I couldn't make this up if I tried

If I had not experienced first hand all of the atypical and bizarre events that make up the peculiar story that is my life, I doubt that I would believe much of it to be true, and I would praise the creative mind that would be capable of conjuring such imaginative fiction. I would like to think that I possess the sort of original and inventive talent that the creation of such a story would require, but in reality, I don’t think I could make any of it up if I tried. My story is such that no one, upon listening to any part of it, is able to say that they had an experience that is even remotely similar to mine.

How is my true story stranger than fiction? Let me count the ways……….here are at least 20 that I can think of:

1) I was conceived in Algeria, but born in the United States

2) I started riding in horse shows before I started the first grade

3) Speaking of the first grade, I moved from a farm in Virginia and started the first grade in Paris, France, where I lived until I was 12

4) I raced the fastest pony in Paris. She was a shetland named “Alummette”, which means “match” in French

5) By the time I was 10 years old, I had been to the Louvre so many times that it became redundant

6) I learned to ski in the French Alps

7) I stayed in a palace in Rabat, Morocco for two weeks when I was 8 years old

8) I spent my 8th birthday on a 6 hour flight with my father in first class and drank 3 glasses of champagne.

9) For my sophomore and junior years of high school, I went to a private school that had to operate in the west wing of a nursing home. The east wing was an actual nursing home and it wasn’t uncommon for there to be a random super confused really old person wandering our hallways

10) When I was a senior in high school, my Dad hired me for $10/hour under the table to type in phone numbers into a program that was tracking the communication activities of 3 suspected terrorists in London. It was for an independent contract job he was doing for “the Agency”.... And he literally told me to “keep it under my hat”. I wanted SO BAD to tell all of my friends. But I didn’t cuz then my Dad would’ve had to kill me.

11) I spent 6 months living in a house at 11,800 feet in Colorado (winter months)

12) I was living in Costa Rica when I turned 20 years old, and had an Argentinian boyfriend who was a DJ, and we held raves in abandoned villas, in working dairy barns (where cows were being milked by very confused people downstairs). Also in Costa Rica, I adopted a street dog and brought her back to America where she lived with me throughout my entire 20’s

13) I’ve done jail time with Dan Ackroyd’s niece. Fact.

14) I’ve performed veterinary procedures on iguanas, river otters, osprey, sea turtles, owls, coyotes, and a bald eagle

15) I went to Waveland, Mississippi after hurricane Katrina to rescue animals who were displaced by the storm

16 )My Dad (God rest his soul) was an international CIA operative. I’m fairly certain that during his career he was an active participant, or at the very least facilitated, covert assassinations

17) I spent two months being voluntarily homeless because I was having so much fun (I was sleeping under a pier on a beach – not sustainable in the least and definitely not legal, but it was 2 of the best two months of my life

18) I am fairly certain that I am un-rapeable and maybe un-murderable. I have put myself in situations that were statistically impossible to not be rape/murdered in and somehow walked away leaving the would be rapists utterly confused and probably a little disturbed. I also feel pretty sure that if anyone has ever considered raping me, that they changed their minds after spending 5 minutes with me because they realized that I would be a huge pain in the ass. I’m also fairly certain that if someone did try to rape me, that the experience would result in them needing therapy. Like, I would straight up hurt their feelings really, really badly.

19) I have an uncanny (some may even say it’s magical) ability to get into concerts that I do not have tickets for and that are sold out. I’ve been thrown over fences, I’ve been taken through VIP doors by VIP people that I did not know at all, I’ve just straight waltzed pass ticket checkers like I was somebody important, I’ve paid $30 for a wrist band that was made of a bunch of the tail ends of real $300 wrist bands, the list goes on and on…..

20) I used my 35 foot Winnebago to run errands for like 4 days…..I’m talking laundromat, dollar store, grocery store, etc. It was pretty ridiculous and I am shocked I didn’t hit anything.