Healed

This come back is personal! It really is an apology to myself in a way and it is so weird coming back to live life again to the fullest after taking a 3 year break, not going to lie. But here’s the truth, I let life absolutely break me and destroy me, so I didn’t intentionally want to take that long of a pause from life. It just literally made me get diagnosed with 3 different types of health conditions that I’m going to have to live with for the rest of my life. Therefore I lost everything else, not only myself. So I just gave up. I didn’t want to exist for years. And I let myself get to the lowest point of my life, which I have always feared.

At first I didn’t like the thought of existing without fake or more like toxic love and friends. Back then, I was not aware of this, and only tried to see the good in everybody whilst always taking full responsibility and all the blame that came with it. I then slowly started losing all of the people and even things, I thought I'd always have. Because I didn’t actually realise nor wanted to acknowledge how toxic all that was for me. But you will realise eventually that what isn't meant for you, will never be truly yours. Nothing and nobody who isn't meant for you will ever remain in our lives for long. And it was so painful, I never understood why it was always me, all of these bad things had to happen to. I was always someone so honest, loving, caring and trustworthy in any type of relationship I had, so I could just not stop questioning myself. For years. It turned to the point where I started hating myself and everything else around me also. I only liked my bed and had a good reason to stay in it as I really did make myself both physically and mentally ill, to that point. Unconsciously though! I was way too occupied focusing on having a clear understanding on why all these bad things had to happen to me, and then try fixing them somehow by always coming up with some sort of solution but sometimes even with some delusional ideas. I was focused so much on my health and by that I mean, way too focused on figuring out why I was, the way I was feeling physically and even doing everything in my power to get myself diagnosed. So I did! But with all that energy, I unintentionally managed to keep making myself even more ill and so my condition worsened. And at that point, I thought that was the best thing to do, to try and heal. Just by finding all the answers to my questions. Have I known, that us focusing so much on the bad, you only manage to bring more negative things into your life, I never would have done things the way I did back then. Because it literally just made things worse.

But no, there are no regrets in my vocabulary, only mistakes I made that I finally can say I’ve learned so much from. To the point where I can’t even recognise myself anymore. But it’s a good thing, right? It can only be that! There are so many significant signs, I’ve received from the universe to finally realise, life isn’t actually hard to live nor is it empty or bad without some things we once thought, we’d have forever. But we actually tend to lose things on purpose, because everything always happens the exact way it should. Things might not seem perfect and that’s because nothing and no one is. Because perfection doesn’t even exist in life. And we tend to waste years on trying to become someone who’s perfect, especially for others. But I have sacrificed and suffered so much these past years, I know, I should be deserving better. Even if that thing can’t be perfect. Right? Everyone else says the same to people going through similar things as I had to go through, like: “Oh honey, you deserve better!” -Well, of course I know that I do deserve the good things in life but then why am I so scared some days to have them? Why does everything seem so hard at times? It’s actually so easy but then your mental health problems, like anxiety can make you overthink about every little thing sometimes.

So here’s my answer to all my questions: -It is only ME who’s made myself sacrifice so much of what I had and only ME who made myself suffer, for years. Nobody else told me to do so. They’ve only reminded me of who I truly am by leaving and making me be miserable, at first. For a while, I have also blamed others for the sacrifices I had to make and for my suffering, mistakes and loss because of how loving of a friend and girlfriend I always was but that’s just a natural thing people do, when they’re hurting. Right?! I have always been one to take full responsibility but I definitely was never the one leaving others sooner just for my sake, and my happiness. I thought, if I stayed and fixed everything, things would be perfect and people I cared about, would stay forever. But sometimes we got to just do that, and leave for good. To then feel so lonely, until you finally become comfortable with that feeling of loneliness. Now, that’s when you really get to have “a moment” with yourself to learn and realise all the things. To learn about every single thing, you’ve ever lived through. Pain, discomfort, depression, disappointment, never feeling good enough, not even to yourself…and so on. I’m still quite confused at days and do have bad moods or moments throughout the day sometimes but as long as I don’t overthink nor overreact, and am okay with the fact that at the end, all is going to be alright, then I’m good!

I don’t and never actually cared about what other people think nor thought of me. I just thought I did. Although I could not always accept myself for ME. Because I’ve always seen myself as someone so nice, generous, respectful, strong and unique but then I let my past mistakes ruin that future life, I didn’t actually have for 3 long years. And by that, I mean ME. I let me, ruin me and that is how I've became ill. Just because I couldn’t accept failure and loss, therefore I couldn’t accept anything else for years, including positivity or love. True love, some people have tried to offer. I just did not want any of that nor did I want to exist anymore. Even my own house at some days, felt like a prison. It’s funny actually, because most people will question this and even say.: ”Well you should live in a home where you feel safe and loved!” and not somewhere, where it feels like a prison.. -but here’s the catch! No matter how safe and loved you are by others, when you are not okay within yourself. It/life will always feel like a torture, until you realise that the only one that’s longing for acceptance, is you from your own self and not actually from others! So it is time, I start doing just that. I never actually been the one having friends or boyfriends in my life for too long but I finally know that “why”, and that is because I thought, I’ve always longed for that acceptance and love of other people but deep down it was myself who never loved nor accepted myself, therefore I lost or pushed away others...-Which I know, isn’t fair on everyone! But that’s okay, because if I didn’t, then I wouldn’t of been able to heal to this point nor would I have been able to find or accept my true self, I've always longed for. And they moved on too with their lives, right? So why can’t I do the same? I definitely feel responsible for all this and for not realising, who I truly am sooner. But then, I try my best to just surrender to my own ego and accept the fact that everything had to happen exactly the way it did, for me! And for so long, I only just wasted thousands of thoughts on “-What could have been, if I done this, or didn’t do that.”

Well, I finally realised so many things but the main thing was that I never actually got the chance to live for myself. That is why, my life never really felt fulfilled nor good enough. Even when I had everything, I no longer do and everyone I thought were good for me once. Have I tried all the things I love doing whenever I’m brave enough to do so? Perhaps I did. But, there’s definitely more, I know I would like doing if I gave myself more courage and the opportunity to try! I just always let fear and excuses take all over me and decided to live for others instead. I only allowed myself to be happy, when I managed to make others happy and fulfilled. Yeah, I was one of those nice people, that were definitely always selfless instead of being selfish. But because that’s not the way it should work, that’s also why, -although I know, I’m nice but still lost all those battles over the years.

So there is actually not many people who really do know me but most of them who does, have never left my side! And for that, I’m forever grateful. But of course, so many did not even have the opportunity to get to know the real me. Only, because I was too focused on making them happy and even more focused on making sure that I’m loved and accepted by everyone else as well. I thought that’s what true happiness comes from. But no! I will not let myself think that, that is the way happiness works, for one more second. Some people can but I personally can’t! It will really only destroy me, instead of making me be my real self or happy, in any way possible. Eventually it will get better because things will start to make more sense. The more alone and lonely you become, the more you can use all that time, to be able to focus only on yourself and finally start doing the things that will only make you happy. But first, there has to be a time when we all or if not all but most of us, come to self realisation. You then have to turn every single bad/negative experiences you had in the past, into something positive and good. Can ask yourself questions first, like.: -“Why did this had to happen to me, and only me?” and if you won’t have an absolute, clear and open mind and understanding about that past situation, then it will be hard to surrender to your self and especially harder to forgive and love yourself. Because first, you have to actually be brutally honest with yourself. But everything will start within you, so we all got to have acceptance and love and lots of care and respect for ourselves first, before trying to give the same for others. -Oh and that strong belief, and motivation within yourself is also very important to have. Without these important things, it will definitely be hard to move on to the next level in life.

For me, this is the process of healing. -Well, this is only part of it. I’ve learned how to mind my own business when I was a kid and never understood people who were so judgemental about others in front of me. Always questioned myself..: -“Why can’t they keep all this to themselves, why gossip about others when they’re probably not much different than them?!” ,and when you really understand the question, you’ll also get your answer. That’s because they are the exact same, if not worse and some people will never agree with that. Those people don’t love themselves though! That, I know. Because what is love, without self awareness and self acceptance? So first, we also all got to mind our own business, if we really do want to heal and be the best version of ourselves to then be able to accept others, love them, care for them, respect and appreciate them. But that’s never going to work out, if you aren’t really okay with you first. You won’t be your best version then. So now, I know exactly that coincidence doesn’t exist. Everything had to happen, exactly the way it did, for me to be able to finally heal and be my true and best self by realising it all starts within me. Self awareness, acceptance and self love, we all got to have to be able to survive. And guess what, it isn't selfish to have all these, it is required. For our own good.

-My lord, this past 3 year has been so lonely, it ended up making me want to live now, more than ever. And for the first time, I’m doing this for me and not others because I’ve finally learned, that we all need to be "selfish" first, to be able to be selfless towards others! It might not make sense, but if you like, you could try out this technique to see whether you really do love and accept yourself and aren’t doing self sabotage for years, like I have done. -It really was just a vicious circle I felt like as though, it will never stop. So I started questioning myself about this also..:-“Why can’t bad things and this vicious circle finally come to an end?” -I had so many years thinking about this one question and I guess, I was only brave enough to blame it all on my physical and mental health issues but I never actually had a really deep physiological understanding about it all. But now I do. And this answer was a long one, for sure.

First of all..:-“Have I really focused on actually getting better and only being myself whilst doing what I love?” -My answer was a definite no. Never really. But then you also need to know this, you can not blame others for your failures, bad experiences nor bad days. You have to take on full responsibility to be able to understand, then make this work for yourself. To then start finding genuine people, genuine friends, genuine love. -You will never get any of these things, if you keep looking for them, that is for sure. You will however, get everything that's meant to be yours in life, if you just relax, let things go and flow. Once you finally only focus on yourself, and your goals, everything and everyone meant for you will find its way to you. Trust me, and trust the process. We have to have so many other things for truly healing and living the fulfilled life we always wished for, like hope, even on the darkest days. We have to learn to be grateful, for even the smallest things we have got in our lives! Without grace, it won't work. Because negative things and even thoughts will only attract negativity into your life. So we have got to get rid of all the fear, all the toxicity!

-I never actually thought, I would make it to here, to this point in life. But here I am. Finally passed through the storm. The storm, I thought I'd never be able to survive. Although I have, because I was able to let go of everything, that wasn't ever for me, really. Therefore, I was able to find peace, even after the worst storm, I have ever experienced. Now, I know exactly what my goals are in life, and know for definite, the things I want. Here I am now, still healing, writing this little story because writing is also, what makes me happy but first reading it, analysing it, over and over before sharing it with the world. Ultimately, I know I can do this life experience and I know I shouldn't always be so hard on myself for sure. Because there is no such thing as perfection. So why not just try, and make most of it? -I certainly will, so I hope you will too! And I hope my story will help you, as much as it helped me heal whilst writing it.