I got an apology I never thought I would get

I did my usual scroll through my email inbox on my phone, nothing too critical, a lot of spam, but then one that made me pause. It wasn’t the reaction of “Hey, maybe that is a legit $1 million win”, instead, it was an email from an old boss.

This was, in fact, a boss I had worked for twice in my career. The first time was a great experience; I learned a lot from him, he inspired me, and he took a genuine interest in my development. I looked at this man as a mentor who had so much knowledge to share with me, and I wanted to model my leadership style on his. I was saddened when he left to take on another job, but we stayed in contact through social media and caught up when I moved back to the same town.

So, a few years later, when he reached out and asked me if I’d be interested in a job working for him again, I jumped at the chance. Even though I’d only started working in a great job six months earlier, I didn’t want to pass up the chance to work with him again. Also, it was a significant pay bump, and I could see the potential to use my skills, as well as develop new ones.

To say that this second experience was not as positive as the first is probably an understatement.

To begin with, four days after I started in the job, my dad died suddenly. This was a hit that I hadn’t anticipated, and working through that trauma made going to work even harder. But worse still, this boss that I’d looked up to as someone who cared for his people was not caring for me.

I had never understood what it meant to be gaslit until this experience. He and I would discuss ways to approach a particular project, and we’d agree, next thing he’d be sitting in a meeting saying the exact opposite. When I’d question him about it, he’d tell me that I must have misunderstood. He would pressure me to take a combative approach to other business units, which would not get us buy-in for the projects where we needed their help.

But worst of all, he told lies. He told lies about what he was supposed to be doing, and he told lies about me. When my peers realized that he was trying to divide and conquer, we all started talking and started supporting each other.

Eventually, I was broken from the experience and put in my resignation without another job to go to.

Feel free to read all about that:

My wife said at one point, “It’s like you lost two dads this year, because I know how much you looked up to him”.

From that day, he and I hadn’t spoken. Except for one day when he showed up at a café when I was catching up with a mutual colleague. We pretended to still be friends and exchanged niceties, but I got out of there as soon as I could.

It’s nearly four years since we stopped working together. I realized a few months back that he had blocked me on Facebook, and I had tried my best to just put that time of my life out of my head.

Then I got this email.

Attached to the email was a photo of my wife and I from a formal dinner I had gone to with the boss and his wife.

The words in the email were straightforward.

This came up on my feed this morning. I am genuinely sorry that I made your life so difficult. Hopefully you are in a better place now.

Sincerely

I was surprised, I felt validated, and if I’m being honest, a bit relieved. I don’t know what caused him to reflect on how he’d treated me, but it was nice to get a message where he accepted some of his behavior.

I spoke to some other work colleagues about it and to my wife. We all reached a consensus that either someone else had said something to him, or he was at some life-changing moment, like a worrying health diagnosis.

I ruminated on whether or not to reply, and finally I did. I told him that even though I knew he would often be sarcastic, I was hoping his apology was sincere. I explained that the experience working for him the second time was not a positive one and that I had spent a long time rebuilding my confidence. I told him that I was in a better place, and I had taken what I’d learned from that experience to also reflect on things I would do differently if I had the time over again.

He replied, thanking me for my reflections, and assuring me that he was certainly being sincere and there was no sarcasm.

I’ve been trying to remember that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.

I can now put that chapter of my life to rest. It would have taken him a lot to make that apology, and I know that it's hard for anyone to admit when they were wrong.