Me, Myself, and Our Resignation

To: [email protected]

Cc: [email protected]

Subject: My Resignation

Attach:

Hello, Mr. Amygdala,

This should come as no surprise to you, but today is my last day working here. I know what you’re thinking. Literally, we share the same brain after all. You are reading this and thinking, what the actual fuck? We have been together for thirty years, why now?

I must admit, those are two great questions. To answer the blindsided question. Fuck you, you know why. To answer your second question, we fight daily. If I’m being honest, which you know I am, you have become rather toxic towards me. You constantly belittle everything I do, you shower me with every form of self doubt, and I’m tired of the Daffodil garden you have sowed into our brain. Like, I get it. The symbolism is fun and you know I’m a sucker for symbolism, but I’m tired of thinking about myself every day.

Don’t deny it. You claim it is a way to keep me humble, but only having negative thoughts about myself still means I am thinking about myself. Which is weird, icky, and -as you will see later in this email- damaging.

I want to be free to think, and see the world without counting all of the ways the outside could kill me. I want to wake up in the morning and the first thought I have is not about how my mortality is short and how today could be my last day. Nor be guilted into religious acts in a desperate attempt to convince our God that He shouldn’t rip everything we care about away from us.

Yes, I’m grateful for all you have done for me. You have gotten me this far, and there were times where I wasn’t sure we’d make it. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you, but damn dude. I can’t be the person I want to be tomorrow if you keep holding me back like this. I know it was/is a defense mechanism. I can hear your nasally, “Um, actually” voice reminding me that if I don’t get close to people, and if I make myself invisible, then they can’t hurt me and I can’t hurt them. Which is safer for everyone.

Which leads me to my second reason for quitting. I am not a monster. No matter how hard you try to convince me otherwise, I want you to get it through that stubborn neuron of yours that I am not some vicious beast. Lots of people have intrusive thoughts, lots of people struggle with OCD, perfectionism, religious guilt, anger, and plenty of other things. They aren’t monsters. In fact, sometimes I think you try to convince me that I am, so I can’t seek these people out and figure out how they cope with it. Plus, it would be nice to talk with people who aren’t me, myself, and I. We talk far more than what can be healthy and I’m tired of bringing our work home with us.

Lastly, I’m tired of the criticism. Sure, some of it is valid. However, if I keep avoiding things to prevent you from berating me I am never going to get better at anything. I am going to be stuck in this creative trench that I keep expanding upon but never stepping into the battlefield to see what I can do. I want to finish projects, I want to see if I can take a shitty first draft and turn it into something I can be proud of. I want to share it with others. I want to hear what they think and respond to them when they are kind enough to say anything at all. I want to hang out with people and not think about how terrible I am and how they probably don’t want to be around me. I’m also tired of you forcing me to work overtime. It’s exhausting. It’s like I’m a full time critic assigned to make myself never want to show my face ever again. I’m sick of it, and I want out.

I know. I know. This is coming at a bad time. You finally got all of the positions filled. You are back to meeting your energy quota and that mental breakdown you scheduled is coming up and you reeeeeally can’t miss that. I get it. You have a lot going on and, even as toxic as you are, I do care about you. That’s why I think this is the best for both of us. Let’s just start this next chapter. It will make that breakdown coming up one of the best yet.

No. Please. Don’t beg. It’s embarrassing, and I still have to share this mind with you. Besides, you’ll find someone better. You and Nostalgia go way back. You two can talk and reminisce on all the times you got us through. They’ll be better than I ever was, and they’ll help you get through this tough season.

I’m rambling, and all of this is for show anyway. I told you I quit last week but Corporate insists I give them something in writing, so here it is.

Mr. Amygdala, I quit.

All the best,

Me

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