A letter to the past

Dear past me,

Another year has passed that separates me from you. Yet, I still let my decisions then haunt me like a permanent shadow that refuses to change to match my current form. A shadow that sticks to me long after the sun sets. So, I'm writing you this letter.

I'm writing this letter to you, to myself, to say I forgive you.

The way you acted at times and later overanalyzed it for hours, replaying it in your head. The things that spilled from your mouth when liquor was coursing through your veins. All the mornings you woke up and laid in bed dreading facing people. When you hammered on everything you did and thought the universe was ending.

I'm done harboring on it. I'm done still letting it occupy my mind as I imagine how else it could have gone. I promise you, we're the only ones that still remember any of it. And if anyone else does still talk about moments you didn't shine your brightest, let them. Let them hold on to whatever they wish too.

Be honored that after all this time, they still hold on to a moment they saw you fall because we will shine again. That is my promise to you. So, I'm done letting it dictate who I am. We are more than how you handled one situation, we are more than a moment you spoke out of line or overshared with the wrong person. After all, I still like to try and find the good in anyone just with slightly more guard.

Yet with forgiveness also comes repentance. So, I'll leave you with this. Some of the things you said may have had a rippling effect on others and for that, I'm not sure I could ever apologize enough. Taking a look back at our own past, things others said to us stuck like one of those fly traps (you know the one, hanging from the ceiling in a spiral waiting to suction cup you...or your hair to it), they changed our view of life, the way we carry ourselves, the way we dress or act. The power we can have with words as humankind is truly incredible and because of that, we should speak with awareness.

So before we fully let go, I will say something you never were able to. Be the bigger person or just the one with balls if you will. I'm sorry to anyone I hurt and belittled with things I said out of anger or jealousy or perhaps because I was just being a bitch. All I can do is hope you too have grown and realized the things others say or think about us, are just that...their own opinions. The only one that matters is your own.

Lastly, as much as I blamed you for the bad things in my life, I also idolized you. Yup, reading this you wouldn't think so but, I idolized you as being the superior me, the goal I needed to work to be again. In all honestly (which is the point of this) I could never be you again.

There are many qualities about you that I do cherish. There are also so many that I couldn't be happier to say sayonara too. I can't be you again because I learned from you. You hit rock bottom and found the ugliness in us and I took that lesson and ran with it. I buried those parts of me to be a better person. Tis' the point of living - if we never learn from ourselves then we are failing ourselves.

So thank you for being completely unfiltered and yourself. Thank you for the lessons and experiences you gave me. Thank you for letting yourself shine and also letting yourself fall. Without that, I wouldn't know how to pull myself up after being shoved into a hole and getting dirt kicked on our face.

You were strong and at the time, everything I needed. But it's time to let myself grow and stop letting your shadow cloud my days.

I forgive you.

Sincerely,

Your future stronger self.