Carrying a woman's voice

Hi, I am Em, Em Ahlawat. Em is a pen name I have chosen for myself. Now you may think how authentic my voice would be under the shadow of a nom de plume, but you have to agree, there is a mystery behind a name such as Em, isn't there? Besides I am not totally changing my identity, on the contrary reclaiming it. My family name is Ahlawat, which I had given up after marriage but I am ready to reintroduce to the world. Why do women even change their last names, why did I? But I digress, that’s a topic for another post. I am British by birth and of Indian heritage. America is home now. I had the opportunity to attend schools many different parts of the world but spent my young adult life in India. I have stayed away from my parents since I was 10 years old, all in the pursuit of a good education, “to not be lost and be someone”, as my mother would say. So I grew up independent in my thoughts and a tad bit feminist in my bones. I grew up feeling that the weight of being a woman either gives you a voice or takes it away from you. I was unreservedly vocal then or maybe was forced to be. A young woman growing up in India under the prying and not always kind eyes of the men around me, I had to put the armor on and look them straight in the eye and speak my truth. I believe there was a mischievous side to my voice as well - unafraid, playful, and content. I did like this side of my voice.

I came to the US some 30 years ago for graduate studies and as a tech professional in the exciting world of startups, I had a decently exhilarating career for 20+ years. During which, the companies I worked for went public, I became a mother of two, and built a home here in the valley. I was confident & articulate with technology, it came naturally to me. I could connect with my audience in a trustworthy way. This voice came easy, it was self-assured, I knew my stuff but more importantly believed every word of it.

As a mother, I was not always happy with my voice. It was compassionate and firm but also impatient and sometimes flustered. I was struggling with this voice and the external pressures were not helping me find the authenticity in it. Then came the big request - the kids wanted a dog, and I could not bear the thought of working full-time and leaving the puppy eyes staring through the window and waiting for me all day. So, I quit my job and became a full-time parent, and with a new edition in the family. Finally, I wasn’t winging the parenting job anymore, I was present and the voice found its footing and it mellowed. It’s been 10 years since, the dog is having a mild midlife crisis (which makes two of us), and the kids have grown and flown (one almost ready to fly away). I liked the poise in this voice, and how it has developed over the years. It is open and it listens with awe and curiosity. It also has brought me back to the young woman’s voice that I carried with me during my early years, with the hope that my kids could hear it and add to it their own as they venture into this world.

For a good portion of the last two decades, I felt I was losing or dismissing my young voice, sometimes because the voices around me were too loud and other times I voluntarily quietened it. My voice over the years has gone from being unbashfully vocal to mellow to reserved. I haven’t been too focused on it, I guess, I was preoccupied with the day-to-day and life’s everyday pressures. Recently, it dawned on me how much I had loved that fearless voice from when I was young. So I am here to retrain it and put it on the record.