Coffee Thoughts - But I'm a Nice Guy!

It is unfortunate, but there are self-identifiers that set off red flags when speaking to males:

“I’m a feminist.”

“I’m a nice guy.”

Both of these terms seem quite positive! One might think that it gives the impression of “thank goodness, he strives to be kind and cares about the basic human rights of females.” However, it seems that when this needs to be announced, these terms always come with strings. We will discuss the caveats of both these phrases, and different ways that men can appropriately be allies to women.

What should it mean to be a male feminist? It should include ensuring that women's voices are heard and considered, that women are supported in their bodily choices, and that women are supported in their home or career lives. What does it usually mean when, late at night in a bar, a guy says that he is a feminist? Usually this comes with a preconceived notion that women “already have enough rights” whether it is obviously said or not. Instead of aiding women it becomes a “I support women's decision to be independent, so they need to give up their ideas of what they want from a relationship and be fully independent and not expect any remorse for health or career exhaustion”. Additionally, these men, in my experience, continuously refuse to help with any of the basic “womanly” chores. Now I must state - not every man who states he is a feminist is like this. However, many women I spoke to also see it as a red flag. So if a man truly believes that women should be treated appropriately, what’s a way of saying that without dropping a red flag?

1. Listen and don’t talk over the woman when she discusses rights or social problems. When having a discussion it is supposed to be back and forth, but speaking over where she has experienced gender-based issues to explain that you are a feminist is counter intuitive.

2. Accept that many women see women's power in different ways. Some believe in traditional values, and whether you agree with that or not, respect her own decision for wanting those values. If you don’t believe a stay at home mom is the type of relationship you want to be in - don’t get into one. If you are encountering someone with sex positivity, either enjoy your time or don’t have sex with them. Dictating how a woman should live her life according to the newest thing you heard or read is not helpful.

3. Listen to what women are saying online. There are lots of social media platforms where women discuss social issues and look for more voices and backing. If you see posts that you agree with (that don’t have any form of embedded hatred) then share! Get involved in what women are talking about.

4. Instead of saying “I’m a feminist”, you can discuss what you do to help woman. Each feminist actively does something - from discussions, to research, to volunteering, there are endless possibilities! You can share discussions you have joined in on, ask for opinions, or talk about positive actions you have made. But the conversation has to be relevant. For example, saying, “hello, my name is Bob - did you know I volunteer at a woman’s shelter” immediately becomes a brag or a ‘tactic’. A good rule of thumb is, unless a woman is bringing up something relevant within the conversation, you should not force it in. Here are some examples of natural entries:

Example 1 :

Woman: I stated X at a meeting and they completely ignored me

Man: That is such garbage, that happened at my meeting to a female coworker and I had to actually reiterate that it was her idea!

Example 2:

Woman: I don’t know, I’ve been interested in getting involved in social causes but I don’t know where to start

Man: I actually volunteer at this woman’s shelter and they do x, y, and z, do you want me to give you more info?

Basically, you should never have to indicate that you are specifically a feminist. If you are a feminist your actions and words will say it for you. Take real interest in what women are fighting for; if you don’t agree with what certain women are saying, or think their views are too extremist - exit the conversation. Considering I am a woman and am quite educated within this topic, I still encounter discussions that I find hazardous, too extreme, or too volatile. If I don’t believe that my perspective or voice will be considered in a proactive or open manner, I will change topics. Additionally, if you barely know this person and they are passionately speaking about something that you highly disagree with - then maybe they’re not the best person to make your new friend.

Bonus points - respect women's rape stories. It is NOT your job to judge if her story is “real” or not. If you think your friend would so openly lie about that, maybe they’re not a great person to have around. Telling her, her friends, or your buddies that you think it’s a pile of poop, not only will you risk your friendship with her - but you will make your female friends around you uncomfortable. Women are terrified to tell these stories. Women understand that sharing these stories won’t help in court. It should never be mentioned with the requirement for you to start a fight. Women are just asking for support.

What is the hazard in saying you’re a good guy? You just want to make sure that women know you will treat them right and care for them - why is saying that a bad thing? Once again, akin to saying you’re a feminist, it’s not something that one should have to clarify.

Why should you NOT self describe to others that you’re a nice guy?

1. It is an overarching descriptor of incels. Incels are dangerous and threaten the lives and choice of women. But incels tend to blame women for not choosing them because they are the “nice ones”.

2. Most women have encountered at least one man who stated they were a nice guy who has emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused them. It is a too common term used by predators and narcissists.

How should you let anyone know you’re a nice guy?

1. Consider what makes you a nice guy. Doing the bare minimum of listening or washing your own dishes does not equate being nice. Spending money does not automatically mean you are nice. If you genuinely believe that you are good, your actions and mannerisms will say more than self identification will.

2. Continue to do good. Pay-it-forward, volunteer, donate, the options are endless! When you are on a date with someone you see yourself having a relationship with and you want her to know how nice you are - show her. Show that you remembered the things she said she likes or cares about. Give her your time and also respect her space.

3. Discussions are two sided, if you are texting or talking only about yourself, what you’ve done, or she’s barely replying, mirror those actions. Getting an inundation of messages is intimidating.

4. And finally, most importantly, if she says she’s not interested - accept that! Even if you are the BEST guy, you’re obviously not the best guy for her. Everyone has different wants or needs, sometimes the stars don’t align. It is not something that you should take personally. Let her go and move on. Fighting with someone when they try to leave by saying you’re a nice guy is a fruitless endeavor that leaves the opposite impression.

To summarize, if you want women to know that you are a feminist or a nice guy, show don’t tell. There are countless ways to aid equal rights movements and millions of ways to be nice. If you have to explain that you are a feminist or nice, then you might not be fulfilling that role as adequately as you believe.

What do you think? Women - have you had any similar experiences? Men - do you agree or disagree with this article? Let me know in the comments!

Thank you for taking to read the second article in my Coffee Thoughts series - a daily post discussing various themes and topics to help educate or incite rumination written while I finish my morning coffee. Stay tuned or subscribe for the next 'episode' of Coffee Thoughts!