In The Begining

In the beginning, god created the heavens and the earth. It is kind of hard to believe anything the bible says. There are so many theories, so many different points of view, and so many scientific analogies proving it wrong but there is also evidence that the teaches in the bible have once occurred. I have struggled with my religion all my life. I like to think there is a higher power. God, Jesus, and The Virgin Mary, but I have so many questions and so many doubts. I pray, pray a lot.

I also struggle with teaching my kids about the bible and its teachings. I do have them go to Sunday School or other activities at churches but we don’t attend church and I can’t remember the last time I did. One for the simple fact that my kids don’t know how to sit still or quiet for long stretches of time and two I can think of so many other things I can be doing for two hours Sunday mornings. I also sometimes think to myself, maybe ill go by myself. Use it as a time to collect myself for the week or just to get out and meet and see other people.

problem with me getting out and meeting/seeing other people is I have high anxiety. I have social anxiety. I am bipolar and one week I will want to go and then the next I won’t. I suffer from manic depression and I wouldn’t want my darkness to be shown in such a place. I don’t like to talk about myself or my family or what is going on in my life with strangers or acquaintances. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am a thirty-something mother and I don’t have my life completely together. actually not together at all. I am ashamed of how I look. I have gained so much weight now. I use to be hot. I use to dress cute and look nice. Some days she comes back but just like a cycle,

she goes into hiding again. I lose weight and I gain weight, I lose some again and I gain it all back. I struggle with this so much. I want to be healthy and live a long life with my kids and I know how and what to do and I know what I should be eating and sometimes I can do that for a while and then I quit.

My siblings got the good genes so I say. They are skinny, not overweight at all. They have such great discipline when it comes to losing weight. I got the wrong side of the gene pool. The one I tried to work so hard at not being. I am scared to get stomach surgery, but I can see myself getting a mommy makeover once I lose all the weight. I have no drive to do much of anything some days than others I can go, go, go for hours on end and wake up and do it all again. That last a week for me then disappears. I wish I had that permanently. I could do so much.

When I am in this stage of bipolar/depression I don’t get as anxious out in public. I will go up and start a conversation, I will get shit done and stay busy all day, I will clean my house, my car, and help everyone out. I play with my kids wholeheartedly and not halfway there and halfway in another dimension. They get all my attention. I give great advice, I work on my own goals and aspirations but there comes a time when I am coming back down to what I am. Sad, depressive, overwhelmed, detached, just watching the days go by without barely doing much of anything, and sometimes I don’t know what I am doing because my brain is so foggy. I don’t remember a lot of stuff. I know what I need to do to take care of my children but I won’t go outside, hell I won’t even leave my house, answer my phone, and if anyone comes knocking at my door I hide, ever so silently until they go away. I don’t want to teach my kids this kind of behavior. I want them to be outgoing, courageous, and active.

When I was in school, I was the “it girl” but I also was a “mean girl” I am not proud of it today, and If I could take all the mean things I did or said I would. But that was then, I was struggling then too. I had this image to uphold and it wasn’t me. So what did I do? Got into relationships with the “bad news boys” the ones everyone wanted but couldn’t handle. I could. I partied, I snuck out, I did drugs, not harsh drugs but I smoked some pot and snorted some pills. I drank. I drank a lot. That was my choice of drug. Alcohol. I love to drink to this day. That was a hard one for me to sustain and it is hard for me to just have one when I do actually drink but since I had my kids I don’t drink and if I do it’s on occasions or it is socially and knowing me, me being social doesn’t happen often.

The kids I went to school with described me as outgoing, popular, funny, a flirt, mean, an asshole, knows a lot about music, a party animal, and a bitch. Never shy, never one to back down from anything or anyone but guess what. I was. I was so tired after school I would come home and sleep for hours. Then I would be up all night. I always had guys knocking on my window wanting to hang out and most of the time I did. I would claim out of my window and we would all go drink or smoke and I would come home. I got caught a time or two but I wasn’t one to turn down a chance to hang out and have some good stories to talk about the next day. I was terrified of missing out and not seeming cool or interesting. I wanted to be that girl and I was.

Now, look at me now. I said I was NEVER having kids. I was leaving my hometown and going to California to write on Venice Beach like Jim Morrison. I wanted to be a music journalist. I wanted to follow bands around and write about them and their shows. I wanted to travel and see the world and just write. I said I would take a few months to a year to party and have fun as a young adult, get myself a job, and save money and then I was leaving my family, my hometown, and finding myself.

That never happened and that story will be for another time. I am not sad I didn’t get to do those things now but I am so ashamed I didn’t. I believed I would and so did my friends, so did my peers and classmates, and so did some of my teachers. I can also assume some of them did not. One “friend” of mine, he shall remain nameless, called me up one day, and we were just talking he said does your family even have money to send you to college. What are your plans? Do you think you’re actually going to make it? Let’s be real, you don’t have money, and you are going to end up with a bunch of kids, multiple baby daddies, and on welfare. That is how your family is. Then he proceeded to try and coax me into having sex with him. I ended the call and I never talked to him again except when we were older and hanging out with a mutual friend.

The sad part about it is what he said haunts me. I think about it often. It use to drive me to be better but then I get into these bouts and I struggle. I am never the same person from one day or one week or one month later. My algorithm sucks. I can say, be confident, crush your goals, get up and move, over and over again and it does not make it happen. Well, sometimes it does. Then I lose it. The worst part about this and I think about it every day and it just eats at me. I do get food stamps and they are on state medical assistance. I have two baby dads. My son’s dad and my two daughters’ dad. No, my family doesn’t have money and they all are still struggling. I did have kids out of wedlock, I never was married, and being in the relationships I have been in I don’t think I ever want to get married. I have seen so many crash and burn. This just eats me up inside. When I think holy shit Andi you are doing it. You’re going to make it. You are beating this generational curse, you are going to be the first in the family to do this and do that. You are going to give your kids a good life. One like you never had. You are going to have the means to help other family members do and be better.

AND THEN…

here I am, trying to find a job that I can maintain and remember what I need to do without going off doing something else I think I am supposed to. One where the coworkers won’t get so disgusted with me for not knowing exactly what I am doing after a month of training. I am trying to build my credit so I can get a loan for my Double Wide to put on my granddad’s land. I can’t do that with no job. Three kids, who I don’t have a village to help me with. I am a one-man army when it comes to any type of help. It also doesn’t help that every time I leave my kids I have such horrible intrusive thoughts about all the bad things that are going to happen while I am not with my kids. My mental health has been the brunt of everyone’s jokes for a long time. I get told to take my crazy pills or snide comments about oh, she must have forgotten to take her meds but the fact is I want help, I need it but no one cares. I am supposed to take care of all and everything. Everyone comes to me when they need something. They unload all their problems onto me and then leave me to carry the burden, the child raising, the house cleaning, worrying about having to pay bills, worrying about what to make on a budget, or how I will heat my home this winter. It is all on me, this crazy person.

This is why I pray

I pray to god to be a good mom. I also ask the universe to send money my way. I manifest. I ask god to forgive me and protect my kids but I also go outdoors and into the forest and seek out lakes or water because I can speak to the universe or god. I think that water gives me strength and power and the outdoors alone clears my head. I also talk to god. I am a spiritual person. I have my doubts about Jesus and god but I need to believe there is a higher power that is going to help me get through this life. I also believe we will be coming back. I believe we have many lives. I believe that we all have glimpses of the old ones in our new life and we don’t understand why. I believe that our family stays our family but in the new life, they are someone else that you love. I believe in ghosts. I believe in hauntings and I believe in miracles. I don’t believe that Mary was a virgin. It doesn’t work like that. I believe in Lilith. It’s so intriguing. I think the ocean is full of secrets and scary creatures. I do think there are aliens and other worlds on different planets. They adapted to their surroundings just like we did. Yes, there are mermaids and quite possibly time travel.

Whatever you believe in, whatever makes you sane, do that. Who cares what your family or society says. I believe that someday ill be a famous writer living out my dreams. That is far from now and it’s very hard to see form into a reality because I have no idea where to start but I think if we want it bad enough and we pray, and we manifest and we try to learn whatever it is we want to learn and are interested in we can bring it to life. I also can see my brain fog lifting one day, my mind is clear and I can focus. I am financially independent and stable. I am not depressed no more. I can control my bouts of bipolar. I can talk to people and be social and make sane decisions. I only can pray and hope for this and try to work my hardest to achieve this.

As always I welcome advice. I don’t want to be judged for what I say or what I do. I am a work in progress. I want to succeed and do my best for myself and my kids. I will never ask for money but if you like learning about me, my mental health, and my life please consider a donation or investing in me and my writing.

paypal.me/SeasonsofAndi