Completely on the fly

Hey, person reading this. Yes, you. I hope from the bottom of my heart that you are okay. REALLY okay.

I was so inspired by some other stories on here tonight, and I wanted to write. I have not planned this at all, and had no idea what to write about.

But I am feeling a lot tonight. My brain is full and my heart is too, lots of different, conflicting emotions and thoughts, and quite frankly, it is all a little busy in there.

So I thought that I would emit some of these onto this page, to see if you understand, if you feel things too, if YOUR brain is a little busy too. If you are feeling just wonderful, then maybe my current inner chaos will make you feel better. You know, in the same way that sitcoms about dysfunctional families make you feel better about your own family, and documentary series about hoarders who keep rubbish and junk piled up to their ceilings, make you feel better about your relatively clean home.

Here are some of things I am feeling about, and thinking about.

I crave the sun, and warmth on my skin. I have added a summer photo from years ago, to start manifesting this. I hate the cold. We live in a cold house too; a Victorian end-of-terrace. It has gas-central-heating, but is not easy to heat. It is a rented house, and not double-glazed. Areas of it get warm, but you need multiple heaters. I wasn't supposed to be freezing cold, numb hands, bunched up in layers and blankets scarves and gloves. It doesn't feel like me. I often feel I was meant to be born in Spain, not in the UK.

I am also worried about some close family members, and I hope that they will be okay. One has a lot of physical challenges, and her life has changed a huge amount because of it. I do not think that she is very happy. And I hope that changes. She deserves to be happy. We ALL deserve to be happy, surely?

Another has a fragile heart, and is struggling with difficulties of life. She has tender years, and I want to wave a magic wand to make all the pain and anxiety go away. If I had that ability, I would. Right now. And yet, I know she will be okay. Because she has me. And lots of others who care. And she has herself, with all her special skills and abilities and cleverness. She will be okay.

Friends are going through hell. Two of them lost a parent over Christmas. It breaks my heart. It must be so hard to lose a parent.

My health has got worse and worse. I sleep most of the days now, as my chronic fatigue has kicked up a notch from moderate to severe. I have tried everything. But my body and brain refuse to shut down before 9 or 10am, no matter how early I have taken my medication etc. All I can do is do the things I enjoy, that relax me. Like reading my books and magazines. And writing on here, and on Amazon.

I am also in a quandry of the heart. I like someone, really like them. These thoughts, feelings and intense dreams are consuming me a little. But we have a professional relationship. I have no idea how to move forward and keep my sanity.

My heart yearns for what it can't have.

And yet - I know that I will be okay.

I am hoping that the longer, brighter days will bring me back more energy, and give me some daytime function again. I hope for cold drinks in the sunshine, and time in the garden tidying, planting and watering. Painting the shed. Placing nice things we have bought for my little piece of outside paradise.

I am currently watching a film, The Painted Veil. It is a beautiful film, that grows more beautiful with every layer peeled away. Watching wonderful films always reminds me that there is much beauty and creativity in the world. Writing these words is a blessing too. I can think and feel and write, and then share with you, lovely reader.

It will be okay. Because it always ends up being okay.

And you will be okay too.