I Never Saw This Coming

Life is so unpredictable.

If you told me that life would have taken me on this journey I would have laughed in your face. I would have stared in your eyes, the dimples in my cheeks deeply exposed to your lyrical prose. Because life at that time was promising. I guess that's the thing with innocence.

Yet, here I am after living life. When the rubber met the road, “life got real.”It wasn't filled with baskets of flowers or handful of candies as I once believed. Life was roses with thorns and weeds.

I didn't know that I would have loved with all my being just to be abused, to be publicly degraded, to be controlled, and to be impregnated with low self-esteem and self hate. I didn't know that I'd have found myself in a web of deceit that led to my demise, my defeat.

I didn't know that there would've been a time when I resented the world. I didn't know that there would be a time when I'd hide, too ashamed and hurt to cry, and wanting to believe that it was all not real. That I wasn't broken. That this was just a dream.

I didn't know that there'd have been a time when my mind wasn't thinking straight. That there'd have been a time I couldn't write because life got so emotional. I didn't know but looking back at that time, I was dysfunctional. During that time I didn't know that the storm would pass. I didn't know that my heart would beat again and that I wouldn't have gone insane or that all my years wouldn't be filled with pain.

I didn't know that after being cocooned I'd ‘metamorphosize’. That like a phoenix I'd rise. During that time, I didn't know that my writing was a part of my own healing. That the way I penned my feelings, though I tried to escape the emotions in reality, it all scattered on the pages.

During that time, if my emotions were a color, it would have been black. Yes I know, I know! For all you who want to be politically correct, black is not a color, it's a shade.Well guess what, the shade of my aura was all dark. There was no light. Nothing was bright. I cried in the dark of the night, because I felt like I was sinking into an abyss that no one could see. That no one understood but me.

And after all that, I stand here a testimony to my own dependence on Christ. The one who dried my eyes. The one who restored my peace. When I stopped looking for a savior in the arms of men who could only satisfy a temporal desire, I found the one! The mighty savior! The one who said if anyone be in christ he is a new creature. I didn't know that from all that brokenness I'd recover.

So when you go through your drama, I know you didn't see it coming. Like a mad hurricane it rushed in. Taking off house roofs and pulling off doors, exposing cores, exposing secrets, and exposing the naked truths that you'd have grabbed your privates to hide. The ones that were covered in slimy lies, stinking of sin. The erratic beat of your heart, the drumbeat of life rushes in, the tsunami rises, wave after wave pushing you off your feet.

I know you never saw that coming; the way the world snares at you or that life seems to clap its hands, giving a standing ovation to the stellar performance from the characters in your reality show. The drama like no other! Because only you know how much you suffered, how much you pained, how much you hated, how much you cried, and how much you died over and over again.

I know you never saw it coming, but let the pain go through your being. Feel it and stop fighting the waves or you'd drown. You can't fight against the tide. Let it be! Surrender! Let the hurt wash over you. Bury yourself in the stink of life. Let your heart cry out from your soul. Scream and be free!

I know you didn't see it coming, but let God heal your wounds!