Adulting Ain't for Me

To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to formally resign from being an adult. And before I receive immediate reasons on why that cannot be, please let me list the reasons why I should be able to choose. For as much as I like some of the benefits of being an adult, such as enjoying an adult beverage from time to time. I know I could live without it.

So to start with, I never recall being asked if I would like to graduate from being taken care of to dropped out of the nest when my wings still didn't have all their little feathers. Being an adult was not a conscious decision I made. There was no option to remain seventeen for the remainder of my life. For if I could I would forever resign from having to make my own medical appointments, I would be happy. I do not like talking about myself in any way shape or form. And at these appointments they are asking me to talk about the most personal aspects of my body. Then there are the parts of my body I wish no one to see, but again that apparently is not an option as physicals, annual exams, and other appointments were designed to make my awkwardness come out to play. I do not like having to decide if I should shave before a medical appointment because I am not sure which bits of my body will be exposed. If I never saw another speculum I think I could die a happy not-so-happy-to-be-an-adult-woman.

Next on my list of complaints is taxes, and I know it keeps our government working, but hear me out… I did not decide to be an adult who is required to hold a job to survive. These jobs have so many deductions taken from the wages, sometimes I don't know which way is up. For instance, I pay for Medicare, I do not receive any Medicare benefits and if I wished to, I would have to pay from the money that I have left over after already paying for the Medicare tax… There are lots of other taxes taken from my piddly little paychecks too. Then, when I shop with my post-tax monies at the store, and I buy something not food related, such as a book, I get taxed again. If I decide to sell that book, I bet they expect me to charge and then remit taxes again! AND then, I have to pay taxes on my house every year. I think taxes are the things I spend most on annually. I have worked two or more jobs at a time for a large portion of my life, so I can pay my taxes and survive. I know I am on the spectrum of insane, I just haven't decided where I would be categorized, (please see my previous point on why I may never find out). So, if I am not an adult, I believe it would take care of these issues, which again I never volunteered to be part of.

Third, or perhaps number two hundred if each of my previous gripes is taken into account separately, I no longer wish to be an adult because everything hurts more now. And not to the point where gripe number one would be an issue, but enough so that I don't think my muscles are aging well. For example, and I assure you this is a true story, one of my children decided she was going to try to dive off the side of the swing set. And while ‘try’ may be a bit misleading, she really was about to faceplant on the ground because scooting to the edge of the slide like a normal human was out of the question. Instead, she tried some gymnastics that I would never attempt, sober or otherwise, to get herself in the optimum slide sliding position… Well in doing so she shifted herself off balance and I had to lunge to save her face from becoming abruptly acquainted with the ground below. After catching this remarkably adorable tiny creature, my neck and shoulder decided they were no longer going to function as they previously did. Turning my head to the left was excruciating, and lifting my right arm higher than my armpit was near impossible. So, the consequences of getting older, and by default being an adult caused me to walk like I was made of three day old play doh left in the sun, I was stiff, brittle, and I think if someone touched me wrong I would have broken into pieces on the ground. Crumbling.

So, in summary this adulting and getting older junk is just not working out for me. Therefore, I would like to resign from being an adult. The benefits in this case do not outweigh the cons. So I would like to revert back to the fun and movable age of seventeen and three hundred and sixty four days old. This would give me most of the wisdom I had incurred before officially being labeled as an adult.