A Shift in Perspective Does the Mind Good

Have you ever just been sucked into something you wouldn’t normally give the time of day to?

You know the moment, you just happen to find your way to something and somehow it weasels its way into your brain. It could be a person, a TV show, a story or book, or in my case a drama-filled story about some YouTubers.

Before you turn away because you don’t care about YouTube drama, let me assure you that the drama is not the point of this story. It just starts there.

A couple of days ago, I was watching my usual round of videos on the app. It consists of recipe videos, a couple of comedy skit-like videos, a few vlogs, and a video from a non-verbal analyzer. I’ve grown to love the videos created by this analyzer, but I didn't expect that his video would send me into an internet rabbit hole for 4 hours.

I clicked on his video and noticed it was about the drama between a few YouTubers. As the video started, I bopped along to its catchy intro and then immediately was presented with a quick little overview. I was shocked to find out that one of the YouTubers involved was someone I had watched about 10 years ago. My jaw dropped almost to the floor.

He wasn’t known to be involved in drama.

Pausing the video, I opened another tab and did a quick search that revealed that he had also posted a video much like the girl who was being analyzed. Confirming my bias, I was already sure the other party was in the wrong. I curbed my urge to watch his video instead.

Clicking on the tab with the analyzer's video, I hit play.

I’m not going to dive into the drama and what it was all about but instead, I plan to focus on one thing she said that really hit a chord with me, the chord that makes you write a whole story about it apparently.

The analyzer was struck by the statement too. He stopped playing her video and addressed it.

Part of the drama was how awful she had acted and treated people in a professional setting. In her video she said, and I don’t quote, that she told them ahead of time she would get like this so they should have expected it.

I could tell by the conviction in her voice she truly believed that since she told them ahead of time she would act out that they should have expected her actions.

It seemed like she thought that somehow exonerated her.

I was shocked, but not too shocked. I’ve heard a lot of people use that kind of statement to defend themselves when they’ve done something that isn’t ok.

While I pondered some of the ideas running around in my head after watching her video (and all of the other videos involved) it dawned on me that this isn’t the only statement like this that people often use.

I’ve heard things like “that’s just who I am” and “that’s just how I handle things”

I’ve even had many people tell me “I’m just an asshole sometimes, that’s just part of who I am” and then after they’ve done something an asshole would do they say, “well I told you I was an asshole.” Every time I heard those types of statements I would get angry.

Those statements have the same sentiment and energy as the “well I told them I would be like that” she stated in her video.

It made me angry when she said that. It made me feel frustrated because it seemed like she was blaming the YouTuber I had already decided was in the right. I felt so wronged by her because I had already chosen sides - and that’s when I recognized my bias.

I knew I needed to take a more objective view.

Once I did that, the one thing that I see in all of these statements is the refusal of growth and change. A few years ago it would have been easy for me to see it like that. If I see it that way, then the people who say those kinds of things easily become people I wouldn’t want to associate with.

I know a lot more now than I used to.

These days I understand that we are conditioned to see things differently than we should. We look for the worst. We are taught to communicate our feelings in judgements about others. We allow our brains to think up awful things about why a person would do something hurtful or hateful.

We rarely take a look at the humanity behind it.

Even though we don't do it now, I think we could start to look for common humanity in the actions that hurt and trigger us. It would transmute the energy more quickly and keep more hate from generating in the world, effectively stopping the cycle.

We could seek to find the human reason that people would say or do something hurtful, disrespectful, or just plain nasty.

For me, it usually only takes asking myself a few questions and I can find something that I understand as the reason for what someone has done. In this case, as soon as I shifted my perspective from seeing her as the villain, I began to see the driving force behind her behavior.

I see the defeat. I see the surrender to the ups and downs of uncontrollable reactions and emotions. I see a negative self-belief that change can’t happen or the egotistical belief that change isn’t needed.

I see the pain that comes with all of that.

I wonder if maybe that’s the key to being able to find compassion and empathy. Maybe looking for the pain in the hateful things people are saying and doing could help us find our common humanity in all of it. I even think it could help us find the compassion to provide some empathy and help for those we previously judged.

When I start looking for the pain someone is feeling as the reason for their actions, I find it much easier to understand why they may say something like “I told them I would be that way so they should have expected it.”

After thinking about it for a while, I can see that she probably felt out of control and instead of getting herself under control she needed other people to help keep her in control. I believe if she had said that, she may have gotten a different response but it doesn’t seem like she can see that in herself just yet.

I would wager to say that most people can’t see that kind of thing in themselves either because it’s something you have to intentionally and actively pursue.

Communicating the truth about what you need requires you to truly know what you need.

What if that’s the view we could all take about some of these hateful statements?

What if we started to see that they are tragic ways to express a cry for help from someone who needs help but doesn’t even know it?

Do you think we could change the world?

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Think you may need a more objective view? Try these 4 questions to help you shift your perspective.