Another Crossroad

A huge driving force behind a lot of my uncertainty in life comes to do with stability. Over time I have developed a rather unhealthy fear of not having enough money to survive or to really live the way I want. And I find myself at a huge crossroad of uncertainty.

I suppose I do like many finer things in life. But the general cost of living seems to just be going up as well. So even when I cut back or chose a lot of the cheaper options in life. It can still feel pretty overwhelming. It also doesn’t help that I have a bit of debt to my name, and I am terrified of it. I also worry that if I try to chase after dreams too much I’ll fail and fall further into debt and never be able to recover. But in my own fear of needing to have a promised amount of income, I slowly find myself fading away. Into a shell of the person I was and struggle to keep a spark alive with myself.

My boss asked me if I was having fun…. And I thought it was a silly question. I’m not sure a lot of people have fun at their jobs. But it also made me pause. Because I do generally believe that my manger cares for me outside of just me being a good employee. And he shared his own story with me on why he wanted to ask me. He also didn’t press me for an answer either. He just told me to think about it and take some time to reflect on it. Am I just having a bit of a bad day, week, month? Or have the last five years of me being in this job, just been me hoping it gets better or that something magically lands in my lap? Have I been gaslighting myself into stay in a role that drains my soul because I believe it gives me a false sense of security and benefits?

On the flip side of it all. I wonder if I am asking too much. I find myself overthinking how I could have all the wonderful things in my life and still want more. Still want a job that makes me happy and feel accomplished? I wonder if it’s possible and if it’s even worth the risk. I mean I have good friends, a good family, I have the ability to have a place to live, to have a car and a phone. I can get food… and I can manage my bills. And sure I take out some debt to let myself have some fun in life and can relatively manage to pay it off. But could I also have a job that I love, that makes me money, while still feeling stable. The more I think about it, the more I wonder…. Why not?

We get told our whole lives we can do anything we set our mind too. While also being guided through a broken road map of how to gain success. Sure the roadmap works for some. But its not a one size fits all. I mean I use to dream of being a dancer. I added writer on at some point in time as well. But I was always told I needed a back up. That only a certain few could make it and the rest of us needed to be ready when we failed. And this scared a lot of people out of trying to go for the dream. Or to make the dream a back up plan or fun hobby that maybe one day you’d get lucky for. But they also told us we weren’t going to have a calculator in our back pocket… and the joke ended up being on them. The reality is, none of them really knew what the outcome was going to be, or that the sure fire to success for them, wasn’t going to work forever.

Regardless, I ran with it. I picked careers off of what people told me I would be good at. All while having writing in the back ground. Telling people you wanted to be an English teacher got a lot more praise then telling them you wanted to be a writer. And well I do not regret dropping out of the Education program and pursuing a double degree in history and English. I often wonder so much about what could have been if I spent five years on dancing or enhancing my creative writing ability instead of going into academia. Which in retrospect, isn’t all that healthy for my uncertainty. I can’t really change the past, and given the skills I did get from my time in University and working at a pub … I really wouldn’t change it. Instead I find myself looking to the future and come face to face with a scary decision.

Do I stay in salary, office job, with benefits and the ability to pay for my bills and some hobbies. That gives me no hope for the future, stress and wonder what’s the point of it all? Or do I move on…. Do I take a jump and look at something that could very well allow me to be self-employed. Would self-employment create joy and open me up to living the dream in some regard? It’s a lot of what ifs and it seems no one has the answer for me. Not even myself.

But maybe this is the first step I have to take. Taking the time to think about what I want. And to make my brain feel better, setting myself a timeline of realistic changes and goals. Because as much as I want it to, change does not happen over night. So I guess once again it’s time for a new journey.