I Believe Rest Is Key to Healing

My Pandemic Story

I left my job in journalism in 2020. I realized I was putting too much stress on my shoulders. I was miserable putting together stories about the pandemic, politics, and crime. I lived in Chicago, so almost every day I had to report on murders.

I was panicked because during the first phase of the pandemic my mom was put into a lockdown. She suffers from early onset dementia and Alzheimer's. She is 65 years old. She first got her diagnosis when she was 58. During the pandemic, she lost her capacity to handle phone conversations. For a whole year, I could only speak with her outside a window. I couldn't see her in person until the vaccine was made public.

The first time I got to see her in person, the nursing home staff had to help her walk to a private room. I had to wear a mask. I'm not sure she could recognize me. A month later I saw her, and she couldn't walk anymore.

My mom's health and my job weren't the only stressful factors at that time.

I had planned a destination wedding for October 2020. My fiancé and I had to scrap those plans and reinvent our wedding day in my hometown. We had six weeks to plan. We kept our party small. I've never felt so much stress in a single year. But my wedding day was the brightest day of the year. I was worried that things would fall apart on such a short timeline. I was worried that we wouldn't have cake for our guests, and for whatever reason, that sent me into a crying spiral.

We got the cake. We got the flowers. I didn't get my dress tailored and my bridesmaids made me look more orange than I wanted, but I still looked beautiful. My partner and I didn't have to lose our wedding date and put things up in the air indefinitely.

2021 was also stressful. I've been working toward becoming a full-time freelance writer. I essentially created a job from scratch. I'm making far less money, but I have more time on my hands. I can actually be in touch with my thoughts. I can think about the future and not just the current day.

In 2021, my husband and I moved to another part of the country and bought a house. He had planned to buy a house for many years, and he didn't want to get off track because of COVID. He couldn't wait any longer; he wanted a permanent home. So we decided to take the plunge in a seller's market, and luck have you, we did find a house that matches our needs.

A couple of months after moving, my cat got really sick. He was straining to pee. The day before Halloween, I ran him over to the emergency vet clinic. It was around midnight. For the next week, I would take him back and forth to the emergency clinic and my regular veterinarian. After many trials and errors, it was concluded that he needed surgery.

I was so scared that my cat wasn't going to make it. He has been a major source of comfort over the past couple of years. It was hard when he had to spend days and nights at the emergency clinic, and I couldn't see his happy little face peeking out of a mountain of blankets.

After his surgery, he had to stay isolated to a bathroom for three weeks. He couldn't have contact with our other pets (a dog and another cat). He had to wear a cone and was on a strict schedule for medicines. I was losing sleep trying to keep up with the schedule.

He made a full recovery. He gained back his weight. His fur is still growing back from where they shaved him to put in his catheter and to make the incision for his surgery. He had a urinary blockage; there were large stones that had to be removed from his bladder.

My cat now leaps and bounds around the house. He pretends he is a torpedo. My little furball has gained back his personality. He is a testament to the power of healing and rest.

* * *

My husband and I had two residual wedding events to plan in 2021. We wanted more people to celebrate with us, those who couldn't because of our adjusted plans and party size restrictions. My mother-in-law wanted a reception with all her relatives.

I haven't really been able to make new friends during the pandemic. I've relied on old connections. I'm not sure how to make new friends in a new town as an adult. Things are sadly not as outgoing and spontaneous as in my college days.

Therapy Helped Connect the Dots

I went into therapy in 2020 to help me navigate all the stressful events. I was worried my mom would die at any moment, and I wouldn't be able to see her during the decline. I was worried she wouldn't have a funeral because of COVID restrictions. Back in March 2020, funerals were getting canceled.

I was on edge with so many things up in the air. Did I mention my partner was laid off in 2020? We weren't sure where we were headed. We didn't have job security. Everything was hazy.

Sometimes I cried in bed and didn't want to get up. I sat on the bathroom floor, staring at the walls. I heard about an offer for free therapy sessions for first responders in the pandemic. They were taking nurses, firefighters, police officers, and journalists. This therapy group was for those who had to directly deal with COVID on a daily basis. I was getting secondary trauma from all the content I had to piece together, watch, study, and the like.

Therapy helped me lower my stress. It gave me clarity. It felt like I had found someone who understood me and cared. They helped me carry my load. They helped me find the strength to leave journalism.

I was worried that if more stress came my way, I would topple over and get swept up by a sea. I would imagine this sea in my mind. I saw my stress as a growing tsunami; I needed protection before it came and engulfed me. I'm happy to say therapy protected me; I beat the tsunami.

Heading into 2022, I've been considering what kind of self-care plan I would like. I want to have a baby, and I believe the best thing you can do to prepare for one is to lower your stress and to rest more.

Trying to be an alpha worker who takes on any demand and is in it for the adrenaline won't cut it as a mom. I used to have nightmares that I would have a miscarriage in the middle of my newsroom. My body was trying to tell me I needed to make changes.

So I want to create a better rest plan. One that's malleable and not set in stone. One that will support me and any people who depend on me.

I think creating an aggressive rest plan is counterintuitive. You're not trying to win at rest or win at therapy. You just need to embrace it and let it guide you.

There are several things I want to do in 2022 to bring more equanimity into my life. I plan to journal about my dreams, no matter how absurd they might be. I need to get over my restless thoughts from my past jobs, so I'm going to write letters I'll never send to people who've angered me.

I plan to sleep for as long as I want and not live by an alarm clock. I generally get up around 7:00 or 8:00 AM. I have an east-facing bedroom, and the sun's rays flood through my window. I plan to buy some curtains so I'm not so bound by the sun.

I'll add more exercise into my day. I'll take breaks from writing to stretch, lift weights, and get my heart rate up. I'll invest in a nicer pillow, so I can sleep better. Drink more cups of tea and stare at the lake in my neighborhood. Pet my cat and tell him I'm thankful he is alive. Let myself cry instead of holding back tears.

I don't think my mom will be around for much longer. I've watched her suffer and go through pain for so long that I'm not sure how I will process her passing. I am scared that I could get dementia in my 50s. I partly want to incorporate more rest into my life to better protect my health. I feel like I have less sand in my time-turner than other people.

I want to listen to more classical music. I enjoy music without lyrics. I want to read more books. I finally want to read all of the Lord of the Rings saga. There is so much I want to do. I know I won't conquer all of it. I just want to put all the cards before me. I want to know my options; I want to ensure that I have good self-care options before me.

I'm continuing to let go of my past life. When I was a journalist, I had to work shifts that were all over the place. I worked shifts like:

11:00 PM to 7:00 AM;

6:00 AM to 2:00 PM;

10:30 AM to 6:30 PM;

2:00 PM to 11:00 PM;

It was madness. It took me months to recover. I would wake up randomly in the middle of the night even after I had left my journalism job. My circadian rhythm was broken. My resting heart rate was above 100. I'm in a better place now, but I want to be in an even better place.

When I worked in journalism, I had to hold back my emotions. I refused to cry at work. I became numb to the pain and suffering of others. I felt like I was drowning in miserable stories. I would have nightmares about missing kids. Daily I would watch videos of car crashes, houses on fire, and sick people on the verge of dying.

There came a point where I wanted to exit. I don't think my managers wanted me around anymore (that's a long story). My service to journalism had clearly come to an end. The writing was on the wall.

Building a New Life

I will continue my therapy sessions in 2022. My therapist is helping me work on my self-care strategies. We're looking at how stress was beating me. It was the better opponent in the ring. I needed better tools to fight it back. You need the right boxing gloves if you want to win.

I'm learning how to have a good relationship with myself. I was out of alignment for many years. I was like a Picasso painting. I'm just now starting to feel like I'm in sync with what I want to do, who I want to be, and the future I want for myself.

I want to learn how to play the piano. I want to learn French and Spanish. I want to write a novel. There are so many things I want to do, but my first priority is to build a stable foundation for myself so that I can rest. So that I can have a rhythm. So that I can have a routine.

I honestly believe with an improved relationship with myself that I can have better relationships with others. I will care more about those around me, and I can do more to help them with their burdens. Developing structure for myself allows me the strength to handle resources outside of myself. The more compassion I give to myself, the more I can give to others.

The Changes I Want to See

If I had all the money in the world, I would give to charities and organizations that work to combat Alzheimer's and other neurodegenerative diseases. I honestly believe there will be a medical renaissance in the near future, and many of the diseases that stand in our way will no longer be a threat.

I also want to donate money to causes that protect wildlife. I want to help endangered species survive. I want to help both flora and fauna. I want to help promote conservation. I believe there is purpose in preserving the natural beauty of this planet.

These are some of my biggest dreams. I've laid my heart here for you to see. I honestly believe if I want to put a serious dent in the monster that is Alzheimer's then I first must embrace a life with rest in the foreground. I don't want others to watch their parent suffer from memory loss.