Glimmers

My life has given me tiny glimmers of gold to hold onto and carry into the darkest places I would need to go on my journey. I think I was 4 when I was blown away by the idea that somewhere in this great big world existed someone that I would meet one day, quite out of the blue perhaps, and have a love so true and unconditional unlike anything I’d know before I found it. Life presented it to me with a song in a movie about a cartoon mouse looking to be reunited with his family (An American Tail), but I clung to that idea of unconditional love in the deepest core of my being and would hold my breath every time I heard “somewhere out there, if love can see us through, then we’ll be together somewhere out there, out where dreams come true” (“Somewhere Out There,” sung by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram) played on the radio. I loved the idea that such a love might exist and also the idea of dreams coming true. I’ve always been one who easily gets lost in dreams.

The life I lived didn’t show me much love in my experiences. Instead I clung to this song, always searching for the love that was meant for me. In the early years, radio would hand it my way from time to time but as the means of listening to music have changed through time, it would fade away until I would usually only hear it if I slipped it into a playlist. I started one such “Sappy Shit” playlist back in 2021(ish) at a time post-divorce where I started thinking maybe I was about ready to open myself up to the possibilities of love in my own life. Yet again I’d exited one relationship (this one of my own volition, the one prior I accidentally initiated when the Universe determined it was time for me to move on one way or another) just for my previous partners to end up married within 9 months of our breaking up, the first one leaving me feeling like nothing, the second leaving me relieved that he was no longer my problem. I started listening to Abraham Hicks’ talk about, if you are at least ready to be ready to be ready, the Universe will help you line up with the relationship you have been putting into your vortex from all the times you put something you did want in a relationship into the vortex by discovering the things you didn’t want in a relationship. “If you know what you don’t want, you know what you do want.” There was one interesting thought I had (person-wise) and I commented to a friend of the time that I should manifest a relationship with, but she was less than supportive and I figured it probably was a silly idea. Then it was as though the Universe slammed the door on me being open to relationships at that idea altogether. Like it had determined for me “fine, if you aren’t ready to ask for the lofty things, we’re slamming the door on all of it altogether, we aren’t doing any more of the wasting time garbage;” and so my love life seemed off limits altogether for a couple years. It seemed in many ways I was stagnating. I occasionally would write and did publish a few short works on Vocal Media as I tried to get use to the idea of putting my voice out there, but writing was not easy at that time either, it seemed.

A few months ago, it was like the Universe was trying to warm me up to the idea again, and I started having a sense of “Somewhere Out There” playing somewhere in the back of my thoughts. Then I started getting repeated nudges from the Universe to start writing—even if just 20 minutes a day… it’s a least a routine practice and eventually the small steps mount up into one big thing finally being done, so I did. Even if it was only journaling that got done any one day in particular; something was better than nothing. Then one night my mom wanted to watch a new movie that had come out earlier in the year called Love Again. At the closing credits, the Celine Dion song of the same name played and the line “you don’t have to move a mountain, just keep moving” grabbed hold of my attention. I found myself absorbing the song at a very deep level and settled in allowing the lines “and you don't have to find the answer, just keep trying—The sun will rise again, the storms subside again, This is not the end—And you will love again” to take hold at a soul level. Suddenly I found myself reactivated as I had started to be a couple years earlier. I started my days off with Abraham Hicks’ love rampages once again and it took about 3 days for the line to register that “if you aren’t ready for what you are asking for, you will call in the experiences to line you up with what you are asking for.” I found myself ready to turn my whole love life and career life over to the Universe as I realized I’ve tried all these other approaches doing things my way over the years and nothing ever panned out, how about I just let the Universe take lead on this one? Suddenly, everything started picking up momentum and I found myself on a wild ride that had been hinted at previously but that I kept overlooking when anything prompted me to disagree with the magic I always knew was out there and waiting for me, but lost when I’d become disillusioned in any way. I started beginning every day with rampages, love or otherwise, and then would lie in bed listening to my playlist until I felt like I was in a really solidly good mood, before trying to do anything else. Some days I’d be in such a good mood that it almost felt intoxicating even though I haven’t had any alcohol in several years.

Soon after I committed it over to the Universe, I found myself led to a “who” on the love end. When I found myself briefly having a “yeah right” moment, I found myself realizing that the elements I’d started lining up with a couple years prior seemed relevant once again except this time I was going to take the “who” and just treasure it in my heart for some time to not let anyone talk me out of it this time around. I found some hints as to his being about ready to find his person as dropped on social media—even if they were partly buried in other posts like he was slipping it out into the ethers if there was really anything out there to speak to. I realized that he was the person I’d been looking for since a reminder at 4 years old first lined me up with the path I’d always known deep down that I was on. I’d started looking into the idea of twin flames a couple years earlier, even paid for a program to learn more about them, meditations to clear energy between them, and potentially line up with my own, if such a thing actually existed. Suddenly I was seeing all these times in my own past where I had had experiences with people that shared his name and it was as though the Universe was whispering his name to me all throughout my life, at least once resulting in me and a classmate looking at each other like the other person was crazy because I heard his name whispered and no one in the visible realm was whispering it to me—my looking at him crazy resulted in him looking back at me like I was even crazier… or the time I flirted with the boyfriend of a friend (not close friend but I still felt bad about it later) who had the same name even, or the friend from undergrad whose husband had the same name and I frequently found myself thinking “what is it about that name???” I also started to make other connections that lined up seemingly well. All this and never having met the guy.

When I started questioning again, the Universe pointed me to interviews that popped up to show me that we definitely had some inclinations to similar beliefs and I found myself disappearing down a rabbit hole wondering how this was my life now. Since I’d been given supporting evidence of this information I’d felt I’d been presented with, I leaned in a little more. I watched multiple tarot readings online that all came up with the same result—what you have been looking for is soooo close. It is right around the corner for you! When I started feeling like I was borderline obsessing about this person, I watched one reading (that had appeared almost urgently demanding my attention) where the reader (White Feather Tarot) said “You’re worried it feels obsessive, but your guides are saying it isn’t, it has to be like this, and just go with it for now,” so I leaned in and realized I needed the seemingly obsessive points to help me line up to the high flying disk that Abraham always speaks of because you have to be in alignment with the high flying disk. You don’t one day make it to the high flying disk if you can’t line up with the feeling of it and you have to feel it in your bones to line up fully. So I got motivated to lean more fully in, suddenly I could see big pieces of our future as though they were playing out on a movie screen in front of me. Then I took my niece to the zoo with my mom and my aunt and had this very real sense of him being right beside me, even with his arm around me at various points during the day. It was very surreal, and I loved it. Even the animals seemed to be cheering me on. At one point when we approached the exhibit with the tigers, one tigress was staring directly at me as though she had a message. I got an amazing shot of her staring at me before she approached the glass and paced back and forth while staring at me all the while.

I dove in with embracing my athleticism as I’d decided to do when I turned 40—because if I was going to play roller derby at all—it was about time I embraced myself as an athlete and stopped making fun of me for it. Suddenly I found myself with this intense desire to skate at a local school and while there I started playing out these scenarios about our first interactions. Then I found myself realizing that the friends I always saw in this 3rd knowing I’d had at 18 years of age were people he spends a lot of time with now, and they too will be important in my life very soon. I used to think it was a reflection to the friends I had back at the time I came to see it but suddenly I was seeing it very differently, and it was like the scenarios were lining up for me to one day catch on to. Suddenly I was having lengthy conversations with all of my friends that I’d yet to meet. The first time I went skating with my roller derby friends at a practice afterwards, it was as though I was simultaneously living 2 existences. The physical where I was surrounded by people skating together, and this upper level where people were laughing and joking together and no one except me was aware of them, and I was sad because I desperately wanted to be with them now that I finally knew who they were and realized what I had been seeing for all these years. I started skating more and more on my own because I loved being able to be in that space. Another thing Abraham says often is if you get to where you line up with the high flying disk, you take the events from being “miracles” and thus unattainable, and then they fall in line with the next logical step and then they have no other choice but to come true.

I’ve done well to get myself in the higher frequency place, although I may have several good days and then a couple where I cannot get boosted back up into the higher frequency and I have had to realize that I have had to accept those as necessary days too. There’s still purging to be done from the old beliefs and feelings and way of being, and from what I can tell—the twins do take on one anothers’ baggage energetically to help purge the stuff that needs to go. I don’t love those days and struggle to remind myself to be gentle with me even then, but they don’t mean what I believe is right around the corner won’t happen. They are simply reminders to start every day strong and don’t resist what the Universe has to show me or tell me from them. And always, always, just keep moving. I’ve been shown that things are moving all across the board, every now and then the Universe will show me a glimpse where his eyes have softened and he’s carrying less of a burden than he seemed to be previously, and there have been times I haven’t been able to look away from his picture. Rumi says “Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere; they are in each other all along.” Obviously we aren’t together right this second, but I know we are closer than we’ve ever been and all I can do is keep moving forward and following the synchronicities and the signs leading me to where they lead. Sister Hazel says “follow your heart— it’ll lead you to me.” I’ve made huge jumps already—in preparation to give him some way to find me too, I was led to do an Instagram live—it was terrible and I cried immediately after and have since deleted it, but it broke the ice on my ability to do it. Then I made a couple YouTube videos that I’m okay if no one watches them ever—but then they started growing on me because I finally was able to feel like I am finally claiming my truth and using my voice. Relief! I’ve always known that was one of my biggest missions, and here we are—finally moving on it.

A couple months ago I started to believe I was ready to be ready to be ready again. Now I feel I am definitely ready, but of course the whole path has had many 2 steps forward- 1 step back days and in the end, only divine timing will reveal when it’s really ready to happen. Holding space is also an important key on the journey as there are delays in time for things in the 5D level to show up in the physical spaces as well. “I know only time can heal scars, so I’m ready when you are…Don’t want any false starts, I can do without the time apart, so I’m ready when you are—when you are—ready when you are” (Trapt, “Ready When You Are”).