I calmly replied that that is simply not true. I have many male friends. Including Jarrod who had been a friendship that lasted 30 years!!!

I told her that I am an ABUSER hater and that crosses all genders and agendas. So then she told me I have such a great life with my disability pension and the cheap rent in my government house while almost everyone else is struggling with jobs and private rent.

Her envy makes my blood chill in my veins. But I ignore it. I am not in a position of privilege and even my pension had to be fought for, for over two years!!! I have a government home with cheap rent as otherwise I would be homeless.

She projected all her toxic vile shit on me so I calmly hung up.

I finished my walk with Bobo and came home and literally felt shell shocked, imploded, lost, for hours after.

Then I spent time watching the Mike Cavalli show and enjoyed that as it always is a positive reinforcement that there are Angels out there in the world who treat me with kindness, generousity, dignity and tolerance.

Then I got a call from Lyn to tell me that her neighbour’s new puppy has ringworm so it’s not safe to bring Bobo for a while. (Understandable!)

But that Hell loop became a huge pit of despair and I struggled mentally for the rest of the night.

Yeah I know. Flooding/Covid/war in Ukraine by her Russian neighbours and The Tanya, daughter of the gods, spirals under over ringworm. Ffs!

But I also made a key decision to leave a group that has an ancient enemy of mine (she who slandered me back in 1989) as that too has been triggering for my already activated trauma issues.

Psychopaths never apologise and I can’t bear to witness the hypocrisy of that particular woman aggrandising herself, knowing full well the damage she perpetrated on me and my children. Yuck.

The beautiful young woman I was supporting to regain her sons was distressed that I left her group. But I am Far away in Australia and have always been supportive and my prayers and my angels will not be withdrawn, in fact they will work even harder as I relinquish my attachment to a torrid sadistic past and let go…let God.

I simply need to protect my psyche, my body mind and spirit from the spiritual attacks, both microcosmic and macrocosmic, as I carry too much for me to integrate right now. Knowing I am too sick and vulnerable and accepting my limitations is a kind of grace.

I will keep fighting to maintain my home, my equilibrium, my safety and my spirit.

One of the nasty things my daughter accused me of was paranoia. I find that trite coming from someone who enforced mask mandates like a fucking Kapo in her job! I had previously instructed her to never do evil in the name of the State as we are second and third generation survivors of the Nazi Regime and we must never ever ever stoop to that level of bestiality and Insanity!

But my daughter is 36 and thinks I am paranoid. So be it. There is a Fucking HISTORY being repeated. I have been denied my freedom to dance, my breath, my body autonomy, freedom to eat in restaurants, dance in clubs while the entire world devolved into further madness and now I am “paranoid”.

Fuck that shit. Fuck the projections and the everyday sadism. I have a dog and a bird that love me more than any human mortal and I have my own self to somehow survive this Paradigm.

Breathless, awake in the night with only my quirky “memories” to comfort me each day. Little reminders of how far I have come on my road to Nowhere on my rat-wheel of fate and only a few rare precious Earthangels to hold my head above the turgid trauma “waters”.

Thank god for those kind souls. Thank All the gods.

I am grateful. I am my Beloved and my Beloved is Mine.

Frankly I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this life. But every day I am trying to rise above the horrorscape not of my own choosing: and steer towards a more serene sanguine safe horizon.

It’s a work in progress. An art form. Survival. I excel at it. One of the few things I have accomplished. Cast upon me like an invisibility cloak. A mantle of honour that sometimes gets spattered by other people’s shit.

Rinse and repeat. Same shit, different day. Hooray. Up She rises.

Never give up on my life, my spirit, my Love.

It’s 3:04 am. I need to sleep. 🙂

10 March 2019

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Last night was rather intense. My new Vietnam vet friend gifted me with a fold-up paper fan. Which he had kept in his pocket for me since the previous weekend. Sweet. He is quite passionate about me, even though I have already set limits by declaring I am interested in a platonic friendship only.

Early in the morning, not sure how but the subject of money came up. I quipped that I had only ten dollars to live on until Tuesday and I am sick to death of dire poverty. He quickly offered to give me 50 bucks.

I gave him a long hard stare. I do not want to be owned by anyone, especially fiscally. But his intentions are very sweet. (I hope!). So I said to him, “No hon, I can’t accept that. I have lived this way for decades and if I start asking people for money, it becomes a constant drain and I cannot do it!”

Also I feel it is enough if some kind soul buys me a drink during the night. So I watched him dissemble emotionally at my rejection of his monetary buffer then he turned to me sadly and said “what is wrong with me that you can’t accept money from me?!”

I understood his pride was hurt, as an older man who wants to be a closer friend than I am willing to accept right now, old school, wanting to look after me in some way. Again, a sweetness.

But I said to him “let me put it this way, I have wealthy friends who help me out with money. One who did it in such a way that I can accept her help honourably, as I foster her cats!

I have a lot of pride and I am sorry I even mentioned my situation as I did not intend for you to feel you have to help me with money. I get by...with a lot of help and I cannot exist as someone who grasps for people only for money!” Then he understood. He smiled.

Later he noticed me watching a beautiful Aboriginal woman dancing joyously (she had danced with me a few hours before!). He said I should take her home. I smiled (he is always trying to get a handle on me). I said “I love women, I find women beautiful and sensuous, but I don’t l-l-l-love Women”. So he said “but you obviously find her attractive. Just take her home and cuddle with her, feel her body next to yours, see what happens?”

I smiled. “You might not realise it, but I am actually heterosexual and I have no interest in taking anyone home to cuddle them. Many here assume I am gay but I am not. If anything, after decades of abuse, I am actually more asexual and celibate.”

One can love or admire a woman without feeling any sexual desire for her. It must be sad to be a man who sees women only as means of sexual or sensorial comfort! So together, he and I are doing a lot of healing.

I realise that many of the regular women admire me only because I represent a sense of safety. I am always my own authentic self, protective of the women in my space (Had to fend off one male friend from my new friend Michelle lmao!) Sometimes I am fierce and others, quietly osmosing my own trauma issues.

I was under observation by many of the regulars as one man who used to be in a relationship with a woman I really like, kindly bought me a couple of drinks and chatted with me. He is a nice man. Likeable. It turns out he is of German descent too. Jesus. I thought he was Italian. (It’s weird how I keep attracting Germans).

But anyway, apart from that, I don’t want to be a rebound/comfort woman so when he disappeared, presumably to the loo, I finished my drink and returned to the dance floor. Maybe he was offended at my slippery side-winding escapism as he kept away after that. But too many people were commenting and after all, that place has been a source of much betrayal and heartache so it’s not where I expect to meet a sexual partner. Ever. I have zero trust.

So the dancing continues. Hopefully surrounded by the few rare birds that are trustworthy and decent and kind. One never can tell. Who is real and who is not. Time, and healing will take care of all that.

I finished off my night, scoffing down a pie and ginger beer (with my last 10 dollarssss. Lmao!) talking to George. I thanked him for his loyalty and kindness over the years, when I got attacked in That filthy Irish pub!

He mentioned he saw Dave a few weeks ago. I nodded. He said that he knew he tried to cause me harm too. Using George to hurt me. I nodded. I said “next time you see him tell that Dickhead that I have moved on and in fact it took him using you, George to get me to move on as only then would I accept the constant betrayals! He still “stalks” me occasionally but I just rise above it”.

George nodded and smiled. We share a bond of c-ptsd and I honour his loyalty. A rarity in that space!

I drove home, exhausted and in my heart, feeling bereft. No cuddles, no real lover for me. Even missing Dave. But I got in my bath and washed the “attachments” crawling under my skin away and watched my dog loving me unconditionally and thought, I have an awesome life.

It’s not so bad. Onwards and upwards. To infinity and beyond. The timelines are twitching and scratching on the cosmic dj’s station. Cacophonously out of sync but the psychedelic dreamer sings in her own spirit now. A long hard howling. Formidable!

Oh and another unusual thing happened. While I was drinking with my male friend (the energy around us was like twittering gossiping birds lmao, so many saboteurs in that space, as if I am not perfectly capable of fucking sabotaging my own “potential” love affairs!!!!), one of the regular guy friends moved in on me (a deliberate attempt to steal back attention).

I nodded and smiled and casually scratched his back. Then quite surprisingly another male dancer who I know has been vaguely sweet on me, grabbed him and steered him away from me.

I was like, taken aback. That is the very first time anyone has let me be “courted” in that place without envy or sabotage. Like a wow moment!!! I watched, briefly, in amazement.

So later on I found that guy and thanked him. “For what?!” He said. I smiled and looked into his eyes “you know...oh you know” and we grinned at each other.

It is refreshing to see someone actually care about my prospects of a love affair even if I already knew (at that moment in time!) I was not going to pursue it. Funny old world, innit?!

Btw. I am in the garden, with a breeze gently caressing my face and the sun sinking low on the horizon. Feeling comforted by the gods, and peaceful. I slept most of the day until 4 pm.

So yeah there has been a shift in consciousness since I ended one of my friendships early this year. My words to her “don’t fucking Sabotage me!!!” It was like a key fitting a lock to a door in my mind and heart. Naming the demons that still Dog me. When you name the devil you take back your power.

Suddenly, after disengaging with those former toxic women friends (who called me “the Nutter”), it was like a fluttering of paper notes dropped from aeroplane and so many lovely men have stepped forward with vague expressions of interest. A block has been at least partially removed.

I am curious to see who is entering my life next. Perhaps I shall be blessed with “the One” after all 🙂.

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Awake after only 5 hours sleep. Arrgghhhh. Beautiful morning though. I am Sitting outside with Charlie and Betty who are both eating my yoghurt, and Beauregard who just asked me why the birds get to sit on the table and eat breakfast with me.

I don’t know the answer to that question.

10 March 2018

3.43 am. Home from a great night out, dancing wildly with Jenny, to Alter Egos at the Livewire Bar.

Exhausted but happy. Usual Epsom salt bath and a cup of tea.

At one point I turned to Jenny and quipped “I better give up knitting. Sitting down so long has made my leg sore again”. We laughed so much.

My leg is actually quite sore again . Hmmm. Dancing as fast as I can before my body clock clunks out.

We went to get a pie and I got to see Katrina again so Jenny bought her a pie and I bought her a coffee.

Then we talked to some homeless guys we met last week. Ate our pies. Then hobbled home as deflated crippled Dancing Queens do at 3 am.

Our mojo (Mana) was high tonight! Shades from the past came to stare and I did not care one little bit.

Awesomeness!!

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Asthma playing up. 5 hours sleep (normal after epic dancing as I get over-exerted). Rock and roll lifestyle is killing me but oh what fun!

10 March 2017

Shabbat Shalom Y'all! Oneg Shabbat for me! Emotionally battered by ghouls from the past and passive aggressive tricksters and other assorted fakes, But there will always be true loves and music and laughter and loyalty, not just in the bad times.

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My beautiful staunch friend Jarrod is coming with me to scatter David Phillips's ashes. We agree that when they arrive (the molten pieces of trashy ash) we shall leave him in my car boot.

I will not bring him inside my house. I don't want him here in my Sacred Space. I came here to escape him and Gisela and Buck and all their vile creepy henchmen. So no, he shall not pass my front door.

In addition I may save a few ashes to place on Buck's grave. David colluded with Buck which cost me safety, sanity and a decent share of my inheritance. So he can be an everlasting crumb on the grave of that evil vicious psychopath.

I would place some of his ashes on David Davidson's grave also, if I knew where the cunt was buried as they too, loved each other to the point of bedevilment. Like Cures Like, People.

Meanwhile in the sea at Wellington Point, their residual DNA can splash about on the shores of King Island. My mummy so laughed at the bad penny coming back time and again, she can enjoy merging her residue with her former Beloved/enemy. Cees : "Och Doch Mensch" but sorry you guys really were a true family of paedophiles, and bastardry, violence, neglect, financial abuse, betrayal and sexual infidelity and debauchery.

I can be bemusedly grateful for the gift of weaving together the last of my enemies in a perfectly aligned seam in a paradigm of time then step away from it like the soiled soul-destroyed garment of a dead life. To begin a new beguine. A new life with my True friends and loves. Kismet.

For now I must wait in limbo for the arrival of the smoke and ashes that was my former progenitor. A week or two? Long enough for my sciatic nerve to unclench for the long walk to King Island and back.

mTiming, comic/cosmic timing, is everything.

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1.21 am Trying to sleep but it is difficult with back pain and leg pain shooting down my left leg. So I have taken 2 more Panadol Osteos. I am Healed.

I am just going to lie here until the pain subsides and then hopefully sleep.

Julie G: I’m panadol Osteo is crap .you need something stronger like panadien.

Me: You are right. Useless crap. I had a rough night. Trying to find a way to sleep with such pain. I tried EFT tapping. No help. Yelling at myself to heal as I fully know it is a body reaction to the insanity of Being made responsible for my dead father even though I told the aged care facility I don't want him, dead or alive.

So my body goes into mock-paralysis and maybe I should just do my wild dance out in the garden and scream myself into exhaustion as that might unclench the nerve (or get me locked up lol).

Anyway, a few short hours of sleep from 4 am ‘til now. Up and at 'em!

I got hay fever too. Itchy bitchy sneezy and seized up like a trussed up old chicken.

Funny life. Funny woman! The gods have my back! I am beautiful, powerful, wildly abundant, blessed with loving friends and free of toxic shock syndrome people from my past. I am Healed!!!

I am whom I am Becoming. 🙂. More of myself!

It is a beautiful day, clear and crisp. I can hear a high vibrational frequency. A high pitched hum. If it is not me having a stroke then it is my angels trying to comfort me.

No cigar smoke today. Whomever that was?

I am happy and grateful to be brought through this season.

PS I tried the stretches but it did not relieve the pain. I will have to keep trying.

Everyone gets sick or hurts themselves after a close family member dies (even one's enemies). It is a normal reaction to the stress.

I am gonna be ok. As long as my teeth don't go so very wrong again. That was excruciating.

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Happy Purim. The Festival of Lots. Queen Esther triumphed over the evil Haman. It starts tomorrow night.

I should go to shule. I have some of my own demons to stomp into the floor. Hashem Knowsssss. :-)

10 March 2016

4.58 am. Asthma bad. Been in bed since 1 am. Can't bloody sleep. Just took Seroquel to silent my broiling mind. I am looking forward to Mojo Burning on Saturday night. I need to get some rest so I have some Mojo to Fry. 2 more sleeps. Yayyyy!

If I miss out due to being crook I will be really sickened. Lol!

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Tummy troubles. Must have eaten too much ice cream last night. Ugh! Now drinking green tea with cardamon, honey, cloves and turmeric. I will drive this cold out or die trying!!!

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3.43pm Muggy today. Sitting at my kitchen table in my sarong which has slipped to my waist, dripping in sweat. Ugh! Bobo had a swim in his clam pool too. He loves that little pool now.

I am trying to catch the breeze coming through the kitchen windows. I might as well give up and take a cold shower. I really need to gather enough cash together to buy that above-ground swimming pool. I am done sweltering.

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Ahhh! Never underestimate the power of water to revive, rejuvenate and rejoice.

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2.39 pm finally awake. The Seroquel knocked me out at 8 am but only for 6 hours. It is true that I sleep less when I am sick. Oh well. Another afternoon/ night ahead of me. I have taken my pills, fed the goldfish. Just need breakfast then keep resting.

I am driving Annette to hospital tomorrow morning then picking her up at 4. She is having a procedure. I am worried about the fact that I have reached an age where myself and my beautiful friends are all struggling with health issues. I used to be the only sick one! Life is weird sometimes.

It's an overcast windy day. I suppose it will rain later.

10 March 2015

I got up at 5 pm. Felt edgy and blah (a brief panic attack). So I did what I do when I can't stand myself! I went in the garden.

I smashed up some chipped old china for my new plan to get into mosaicing (lol!). I managed to smash my left forefinger nail as well. Ouch!

Then I did some washing, filled up my larger fishpond, watered a bit around back garden but not a complete dousing, just a splash around the driest bits.

Now inside with a really wet house dress, contented cats, sore finger but feel much more alive.

My moods are very labile and I feel really fatigued. It's been a tough few months and that combined with menopause symptoms has made me feel rather crappy.

One more month until I turn 50 so perhaps I will settle down soon :-). (or alternatively get even wilder and madder lmao!)

Life is beautiful! I might as well keep riding that wild Mustang to the edge of the world and take a flying leap. It's the journey that counts, not the destination.

10 March 2014

Today I had the humbling experience of taking the contents of my money box, a grand total of $20.45 to Woolies as the banks were already closed. I helped the young lass count out all the coins then merrily went into the store to buy cat food, leaving me enough to put $10 petrol in my car! Lol! Living my dreams. Prosperity is having $20 in loose change in the last moment when all is lost! ha!

I am borrowing money from Crystal so I can attend Mojo Burning and will pay her back the following Tuesday.

I may be broke but I will enjoy music and dance, dammit! Crystal has my car on Friday so I guess I will take the bus in :-). Everything is fitting into perfect plans.

As the Beatles said "All you need is Love"!

10 March 2009

Crystal is performing in Springfield in The Tempest on Saturday night..we're all going...woooohoooo

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons