Dealing with Shock

Shock. You hear a lot about it, perhaps enough to desensitise you to the full import of what it is. It’s possible that we use it inappropriate senses, when really we mean ‘very surprised’: “when I heard of David Bowie’s death, I was in shock…” Most of us know that a person receiving bad or traumatic news may act in ways that we don’t understand, and some of us forgive those ways, or at least don’t take them at face value, because we are cognisant of the concept of shock. It’s something perhaps that we instinctively know the shape of without having personally ever experienced. It seems that shock to some extent may be a phenomenon that is necessarily a unique experience, being as it is the result of an individual’s response to stimuli (especially traumatic stimuli). This piece is part of my own response to shock, and my hope is twofold: that putting a random collection of my thoughts in writing will help me in the immediate aftermath, and that maybe something I say here will strike a chord with someone and provide a measure of solace or help to them in the wake of an undesirable event in their life.

I should say at the outset that I am not at liberty to give details of the event, as there are other parties involved, and there are as yet many unpredictable potential ramifications, so I will merely say that I am a parent, and the event isn’t a bereavement, but I should also point out that even if I had a free hand, I would be reluctant to divulge any further details, and this strikes me as a good place to start.

When I heard the news, I think I blanked out for a second. I know I was staring at the person who told me, but I became aware that I was, rather than making a conscious decision to be looking at them. The first feeling I remember clearly was a need to be elsewhere, anywhere, somewhere this wasn’t happening, or at least somewhere I could pretend it wasn’t. Due to the circumstances, this was not an option, and over the next 48 hours, I was compelled to talk, and think, about nothing else. (By nature, I am an introspective, self analytical person, and my instinct is not to seek help or talk about problems. I am unsure if the amount of talking I have had to do has helped or hindered, though I can certainly see that for some, talking about trauma would be absolutely central to their process.) Throughout those 48 hours, the urge to shut myself away on my own never once left me, and the thought of giving the details out when I don’t have to leaves me cold. To a degree, I am forcing myself to write even this, and will certainly think long and hard on it’s completion before I make it available to read.

Although I said this wasn’t the result of a bereavement, I have spotted some commonality. The night I was told, there were several things that needed immediate attention, conversations to be had in the room, and others on the phone. By the time all had been done, I was exhausted, and it was very late, yet when I lay down to sleep, I could not. This reminds me of the welter of arrangements and notifications and administration that occurs after the death of a loved one, where everything builds towards the funeral and the day afterwards the world seems twice as empty as it did before the bereavement. Staying busy keeps everything at bay, but when I have some time to myself, I have no idea what to do, am listless or restless and unable to concentrate, and have been completely unable to relax. The things I normally do for leisure seem alien and unsatisfactory, or unsuitable in some way. I watched a film for an hour before I realised that I had no idea what was going on - I’d been staring at the screen without really taking anything in. Ordinary tasks seem hugely complicated in prospect, everything from going to get some groceries to preparing a simple meal. I want to sleep, not simply because I’m tired, but also because it fills up time without me having to make any conscious decisions as to what to do.

So what I’ve decided to do is to watch myself as if from outside, observe how I’ve reacted and tried to assess my feelings, and the following points I am reasonably certain constitute advice that I would have been happy to give myself if I had the chance before I experienced the shock of the other night.

1) if you can, and if you need it, give yourself some space, but don’t cut yourself off.

2) Allow yourself to appreciate the magnitude of what you are dealing with (don’t try and pretend everything is normal)

3) Recognise that this represents a burden that no-one can reasonably be expected to carry alone.

4) Find out what sort of help is available, from both personal and professional sources, decide what you need, and take steps to get it.

5) Don’t be hard on yourself if you have moments where simple tasks become unfathomably difficult - even if you think you are coping well, there are things going on within you that you have no control over. At times like this, stop, sit down if possible, breathe and let your thoughts run where they will - sometimes you just need to do nothing.

6) Be polite but firm if people offer advice or help you don’t want/need - they may be powerless to help, but the fact they are offering shows they care about you. Pushing them away will risk you becoming isolated, especially if the people around you don’t understand your feelings.

I think the last thing that I have to say is that I’m not any sort of expert in any of this, so I don’t know if any of this is ‘normal,’ as much as it is ‘my normal,’ so the above advice should be taken as a jumping off point rather than a how to guide, and the only thing I can stress for everyone who has had or is having shock and distress is to listen to what your body and subconscious are telling you, and I wish you the best in making it through your troubles to a time where calmness and peace once again prevail.

Some helpful links

https://www.nth.nhs.uk/content/uploads/2017/07/AE-1084-common-reactions-to-traumatic-events-july-2017.pdf

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-practice/201803/what-is-psychological-shock-and-5-tips-coping%3famp