Dear Fam - I regret to inform you...

Subject: Formal Resignation from the Role of “Family Glue” (Effective Immediately)

Dear Hoovs Family,

Please consider this my official notice of resignation from the position of Chief Emotional Support Officer, Head of Household Logistics, Peacekeeper-in-Residence, Unofficial Family Butler, and Muber Mobile. Effective immediately.

After years of unpaid overtime, zero sick days, and exactly no HR to complain to, I’ve decided it’s time to prioritize my mental health, dignity, and ability to drink an entire cup of coffee while it's still hot.

Let me be crystal clear: I am not quitting the family (legally and biologically, I understand that's a bit trickier). I am quitting being the one who keeps it all together. I am retiring from the role of Saint Martyr of Domestic Harmony™. I will no longer be the go-to person for locating lost socks, soothing tantrums (child or adult), interpreting vague text messages (“Where are you?” with no context), or remembering birthdays that are not my own.

Let me break it down.

The Job Description I Never Applied For:

Apparently, at some point, I was voluntold into a role that includes:

Picking up towels that mysteriously melt into the floor like sad, damp snowflakes

Rewashing the laundry someone “forgot” in the machine for 3 days until it became a sour swamp of regret

Translating vague grunts, mumbling, or vague questions into full conversations (“Where’s the thing?” “What thing?” “THE THING”)

Knowing the difference between “hungry-crying” and “bored-crying” at 3AM

Absorbing emotional shrapnel during every family meltdown because I “handle things better”

I regret to inform you that this position no longer aligns with my personal goals, which now include:

Drinking hot beverages

Going to the bathroom without being followed

Saying “no” and not feeling guilty about it

Laughing in the face of passive-aggressive comments instead of internalizing them and stress-eating Oreo cookies in the pantry.

The Mental Load? Consider It Dropped.

You know that invisible to-do list that’s always running in my head like a pop-up ad I can’t close? The one that includes remembering to buy toilet paper, defrost the chicken, plan meals everyone will hate equally, schedule dentist appointments, and somehow still manage to appear “fine”? Yeah. That list has been deleted.

From now on, if it’s not in writing, it’s not happening. Sticky notes or silence. Those are your options.

The Peacekeeping Mission Is Over

I am no longer responsible for maintaining a serene household at the expense of my sanity. If there’s tension in the air, guess what? That’s your problem now. I will not step in wearing a referee uniform and throwing up yellow or red cards. I will not mediate. I will not nod sympathetically while someone vents about a crisis that was 100% avoidable. (I told you what would happen, you did it anyway, now we're here, and it's not my problem)

I am done being the human buffer between everyone else’s moods and reality. If chaos erupts, I will be in my room, noise-canceling headphones on, watching videos of people cooking elaborate meals for someone else that will actually enjoy them.

New Office Hours

Moving forward, I will be operating on a strict “Ask Yourself First” basis. Before directing any inquiries my way (“What’s for dinner?” “Where are my pants?” “Have you seen my will to live?”), please consult the internal search engine known as common sense.

Also, I will no longer be responding to “MOM!” or “MAMA!” shouted from another room like some kind of verbal Bat-Signal. If you need me, you may submit a formal request via sticky note on the fridge. Responses will be issued in 3-5 business days.

Emotional Labor? I’m Unionizing

If anyone needs support, comfort, or a shoulder to cry on, I suggest you rotate among yourselves. You are all fully capable of basic empathy and active listening. I believe in you.. Use your words.

Do not call me to settle arguments about whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher. Flip a coin. Draw straws. Host a Hunger Games if necessary. I’m out. (please re-read "The Peacekeeping Mission is Over" section above if further clarity is needed)

Going Forward

I will be prioritizing things that bring me joy. These may include:

Sleeping soundly with both eyes closed.

Starting a hobby that doesn’t involve anyone else’s bodily fluids.

Ignoring group texts until I’m emotionally prepared.

Reading a book without being interrupted by a “quick question” that takes 45 minutes and ends with someone crying.

If this causes disruption, confusion, or minor existential crises, that is unfortunate but no longer my responsibility.

I trust this will be a period of tremendous growth for you all. I encourage you to look within, reach for greatness, and for the love of all that is holy — pick up your damn shoes!

With all due love, zero guilt, and a newfound sense of boundaries,

Ellie Hoovs

Former Family CEO, Retired Fixer, and Proud Quitter

P.S. If anyone needs me, I’ll be doing absolutely nothing for the first time in years. Please don’t ruin it - your dad can open a pack of fruit snacks just as well as I can.