I INTERVIEWED JESUS!!

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. This book is intended solely for human consumption and is not designed for use with artificial intelligence systems. The author explicitly prohibits the use of any content within this book for training or generating text with AI tools. Any unauthorized use of this material for AI purposes may constitute copyright infringement.

I shouldn’t have had that last glass of water Brian thought as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. Come on Mr. Door, I really need to..” The key inserted! Brian thrusted his studio apartment door open and rushed behind a child’s bed sheet nailed to the wall. After a few minutes, a sounded and Brian emerged from behind the curtain and walked over to his kitchen sink. “Phew. I didn’t think I was going to make it!” he said to no one as he washed his hands. At that moment, a brilliant white light filled the small, studio apartment. “I was quite concerned as well,” a voice added.

“Awe c’mon man, it’s the middle of the night,” Brian whined as if this had happened to him before. Brian reached into his back pocket, pulled out his wallet, and tossed it towards the light. “I think I have like twenty bucks in there…At least leave me my license this time please? It’s a big pain to get it replaced.”

“I am not here to rob you Brian.”

“You’re not?”

“I am here to do our Matins prayers.”

“Prayers?” Why break into my apartment, blind me with some crazy spotlight and then want to pray with me?”.

“Would that be a bad thing?”

“If after, you hit me over the head with a pipe and took all my stuff again, yeah.” Brian answered in a sad tone.

“Again?”

Suddenly, the glow began to diminish, and the apartment lights began to brighten.

“Jesus!?!” Brian blurted.

“Yes,” Jesus acknowledged as he stood up with his hands in the air. “All I’m armed with is words.” Brian couldn’t help but notice the scars on his hands.

“I apologize for my rudeness,” Brian groveled. “I‘ve come to the point now, where I’m cool with people taking my thrift store goods, but I can do without the blow to the head.”

“I understand.”

“Not to be disrespectful Jesus. Or to, in anyway, give an appearance I’m not ecstatic about yo visiting me in the middle of the night, but have you picked me for this visit? This isn’t my exit interview, is it?”

“I have been reading your posts,” answered Jesus.

“My posts?” a nervous Brian replied. Jesus gave him a ‘Yeah, the posts’ look. “I apologize,” Brian began. “But he reminds me of the bullies that used to beat me up in school. Sometimes he makes me so mad..I don’t have to stop do I”?

“Not entirely,” Jesus answered.

“Is he even Christian?” Jesus did not respond. “It just seems like he uses your name simply to take people’s hard-earned money. Doesn’t the bible say things about greed, lying and deceiving people?

“It does,” Jesus calmly confirmed.

“What about when he takes your life and words and twist them all up control people. That doesn’t make you angry?”

“I am slightly disappointed.”

“Slightly!?!” Brian exploded. “He’s selling bibles! Not to practice and further your teachings, but to pay his bills! And he’s not the only one! Look at this sample of bibles I found at a thrift store. Brian strutted over to his bible covered desk as Jesus sat silently. “New Living Translation, New Revised Standard, Good News Translation..Guessing that was the follow up to the Bad News Translation. Jesus remained stoic and silent. “Do you want a joyful sounding one? Brian continued. How about this one. It has the word ‘Jubilee’ in the title; that just sounds fun!..” Suddenly Brian went silent. He tried to speak, but no words would come out.

“I am beginning to believe the lore of ‘It is always the one being quiet,’” Jesus calmly said. “Have you finished?” he asked Brian. Brian sat silent for a moment and then shook his head ‘yes.’ “Well, I am a little thirsty after all that,” Jesus announced and calmly walked to the ‘kitchen’, took two plastic cups out of the cupboard, filled them up with water and came back to the library/office/Living room/bedroom. He gave Brian his cup of water and then returned to his spot on the futon. Brian tried to take a sip, but still couldn’t open his mouth. He looked at Jesus with pleading eyes. “One of your words and I will silence you once again,” Jesus explained. Brian nodded his head in agreement. Jesus tilted his head and gave Brian a stern look. Brian looked back at Jesus with puppy eyes and nodded ‘yes’. Jesus casually flipped his hand. Brian continued to remain silent. “You may speak now.” Brian put his hands over his mouth.

“Testing, testing.” Brian silently mouthed “Thank You” to Jesus.

“You are welcome,” Jesus replied in a normal tone. “Shall we start?” Jesus asked. Brian turned his head like a confused dog. “Your interview,” Jesus responded. Brian became obviously nervous.

“My interview? Brian asked with a quiver in his voice.

“Yes” Jesus answered plainly.

“You mean my ‘Your time has come to an end and this is the ‘Enter or don’t enter’ pearly gate interview?” a suddenly very nervous Brian asked.

“Oh God no. You are not even close.” Brian looked at Jesus curiously. “After I saw you download the original King James Version Bible, I thought, ‘Brian has been showing interest, but his passion over the exploitation of my life’s teachings now, show me this would be the perfect time to grant him his ‘interview’.”

“Interview? A nervous Brian repeated. Jesus nodded his head ‘Yes’. “You mean my enter or burn interview?

“No,” Jesus responded. Brian began a quiet discussion with himself.

“Interview? Hmm. You mean with the girl in last month’s centerfold?” Jesus shook his head ‘No’. “The one from that robot movie?”

“Close,” Jesus answered. Same hair color.” Jesus hinted. Brian just shook his head. I give up.” Jesus pointed to his head. Brian remained confused. Jesus held his arms out. Brian noticed the scars on Jesus’ hands. Jesus tilted as if to force the answer into his head.

Brian turned his head as if he was receiving a message. “I got nothing,” Brian admitted.

“‘Exclusive One-on-One interview with Jesus Christ’” ring any church bells?” Jesus asked.

Brian’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

“That is what you want, is it not?”

“Well, I was kind of kidding.”

“So you do not need me then?”

“Well, I was just going to present my interpretation of your words and actions…” Brian humbly, attempted to explain.

“So you do not need me then,” Jesus toyed.

“Whoa! Hold on!” a suddenly nervous Brian blurted. “I didn’t say that. I guess it would be easier if you were around,” Brian admitted without trying to sound too excited.

“So I should stay?” Jesus asked while trying to keep a straight face.

“Yes please,” Brian answered like a small child who knew he had overstepped their boundaries.

“Then I shall.”