Decoding the Subtlety of the Art of "Not Giving a Damn"

I have heard the name of The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck since around 2019, when the original English version took the foreign language book market by storm and sold more than 8 million copies around the world. There were 2 things that surprised me about this book at that time: 1- Could they really allow the word F*ck to appear on the cover of a paper book? (Interesting), and 2- It turns out people pay attention to so many things. (Otherwise, a book about how to worry less wouldn't have received so much attention.)

Anyone who reads this title will have a certain idea of its content. At that time, my vision was that I didn't need to read this book. For me, ignoring other people's opinions and learning to say no is one of the most basic methods to take care of my mental health that I have known for a long time. But (fortunately) humans are unstable and insecure creatures. As I got older and faced many difficult decisions in life, I decided I had to (re)learn the art of not giving a damn.

Spoiler warning: After reading the Vietnamese translation of this book, I have to confess that the book doesn't really say anything I didn't already know about "not" caring and focusing on yourself and your values. Being positive I think is important.

But the plot twist is, it turns out that The Subtle Art of "Not Giving a Fuck" that Mark Manson talks about doesn't just stop at the aspect of changing thinking and self-development like a regular self-help book. It turns out that there is a simple thought behind it: “Just worry less.” are lessons related to the great spiritual values of human spiritual life, things that can give you a new perspective on the values and outlook on life that you have always been certain of.

In this article, I will share with you the 3 most interesting things I learned after reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. These lessons will be more about the emotional aspects that underpin the book's arguments and less about the How-to steps that help change thinking (Because as mentioned above, these This does not bring many new perspectives for me personally during the reading process). If you are expecting a summary or close review of the book, I must say in advance that I will not provide you with that.

But don't worry if this article doesn't meet your expectations. Because you know, the point of the whole book is: I don't care.

LESSON NO. 1: HAPPINESS COMES FROM PAIN

Let's break down each concept of this statement. First, what do you mean when we talk about pain (whether physical or emotional)?

Whatever words are coming to mind, they are probably not the words Mark Manson would choose: They are “protect” and “necessary.”

The author explains: Pain, in any form, is the most effective means of motivating action for our bodies. Just take an extremely simple example like you tripping. Although the pain in that poor stubbed toe causes a terrible feeling, it will create a feedback mechanism to the brain so that you are forced to remember and establish a self-defense mechanism: Walk right. Look ahead and look back, avoid anywhere that could cause you to trip so you don't get hurt again. Similarly, emotional pain is also a warning that something is out of balance, a limit you need to overcome. For example, the pain of rejection or failure teaches us how to avoid making similar mistakes in the future.

This is “a feedback mechanism that helps us sense the balance of our body – where we can and cannot go and what we can and cannot touch. When we exceed this limit, our nervous system will punish us appropriately, ensuring that we pay attention and never make that mistake again.”

Therefore, avoiding pain is not always right, because pain is often the vital factor for our existence.”

From here, let's go to the next question: What do you think is happiness?

From the observation that pain is inevitable and it would be useless, even disadvantageous for people, if we continuously run away from difficulties in life, Mark Manson said: Happiness is not synonymous with wealth, success, or especially the feeling of peace and carefreeness. Mark Manson's definition of happiness in this book is: It is not an emotional state. Because similar to pain, happiness and other emotions are simply biological signs designed to nudge you in the direction of beneficial change.

Happiness actually exists in the form of action, more specifically, action to solve problems in life: Eat delicious food when you are hungry, explore a new land to expand your mind, win. the video game you couldn't get over, improving your relationship with someone you used to quarrel with, finding a suitable job after a long period of unemployment... It's an ongoing process, because Solving problems is a continuous process - the solution to today's problem will likely be the source of the next problem tomorrow, and so on.

"The person who marries you is the person who always quarrels with you. The house you buy is the house you need to repair. Your dream job is the job you will sweat and cry for. Everything comes with proportional sacrifice - anything that makes us feel good will also make us feel bad. What we gain also goes with what we lose while creating negative experiences. We love the idea that some form of ultimate happiness can be achieved! We are excited by the idea that we can reduce all suffering mine forever.

But, we can't!"

Happiness only truly happens when you find problems you like and happily solve them.

Everyone likes good things. Everyone wants to live a carefree, happy and peaceful life, to be loved and satisfied in sex and relationships, to have a perfect appearance, to make a lot of money, to be loved and respected... Who want to be like that too! The question “What do you want to achieve in this life?” It's usually pointless, because everyone will probably choose the same predictable thing.

A correct question here, should be:

What pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to fight for to get what you want?”

You cannot predict how the other person will answer this question. It will completely determine the direction of your life, because happiness requires struggle. It grows from troubles. We only find a sense of satisfaction and meaning in life when we choose pain and effort to fight to achieve what you want. You can't win if you don't play. Your pain will determine your success.

My current job has a lower average salary than my previous job. The working environment is also not as creative and dynamic. When I saw that I agreed to start a job with a lower salary than I initially expected, my interviewer at that time asked me with a skeptical attitude: "Why did you choose this job?" So?"

The gist of my answer is: "I have tried working in many environments and in many different industries, including positions similar to this job. I realized that there is no place where I feel most comfortable and develop my best when I work in this industry. After talking with you, I understand all the minuses and downsides of the industry, but I think I like it enough to endure its sufferings.”

I was accepted. I passed the probationary process. I got promoted. And then I got a raise. Currently, I have a salary equal to the number I initially expected during the interview.

Actually, I didn't think much when I answered like that in the interview that day. At that time, I only had a very simple thought: I had to convince the interviewer that I was suitable and that I was willing to contribute to this job. Only now, when reading these lines in The Subtle Art of "Not Giving" a Care, can I partly explain the actual miracles that have happened in my life, since I Dare to accept the pain along with the happiness of doing the job you like.

LESSON NO. 2: “THE EMPEROR” CARE ABOUT THEM, BUT DON'T BLAME THEM

In the book, the author also listed some subtle points of the art of not caring. What I find most interesting here is that contrary to the impression of the phrase "don't care", Mark Manson's arguments emphasize the value of tolerance, empathy and truly caring for yourself. themselves and the people around them. (I have changed the order of points to better suit this article).

Subtle point #1: To not care about adversity, you first need to care about something more important than adversity. (How to be tolerant of others)

The author uses the example of an old lady who was scolding and slapping a supermarket cashier because he refused to accept her 30-cent coupon. Mark Manson offers a prediction as to why she was so persistent and made such a big deal of it just for 30 cents: Maybe all day long that old lady had nothing better to do than sit at home and cut Coupons. She is old and lonely. Her children are all ungrateful and never come to visit her. She hasn't done that in thirty years. She couldn't fart without having back pain for several days. Her pension is meager, and she will most likely die in diapers... That's why she cut those coupons! That's all she had. That was all she could worry about because there was nothing else to worry about.

This story is similar to negative comments on social networks. I have seen many comments criticizing, being sarcastic, and even arguing loudly online and I don't understand what they think when they leave such words on public platforms like Facebook and Instagram. Later, when I had direct contact with someone who often complained and criticized others online, I had the opportunity to confirm what Mark said. They are truly lost people and don't know what to do with their lives. Their work, social relationships, love... are all unremarkable. I listened to the stories they told and realized they felt lonely in the relationships they had. So they diligently post everything on social networks, to seek sympathy. People who often argue online are probably the same. Those arguments are the only times they feel like their opinions are being heard, no matter how useless and completely irrelevant the topic is to their lives.

The problem with people who hand out their concerns like free ice cream at a magical summer camp is that they don't have more worthy things to worry about.”

A completely new and awakening perspective for me. From being annoyed, I feel... pity for them - negative comments, one-sided assessments, bad stories that I see every day.

Subtle point #2: “Don't” care doesn't mean being indifferent, it means being comfortable with being indifferent. (How to be tolerant of yourself)

In the book, the author mentions the concept of the Hell Loop: You feel nervous when you have to face someone, you are tormented by anxiety and you start to wonder, “Why am I doing this?” so worried?” And now you get nervous because you're nervous. Similarly, you get angry for no reason at very silly and stupid things. Getting angry easily makes you even more upset. These mirrored negative emotions create a hellish cycle, trapping you in never-ending thoughts of self-blame.

“Calm down, my dear!”, Mark Manson quickly reassured, “Believe it or not, this is the good part of being human. There are very few animals in this world that have the ability to think, but only we humans can think about thoughts. Oh, that is the magic of consciousness!” Realizing this, you will initially learn how to "not" care about how bad you feel, because those feelings are completely normal and understandable. This hellish cycle will end the moment you accept negative emotions and allow yourself to freely feel things that any human being would easily feel.

Because in the end, there is no such thing as "don't" care in this world. You have to care about something. Always paying attention to something is part of our biological mechanism, so we get worried, insecure, angry, self-conscious... when thinking about one thing or another. The right question is: What should we care about? What do we choose to care about? And how can we "not" care about other meaningless things?

People who have mastered the art of “not giving a damn” are people who don't get stuck with difficulties or failures or embarrassing themselves or half-dead a few times; they are the people who laugh anyway and continue doing what they believe in, because they know it is the right thing. They will still be angry, self-conscious, depressed, broken, but they will choose to experience these emotions with friends, family, dreams, creative thinking or their personal development journey - things that have great meaning, people who are really important to them.

In other words, the art of not caring can be the art of living meaningfully.

LESSON NUMBER 3: WE WILL ALL DIE.

In the book The Denial of Death, which Mark Manson mentions in The Art of Not Giving a F*ck, psychologist Becker explains that we humans have two “selves”: the physical self and the physical self. awareness.

“We are all aware on some level that the physical self will eventually die, that death is inevitable and its inevitability – at a subconscious level - makes us afraid. Therefore, to compensate for a fear of this inevitable loss of the physical self, we try to build a conscious self that will live forever. That's why people work hard to get their names to appear on buildings, statues or book spines. That's why we force ourselves to spend more time with other people, especially our children, in the hope that our influence - our conscious self - will outlast our physical self. . That we will be remembered, revered, and admired long after our physical self no longer exists.”

In short, a person's life will sometimes be a journey of trying to create spiritual values that will last forever thanks to the conscious ego, because people know that the physical ego will often sooner or later die. lost.

Becker then came to a startling conclusion as he neared death: This thinking is essentially the problem, not the solution. The attempt to maintain a conscious self is the driving force behind religion, politics, sports and especially art, but it also causes war, revolution and genocide. The conscious ego of many people often conflicts with the aspirations for the conscious ego of many other people, or many other cultures. The art of not caring about anything will now be applied in a new, almost spiritual aspect: Accepting the finitude of each of us.

Reading this, I remembered an interview video of Billie Eilish that impressed me forever, when Billie was only 16 years old: "The truth is that one day I will die, the people around me will also die, and then There will come a time when no one will remember me - making me feel extremely happy. Imagine I could have done the best things in the world but then no one would remember it, then I would die and it would all mean nothing, then everyone who knew me would die and be gone. What is there to worry about? Or I can do the worst thing but there will come a time when no one will care about it anymore.”

But what made that interview even more special to me was when the interviewer - a more polite and experienced man - gently reassured Billie like this: “There are things that still makes sense. Love always has meaning. All we are trying to do is find meaning in the things that are right in front of us.”

They both agreed that the other person's opinion had a reasonable point. This is not a debate about life or philosophy. They are just discussing life - the limited human life of only a few decades, although short, it is still enough for us to find great things, for us to take time to appreciate those things. really meaningful.

Talking about death in the final chapter, in my opinion, is a great way to close a book about how to live better.

Feeling at peace with death - the deep, anxious fear that drives all frivolous ambitions in life - we can choose our values more freely, free from the quest for immortality. full of absurdities that hinder and free us from dangerous arbitrary views.”

Mark Manson skillfully recalls all the important points in this chapter: Life is a series of difficulties and pain that you cannot avoid (referring to death), instead of forcing yourself to overcome them. easy way, simply accept them and enjoy the joys you have in the limited time we have in life (meaning we can choose the values we cherish freely - you get to choose the pain you are willing to endure).

Epilogue

In the video "Why self-help books are overrated?", author Mark Manson himself said: There is nothing new in these books. The advice and arguments you read in self-help books, including The Art of Not Giving a F*ck, are things that have been discovered and shared thousands of years ago. The difference that makes it attract most readers lies in the way it conveys that knowledge. Modern self-help book authors like Mark know how to package them in an eye-catching cover, a sensational title, a succinct content, and an eloquent voice to attract readers who are looking for something to read. experiencing emotional difficulties feel awakened and motivated in an instant. That's why I can't help myself but just buy, buy and believe, then try to believe in them.

Mark points out that the current things that you or your friends feel and enjoy about this book will no longer be effective, because the nature of our lives only really changes when we start doing something, not Don't sit still and think about it. Indeed, after The Art of Not Giving a Fuck, I had almost no significant changes in my actions. In the video above, Mark suggests that a pretty optimal way to start taking action for change is to join his course. Haha smooth move, but no thanks. Perhaps at this point, cognitive and emotional changes are enough for me. I found the answers and reassurance I needed to dispel the insecurity and lack of consistency when I started the book.

Perhaps at another time, I will need to read this book again to find confirmation for another insecurity, need to learn about other lessons that I did not even realize the first time I read it. . That time could be tomorrow, it could be next year, it could be many years from now. But in general, it will all be a story for the future - something that I, at present, will not care about.