Growing Up Straight and Catholic

Greetings All!

In an attempt to talk a bit more about myself, I thought to start posting a few journals about my life. Normally I would be extremely hesitant to do this as I've said before I am a pretty private person in real life and don't talk much about myself at all. There are very few people who know me and who also know everything about me and that's mostly by my choice, since this is the internet though and I am posting under a name I thought maybe it was time to share a few things. Again almost no one I know IRL even knows I write or what my name on the internet is (I think there are only about 3 people who know my internet name) so I am still a bit removed from what I post here. I guess another reason I wanted to post about some events in my life is honestly because I don't really talk about them with people. I guess a part of me maybe wants to talk about some of these things but it's always a bit hard talking about them with people you know, cause you're worried about what they might think. I had actually meant to post this one during June in pride month as while I'm not gay or Bi, I had wanted to post my perspective (as a straight person) on what I was told growing up about gay people, and how I came to change my mind on that issue. Also while I have an idea of what I want to talk about in this journal entry I also am kind of writing it as I feel it, so I apologize if it feels a little incoherent.

I guess to start with let me say I am a straight Latino guy (if you didn't already know that or were curious) and I was raised in a Catholic family. I actually did go to a private school that had a dress code like the one Anne goes to. (which is why I know there's no way they would ever let Luz where her leggings as part of the uniform) and went to Church every Sunday. Now I know recently the church has tried to "have it both ways" in regards to gay people but let me tell you that growing up at least I was ALWAYS taught that gay people were sinners by priests, nuns, and teachers. So when I see now that the church is trying to "backpedal" that issue it already disgusts me because I know what I was taught and now you want to try and say "No that isn't what we said" so let me just say to all you young Catholics out there that whatever the church may be trying to say now, just know that it wasn't what they said back then.

I guess while we're on the subject let me talk a bit about the real life Ms. Bryant. Yes, she was a teacher at my school, if I were to use her real title it would be sister Bryant, I almost thought about doing that, but decided not to. While I never personally witnessed her go off on a gay person she was rather infamous in the school for a certain habit she had. I swear to you I'm not making this up, what she would do is go around the school with a ruler (perhaps one she used to use when it was still okay to hit people with) and she would measure the length of the girls skirts. If they were even an inch too short she'd write them up for a uniform violation fine or in some more extreme cases march them to the office and make them change into a skirt of appropriate length (she would keep extra stores of them in her office). I never had any real personal interaction with her, but needless to say almost none of the students liked her. So I don't think my characterization of her in my fanfic was too far a stretch.

I had religious classes in school growing up and we were explicitly told on more than one occasion that homosexuality was a sin. In addition to all the other sins Catholics are famous for (sex outside of marriage, abortion, etc.) Oh and to really hammer in the whole "abortion is a sin" they made us watch a video of a "live abortion" happening (it was supposedly the view of the baby while it was happening, because yeah...that's not propaganda at all...). I bring up the abortion stuff because of recent events happening in the U.S. as that's another sour point I have about the church. But all in all you can see that's the kind of viewpoints I was given growing up and for a time the ones that made up my worldview. I should also say that the time period I grew up in was not very LGBT-friendly. There were all kinds of jokes made at gay people's expense and getting made fun of or bullied for being gay was a very real thing that happened to people at my school. People were always quick to deny accusations of being gay, and there was never any positive representation in media like we have today. Side note, that's exactly why shows like Owl House and Kipo are SO IMPORTANT! We need to teach kids that being gay is okay, We need them to know it's normal and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

I had a group of friends growing up and as it turns out one of them was gay. I'm glad I didn't know at the time as I probably would have reacted negatively to that. I didn't find out until years later and as I write this I hope she's doing okay. She was a really fun person who had an amazing heart so I hope wherever she is she's doing well.

In addition to the church, there was also my dad...my dad is a VERY complicated subject that is probably better left for another entry. Suffice to say he was the kind of person who would likely have reacted VERY negatively if I was gay. I know this because of something my mom told me much later in life (at the time I didn't know it, and my mom wouldn't tell me until after she and my dad were divorced) but apparently, he was...worried I might be gay. I assume he was "worried" because I didn't show an interest in "guy" things when I was younger. I had an interest in theater, singing, and dance as well as in writing poetry, and just writing in general. I wasn't into sports like at all, nor did I really have an interest in traditional "Latino" things (cars, beer, etc.) In addition to all that I didn't really have much luck with dating in high school (I guess in that way it's a bit "heartwarming" that my dad thought the reason I had no luck with girls was because I was gay and not a loser).

Anyway looking back it does explain certain actions my dad took around that time. One such action was to invite me to hang out with him and his friends after he played gold. Despite me still being a teen he let me have a beer with them (and this is how I discovered I didn't like beer) and just shot the breeze with them. At the time I didn't think much of it and it was an opportunity to hang with my dad so I actually enjoyed it at the time. I also remember one of his friends who once told a rather interesting story about how he was making out with a woman who turned out to be transsexual, and how after he found out he quickly beat her up...and of course, my dad and all his friends thought he was in the right and that the women had "tricked" him and deserved it. And if I'm being 100% honest my teenage self also agreed with him....sorry

Well, life goes on and eventually, I went off to college and this is where my views on homosexuality and other things began to change. The thing is because religion had been so drilled into me when I was young I still went to church in my early 20's. I even made sure to still give them money, I even did my best to follow all the rules and such. But slowly that started to change. There were three big factors for that change so let me tell you about them.

The first was my cousin. I didn't see much of my extended family growing up but she was one of my cool cousins who I always got along well with. She was the kind of person who didn't care what others thought of her and she just had an ability it seemed to naturally bond with people. Right now she's one of the only extended family members I still keep in contact with (I don't really speak to the rest of my family, which is another topic for another time) but she was always cool and I was always close to her. But I found out that she was gay, and...well I remember feeling conflicted about that, not really knowing how to feel and even wondering if I should stop being in contact with her. Again my dad certainly had an opinion on that as she would eventually come out to her parents and after that the whole extended family found out. Her mom (my mom's sister and a very staunch Catholic) was not happy and would eventually disown her, her dad was cool with it though. Once it became public knowledge she was gay my dad suggested I stop associating with her, partly for that, but also he seemed to think she was a "bad influence" on me. At the time I was really confused, but I still saw her at family gatherings and we still remained close. I eventually decided it didn't matter and we kept in contact. In the present day, she and my mom are pretty close too and I'm glad we still keep in contact and see each other.

The next was a professor I had in college who was also gay. She was also one of the nicest people you'll ever meet and one who I really respected. It was meeting her that made me really start to question if everything I had been told about gay people growing up was true. She was a great professor and one who was almost like a second mother to me (during college my mother and I were going through a bit of a rough patch in our relationship, wow I just realized....there is a lot I'm talking about in this entry that I might have to elaborate on in a future entry...if I feel like it...sigh...) so yeah getting to know this professor made me really start to wonder if "gay people were really sinners" and I was slowly starting to see that this wasn't true.

The final straw for me was some sort of proposition on the voting ballot. I can't remember exactly what it was (I think it was called Prop 8) about whether or not gay marriage would be legalized in CA. There were more than a few news stories running at the time about how the Catholic Church was donating money (sorry can't remember if the prop was for or against gay marriage, it was a long time ago) but they were doing their best to make sure gay marriage wasn't legalized. And for me, that was the final straw. At that moment I knew I no longer wanted to be a Catholic and I no longer wanted to support what they stood for, and most importantly I knew I didn't want to give them any of my hard earned money anymore (yes I was still giving the church money as a struggling college student) I haven't looked back since, and well I think I can say that in the present I am glad that my younger self had the integrity to realize this.

So that's the story of how this straight, Latino guy went from being a Catholic to an atheist and gay ally. Sorry if it didn't sound that compelling in this journal entry, but it's honestly a story I've never really told anyone. Well my brother knows, but really that's about it. I guess part of the reason I made this journal entry was to tell that story. It's a bit weird to think back on that time and realize how different things were. But it's also good to know that things have changed. For all that's wrong in the world I am glad that shows like Owl House and Kipo exist to give young kids some positive representation these days.

I guess that wraps up this story. Let me know what you think and if you'd like me to do another entry of my life. I want to try and talk about things from my past, and yeah I feel it's a bit easier to do so through this veil.

Thanks for listening, I hope I continue to impress you!