I Quit

I quit; I'm done here.

Just permit me an extra moment or two to say "WHY" (How's THAT for a "Two-Week Notice;" in maybe 800 words?)

So...what am I precisely done WITH?

I'm done with the most personal addiction I can muster.

...Wait; I'm supposed to start this differently, right?

"Hi; I'm Kent Brindley and..."

...I'm addicted to trying to the opinions of others.

At over 2/3s of the way through my 40th year.

I'm addicted to the opinions of others.

Parents.

Friends.

The church.

Coworkers (Okay; even I get a pass for worrying as to how management sees me).

"Specific persons" (Yeah; it's a fancy way of saying crushes. As in, not even relationships/partners. Also as in, I'm only so emotionally invested until I realize that each of them isn't returning my investment and I'm free as a bird to move on).

I'm addicted to what others think of me (or worse "Do I cross [specifically her mind] at all???)

40; and still of the belief that I can please and appease anyone and everyone at all hours; every day.

40; and retaining the image where my SELF-esteem is tied into OTHERS' thoughts.

Hey; if I can please everyone at once, then I'm the one running for local politics here.

That reminds me; I know who I am.

I'm only so shy about who I am to those around me who know me best either.

They love and respect my conviction.

I'm always surrounded by love.

Yet; I'm addicted to MORE.

MORE genuine compliments.

MORE sincere acceptance.

MORE from...from...from a person who there is a very good reason that I am receiving less and less from.

I try to accept people as they are; and yearn for the same from EVERYONE...

No more.

I am free; I am ME.

I quit.

I quit tying my identity and self worth in with everyone ELSE's opinion of me (and I do not wish for my own opinion of THEM to bring them down).

I quit feeling so alone when, realistically, I am always surrounded by such support.

I quit casting off MY lack of self-worth on "it's OTHERS MAKING ME feel this way."

I quit (and this is painful) I quit chasing something that isn't there from a singular person.

She loves me; she RESPECTS me.

I lost sight of the second part of that somewhere down the line when, once, the feeling was mutual.

I quit standing in her way.

I quit chasing more than what she is willing to put on the table.

I quit being a burden.

I quit being a part of her problem; when I want to be part of a solution.

I quit begging, chasing, and pursuing. (And I'll start with the realization that "Chasing and pursuing, obviously, suggests GREATER distance between two points.")

I quit chasing her; I'm going to start passing the ball into her court and letting her decide when to reach out about the personal. (Professionally, I can't quit working beside her as she's part of my favorite Summer-job working team...)

I'm still the guy who can be called upon as needed; I quit being the guy who is called upon as a second thought.

I quit letting people quietly walk all over me; I'll start asking you to wipe your feet first.

I quit worrying about what is said about me when I am no longer available to hear it from the source; I remember the plethora of community members who are supportive of me and grateful to me to my face.

I quit silly arguments and social media squabbles that lead nowhere; I start actively listening.

I quit walking away as the villain in a cyber squabble; I start by considering my words before a volatile post and asking amends when I fall short.

I quit always checking in on others (but will check in with them upon a safe arrival home when asked) and let THEM confirm with me that they are well.

I quit comparing my life to those of others; this is MY life where I still have many hopes, plans, dreams, and ambitions to pursue as they have not found me yet; and I am not here to take away someone else's successes and ambitions by bemoaning them.

Ours is a big world of smaller communities and even smaller social circles. Not everyone is on the same playing field or in the same place in the pursuit of notoriety or their ambitions and dreams.

I quit the comparison game; it is one I am set up to lose from my parents' house without a vehicle, no significant other, and a part-time job (THREE part-time jobs; but only in the Summer).

I can be surrounded by people; and feel alone.

I quit the lie where I am alone in this community; the reality is how greatly I am appreciated if I can remain grateful of the message.

I quit complaining, I quit worrying, I quit chasing, I quit nagging and begging.

I quit the worst addictions of all: "Constant validation" and "Comparison/Contrast."