Be Careful What You Wish For

Have you ever wanted something for a long, long time and when you finally got what you wanted it was not at all what you thought it would be like? Instead of perfect joy and happiness, you were disappointed and confused? That's happened to me more than once and I'm finally starting to get used to it.

It's better if I show you with an example. I was lonely, feeling like nobody loved me, feeling like the world had forgotten all about me, and thinking that it didn't matter how much I loved myself or took care of myself because no one would appreciate me. Then suddenly and unexpectedly, I met a very nice man at a diner. We ate together and laughed together and exchanged telephone numbers. Instant friends, as if we'd known each other forever. It was truly lovely.

Then he surprised me by telling me he was interested in me. He asked me out on a date. I was flabbergasted having gone so long all alone with no one at all offering such a kindness. I agreed of course and we went on two dates. He's absolutely charming, lovely, and a pleasure to spend time with. Yet, for all that was perfect about getting what I wanted for so long, there was also disappointment. It has nothing to do with the person. It's just the way life is.

You see, while I was enjoying the ride in his lovely car, so clean and safe and comfortable, I was also uncomfortable because I could not smoke. I felt anxious and nervous sitting there trying to enjoy his generousity and feeling like my desire to smoke was a piece of me that was being rejected. While he spoiled me with nice restaurants and scenery, I was feeling special and rewarded. Yet I was also feeling very very lonely knowing that no matter how nice the two of us both are, the relationship was only ever going to be a friendship, nothing more than that, so there was a pervading feeling of disappointment in that. I still tried to enjoy all that was good about it though. His kindness, his company, and the luxuries he was showering upon me. It had been so long since I got to enjoy the finer things in life and a piece of me that seemed buried, was somehow resurrected.

Having spent the last five years living in filth - dirty roach infested motel rooms and slumlord apartments - going to a top notch expensive hotel room was awe-inspiring. It was exactly how I imagined a gentleman would behave and treat a lady. I was pleased and grateful. Yet I could not smoke in the glamorous room so I had to keep going outside every time my anxiety or desire to smoke led me. This smoker and nonsmoker date was not everything I wanted it to be, even though this gentleman was doing everything "right" according to my dream desires. There was no way to reconcile that or to change it to be more than disappointment. My lack of freedom was the source of my unhappiness and anxiety. I couldn't even leave without calling for a cab because I had not driven myself there. I felt trapped and that made me want to leave even faster. He had done absolutely nothing wrong. He had done everything a proper date was supposed to do. Yet it was all wrong for me. All that luxury and glamour was meaningless without my freedom. I'm sure I disappointed him too.

Here he's thinking he's met a very sexy woman who's willing to explore romance and further relationship stuff. While I was nothing but polite and obedient to the rules, he could tell that I was anxious and not feeling my natural self. Instead of finding a flower bursting into life before him, he found a caged tiger meowing to break free. Meowing, because the rules said no roaring.

So after this experience, I'm a little less inclined to want. I've returned to having no expectations of people or romance. I must remind myself to "be careful for what I wish for" because I just might get it; And sometimes when I do, it's not all I thought it would be. Perhaps desire is only a set up to disappointment. Perhaps the only way to be satisfied is to not desire anything at all.