I Am Moving Away

Let me introduce myself; I'm Madlyn, a single mom and premenopausal woman who has entered her late 50s, which is super fun. My kids have flown the nest and basically forgotten about me, but not in a way I feel sad about, but more in a way that they are so busy with all of the pressure of modern day and little children, so I understand it.

Either way, I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I am ready to do something selfish in an Eat, Pray, Love Julia Roberts early midlife crisis kind of way, but hopefully just as, if not more, liberating. I think for most women's midlife crises, it’s expected for us to have a mental breakdown and just offload and scream at everyone. While the typical man is buying an expensive old car, leaving his wife for a teenager, and maybe getting a bad hair transplant. The thing is with my midlife crisis, if that’s what I’m going to call it, is that I have no anger that I’m aware of; what I think I do have now at my age is loneliness… and not in a feel-sorry-for-me way, but I think we are all relatively lonely.

Even during my brief ‘happy’ marriage, I felt lonely, unseen, unheard and in a way a suppressed version of my naturally unpleasant self. I think I am pretty self-aware, and I know when I’m doing stuff as a people pleaser, and that’s something I hated about myself when I was a child. It feels like a submission to someone else, so I was an outspoken, expressive 20-year-old who did rub people the wrong way, but when it comes to devoting your love to someone, you can’t react like that all the time, especially when you married a man, baby, who had a soft-spoken mummy.

I do think it taught me not to go overboard with my personality change in my 20s, because I have learnt patience and not to get angry over pathetic things, which I learnt from my mother… awkward. I mean, we all learn crappy traits from our parents, and while I tried to avoid it during my teens, I really did become my mother's daughter. Overall, I think I have been softened over the years, and I don’t see it as a bad thing at all; however, during the moments I wanted to be angry, I couldn’t really be, which was my point with my partner.

I think this has all led to a point for a reason, not for me to explore my personality without adjusting it to kids, my ex or my family and understanding who I have transformed into.

So you might be thinking, Why am I starting this story? Well, it’s because writing helps me think more clearly, but I also want to connect with myself now. After 50 years, I think I deserve to dedicate the rest of my life to me, myself and I. No more disturbing of my sacred peace circle; none shall enter until I deem it safe to do so.

Anyway, so my journey has begun from my little home in Britain to, who knows, maybe the south of France or Italy. I’ve always wanted to become a British citizen who knows Italian or French and has long summers there, riding my bike to the local shop and conversing with the shopkeeper on our day. Creating small meaningful connections as part of a community, and not what the UK kind of feels like now—everyone is for themselves.

This is just an introduction to MY story!